Waiting and Hoping

Although Dr. M told me everything looks good down yonder I still am nervous. However the last time I wasn't nervous at all so it's gonna be different this time... I hope. I swear if I get a freaking call saying that IT is back I'm going to lose it. I'm going to go crazy, but then as the story goes... I will get myself together and keep on fighting. I am so scared. No one gets that. Not a damn person. I struggled with this for months. The wait is killing me. And I know it's going to be probably next week before I know. Please dear God don't let me go through this again. I have so much on my plate right now. I guess if something does come back bad I already know the process. Just PLEASE don't let it come back worse.  I am so scared and alone. Everyone thinks it's just a check up no big deal. It's not JUST a check up. It's THE check up. The one that tells me if my body is responding to the extra TLC I've been trying to give it.

In other news... Tomorrow I have skills testing. Pray for me. Tuesday I have a major test. Pray for me. Wednesday is the head to toe assessment. Keep on praying.

I really am so consumed by this fear that I will lose everything if IT comes back. Please just don't let it come back.

My grandpa who had bladder cancer warned me that every check up would be hard. You will sit there and worry and pray. The best part about me being scared about the ish coming back is... I don't know how I will juggle nursing school. That's basically all I care about. I could careless about losing my hair or even the extreme death. I just don't want to have to quit school. I know that I'm jumping WAY ahead of myself and need to bring it back down, but I just needed to get it out there. I needed to say it.

Okay I'll go to bed now. Praying. A lot of praying.