Next Step

I went to my Gyn today... Dr. M. I LOVE him. I more than love him. He is such an amazing doctor. I mostly like him because I feel like he listens to all my concerns and let's face it... I have a lot. Jamie was so sweet and met me up at the office. He kept me laughing so I wouldn't be nervous. There were a strange mix of people that came through the office. A lot of pregnant people. It's always awkward to be surrounded with pregnant people.

Dr. M came in and we talked about my recent trip to the ER. He seems actually concerned with my pain. He was concerned because I'm taking so much ibuprofen that he doesn't want me to make my body even more sick. He wants to help me at least that's how I feel. He thinks the pain is from a cyst that ruptured. He said the pain will be there possibly up to 10 days because there is fluid and the body has to absorb it all. So it will take time and patience as that happens. He really is pushing for this interstitial cystitis test which will be done on the 16th. He said, "We are searching for a zebra." He wants to rule it out and cover all the bases. (Interstitial cystitis is kind of like having ulcers, but in your bladder) I told him I'm frustrated and I'm almost to my breaking point and he said he wants to get this taken care of before that point. He answered my questions and Jamie's too. I love that Dr. M takes time to answer questions from the people that care about me the most. He has been so sweet to my mom and Jamie. It just makes me so happy.

Although my pain is still pretty rough and it doesn't go away with the meds I'm taking... I'm just glad to know that for the most part I have a plan and we are taking the next step. I know what is going to happen from here. I know that if I have this new disease I will do x, y, and z. I know that if I don't then we will continue to treat the endo and we will work to get the pain under control.

I was talking to Jamie tonight and I was talking to him about if I have this I will be on this new diet and how I'm not to excited and he said yeah I know I saw that. WOW! He took the time to look up the disease and ways to treat it. He took the time to see how to help me and keep me healthy. I cried. I just can't believe that someone would care that much about me to go out of his way to do that. Monday we leave to go on a 4 day cruise. I am SUPER DEE DUPER excited! We deserve this get away. We are both praying for a pain free week and no attacks (and no throwing up on the boat!)

****SIDE NOTE****
Isn't it amazing that EVERYONE knows the smell of popcorn and how the smell can flow all through a building!

What a WASTE

Well yesterday started a day with new pain. I have never felt this pain before and I had been spotting earlier this week. I called the on call Dr. She (of course) told me to go into the ER. I (of course) held out for as long as possible. I took pain medicine and nothing happened. I took some more, still, nothing.

I went in.

Jamie came and picked me up because I wasn't able to drive.

It took over 2.5 hours to see a Provider. I was PISSED!

I don't care how busy you are, you could start orders on me and get me out of pain. When I first got in there I gave them a urine sample and they couldn't even take it by the time the orders came about because it had been sitting there for too LONG!

Once I finally got my IV they pulled out the big guns on me. They used one of the strongest pain meds for me. It's stronger than Morphine... I wish it took one dose and I felt better. Nope. Of course not. By the time I left I had 3 doses and I was still in pain.

They did blood tests, urine, pelvic exam, and an ultra sound. All they found was some free fluid in my pelvis which is possibly from a cyst that ruptured. Of course they had no other answers for me.

I am FURIOUS! I keep wasting time and money in the ER. I never want to see another ER (except the one I work in!) I'm so sick of the pain. I want to be pain free so bad. I'm trying so hard to be but can't find anything that works for me.

By some miracle I got a follow up appointment with MY own GYN. I'll be following up with him before my CRUISE! I can't wait to sail away from here with Jamie ♥

I am done wasting time and MONEY!

Consequences of Losing

Today as I was getting ready to work a day shift at work I put on my clothes and realized that my bra no longer was doing anything. It was hanging off of me like a christmas tree ornament. I'm not really sure how I really feel about this situation. Sure getting into better shape is good, but bras are EXPENSIVE. And let's just be real... I don't have money to buy new ones. I am bitter, but not braless.

Sorry about the absurd post, but I needed to vent. GR!

In Terms of the Heart

Last week I FINALLY was able to follow up with my cardiologist. I got all my results back! Dr. S. said that everything looks good. I had a few times where my heart would race, but it always slowed back down. The highest it got was 167 and then it dropped to 47 when I was waking up or possibly still asleep. My echo (ultrasound of the heart) results were good. There were no signs of a bad murmur or even a murmur at all. He did say that racing heart it completely normal for the most part. He told me that if it is racing for over 5 min and then I should start to be a tad concerned. He gave me some tips to bring it down. If it continues to last then I should go to the ER. I'm sure it won't last and I'm so glad to know that for the most part my heart is FABULOUS and I'm cleared to go and do whatever my heart desires! He was shocked at how AMAZING my cholesterol is. My good cholesterol is really high and he got this strange look on his face when he was dictating about my chart into the computer.

I am looking at the current results and the results from blood work taken last year. My cholesterol has changed for the good and my triglycerides have gone down. I am grateful for the weight that I have lost. No I may not be the skinniest girl in town, but I am healthy. I have the blood work to PROVE IT!

It has come to my recent attention that I can take pain meds for my pain (which I NEVER do), but those don't even work. SWEET!!! I love it. I have a this fabulous heat pack that I warm up in the microwave and it smells good and that has been kind of my comfort blanket recently. Thank you Mom for letting me steal it from you!

Well at least I have some answers for the physical well being of my heart!

Review

Last week I went and talked to my counselor and he told me a few things I thought were comical and good ideas actually. When I get mad I can do some of the following things...
Scream.
Turn up my music LOUD.
Punch a punching bag.
Tear up paper.
Write.
Paint.
Those are the ones I can remember. I like that he said I can turn up my music when I'm mad. I'm trying to work on figuring out my real emotions that come out through anger.

Saturday, after working Friday night, I went to my Great Uncle's funeral. It was really good. I know that seems strange to say, but when I left I was happy inside. It was so good to see all my family. I have this 2nd cousin named Michelle, it was her dad, and I was very excited to see her. I was also happy to see the rest of my family of course. I didn't go to the burial because it was in Pima and I needed to come back home since I had been up for almost 24 hours and I was driving! My uncle Wayne was/is a great man. He leaves behind a big legacy of love. He supported me in my Miss Arizona pageant and was one of my sponsors. I'm so glad that I knew him. I know I will see him again some day and that is great comfort to me.

Monday I went to a luau for FHE and there were hula dancers and a guy who twirled fire. There was a family who sang songs and played the guitar, ukulele, and sang. I was really impressed.

Today I'm back to work. I'm exhausted. We opened our new ER and it has been crazy. We are still getting the hang of everything and we are wishing things were different because it's so LOUD! My stress level is probably an 8 since we moved to the new ER. Oh well. I'll get used to it.

I want to start writing things that I'm thankful for....
Today I am thankful for my beautiful blonde hair. Sure it has a LOT of split ends and needs to be cut DESPERATELY, but I love it. I love the way it's blonde. I love the way it's not to long and not to short. I love the way I can flip it over my shoulder and put it in a pony tail. I love the way I can get out of the shower and go if I need to. I love the way I can rock a braid or whatever. I am thankful for my beautiful blonde hair!

Insignificant

I'm so mad I'm crying from anger!!!!!!!!

My life is stuck in this constant circle and I'm so frustrated.

One doctor needs approval from the other doctor. Well I can't get approval if the doctor changes my appointment. They gave me 2 option times of when I could switch it to. The times were 12:50 and 1:15. SERIOUSLY! That may as well be the same time! I have another doctor appointment at 1 so that's not going to work.

I can't legally get put back on birth control if I don't go to the cardiologist. I called them to send a note over to the gyn, but Heaven FORBID anything go smoothly for me! I know that I am still on my birth control, but I'm almost done with this pack and I was hoping to switch just in case it is causing the palpitations. Well I can't switch because I am not released. I called to have them write me a note, but apparently it's not that easy. Oh and the person on the phone let me know my problem was insignificant. LISTEN LADY!!!! This is actually a HUGE issue!

I would like to crawl under a rock currently.

I am pretty sure this post makes no sense because I'm so mad I can't see straight! So much for sleeping....

Frustration

I was at Jamie's this evening laying down before the gym. I got up to go use the restroom and the pain it. It was that 10 on 10 pain that I started feeling about a year ago. I quickly crawled back into the fetal position and cried. Jamie helped me get some ibuprofen and a granola bar in hopes to calm my pain. So much for going to the gym...

I have had pain since my surgery, but nothing like this. I was angry because the pain is full blown back in gear apparently. The other night I was also in pain, but was able to just curl into a ball, cry, and go to sleep.  I can't even imagine how bad my pain would be right now if I did follow my Dr's orders and go off birth control until I see my cardiologist. May pain has been between a 4 and 6 ever since the major pain earlier. I'm sore. I'm achey. I'm tired.

I am so frustrated!

I'm supposed to have my cardiologist appointment today, but they called yesterday afternoon saying they needed to reschedule. I didn't get their message until after 6 so I wasn't able to call them back. I'm glad they felt like they could just call the day before trying to change things when I've had this appointment for weeks. I have scheduled other appointments around them. Do they realize they are not the only ones!!!!

I am so annoyed!

My great uncle died Monday after losing his fight to cancer. My mom told me my grandma said he was at peace when he died and went out fighting. I HATE CANCER! I hate it!!!! Cancer has taken so many people in my life! Why can't cancer just kill it's self! Now that would be fabulous! I will be going to the funeral to pay tribute and see my family.

I am so angry!

I should know by now not to take the little things in life for granted. A pain free day, a kiss, a hug, and so much more.

Fabulous!

I had a fabulous weekend! It was filled with friends, family and a lot of love!

Friday night my friend Meg had a birthday party. It was a blast! Jamie and I enjoyed spending time in the pool and talking to everyone. The cupcakes were delicious! I ate 3 of them and seriously considered eating more!

Saturday morning I met of with my 2 sisters, my mom, and my 2 oldest nieces and 1 nephew to go shopping. We walked a lot and it was hot every time we had to go to and from the car. It was fun to spend time with them and enjoy school clothes shopping. I love my fabulous family! I was telling my mom that I was sad because my new room doesn't feel like home so she helped me buy a few things to make my room a little happier!

After I went home and took a little nap Jamie decided that he wanted to take me out. Jamie decided to take me to a place to to country dance. I was a little shocked that he would want to go to a country place since he doesn't really like country music. We didn't really dance because everyone was 2 stepping and swing dancing, but Jamie doesn't know how to do that and I'm not the best teacher. I can dance if I have a good partner so I will have to teach Jamie so we can go back and dance. I got to put on my cowgirl boots and it was a blast!!! I was singing so loud to all the songs and I asked Jamie if he even know this side of me. He said he knew, but just had never seen it before. We laughed a lot and I was so happy!

Sunday morning was church in a new branch. It's interesting to say the least. Later, Erica, another friend, had her birthday dinner so I went to that. It's always fun to meet up with friends and laugh.

Laughter is the best medicine!

Meet My BEST Friend

This is Jamie...

He has been apart of my life since November 19th 2009. We met late one night at a Quick Trip gas station because I knew there were cops there and I wanted to know if any of them were hot. Lucky for me there was one that was a real sexy piece of man! I, of course, immediately got my flirt on with him and batted my pretty little eyes. I then walked out and decided, at that moment, I needed to throw out trash from my car (because I was trying to stall for him to walk out!) He walked out and then I continued to flirt with him. Through conversation he figured out my name and found me later on Facebook! Late that night we were FB friends and were exchanging messages. The next night he sent me his number and I immediately text him. We met up later for our first date at the Ihop, he was at work and just happened to be hungry, so he invited me to tag along. The following night we had our first REAL date and went to Outback. From day one we were inseparable ♥

Our first picture

Jamie has been my best friend for the past year and a half and has been there through a lot of rough times. He was there when I didn't have a job and when I got my job now! He was there when I first had the crippling pain and we sat up together wondering what in the devil was that!!!! He was there to take me to the gym and get me excited about being healthy. He has helped me move twice. He is there every time I cry, which is A LOT!!!! (Seriously, I don't know anyone that cries more than me! I keep crying writing this. I have issues!!!) He was there when I went to school and dropped out of classes and retook some. He was there to take me to Sea World, Universal Studios, and Six Flags all for the first time!

 He was there, after working a night shift, waiting with me before surgery (and he had to work again that night!) He was there when I got home from my parents and had random cravings in the middle of the night, he fed me. He was there to take me to California again to give my pain and worries over to the Lord and let them go with the waves of the ocean.

 He is there to push me towards my goals. He is there to hold my hand through the pain. He has picked me up off the ground and put me on the couch, chair, or bed so many times I have lost count.  He has been my main squeeze. He has been my pillow, blanket, hand and foot warmer (which he really dislikes my cold hands and feet! He once bought me pink fuzzy socks so I would stop putting my cold toes on him!) He is the one that makes me laugh no matter WHAT! He has been there every step of the way. He was there when I was to scared to go to the cardiologist by myself. He was there to help me stay positive in a whirlwind of bad. He gives me strength to fight for answers.

When Jamie and I first started dating we were open and honest with each other and knew each others goals, wants, wishes, and dreams. We knew that we wanted to be together and it was going to be a BLAST!!!! (which it has been!) We also knew that at some point there would be a fork in the road, but yet we can't ever seem to part ways.

I've had MANY people question me, "Why don't you just get over it?" "Just move on." "He doesn't want the same things as you so this should be easy." "You are just wasting your time."

It is not simple task for me to walk away from the man that has loved me through all my flaws. He has been there through the HARDEST time in my life. He loves me even though I'm "broken," and scarred. He has been the BEST "waste of time" in my entire life. (and no I don't consider him a waste of time, I was just being facetious.) He loves me for me!

I do understand that this may seem completely ridiculous to some, but for me this is very real. How do you convince yourself to leave an AMAZING person to risk a shot with someone else. Let's be real... Who wants to date a "broken" girl? Who wants to deal with some silly little girl that on occasion falls and can't get up? Who is going to be strong enough to pick me back up off the ground? Who wants to put up with strange diets, behaviors, and much much more? This guy does...

Yes, mostly I'm scared to leave him for something unknown. Yes, in my mind there are a lot of what if's like........ What if I do get married to some guy that wants a big family and then I can't even have a single child? What if he resents me because I can't give him a family? What if he decides I'm no longer good enough? Okay, Okay, I realize this sounds completely outrageous, but this is real life for me.

I am just being real with my feelings right now. I'm just letting everyone out there know about my true feelings. I want people, including Jamie and myself, to know how challenging this is. I love Jamie and there is not a switch to just turn that off. I never thought from the first time I met him that we would have made it this far, but we have and it has been an amazing journey. I am so thankful for his love and dedication to me. He has been a blessing in my life in so many ways and it's hard to imagine not spending the rest of my life with him.

We have gone through so much together and we are stuck like glue.

The Weekend is Over

Here I am at working eating the most fattening thing in the history of man. I'm grossed out that I'm eating this to be honest. I mean it's Tatar tots and chicken strips. Maybe it's the fact that is was deep fried in a big huge thing of OIL! I'm grossed out and yet keep eating! (Just if you all wanted to know!)

My two days off of work were nice. Jamie and I went and saw Captain America. I was surprised by it. I liked it more than I thought I would. I wanted to go to the movies just so I could eat the popcorn. Jamie was talking about popcorn and how much it was and discussing if I really wanted to pay that much for popcorn. Me being the emotional WRECK that I am turned it into... You're fat and shouldn't eat popcorn. However none of that was ever even remotely said. I cried because I thought I was fat. Then we went to the movies and I ate popcorn! Jamie reassured me that he loves me and I'm not anywhere near fat and how he never once called me fat and that conversation had nothing to do with anything fat. HA!

I went back to the gym. I couldn't have been happier about going back. I was nervous, but I just decided to go for it! I told Jamie it was a good thing he was there because if I went down he would know all my medical history. It was so fabulous working out my legs again. Because of pt I have been having pains in one of the back of my legs. NOW I have pain in both my legs and cheeks, but it is a good burn. I did these amazing lunges with kicks and I could barely walk after. The kick was the real KICKER! (haha!) I also did a lot of step ups and squats and some other fun things. Every time my heart would get over 120 I would get really bad pain in my chest. I almost passed out, but I was happy to be there. It made me feel in control again of my body. It made me feel healthy.

This week I have a lot of stuff, but most of it is good stuff.... Massage, Hawaiian pool party for my friend Meg, and pt. I'm excited for the pool party because Meg is such a great person! I'm excited to celebrate with her for her birthday. Jamie is excited too because he really thinks and talks highly of her. She has been a great support to me and secretly follows my blog when she gets bored. She is a great coworker and a super-fabulous friend!

My goal for this week is to go back to the gym at least one more time. OOOOHHHH and my sisters and my mom are coming to go school clothes shopping. My 2 oldest nieces are coming. I'm rather excited about all this. We are going to lunch and Jamie will get to meet my sister Elizabeth for the first time. I'm so excited to have a girls shopping trip. Family is a blessing! ♥