Checking Back In

I checked out for a bit as I have been busy with school, work, holidays, family, birthday and such.

Here I am!

Alive. Well. Drinking hot cocoa!

Christmas was awesome. Jamie and I went down to my parents for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I had to return back to work that afternoon so we went back home so I could work. (Lame!) I enjoyed Christmas morning even though there were no kids around just us adults (Jamie, my parents, and I) We exchanged gifts and ate cinnamon rolls after. My parents bought me some nice sweaters and Jamie bought me diamond earrings! My very first REAL diamonds! I love them so much. I feel like a princess. He must really love me a lot!!! On the 26th I drove back to my parents for a few days so I could spend some time with my family that was at their in laws for Christmas. Then I again returned back to work on the 28th. Lucky me.

For my birthday the previous week I went to Utah to visit my sister. We went snowboarding and had a TON of fun. My sister is so amazing she made me a cake and made a pink crown that went of the top of it. It was so AWESOME! My brother in law was so sweet to watch the kids so we could go snowboarding not 1, but 2 days. Even my parents came up to Utah. I had been teasing my dad about going to see his grandkids so they came up the same weekend. It was fun to have them there. We went and looked at some amazing Christmas lights and drank hot chocolate. It snowed and was beautiful. I got a new dress that I have been looking at for MONTHS! My sister and brother in law made me this slide show dvd of pictures to music. It is AWESOME. It shows pictures from SOOOO long ago. Memories that I had almost forgotten.

At the end of the day I may be a poor student that is working her butt off, but my family means the world to me. I would do anything for them. I am so glad that I have been able to spend so much time with them recently. I love my nieces and nephews. They are my WORLD! Each of them has their own unique personality. It's so fun to have them all there. Yes things did get CRAZY, LOUD, and WILD, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I have 2 brothers, 2 sisters, 4 nieces, and 8 nephews. I may not have much at this point in my life, but I have it all with my family. I have love, laughter, and more fun than anyone can imagine. Thank you God for giving me such a big family with a lot of love!

Break

This was written December 11

I have so much to catch up on! First today I finished my final in my first block of nursing school! YIPPEE!!! I'm so excited to have that down under my belt. I know the next 3 blocks are going to be quite stressful as I continue to live and work in one place and go to school in a completely different place. Life is crazy! I have about a month off, but it's going to be just as busy as school time. This week is my birthday so I'm flying to Utah to go snowboarding and hang out with my sister and her family. To top off the fun my parents decided they are going to come up as well. It's going to be a blast! My sister and I were worried about it not snowing, but good news... it snowed!!!

Last month I went and saw my dr about the girly issues that have been complicating things in my life! He suggested I do the mire.na. They are coming out with a smaller one for girls that have never had babies. I just am a little worried because I've heard bad things about it. I talked to my dr about some of my fears like of it perfing my uterus. He said that it only perfs when it's being inserted if the dr pushes it, but I don't do that. If I meet resistance then I don't push. He said they take an ultrasound after one month to make sure it's still in place.

I don't know what to think about it.

It Continues

Well... I've been spotting since the 15th. I just thought it was going to stop, but it hasn't. After 2 weeks I called back the Dr. they said they would call me back later. I attempted to call again and set up an appointment, but they told me I would not be allowed to set up an appointment with out talking to the nurse, but surely the nurse would call me in just a few minutes. She didn't call. I waited until the next day. She finally called. Of course she said to set up an appointment. No one could really tell me why this was happening. She asked what birth control I was on and some other question, but no real answer. Later I ended up calling my sister. She told me that is could be my BC because it is low estrogen. Which makes sense because the more I think of it the more symptoms I have of that. CRAZY mood swings. (We are talking full out break down over Jamie not bringing me home candy. Which he ended up going to get because he felt so bad.) And some other things like no sex drive.

So if this is the case what do I do.... I don't like these side effects. I don't like any of this. It seems like my body just went on the fritz!

Oh did I mention that my appointment isn't until the 21st. Yeah my dr is a popular guy. Since I had a bad experience with another one of the dr's I didn't feel comfortable going to anyone else. Especially if they have to do more invasive testing or if they are going to switch up the BC.

HELP! Any suggestions. How do I continue. What questions do I ask the Dr. What are my options even in regards to all this crap and my endo. Sigh. I JUST WANT TO BE F***ING NORMAL!!!!

Growing Inside

Sunday night I returned back to my parents house and stayed up until about 130 am finishing up drug cards. I then had to wake up Monday morning at 545 to go to my clinical at the hospital for respiratory observation. I was almost late. They say if you are even a minute late you get sent home. I walked into the hospital at 629. That was a little too close for comfort!

Monday night I was working hard on an assignment for my radiology observation Tuesday morning. It was probably about 9ish I went to the bathroom only to realize I was spotting. WTF!!!! How can this even be happening. I'm on continuous birth control. I haven't missed any pills. I take it at the same time. I am dedicated to this stupid birth control like a marriage! HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING! I began to freak out. Everything was going through my mind. I have cancer. It's back. It's going to kill me dead. I was pregnant and having a miscarriage. No this isn't crazy bleeding. I just had an ultrasound and know I am not pregnant nor do I have a cyst. I was at the kitchen table alone, scared, panicking. I text my mom from the other room to have her come see me. I told her what was going on. She looks concerned too. We decided it would be pointless to call the on call dr because they would just say go to the er or something stupid like that. Mom went to bed. I stayed up until 1230.

Tuesday I woke up at 530 and made it to the hospital on time. I called the Dr when I was done in between clinical and class. Got home and took a nap. The nurse called me. I missed it. I called back. She got some information from me. She was asking all sorts of things. I had to tell her at least 3 times that I have been on continuous bc for almost 2 years and have only let myself have a period once because Dr. M told me I didn't need to and the last time was Feb 2012. Surgery was Feb 2011 diagnosed with the Endo. So she decides that I need to come in for an ultrasound. I then tell her I just had one like 2 weeks ago and that I was told there was no cyst. She then said well I guess you don't need that. Let me talk to Dr. M and I will call you back. I decided to take a nap while waiting. The nap was like an hour. The nurse called and said Dr. M thinks that it must be the endo. GREAT! He just told me like a month ago that basically there was no way the endo could be growing with the continuous bc. So now it is growing all of the sudden? UGH! I just thanked her for calling me back and that was that. I don't know what to do. I feel so confused. I feel so angry and miserable.

Wednesday I did get to sleep in. Went to class at noon-3 drove back to my house. Saw Jamie for 5 min. Kissed him. He went to work. I went to work. Thankfully I was let off early. Went to bed at 430

Thursday woke up at 9. Drove back to my parents. Changed my scrubs. Went back to the hospital for a computer class that lasted an hour and a half. (Not even as long as the drive back!) Went to the care center to start my care plan. Went home. Worked on my care plan. Curled up on the couch to nap for an hour. Woke back up and finished with my care plan. Went to bed at 1230.

Friday woke up at 5. Had to be at clinical at 6. Rocked out my clinical. (Had a real patient. My own real patient!) Got done and drove back to my real home. Jamie had a massage lined up for me and paid for when I got back into town. Met up with him after. Dang he is hot in his uniform! <3 and="and" asleep.="asleep." bed="bed" computer="computer" fell="fell" home.="home." in="in" watched="watched" went="went">
Saturday slept! Went to the gym!!!!! Got out some anger. Went to work.

I think I'm done spotting as of today (Saturday.) I'm not even sure what to think of this all. I'm so confused. How can this be happening. Why is this happening. What is the plan now. Am I going to still have periods every month even though I'm on the bc? Is this stress related? I was really stressed out with my C scared and nothing like this ever happened. What do I do. I just want to cry my eyes out. There are so many questions and no answers. I feel like if I ask I will be shut down. I don't even want to bother making an appointment with Dr M because I feel like it's so pointless. ANY SUGGESTIONS!!!???!!!?!?!?!

HELP ENDO SISTERS!

The D Word

I had my ultrasound Friday morning. The office was quite and the only people there were the ultrasound lady and I. I'm not sure of her name, but every time she is so sweet. This trip she shared with me that she too had endo and felt bad for me and my pain.

As much as I wanted to see something like a cyst or ANYTHING... I knew there would be nothing. I knew in my heart that the only thing that is wrong is a mysterious disease that can't be seen through ultrasound. Although maybe the sudden sharp pain could be cysts because the ultrasound was 3 weeks out from the last MAJOR episode. I don't know what to think. I'm just hoping that it's something other than the endo.

I think I'm still in denial about my disease. Ugh I hate that word. Disease. Stupid! An incurable, invisible disease. 

I do realize that I am lucky. No I don't have pain everyday, but at least 3 times a week my body will remind me that it's there. Mostly it's just a twinge of pain. A tightness. Maybe I just learned how to deal with the pain better... I know when I start to feel that twinge and tightness that I need to sit and be still. Not move. Don't try to walk. Don't try and stretch, cough, sneeze. Most of the time that works, but there are always the times where I'm just standing there talking minding my own manners and BAM! No little twinge to give me a heads up just the BAM! Those are the ones I hate the most. 

Knock on wood that I have yet to have one of these graceful episodes at school. I often think of what I will do. People don't know me or my story and I would feel so awkward if that happened. I would be so embarrassed. 

Anyways... I guess I should make a follow up appointment with the Dr to discuss my nothingness. I just don't get it. I mean it's almost every other month like to the T. It's usually the right side. It's almost like my period, but I don't get my period due to the continuous BC. That's what I don't get. Why is my body still trying to make and egg or something. I don't know what it's doing really!

All these other fabulous women out there know there body so well. They know what they are looking for and what everything means. Meanwhile in Stephanie Land I'm just like "La Dee Da" It goes back to me being in denial. If I don't know then it can't hurt me... WRONG. 

PS just heard a strange noise in the house and almost cried. Probably the ice machine.

Okay enough of this rant... I have a skills test today followed by a quiz and a major exam tomorrow. Focus!

Motivation

My motivation today is no where to be found. My mind is all over the place....

I am going to write a drug card.
I want to buy a dress.
What is on pin.terest.
I should work out.
I should blog.
About that dress.
Did I pay my bills this month?
I wonder what Jamie is doing.
Back to the drug cards.
Back to the computer.
I need a snack.
Yummy snack.
Roxy wants a snack.
Drug cards.
Computer.
Dress.
Snack.

OH BOY! I need help! I need to get it together! Tomorrow after class I drive back home. Work all night. Then Friday morning I have an ultrasound. I am sure it's not going to show anything. I had some pain yesterday, but not the fall on the ground kind just the hey I'm here pain. The Dr. still continues to tell me the endo isn't growing because I'm on continuous birth control. Apparently that's the end all be all to endo. HA! I wish for there to be a cyst only because then it would be something I could see. Endo is like a fake disease that no one believes you have because no tests show it. Oh how I want to be normal again...

Break Time

Oh how I miss my life before nursing school. I loved being free and not tied down. I could get up and go whenever I wanted. I could vacation, relax, SLEEP, and do whatever and whenever.

I feel so tied down. Like a bad relationship or something. I have to fight for time to myself. I have to cut things out and decide what is important and what isn't.

I miss going to the gym. I'm in this little town where there are no LA fitnesses. I don't want to pay for 2 gyms. It's so bloody hot still that I can't even convince myself to go for a run when I need to.

Jamie and I have been trying to purchase this bike from his friend for like months, but we never have time together so we haven't gone to get it. Man how I want that bike. I just want to be able to exercise with out running. We all know I hate to run, but riding a bike... That became so much fun as I was doing my triathlon.

I hope I will be able to do another triathlon next year. I really liked the all women one my sister and I did last year. Hopefully she will want to do it again!

Okay homework break is over... Back to the books

True Love

Jamie and I have had our share of ups and downs a few months ago. It was really hard on both of us and I was starting school so that just made everything worse. Sometimes I tell people too much about him and I and that just comes back to bite me in the butt. People love to tell me how to run my life and what decisions I need to make in regards to him. I do really good at keeping things to myself, but then I start trusting people and that's where things always go back full circle.

I just don't understand how I can tell my best friend and even my parents about the things Jamie has done, but they do not judge me for staying. I remember bawling all the way to my parents house in the car with my parents after my wisdom teeth removal. I told my dad how much I love him and yes the things he did hurt me, but I just can't walk away. He told me I didn't need to make a decision right then and there, but to make a decision and stick by it. I chose to stay.

To be honest I rarely see him now days because I'm always away at school. We see each other on the weekends and that is sparingly because of work for him and I. We are making things work.

Quite frankly I don't need people telling me about my relationship. I don't need your advice. I don't need you telling me he is cheating on me or that I'm stupid for staying with him. I just get so irritated when my "friends" love to tell me these things. If my parents can accept my decision then you should to.

This past week was a real test... with Princess (the dog) and the stress of school was just taxing. I called Jamie when I did well on my skills testing and he told me he was proud of me! The days following I kept him posted about Princess and he never ONCE told me I was stupid for crying over the dog. Let's just be real... Any guy would be like it's a dog get over it. Not my Jamie. He was supportive and understands that it's not just about the dog dying but it's the fact that it's CANCER. He has been there for my own personal battle and has been there for all the tears and cheers related to that. I was really REALLY impressed by his love. He never tried to cut me off while I was telling him how I felt. He never said he was too busy or anything of the sort. He cared. Cared about the silly family dog. Cared about how it was impacting me.

He has really been a blessing in my life. I don't understand how some people are so blind to that. I guess I know the truth because I live it.

Sometimes when things start to go bad I regress and think Jamie is my ex who used to be abusive in every way. So to make up for not doing anything in the past to protect myself I go CRAZY. I mean CRAZY. I do things with out thinking.

Now I'm not saying some of things he has done are just peachy, but I know that I should not have reacted the way I did.

I give Jamie serious props for being able to see past the things I have done to him. He must love me a whole lot. Wow! That is true love.

Jamie is my best friend, my side kick, my stronger half, and the man I love. If you have a problem with that then you have no business being in my life.

Bit o Good

Yesterday after my emotionally exhausting day I decided I really need to call the Dr to find out my own status. It had been 11 days with no call. I knew it would be awhile because I was there on a Friday and I was the last patient. I called them and was told a nurse would call me back. Sure enough about 45 min  later the nurse called and said that the Dr hadn't reviewed the results, but everything looked fine. I decided that she has probably seen about 1 million results and would know if something was wrong or not.

I am so grateful that IT is not back on me personally. I am still mourning over Princess.

I told my dad last night that I was pissed because cancer has taken people I love and now it is taking even the dumb dog! SERIOUSLY CANCER... EFF OFF!

Today in my nursing class we were going over surgery stuff. I realized that my own surgery that is now almost 2 years ago is still VERY fresh in my mind. I remember how nervous I was and really I had no idea what they were looking for. I had NOOOO idea what endometriosis was. I had no idea that the surgery wouldn't cure me. I wonder if the time will come that I have to have surgery again. I hope not.

If Cancer was a Person

I would kill them. I would have killed them years ago. I would have made them suffer a long and horrible death just like it does to everyone and now everything I love.

Don't mind my over dramatics...

HOWEVER...

About 14 years ago my grandparents had a dog show up at their house and have puppies. We adopted one. It was technically my brother's dog, but we all loved her. Princess is her name. I grew up with this dog and eventually got dogs of my own. Princess was a good dog. She would bark at anyone and ANYTHING. I remember putting on my rollerblades and going on a walk/ride. One time she ran off the side walk and I went flying, but she came back to make sure I was okay. I even trained her that if I dropped the leash she would stop and turn around to check on me. She was the best dog. She never got out of the yard and loved to ride in the back of the truck. She would bark at every man hole covering and car if we got her excited enough.

Today we noticed that she was bleeding and there was something protruding out of her. We took her to the vet. Story of my life... She has a cancerous tumors. One that is out and multiple ones inside so they can't even remove the bigger one. The vet said they had been growing for awhile and just finally came out. She doesn't know where else the cancer has spread to. I started crying. EFF YOU CANCER!!!! GO TO HELL AND NEVER COME OUT!

We decided to bring her home so we could be with her instead of leaving her at the vet. They gave us antibiotics to keep some of the bacteria from spreading too quickly since she licks it and such.

All I have to say is I hate cancer.

The end.

God's Hand

Today I was driving to my parents house to attend school in the AM. This drive is about 2 hours give or take. There are often people riding bikes along the road, going through the reservation there are hitch hikers. This evening I was just outside of town where I noticed a female around 18-28 walking with a boy around 8-12 walking 2 dogs, rolling luggage, and the boy was also carrying a pillow. Now I don't stop for anyone or anything. Not even bad car accidents even technically I'm trained, but it's just not something I do when I'm alone. It's not a safe thing to do. I kept driving. My mind began thinking and my heart pounding. I knew it was Heavenly Father touching my heart to turn around.

I was fighting with my self over turning around vs not. I was literally to the last place to turn around when something took over and I turned on my blinker and turned around. I immediately started praying. I did not know what I was going to do or how to help these people, but I just knew I had to. By the time I got back to them they were loading up in the back of someone's truck. The look on the woman's face was that of worry, scared, sad, and hope. I practically had stopped when the truck got back on the road. The driver waved me to go around so I did. I just continued to drive the rest of the way home.

I started crying after this. It was so emotional for me to actually feel God's hand in my life. I know I did not help those people, but maybe that wasn't the point. Maybe the point was to see if I was willing and ready to help when God calls upon me. I was crying because I'm under a lot of stress lately, but NOTHING compares to that. NOTHING at all. There is nothing in my life that is even close to that. I don't know who these people were or what their story is. All I know is that I hope and pray that they will have strength to keep fighting through whatever is going on in their life.

Sometimes I feel so alone. Yeah I know God is out there, but I just don't always feel close to him. Today when I felt God's hand in my life it's like He knew EXACTLY where I was, what I was doing, and where I was going. He knew everything.

I know to some people this may not make much sense and I'm sure there are critics out there who can say I just turned around just because and if God really was making you feel that way then why was someone else already there. I know that is was God's hand in my life. I know that maybe I was to turn around because it was a test to see if I'm ready for something else bigger to come. I know God knows me and loves me! He knows my stresses and everything going on in my life.

Waiting and Hoping

Although Dr. M told me everything looks good down yonder I still am nervous. However the last time I wasn't nervous at all so it's gonna be different this time... I hope. I swear if I get a freaking call saying that IT is back I'm going to lose it. I'm going to go crazy, but then as the story goes... I will get myself together and keep on fighting. I am so scared. No one gets that. Not a damn person. I struggled with this for months. The wait is killing me. And I know it's going to be probably next week before I know. Please dear God don't let me go through this again. I have so much on my plate right now. I guess if something does come back bad I already know the process. Just PLEASE don't let it come back worse.  I am so scared and alone. Everyone thinks it's just a check up no big deal. It's not JUST a check up. It's THE check up. The one that tells me if my body is responding to the extra TLC I've been trying to give it.

In other news... Tomorrow I have skills testing. Pray for me. Tuesday I have a major test. Pray for me. Wednesday is the head to toe assessment. Keep on praying.

I really am so consumed by this fear that I will lose everything if IT comes back. Please just don't let it come back.

My grandpa who had bladder cancer warned me that every check up would be hard. You will sit there and worry and pray. The best part about me being scared about the ish coming back is... I don't know how I will juggle nursing school. That's basically all I care about. I could careless about losing my hair or even the extreme death. I just don't want to have to quit school. I know that I'm jumping WAY ahead of myself and need to bring it back down, but I just needed to get it out there. I needed to say it.

Okay I'll go to bed now. Praying. A lot of praying.

Quicky

Went to the Dr. today. Had my 4 month follow up pap. I cried because I am so scared IT is going to come back! IT can't come back. IT better not come back! Jamie said it would be okay and I said what if it isn't okay to which he replied then we will make it be okay. I love him. Told Dr. M about my recent pain. He said we will get an ultra sound. I know that won't show the endo, but maybe there is a cyst. Too bad with my busy schedule I can't get in for another 3 weeks. By that time everything will probably be fine. Oh well. Typical!

I'm actually sitting in my car in the garage writing this. I just got home from work. I'm so strange.

Random Ramblings

There I was talking to Jamie about things going on at work when I ended up on the ground curled up in a ball, crying, can't breathe. He is telling me to breathe and I'm thinking yeah right it hurts more when I breathe. Then he tells me how I NEED to go see a GI doctor and how it's probably something with my intestines. I love the guy I really do, but he doesn't understand that the reason I don't want to go to another Dr is because I don't want more tests, possibly another diagnosis, maybe a diagnosis that has no resolution. I know that seems strange to some one that is normal, but well I'm not.

Speaking of Drs. This Friday I have my first pap since the big C scare. I'm nervous. REALLY nervous. I told my best friend that I am pretty sure everything would be fine because God couldn't do this to me right now while I'm going to school. (At least I hope he won't, but if He does I know I will just take it all in and roll with the punches as usual.)

School is going okay. Last week I got 100% on my quiz. I was REALLY excited. This week I don't think my quiz went so well. Good thing I got 100 last week to make up the difference. I really should be studying but my mind is just all over the place right now.

When I get overwhelmed I just sort of shut down and shut it all out. I should work on that. I should be working really hard to get ahead, but instead I'm just exhausted! I just want to SLEEP! I'm not a big fan of the saying I'll sleep when I'm dead, mostly because... Well if I don't sleep I could die! And really I think I'll be busy in Heaven meeting with all the people I miss and love.

My cousin Tim died of cancer years ago. I was never SUPER close to him when he was here, but when he died it really hit me. I felt an attachment to him. Sometimes I wonder if when I go to Heaven if it will be awkward when we meet up again. I mean what would we even say to each other. I would probably thank him for being my guardian angel and saving my life a few times. But would he think it's strange that I feel so close to him now, but never hung out with him much when he was here because he was so much older than me. He was like 10 years plus older than me so it's not like as children he would want to hang out with me.

Okay I guess enough of the rambling. I'll go study or something.... Or something.

Boy Oh Boy

Nursing school is getting the best of me. I actually don't know if it's so much nursing school or everything else that is going on with nursing school.

Here is my life:
Sunday-Sleep because I work Saturday night- Wake up early-ish. Drive to my parents for school.
Monday- 8 am school (I work nights. That's a little hard)
Tuesday- School and study, STUDY!
Wednesday-School and more and more STUDYING!
Thursday- Sleep in. School 12-4. Drive directly from school for 2.5 hours to get to work by 645 pm.
Friday-Sleep and Work
Saturday-Sleep and Work

Repeat for the next 2 years!!!!

Seriously I do not have ONE day to relax. Everyday I'm not only shuffling, but I'm also constantly on the go. (Lame play on words with the lyrics... Everyday I'm shufflin...) I just long for the week where I have ONE DAY OFF! Just one. ONE! One where I do not have to get out of my pajamas or think about where I need to go next. What I need to study for or where my next clinical is... granted I haven't even started my clinicals yet!

I know in October things are going to get a little better and I just need to endure until then, but man this is HARD! I went from just working 3 days on 2 off 3 on and then 6 off!!!! I loved those 6 days. I was so lazy on those day, minus going to the gym. The last 2 weeks I can't even think about going to the gym although it would probably be the best thing to relieve some of this stress. I need some sort of goal physically to work on while I struggle through this. I need something that I love that will make me happy.

Best part about being home... Homemade food, Roxy dog, Family, and that's probably about it. Oh and bean burro's from the place I used to work in high school. I love bean burros! YUM!

Summer-Now

I haven't posted in MONTHS because I have been so overwhelmed with things going on in my life.

Kiara (my niece) had her first surgery in May.

In June I went to a family reunion. Went to California with Jamie where we had fun playing tennis every day in the cool air, we went paddle boarding in the bay, and just spent time being together.

July Kiara had another surgery because the first surgery the Dr did not place the right size shunt. She spent almost a week in the pediatric ICU at my hospital. The Dr. sent her home to early. She was sent home vomiting and still was having head aches. The next day She was in an ER 3 hours away from the hospital where the Dr was taking care of her. She was taken (with my sister) by ambulance back to the hospital where the Dr could watch her. She came to the ICU again. This was a really hard time for my family and I. The Dr was less than helpful giving us information about what was going on. He kept trying to beat around the bush. After this happening for 3 days I went to one of the girls that I know and  lit a fire under everyone. The girl is the social worker on the floor and I let her know that we have no idea what is going on and we need answers. Pretty soon the Drs were in there, but the Neurosurgeon was SUPER rude. He was pissed that we were asking questions. Well maybe if he flipping told us what was happening in the first place we would be so mad. From the time she came back to the hospital to this day (Wednesday) She could not stand for long periods of time with out getting a head ache. She couldn't even hardly sit up completely to eat her food. OBVIOUSLY something was wrong. Finally on Thursday the Neurosurgeon  came in and adjusted her shunt with the magnet and INSTANTLY she felt better.

Oh did I mention that when she came back to the hospital I called my sister in Utah and told her what was happening and she and her family loaded up the car and drove 10 hours to get to the hospital so my  sister wouldn't be alone. I have an AMAZING family!

Kiara is doing better. She is in the 5th grade and happy as can be.

I started nursing school which a whole new journey. I had my first quiz today and it's only the 2nd week of school. I missed 2 or 3 out of 25. Oh well. Whatever. I passed and that's really all I care about. I'm really nervous because I feel so much responsibility with this role. I text one of my girl friends who works with me and she told me to get it together because I ROCK and I know what I'm doing I just need to have a little bit of faith in myself.

Jamie and I have been having a lot of ups and downs lately. It's been really hard on me. I've been with him for almost 3 years and when we fight it tears me apart. I love him, but sometimes I really wonder how much he loves me. I probably shouldn't have written that, but well I don't even care. He knows how I feel.

I realized last Friday that a lot of the abuse from my past is still playing a HUGE role in my life today and it's not the best of feelings. Damn men! I've been working on getting passed this for quite some time, but apparently you can't snap your fingers and make all the bad stuff in your life disappear.

I'm going to go to bed now.

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. I just have so much going through my mind that I'm about to FREAK OUT! I still have a huge test to take to make it legally into nursing school. I keep putting it off because I don't want to fail so instead I procrastinate. I found out last Friday that school would be 4 days a week instead of 3 and that has caused me to go insane. I thought that I would be able to work 3 days, do school 3 days, and have a day off. Nope. Not happening. Why do I want to travel 2.5 hours away to go to school. Why do I want to keep my job. Why do I pay so much for rent and then stay with Jamie so much. Where are Jamie and I even going. He doesn't want kids. I do. I mean seriously. I'm just going crazy in my mind. Mostly I am scared. I'm scared of what is to come because I want it so bad and don't want to fail. If I fail I think I will give up for good and find a new career. Maybe I will become a garbage woman. Maybe I will become a ice cream lady. I don't know. I do know that I am stressed!

I am finally getting my wisdom teeth out in August. My niece is having another brain surgery next week. It's scary knowing so much this time around compared to when I was 15. She had surgery at the end of May, but didn't get the right shunt placed so she has to have another surgery that will be much more extensive. My sister is so strong to be able to cope with this.

The obgyn called the other day to do a follow up with Dr. M. They first called and left a message and I FREAKED out. Why are they calling me. What's wrong with me. Clearly I have so issues! The appointment isn't until Sept but I'm glad they called to get everything set up.

Sorry for the rambling, but my brain is a jumbly mess!

A Little Too Much

I don't really understand my body.

I think most girl's with endo don't. I mean seriously I could be having a happy jolly day when BAM out of no where the pain hits and I don't even understand. I haven't had 10/10 pain in a while, but as of the last week it's been hitting like CRAZY.

On the 25-28th of June Jamie and I spent time in Carlsbad, CA. We enjoy that place because it's active and relaxing. We slept a lot, played tennis every day, went to the beach every day and even went paddle boarding in Mission Bay. It was very enjoyable to get out of the heat for a few days. It was almost comical because when we were driving back in to AZ we stopped to eat. I got out of the car and almost instantly when the heat hit me... so did the pain. Jamie took it as a sign that I need to move. I just took it as this is my life.

I just don't really get how sometimes my pain can feel "controlled," but then others every day it's there to the extreme. I don't even remember the last time I was at the gym and had pain until yesterday. I always get so embarrassed because I look like a complete baby! Sometimes I wish I had a blinking sign over my head that says... "I have endometriosis look it up!" Maybe I should make a shirt that says that to make myself feel better. No matter what people won't understand. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LOOK SICK DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! Stop staring at me like I'm crippled.

Jamie thinks I should go see a GI dr just to make sure nothing else is going on, but honestly it's just another dr to add to my list and I'm over drs. I'm over stupid tests that show me nothing. I'm over spending money on drs that can't give me answers. I'm just over everything. Excuse my bitterness, but I'm highly annoyed. Sigh... I don't know what to do. Any ideas?

Very First

On May 26, 2012 was my VERY first REAL concert. AHHH!

I wasn't sure who I was going to go with because my friends had to work and my old room mate had some things come up so she couldn't go. A few days before the concert... litterally the Thursday before I was talking about it again to my coworker who I first asked, Meg (who I went to Hawaii with) and we decided to see if she could get off that Saturday night to come with. Our awesome manager let her off the hook as long as she promised to check in after the concert to make sure the team was okay.

We saw Sugarland and I LOVED IT! I can't believe how amazing Jennifer is. We sang and danced around to all the songs. They even played my favorite song! "Take Me As I Am." My FAVORITE lines are...
"If you want it
Come and get it
If you want it, come and get it but understand
You take me as I am

I know these corners, I know these streets
The curb-side Prophet there yelling at me
He can save my soul for a drink and a dollar
Yeah, he's yelling about my tattoos
But we all live with the scars we choose
They might hurt like hell, but they all make us stronger"

I just really connect with this song and was so thrilled when they played it. I just was taking it all in! My life has just been so crazy lately and I feel like I'm finally doing the things that I've been putting off for another day.

Maybe having this Pre-C scare is what I needed to get myself in gear. I am not taking things for granted and am finally doing things I want and not depending on others to be there.

If you can recall I was very excited because Jamie said that he would go with me to these concerts because it's something I wanted and loved. Guess who was the first to say no? Yes, you are correct... him. Oh well. It's probably better that way since people were smoking and stuff and he always goes crazy about people that smoke. Besides he wouldn't have known any of the songs and Meg knew everything and we even got to sing to each other.

Life is good, life is bad, but really it's what we make of it that matters.

I had a goal of doing a bikini show this summer. Although I'm in good shape I'm not where I want or need to be for the show and won't be participating. I was kind of sad. You know the... I let myself down... AGAIN. I let another show pass me by. But to be honest I've been having so much fun doing other things that are more important to me than some silly bikini show. All the girls there have fake b..bs and some have wigs. I'm more into being all natural and earning what I deserve. Maybe I'll do a show someday, but today is not that day. This summer has started off so AMAZING and I can't wait to see what else becomes of it!

Tri On!

This was started on May 24, 2012. I've been busy!

I headed up to Utah this passed Thursday to be with my sister to do our triathlon. Friday morning I woke up earlier than I had planned on, but that's what happens when you are switching from nights to days. I read through some of my emails as I was in bed. I had recieved one from the people doing the triathlon. They had some rules to read and some othere stuff. At the bottom they listed some women of steel and what they had to go through to get there. When we signed up they asked why are you a woman of steel and what did you have to overcome to be here. When I was reading the email I realized I was one of the people that they quoted. I said, "I have had to over come the pains of endometriosis every day while training. I also have precancerous cells on my cervix that I am battling with multiple procedures while training as well. It has been difficult to do, but I'm doing it!" When I saw this I started to cry. I almost forgot what I had to go through to get to this point in time. I was also crying because someone thought I was a woman of steel and recognized my battles as being worth writing down. Later that morning, my sister and I, went on a small bike ride just to get the bikes ready and make sure we were really ready for what was in store for us Saturday morning. Friday night we picked up our packets and saw where we were to put our bikes and get everything settled. I remember being so super scared. Saturday morning I woke up earlier than I had planned, but that was okay. It gave me time to get my mind in gear before the big race. I listened to my ipod and just took things easy. My sister woke up and we got everything ready to go.

At 8 am we were huddled up with 844 other people next to the pool. It was PURE CHAOS! There were 2 seperate lines on each end of the pool and people were entering the pool every 15 seconds. There were so many people that people were walking instead of swimming because there was no possible way to pass someone. Finally it was our turn. My sister went first and I followed shortly behind her. Once we finished it we went to the transition zone. On the way to the transition we saw her husband and kids screaming and yelling for us! It was so much fun. I love them all so much! In the transition zone my sister and I were not next to each other because it was done by age. I looked up as I was changing and putting on my shoes to see her taking her bike down. I thought she still had her shoes to put on and thought I would be next to her. I was wrong. I fell behind again because my helmet had some issues when I first attempted to put it on. Finally I got out of the gate and heard my fan club cheering me on! When I got on my bike it was a crazy feeling. I made it up the first hill okay, but the second (the hill of death) was a big DUZY! People were running the hill faster than I was biking. No joke! BUT... I kept going. I kept pushing the dumb pedals. On the downhill part I really was able to pick up some time and it felt so good to fly. I started my second loop of the bike. Once again I got to the hill of death and someone said "Keep going AZ" (since I had AZ sisters dare to Tri on my shirt.) I made up the dumb hill again and then eventually flew down the last part. Oh I have to add.. While I was riding I decided I need to eat something. All I had planned to eat was this grano.la bar with pb and chocolate. BAD IDEA FOLKS! The p.b. and chocolate did not go well with my saliva and everything else going on. Do NOT ever attempt to eat that during a Tri! Anyways...

The transition to the run was easy. Basically you get off your bike and run next to it until you rehang it. The rehanging it is the hard part because your muscles feel all crazy. I made it out to do the run. I tried really hard to run and did the best I could. I ended up walk/running it. It honestly was the best I could do. As I rounded the last corner where there was 100-200 yards left I saw my sister running towards me. I was choaking back my tears which made it even more hard to breathe in that altitude with no inhaler (oops!) It was very emotional to have my sister finish with me. She came back for me after she finished just like she said she would. We finished together hand in hand! I have never been so proud in my LIFE!!!!

There was a few times when I was pretty emotional through out the course. So many things were running through my mind to keep me going such as... I'm doing this! No one else is making do this. I'm doing this all by myself! I'm actually doing this! This is real life! EFF endo! You will not beat me! You will not give me pain! I will beat you! I am doing this!

I am just so proud of myself. As I was finishing up the biking portion and was flying down that hill for the last time I was thinking about another time when I was really proud of myself and felt this same way. When I was 19 I won a pageant and it was quite a big deal to me. I remember the feeling of I did this. No one gave me this, but I earned it! That's exactly how I felt. I earned the right to say I did a triathlon!

I am so proud of my sister and myself. She finished the race 30 minutes faster than she had a previous race she had done. I finished 10 minutes behind my sister in this race. I know our times aren't that fabulous, but I'm still very proud of them. She achieved 1:39 and I was 1:49. I just can't get over the fact that we did this!

After the race was over Andrew, my sisters husband, and the kids were all there to greet us and give us hugs! They too were also proud of us. We were pretty sore, but ate some fruit they gave us and then rode the bikes the mile back to their house. The rest of the day we relaxed and then went to a lunch to celebrate how awesome we are!

I hope that I can keep up my training and do another one someday. However... I have to buy a bike. With me going back to school I'm not sure if a bike is in the budget as of right now.

Almost Time to Tri

Saturday is my triathlon. I'm nervous, but excited. I mostly can't wait to hold my niece and nephews in my arms again. Have I mentioned that I love them? I love all my nieces and nephews. Nothing brings me as much joy in my life as my family does. They are all my little angels! I wish I could see them all more! And may I just add in here that I'm VERY protective of my family. I'm like a big mean dog when it comes to my family and protecting them.

I digress... Triathlon... I don't know if I'm ready. I'm not really in a good place mentally as of late. I dunno. I think I'm getting stronger and able to deal with things in my past, but then something brings me back down. I was starting to finally feel like I have a "voice" again. I felt like I wasn't left silent anymore. I'm still working on it. It's a work in progress for sure. It's not easy to be shut up for so long and then try and break that silence and go back to being "myself." I remember who I used to be and I like her. I wish I could just snap out of this silence I am in, but being shut up for so long became the new "me." At least I am trying I suppose.

Training for this tri has taken a toll on my body for sure. I haven't had to use my hard pain meds in months, but just a few days ago after a hard run I had to take one because of how bad my endo/cramps were. It's a weird pain and sort of different than my endo pain, but still feels the same (if that makes any sense.) I do feel better mentally when I run just not always physically.

I feel like this triathlon signifies a lot more than just running a triathlon. I feel like I've been tri-ing to get my life back. It's been something to work at that is hard for me, but each and every day I feel a little stronger. I know that I've over come a lot in my life so what is one measly triathlon. It's like nothing compared to some of the things I've been through.

I fly out Thursday and can't wait!

A Special Heart

I finally got the results from my stress test on Wendesday morning. I had worked all Tuesday night and had stayed up for the appointment. Lately I've been having issues sleeping so I was EXHAUSTED. I was so tired I fell asleep in the room waiting for the Dr. to come in. I was a little embarrassed when the nurse practitioner finally walked it, but I quickly recovered and she appologized for being tardy.

She told me my heart looks beautiful. The stress test looked good and my blood pressure at is highest point was still with a normal persons resting blood pressure. She said everything was doing what is was supposed to. I asked her why I was having pain and if it was due to the murmur. She agreed that it was due to the murmur. She said the left valve has 3 little flaps that make up my heart valve. They each are connected to muscle fibers. One of the little flaps is a little late closing. They aren't all in sync with each other causing a small amout of blood to be forced back up the opposite way. When I warm up my heart I could possibly feel the pain because it's trying to get back in sync. I took months off of running because I hate it so much so when I started training again for my tri that's why it started acting up. She said that it's nothing to be concerned about and she too had the same problem and has never had any problems. I asked her about higher elevations and she said that I will have pain and palpitations because my heart is working extra hard because of lack of oxygen at higher elevations.

I have a special heart! I am glad that I finally have some answer. This is exactly what I needed to know. I am happy with the news I got and feel like it's the answer to all the questions I have had.

The 19th is my triathlon and I am scared out of my mind!!!! I'm not sure if I'm completely ready, but too bad I'm doing it anyways. It's going to be a lot of fun to do it with my sister. All I want to do is finish. I don't care about my time or place or really anything as long as I finish the silly race! I can't wait!

Back to the Books

Monday night around 1130pm I went and checked the mail because it had been a few days. I went through it and found a letter that I had been waiting for!

It was the acceptance letter into NURSING SCHOOL! Can you even believe it? I can't. I am very excited, but also quite nervous. Actually I think I'm more nervous than excited.

I had to wait FOREVER to call my Mom and Dad because it was the middle of the night and I wasn't dying so I didn't need to wake them up. Jamie happened to be over eating dinner and was very excited for me. Today, Tuesday, I started to call and text people. Everyone has been really positive and supportive.

It has been such a long ways coming with a lot of set backs. I'm so ready to move forward with my life.

I'm not looking forward to all the reading. Honestly I feel like I should start reading TODAY because I know there is gonna be so much work to do. Not only will I be going to school 3 days a week, but I will also be working 3 nights a week, oh AND I have to commute to school. That's a scary thing too. The school I will be attending is where I'm from and where my parents live. I will drive down the night before classes, stay through the classes, and return back to where I currently live and go to work. It is going to be CRAZY! Literally INSANE, but for 2 years I can do anything. It's gonna be worth it.

In other news... My endo has been taking a toll on me. I honestly don't know what the deal is. At least daily it's there reminding me that it has not gone away. I thought that I had my pain mostly under control with the B.C. pills that I'm on so I don't know what the deal is!

My stress test went fine. Of course I didn't have any pain while on the treadmill. Of course not. I did have a twinge of pain after, but they said there were no changes to my ekg when I had the pain. I just am at a point where I'm okay with not having any answers to what is going on. I figure it can't be too bad or else I would be dead by now!

That about sums up the last few days and all the excitement! August 20th here I come!

Utah

Last week I went up to Utah to visit my sister and her family. I had a ton of fun with everyone and really enjoyed myself. I was sad to leave and teared up with my niece and nephew as I hugged them goodbye. I had worked Thursday night and it was a crazy night. I did get off a little early and that was good, but we had a code and after those I always have a hard time sleeping. So instead of sleeping I packed and showered and did those things I needed to do. It turned out a good thing that I stayed up because I got a text 3 hours before my flight was scheduled that it was being cancelled.

In all my years of flying I have NEVER had a flight cancelled. I didn't know what to do really. Jamie was asleep and so I didn't want to wake him. I ended up calling the company and they helped me out. I called my sister and told her the change of plans. We were both really just glad I could still come that day not totally rescheduled.

When I got there I was greeted with smiles and hugs all around, little hands to hold, and big kisses! We enjoyed watching for my luggage and talking about the fact I was coming from 90 degree weather to now 50's and pouring rain if not snow. Once we got home the kids showed my their new room and pictures they drew for me. They were so excited to have me there!

The next days consisted of going to the inside pool with the slide, going to the dinosaur museum, going shopping, making shirts for our big run, and a LOT of training. I quickly realized that I had a lot more training to do. The hills in Utah are more like MOUNTAINS to me. My sister took me on the trail and it was WAY harder than I thought. However I did it! Basically the course is this... hill, BIG HILL, okay, turn, okay, turn, down hill (FAST!), turn, okay, hill, repeat! That loop is about 6.4 miles. After we do that loop another time we run. The run goes like this. hill, BIG hill, turn, okay, down hill, turn, finish. That loop is like 3 miles and of course they have to make us run up the most brutal hill in the face of all hills on Earth. (Excuse the dramatics there.) One day we decided to do all 3 events. We biked to the place, then we swam, did one bike loop, then attempted to run. I think we managed to only run one mile and that was really hard for me. My poor sister had to hold back for me because I was just dying. Then after all that we biked home. All in all we figured we have about 2/3s of the race completed. I am pretty proud of what we have accomplished so far, but like I said... I have a long ways to go to keep up with that sister of mine.

I know you're DYING to know what our shirts are.... We got pink t-shirts that match our trishorts and my sister got GLITTERY print paper. On the front are stick figures doing the swim bike run positions. The back reads... AZ sisters dare to TRI. I am nervous because there are only a few more weeks and I feel so weak! I am SUPER nervous!

Jamie said that he might come up which is really exciting because this is a big deal and I'm glad he is going to be there to support me. If he can't come it will be okay too. My nephew LOVES him. I think they have met once, but apparently Jamie made a big impact on him. He was talking non-stop about Jamie this and Jamie that. I miss Jamie and I love Jamie. Jamie is the best. He throws me high in the sky and catches me and he isn't a tickle monster. I had Jamie me send me videos of his motorcycle and him riding it. My nephew thought it was the coolest thing EVER!!! He would ask for that multiple times a day and smile each time. My niece and nephew both got to call him and say hi. Hopefully Jamie will get to come see them because he is well loved by them.

The other day I was at the gym with out Jamie because he had to go earlier for work and I had an appointment to go to so we couldn't go at the same time. I was just doing my thing and say one of his friends there. He asked how I was and how my dieting is going for this show I'm supposed to be doing in July. I told him things are better and that I'm doing a triathlon. He asked why I was doing that and I told him that it was a goal of mine and I'm doing it with my sister. Fast forward to the next day. Jamie comes home from court where he had seen his friend who is also a fellow officer. He told Jamie he had seen me at the gym and bla-dee-bla. He tells Jamie... Why are you LETTING her do a MARATHON. Does anyone else see a problem with this sentence. Okay first of all!!!! Jamie does not LET me do anything or FORCE to do anything. I make my own decisions and he supports me. He helps me and pushes me when and if I need an extra boost, but he does not control me. Get REAL! Second.... I explained to him all about the TRIATHLON. Clearly someone does not know how to listen. As you can tell I was pretty ticked when hearing this. I wanted to punch that guy right in the mouth and give him a piece of my mind! I'm not Jamie's dog or child. We are equals. I support him, he supports me. That's how it goes. Stupid people these days. I have yet to see this guy again and honestly I'm not sure if I will have enough guts to say anything to him.

Sorry for the longest post of my LIFE, but I've been a busy, busy bee!

Work It!

Last week I really decided that in order for me to really meet the goals I want for myself I was going to have to push myself extra hard to get them. Like I have said in my previous blogs I have been working out and such. Did I mention that I also am working too?

Working 12 hour shifts really kicks your butt. Then I need to sleep at some point. And I have forced myself to figure out time to work out. It's been hard. Today (still my "Sunday" although everyone else's Monday) was luckily my rest day along with Thursday was as well. So really today is my 4th day of work and I've only had to work out 2 of those days. However those were the hardest days of my life. Trying to convince myself to get out of bed and move was like trying to convince a child to take a nap. Oh how I would love a nap right now.

Monday, today (kinda), I have to bike. This will be one of the shorter rides that I have had to do, but I'm still so sore and exhausted that here I am convincing myself to do it HOURS before I even have to.

Wednesday I'm flying out to go see one of my sisters in Utah! (HAPPY DAY!!) I am so excited to see her and her family! We also are going to be going over the track for the tri. I'm nervous about that because where I come from, or should I say where I ride, I don't have any serious hills and I know in Utah there will be a hill. I'm not sure how big this hill is, but I've been warned there is a hill.

From working my 12 hour job- 6 days in a row and working out... I've just been working it. Work and work! I feel great about myself, but boy how I just want to sleep with no alarm going off to wake me reminding me of something I need to do. Oh how I want to eat an entire carton of ice cream with out batting an eye. It's okay though. I know that in a little over 5 weeks I will be rocking that tri and in a little over 14 I will be rocking the stage! BRING IT!

TTFN

To Murmur or Not to Murmur

Today was the trip to the cardiologist. Jamie was kind enough to attend this appointment with me. We waited for an hour to even go back and I went a little crazy waiting because I had an appointment time for a reason. Once we FINALLY got called back the Dr came in like 5 min later and talked to us. He asked me 3 times if I smoked. Seriously... it was no the first time and in 3 min I didn't take up smoking. However besides that the Dr. K is much more enjoyable than Dr. S. When he listened to my heart he heard... A MURMUR! Dr. S was so sure I didn't have a murmur which is quite annoying to me now. Dr. K said yes indeed you do have a murmur and I hear it. He made me do fast breathing like I was hyperventilating. Apparently that was just to see if I would pass out or not. Well I didn't!

He decided that I should have a stress test done. He also sent out for my records at the previous Dr's office. The stress test that they are doing isn't just the normal walk on the treadmill thing. I get an ultra sound of my heart and then I do the treadmill test and followed up by another ultrasound to compare. Hopefully my heart will act up so I won't be considered completely crazy!

I am glad that Dr. K did hear the murmur because that just means I'm not crazy... At least not too crazy!

Feel the Burn

Last Friday I went to a gym with one of my girlfriends from work. She has a personal trainer type person. Seriously I thought I was going to cry because It was just a really tough work out. My quads were hurting pretty bad, but I finished it out. I took Saturday and Sunday off from the gym or any type of exercise.

Monday I started hardcore on my diet and my training. I rode my bike and I was still sore from Friday that it was not the best ride I've had to date. As much as I didn't want to I manned up and went to the gym later with Jamie did some weights and then played some racquetball.

Tuesday I had some serious break throughs... Jamie and I played tennis which I LOVED! I am not as good as I once was, but I still enjoyed myself. Later at the gym I maxed out on this dip machine thing. Jamie recorded me and one of our friends clapped for me as I busted my reps out. I was actually pretty embarrassed when I was done, yet I was really proud of myself. Then did some cardio where I ran/walked 20 min. I managed to once again beat my old record and in 20 min finish 1.65 miles. I even ran at 9.2mph!!!!! Seriously! I was so pumped up! I've never done that in my life time! After that we again played racquetball where I lost like usual! Jamie ALWAYS beats me. 2 years of playing and I have yet to win a game.

Today I swam 500 yards and then did a 30 min bike ride. My quads are still sore. Luckily tomorrow I have the day off from the gym. I do however have a doctors appointment with the cardiologist. I'm sure he won't say much, but hopefully he is nicer than the last one!

Well... TTFN.

I'm having a SUPER FABULOUS WEEK!

Pre-C Free!!!!

Yeah you read that right!!!! I'm 100% Cancer FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words can not describe how happy I am at this moment in my life. It feels like I can walk a little lighter and stand a little taller.

They called me this morning and left a message and the message was something like this... biopsy results are okay and follow up in 6 months. I was pissed because I need to know what the heck okay meant! Seriously okay can mean a billion different things! So I called them and left a message. I was probably rude in it, but mostly because I was mad they didn't tell me what okay was! They called back and I was getting a package out of the mail (my new tri shorts!) and missed the call. They left an extended message basically reading me word for word what the test results said. Everything was benign and no dysplasia or anything. I freaked out and Jamie gave me the biggest hug ever and I just sighed because I was so happy. At first I was just in shock about the whole thing and was like yeah it's cool and it wasn't until I called my dad when I realized just how amazing and awesome this really is! It hit me just how amazing this really and truly is.

So many prayers have been answered and I am truly blessed.

Thank you to those who have been praying and/or thinking about me during this hard time in my life. It has been crazy and hard, but I and we made it through!

I did it. We did it! It's over!!!!

BRING IT ON!

So I must admit that I've been really stressed about this whole waiting nonsense. I was REALLY hoping that when I woke up this morning there would be a voicemail waiting. Speaking of voice mails... Thursday when I woke up there was a voicemail and I got really excited, but it was from my other Dr.'s office reminding me that I have an appointment on Tuesday. Which I wonder what I was thinking when I scheduled that appointment because I have to work that night. Oh well whatever wouldn't be the first time I lost sleep by going to a Dr's appointment.

Back to the issue at hand... I now have to wait until Monday to get my results and it better be only til Monday because my heart palpitations are going WILD with excitement. I had a dream last night that they called and left a message and when I called them back they told me that everything was perfect and it was just a fluke deal and that he would see me in 6 months to follow up with me then. I remember being so excited and relieved. Please Dear God, let that be a dream come true, but thy will be done (That is my constant prayer.)

The last few days have just been really stressful and I have been feeling really deflated and just sort of floating through everything in my life. I've been thinking a lot lately about a bucket list. Yeah that's right I said it. BUCKET LIST! (My best friend is going to kill me when she reads this because she hates when I say that.) I should really come up with a better name for it because it sounds kind of sad, but really I don't look at it that way. Just things that I want to before I can't do them anymore. One of the things that was on this list was going to "Wicked" the musical. Earlier this month I went with some of the women in my family and it was amazing! So I checked that off the "List!"

Something that I have been dying to do is going to a concert. I've never really been to a real concert where people are dancing and singing along and having fun. I was raised mostly on listening to country music and that has always been something Jamie and I don't get along about. Today I was talking to him about this big concert event where you pay x amount of money and get to see 4 different concerts during the year. I had asked my best friend, but she wasn't able to attend some of the concerts so it would be pointless so I was really bummed. As I was talking to Jamie about it (via text because I hardly ever see him) I expressed my want to go do these things and he said "okay so let's go." I of course was shocked and said but it's country and would you even like that? He said, "not really, but I would like to be with you." I broke down because that is so sweet of him. All the stress that I've been going through just left me as I just basked in the moment. It was probably a good thing I was at work so I couldn't bawl like a baby. Hopefully soon I'll be checking -Go to a concert- off my list.

Dear Monday, come sooner because I want to hear good news! <<< As I just wrote that I thought how silly I must sound still hoping for good news after I've had so much bad news. I refuse to give up hope. I refuse to stop believing. I know that I can do hard things. When hard things come my way I say BRING IT ON!!!!! I can take you and more! I am strong! (Big thanks to my Mom and Dad for always teaching me that I am strong and I can do hard things.)

Maybe someday I'll post on here my "List"

Bla

Last night I didn't get much sleep because I was so nervous and stressed about today's biopsies.

My mom came and picked me up at 7:30 and we made the 30 plus minute drive to Dr M who is the Dr I've been working with for over a year now. We had to wait about 15 min to get back which I was prepared to do. I had to do a pregnancy test and it was negative of course.

Dr. M came in and was super peppy as always and I was sort of just bla because well this was not a happy thing to be at the GYN for. He said they were just going to do a normal pap and then take a look under the microscope thing and see if there were any bad cells. If there were he would take a biopsy of them, but he didn't seem to thing he would find anything. He had to use vinegar on my cervix to check for the bad spots and that kind of stung. He said that everything was looking great and he could hardly even tell I had the LEEP done. He was being super optimistic. He took a look under the scope and found a new spot. Yup you read that right. A NEW SPOT! The spots before were located at 3 and 9ish if you were looking at a clock. This new spot was found around the 10 position. He took a biopsy of it and continued to be very VERY positive that this would not be anything that it would come back fine, but we just needed to make sure and la dee dah. I finally had to say but what if it doesn't. I needed him to be honest about what the next step was just in case that's what I need to do. He said that if it's grade 1 we do nothing because my body should take care if it (HA what does he think my body is a magic cancer fighter?) Grade 2 another Leep. Grade 3 a cold knife procedure that will require me to go to the hospital and be put to sleep because they just don't have those things available in the office.

While I do enjoy everyone's optimism it's so hard for me to be super positive at this point. I am so ready for this to be done and over with. I'm so sick of seeing the Dr for less than happy appointments. I really just wanted him to be real with what is going on. He even said something along the lines of betting a dollar that this would come back clean and he would see me in 6 months. You better believe if I see him before that I will be collecting my dollar!

I feel so bla and just empty really. Honestly my emotions are just filled with anger. I am still holding out a bit of hope, not much, but some. Maybe the size of  this . <- I just hate to get my hopes up anymore than that really. Hopefully I will know the results later this week or early next week. Don't worry I'll let ya'll know when I do.

Getting on the Bike

Jamie and I have been looking for bikes for a few weeks now on c.list. We spent Monday afternoon going around to different houses looking at bikes. The best part is... Jamie sold his truck to one of his friends so we had to go borrow that said truck to pick up the bikes... BEST PART... we didn't even get a bike! Not one! I was pretty deflated by the whole thing because I was really looking forward to finally getting out and training on a REAL bike because it's so different than a spinning bike at the gym.

Tuesday (today) we had to go to the local good.will to pick up a skirt for Sara because she is going on a pioneer trek. We found a decent skirt for her to hike in and we were about to leave when I told Jamie we should check out the bikes. He laughed because he had been there days earlier to look for a bike and there was nothing! He humored me and walked back there. There was a bike. Sure the tires were flat and the seat cover was kind of coming up, but it was the right size for us to share and it was... Drum roll please... THIRTY DOLLARS. I was so excited that we were finally getting a bike! (I still need one for me, but that's besides the point here.)

We were actually on the way to the gym when we got the bike so we took it home. In all the excitement of the new bike we put air in the tires and gave it a quick ride. I then convinced Jamie that we should go on a "bike" ride together. Actually to be honest there wasn't much convincing involved because he is such a good sport. Our "bike" ride consisted of me riding the new to us bike and Jamie following me on his motorcycle. He has his police bike and another motorcycle that are both the same except one is black and white and has lights and the other is blue. Anyways... Yes, he rode behind me and on occasion beside me giving me encouragement and cheering me on. Have I told you guys that I love him? Because I do! I seriously wanted to give up after the first mile because it was all mostly up hill. I was so ready to turn around and go back home, but I'm so glad I stuck it out. I ended up riding 4 miles! I'm a third of the way there! The tri ride is 12 miles so I have some work to do, but I cant help but feel so proud of myself for the hard work I did today. I feel accomplished.

When I got off the bike I did have some mild cramping but no real "endo" type pain which is FABULOUS. Speaking of my womanly issues.... the 20th is my next set of biopsies on my cervix. As it creeps closer I get more nervous about it. Like I've said 1,000 times before NO I don't think I'm going to die from cancer, but just the thought of those little precancerous cells just chillin in there waiting to spread and burst into cancer scares me! I try not to dwell on the scary stuff and try really hard to be positive, but when you have had a few bad tests results it's easy to focus on the scary things. My mom will be coming up on Monday and staying for my Tuesday appointment. At least I think she is coming Monday... Not sure on that yet, but I do know I'm gonna do some shopping with her because it's her spring break and so we wanted to have some girl time (as if having a biopsy of my cervix isn't enough girl time.) I originally told my mom that she didn't have to come because I know what to expect this time and what I really want is to not be alone when they call me with the test results. I swear every time they call I am driving down the freeway at 80mph alone and they tell me bad news and I'm pretty sure I become unsafe on the road! HA! Anyways... She will be there and when all the shopping is done (assuming I feel up to the shopping) Jamie will be there waiting for me to give me a big hug and kiss and just my body pillow and warm blanket and anything else I need.

Oh one last thing... my heart has been giving me issues again. Well I'm not sure if again or if it's been an on going thing that I've just been ignoring. Whatever the case may be it's being problematic. When I run or walk at a high incline and get my heart rate over 160 my heart starts hurting. I usually try to ignore it, but I guess it's time to go back to my Dr and see about going again to the cardiologist. Boo. They just look at me like I'm crazy because I'm too young to have all these problems. Tell my body that not me. I have the body of a 87 year old. If I was a normal 23 year old I would have a husband, a house, a kid, another on the way, and a dog, but I am not normal and that's okay with me. I love my little 'ol life no matter how many curve balls get thrown my way.

I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

As many of you know I'm training for a triathlon with my sister Elizabeth. As I have been training I have my good days and bad. Today was rough. I went for a simple jog around the neighborhood which ended in me hobbling back home.

This month is endometriosis awareness month and I thought it seemed fitting to write a little bit about my accomplishments and set backs with endo. Today was a BIG set back. It hurt not only my body, but also brought down my mind set. I kept telling myself to push through the pain, but how far do you push when you know you could make it all so much worse and end up not even being able to walk the rest of the way home.

Feb 17, 2011 was my surgery where they gave me the diagnosis that I was not expecting at all of endometriosis. I went through all the stages of grief and finally feel like for the most part I am FINALLY able to cope with this disease. Yup that's right. Endo is a disease that effects millions of women all across the world.

It's been a year filled with many tears of pain and many tears of joy.

Last year I ran my first 5k which was a huge deal for me because it was shortly after my surgery and I literally didn't know if I could do it. I proved to myself that I can and that I am so amazing!

Endo has opened doors for new friends across the country. It has been fun to blog and swap stories. I am always amazing at how these women are just so AWESOME! They never give up and WE never stop fighting.

Endo does hurt and has sometimes put a strain on my relationship only because I just can't always function the way I want to it's easy for me to take it out on Jamie. He thankfully is very patient with me and understanding. He always fights for me and along side me.

Sometimes with the pain it sets me back at work because I try and go go go (I do work in an ER and that's how it goes), but the pain often won't allow me to. I often have to sit and take a time out. My coworkers look at me like I'm crazy, but it's been an opportunity to share my story and help educate others about the disease.

What endometriosis is to me... It's a disease that has made it's way into my life whether I like it or not. Doctors do not know how endo first comes about. They do know that endo is very much connected to estrogen in the body and with a women's period and the hormones it causes the endo to "flair" up and grown. I have suffered a lot of pain, but try to cover it up so people don't know because it's down right embarrassing. People are so easy to judge and sometimes it's easier to pretend everything is okay then try and tell someone you have a disease that is "invisible" to the naked eye. Endometriosis scares me because I don't know what will happen when I try and have babies. I don't know how it will impact me trying to have a child, but I do know and believe that it's in God's hands.

So far my journey with endo has been rough, but I'm learning every day and have had a great chance to learn so much more about my body and hormones and how everything triggers off each other. I am so glad to know I'm not alone in this journey.

For those of you out there reading about endometriosis for the first time PLEASE, PLEASE take a minute to read up on this disease that effects so many women around you that you know. Please help me educate others about the impact of this disease. Please think before you judge someone. You may not be able to see the pain or the disease they are struggling with. Please do a little reading and support those that have this disease by learning about it and not being so quick to judge.

I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

Caution: Work In Progress

I am moving forward with my New Years resolutions which are to do this triathlon and to do a fitness show. I have been doing well with my tri training. Except I seem to be pushing myself a little to hard which should come as no surprise to anyone. It's hard to train for an hour and a half to 2 hours and still go to work at night and be a normal human. I seemed to have gotten sick from another small child and I'm trying to take it easy so I don't upset my body again, but it's hard because I know I have a deadline to make.

Monday I started my diet for the fitness show. I hate dieting. It's low carb, no sugar, high protein, low fat and stuff. I have my best friend Randa and Jamie doing it with me. Randa is my person. Seriously it's so nice to have her going through it with me at the same time because she loves to eat sugar just as much as I do and doesn't judge my crazy thoughts. We love to send each other motivating pictures and quotes to keep each other going. It's so different than Jamie. I told him today that dieting sucks and he said it was a bad attitude to have in the beginning. Psh whatever Jamie you have done this diet like 100 times being a body builder and are used to it. I however am not.

Jamie and I are doing the diet in different phases. He is doing the first phase with me which is made up of 5 weeks. He decided that it would be super fun to NOT weigh ourselves for 5 weeks and then at the end of the 5 weeks weigh in and video ourselves. It sounds fun and all but it's also nice to step on the scale every morning and see your progress. I have gotten into the habit of weighing myself that breaking that habit has kind of been hard.

Today I'm really upset that I'm sick again. It's so annoying. Sore throat. Runny nose. Cough. Head ache. It's all so stupid! I want to push through and continue training, but I don't want to be set back again like last time. Am I doing something wrong with my training to get so sick all the time. I'm taking my multivitamin, astixanthin, krill oil, and like 5 other meds each morning just to ensure I stay healthy. Clearly not working! Sigh.

I am applying for nursing schools again. I'm excited and nervous. Hopefully I have all my ducks in a row this time. I'm applying for the college where my parents live. I'm not sure how it will work with my work that I so desperatly don't want to leave. I love my job! I will be commuting back and forth if I do indeed get in. It will be nice because I will get to see my family more and my Roxy dog that I love so much.

As for my endo pain... Well it comes and goes. The other morning as I was leaving for work I had a friend hold my hand the whole way out. For some reason I could not put any weight on my right side because the pain was so horrible. I managed to make it through my car and get home into bed. I was wishing I could just drop where I was, but that wasn't an option. There were things I had to do before I could drop.

I am really excited because this weekend I'm going home to my parents to just relax and do nothing really. It will be so nice to just be home where my mommy can take care of me if I need her too.

Oh Me, Oh My

Today I woke up and was super excited because Rebecca, one of my blogger friends, commented on my previous post. I went to press accept on the comment and my phone had a panic attack and I ended up pressing delete. I could have DIED!!! I freaked out because I loved her comment and I told Jamie who made a joke about me blogging about me deleting it. I told him I was because I'm so upset that I did that.

Basically the comment stated that I should not go on Lupron because for her it did not help. She went on to talk about that she soon will be having surgery on some bad cysts! (scary!) She said that she likes to snowboard too and uses her butt to stop just like my Jamie. She said J (her husband) was an instructor and when I read that all I could think of was man I wish we lived closer so J could teach Jamie! Then she asked about the shirts my sister and I are making for our super cool triathlon.

I seriously can not believe I deleted that comment. If I could kick myself in the head I would have!

My friend Sylvia who is soon to be delivering her baby girl soon text me today sending me her love and courage through all the pain I've been going through. She said she was reading a book and came across some oil treatments that are supposed to help with Endo. I told her to PLEASE send me the information because I would love to try it. What can it hurt??? (no pun intended) I'm super excited to try some of these things out because if it helps me maybe it could help someone else.

I didn't train today because my endo pain is kicking my butt and I needed to relax and take my time with training. Tomorrow hopefully I will wake up in enough time before work to train even a little bit. I do like to train because it's something that makes me feel good about me! It's something I have control over since in my world I don't have control over a lot of things.

Out of Hiding

It's true I've been hiding from the blogging world because my own thoughts were just too mis-mashed to put down on here. I didn't want to write my feelings down in fear of being judged by other people. I don't really want to hear what I'm doing wrong and how I should do this instead of that or whatever.

Over the last week ish that it's been since I've written a lot has happened. Emotionally I am drained. When the endo pain hits it drains me emotionally so everything else going on has just added on top of everything. It's like one big pile of poop! I'm not ready to go into detail about what else has been going on to make me so emotional. I know I need to write it out because it seems to help, but I'm just not ready.

On a lighter note. Jamie and I spent the weekend snowboarding. Well we drove up Sunday and went boarding Monday. It was fun. He had a hard time with it because he doesn't know how to stop so he kept falling. I haven't done it in so many years I was extremely worried about not being able to remember. Surprisingly I not only remembered, but I was better than the previous years!

Tuesday I had a follow up appointment with Dr. G (not my normal GYN) once again he tried to work me up for a problem that I already knew I didn't have. He talked to me about interstitial cystitis which I had already had ruled out if he would ever read my bloody chart!!!! He came down to saying my period pissed off my endo and any possible adhesions that have grown. He said that as long as my pain is under control with my BC that he is good with that. He kept talking to me about lupron and my head was spinning because all I could think of was how much I DO NOT want to be on that. He said that if my pain gets bad I can do another surgery to check stuff out down there or I can go on lupron. I told him right now I don't want to do anything. I can't wait to see my Dr. M next month so I can tell him what has been going on. I'm however not excited for more biopsies, but whatever. I'm pretty convinced that I'm strong enough to handle whatever the outcome is of those biopsies. I'm the least stressed about these ones even though this one is more scary!

I started diligently training for my triathlon. I'm really looking forward to it and I'm really looking forward to going up to Utah in April to see my sister and train with her. We are going to make shirts and look so cute!

Maybe I'll be brave this week and talk about the real big things that are on my mind. Then again maybe I won't.

Ps... Other endo girls... What do YOU think about Lupron?

Monday Madness

I worked all Sunday night and then Monday spent the entire day in the doctor's office. When I called yesterday morning I was a little upset that I didn't get in with my normal gyn Dr. M. I had to see Dr. G that I have never seen before and I was so nervous. I was all alone and did even have the comfort of having my own dang doctor that know everything about me. This Dr didn't even bother to read my chart. He was really nice, but come on you could read the chart!

Needless to say... Everyone was really nice and helpful to get me in. I get there at 10:45 and my appointment was at 11:10 so I just sat curled up in the chair. They finally got me back into the room and I just laid there crying because I was so miserable. The pain just kept coming and coming. He said he didn't feel anything and went over some things he thought it could be. He said that I needed an ultra sound and blood drawn. I came back at 2:30 (I just sat in my car because I live 40 minutes away.) I had my ultrasound and nothing showed.

I thought that I would for sure have a cyst, but sadly no. Nope, Nope, Nope. I was pretty bummed because that means... It's my endo. STUPID FREAKIN ENDO!!!! Dr. G said that he thinks that because of my recent decision to have my period that it flared up the pain. He said that the hormones caused everything to flair up. He also said that there could be another spot of endo or there could be something stuck down there. Or possibly the pain is just so bad and diffused through out that it feels like it's in a new place.

I said a lot of prayers in the last 24 plus hours. The best part... God listened. I really was scared and upset and He heard me. I prayed to get into the Doctor. I did. I prayed that the pain would be tolerable. It is. I prayed that no matter what was found it would be something I could handle. It is. God is great!

I came home and Jamie had just got back from his first big ride on his new motorcycle with his team. He was sad he wasn't able to come with me and knew how alone I felt and how scary it is for me to go alone.   He is an amazing man. AMAZING I tell you! Yesterday I felt his love so strong! He held my hands and said, "Let's pray." Then he muttered the most beautiful prayer on my behalf. He is the only man (besides my dad) that has prayed for me. He really does love me. I am the luckiest girl EVER!!!! I just can't believe he loves me that much. I was crying like a baby because I felt Jamie's love and God's love and it was AMAZING!!!!

This morning Jamie left for work on his motorcycle. He was so excited! It was his first time pulling out of the garage with his new bike and everything. It was a very cool first! He does look good on that bike! He told me yesterday that 2 girls already pulled a "Stephanie" and hit on him when he went to one of the gas stations that we met at. I always knew he was hot!!!!

Today being Valentine's Day I really hope I can have a happy day because I would like to make it through dinner with Jamie with out looking like an idiot in pain. I'm thinking good thoughts and bringing in good juju to myself.

Dear Pain

Dear Pain,

Do you think you can go away? I would really like it if you did. Thanks.

I have been hurting every since right before my period. My cycle wasn't too terrible, but the weeks after have just been like murder. Tonight especially has been rough. I am in so much PAIN! I don't understand. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm nervous. I'm in pain! I called my mom because I am so home sick. Mostly because I am scared out of my bloody mind. I haven't had this much pain since August/September when I went to the ER and shortly after I found out I had the Pre-C. I think I'm so scared because the pain is not my normal endo pain that I am accustom too, but it's that weird pain lower middle that is my cervix... Yup. My cervix the spot where the C word could be growing.

I'm gonna call the doctor in the morning because I'm so nervous, but I'm so scared to go alone. Jamie is on a long ride for work. Today is his first day on his new "baby" aka motorcycle and they are going on a 2 hour ride. I really wish I lived closer to my mommy. Heck I even wish my dog could come with me to the Doctor's appointment because I'm so scared.

I know everyone thinks I'm going crazy and there is realistically nothing that they are going to find at the doctor, but I'm scared. Bad things can happen and this is my body. I live in it not anyone else. I live in the pain. I live through the hurt everyday. I don't like the pain. I'm so emotional right night. I'm in pain and can't understand what is going on with my body. I want it to stop so bad. I want it all to go away.

I am supposed to start my 13 week training program today for my triathlon. I don't know how well that is going to happen. We will have to see if A. I get into the doctor. B. See what he says. and C. See how I feel. I said that nothing was going to stop me, but seriously you don't even know how debilitating this pain can be.

Everyone wish for positive thoughts and prayers to get into the doctor today!

My Motor Officer

It's official! Jamie is now a motor officer with wings to prove it! I am so proud of him!!! I had to crop the picture because I didn't want everyone in the whole world to know his last name especially if they don't like him. The most important part of this picture anyways is the new addition... the wings! 

He has been dreaming about this day for a really long time. He told me last night that he wishes he would have listened to his friend and would have done it 6 years ago, but I'm glad he didn't because we would have never met if that were the case. Right now is the time and God is great! I'm so happy that his dream has come true and he now gets to do what he has been wanting to do for a really REALLY long time. He deserves this more than anyone. He loves to get those DUI's and that's what he is going to be doing. Sadly that means missing out on more holidays than he did before and working a lot of over time and that means going to more funerals because that's what they do. I'm okay with all those things because I know that he has worked so hard to earn those wings and wants to do this. 

Last night we went to dinner and celebrated! I found out a few things about him that I never knew. I thought I knew EVERYTHING about him, but I was wrong. I found out yesterday he doesn't like the color green. I had to laugh because honestly I never knew that. I hardly wear green so I guess that is good. I'm usually wearing my blue scrubs or my pj's on my days off because I'm so exhausted.

This past week I work 5 12 hour shifts because I wanted the OT pay. I'm not exactly sure what in the heck I was thinking. I'm so happy to have days off! Today Jamie and I are driving to my parents house which is about 2.5 hours away to attend a baby blessing for my newest nephew. To be honest I didn't think Jamie would attend because it's at the church and he wants nothing to do with my religion. So for him to make this sacrifice to just attend is like a HUGE, BIG, ENORMOUS deal for me. I can't even believe he is coming. I had asked him to come, but he said no. I finally gave up asking and just went on with life. Friday after his ceremony he told me he was thinking about going to my parents and that he wants to come. When I asked him why he said that I have made a lot of sacrifices for him and that it was a simple sacrifice for him to make. He said, "What would I be doing at home anyways with out you there?" He brought up a good point! 

I'm so proud of Jamie. He is an amazing man and God has given him this opportunity and we are so blessed. I love MY motor officer ♥

Hello Reality

So I have been waiting on the mail man the last few days to bring me my package of birth control. It never came. Why? Oh because I don't take the sugar pills and they don't take that into consideration. So here I am calling my doctors office trying to get a free sample which they don't have. I'll be going to the pharmacy to pay an arm and 5 legs to get coverage.

When I called the doctor's office I also needed to set up my follow up pap exam to look at the Pre-C cells. Before they told me they needed to do more biopsies. My last follow up appointment he had written down just a pap. Today... More biopsies indeed. I don't know why I'm so upset by that. Oh probably because just having a pap means that there is hope that the Dr doesn't think it's so bad. So we are doing the biopsies. Sweet. I think I'm going to cry.

My hormones are royally effed up! Luckily my pain isn't terrible and that's probably because I'm so jacked up from the continuous BC I've been taking. I never want to try this again because it just made me feel bad about myself. It makes me feel guilty knowing that my body is screwed up and I want so badly to be normal, but that's not going to happen for me. It's just not. What's going to even happen when I try and have babies and come off the BC for real. How does that even work? I feel like I'm the one responsible for messing up my hormones.

I feel irresponsible. I should be taking better care of myself. I should have looked online and should have been tracking my BC so this wouldn't happen. None of this should be happening to me. This isn't fair. I'm stuck. I need to sleep but I have to go to the dang store.

Just when things are looking up and I'm hopeful, reality bites me in the butt!

What Was I Thinking

****Warning- This message contains sensitive details and is not for the weak****

Seriously folks, this message is going to be down to the nitty gritty about what is happening with me and I suggest if you are a man you just wait for a post next week to read.

****Last chance to exit*****

What in the devil was I thinking when I decided I wanted to have my period. I know I so desperately want to be normal, but I need to get over that and realize that I have a serious medical problem that is REAL and not just a figment of my imagination. This produces real pain in ways that I do NOT like.

There are so many things that I forgot in the last year with out having my period. I forgot how upset my stomach gets. I forgot how much it hurts to go to the bathroom. I forgot how gross I feel. I forgot just mostly all the pain that comes with this and I haven't even started my stupid period yet. The days leading up are terrible. I'm off the pill so my natural hormones are in control and it's the dumbest thing I have ever done in my whole life I'm pretty sure.

I feel like I am stuck and honestly I'm really kind of upset. I feel like I have to take my birth control to keep my estrogen in check so the endometriosis doesn't grow. However, with taking the birth control continuously over time my chance for cervical cancer go up and let's just face the music on this one...I have been on birth control for many years and I already have precancerous cells and I don't even know if they got them all from my leep procedure. This is just an endless circle and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck in it and I want a way out.

One thing having this dumb period is doing for me is making me realize that the endo is still there and it didn't just magically heal and go away. I wish that it magically went away. I wish that I could use the restroom in peace with out pain. I wish I could do a lot of things with out pain. It makes me realize that maybe it has grown or the doctor didn't see everything that was in there.

I'm sure someone out there is thinking that I'm throwing myself a big pitty party, but the truth of the matter is that I'm not. I'm just being real with what is going on with me. I'm not exaggerating anything that is happening right now so don't get your panties all twisted.

I'm gonna try and go back to sleep. I'll let you all know how the week progresses. I have the day off today so that will give me time to rest and take care of myself. We will see about getting back out there to the gym.