What Was I Thinking

****Warning- This message contains sensitive details and is not for the weak****

Seriously folks, this message is going to be down to the nitty gritty about what is happening with me and I suggest if you are a man you just wait for a post next week to read.

****Last chance to exit*****

What in the devil was I thinking when I decided I wanted to have my period. I know I so desperately want to be normal, but I need to get over that and realize that I have a serious medical problem that is REAL and not just a figment of my imagination. This produces real pain in ways that I do NOT like.

There are so many things that I forgot in the last year with out having my period. I forgot how upset my stomach gets. I forgot how much it hurts to go to the bathroom. I forgot how gross I feel. I forgot just mostly all the pain that comes with this and I haven't even started my stupid period yet. The days leading up are terrible. I'm off the pill so my natural hormones are in control and it's the dumbest thing I have ever done in my whole life I'm pretty sure.

I feel like I am stuck and honestly I'm really kind of upset. I feel like I have to take my birth control to keep my estrogen in check so the endometriosis doesn't grow. However, with taking the birth control continuously over time my chance for cervical cancer go up and let's just face the music on this one...I have been on birth control for many years and I already have precancerous cells and I don't even know if they got them all from my leep procedure. This is just an endless circle and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck in it and I want a way out.

One thing having this dumb period is doing for me is making me realize that the endo is still there and it didn't just magically heal and go away. I wish that it magically went away. I wish that I could use the restroom in peace with out pain. I wish I could do a lot of things with out pain. It makes me realize that maybe it has grown or the doctor didn't see everything that was in there.

I'm sure someone out there is thinking that I'm throwing myself a big pitty party, but the truth of the matter is that I'm not. I'm just being real with what is going on with me. I'm not exaggerating anything that is happening right now so don't get your panties all twisted.

I'm gonna try and go back to sleep. I'll let you all know how the week progresses. I have the day off today so that will give me time to rest and take care of myself. We will see about getting back out there to the gym.