Bla

Last night I didn't get much sleep because I was so nervous and stressed about today's biopsies.

My mom came and picked me up at 7:30 and we made the 30 plus minute drive to Dr M who is the Dr I've been working with for over a year now. We had to wait about 15 min to get back which I was prepared to do. I had to do a pregnancy test and it was negative of course.

Dr. M came in and was super peppy as always and I was sort of just bla because well this was not a happy thing to be at the GYN for. He said they were just going to do a normal pap and then take a look under the microscope thing and see if there were any bad cells. If there were he would take a biopsy of them, but he didn't seem to thing he would find anything. He had to use vinegar on my cervix to check for the bad spots and that kind of stung. He said that everything was looking great and he could hardly even tell I had the LEEP done. He was being super optimistic. He took a look under the scope and found a new spot. Yup you read that right. A NEW SPOT! The spots before were located at 3 and 9ish if you were looking at a clock. This new spot was found around the 10 position. He took a biopsy of it and continued to be very VERY positive that this would not be anything that it would come back fine, but we just needed to make sure and la dee dah. I finally had to say but what if it doesn't. I needed him to be honest about what the next step was just in case that's what I need to do. He said that if it's grade 1 we do nothing because my body should take care if it (HA what does he think my body is a magic cancer fighter?) Grade 2 another Leep. Grade 3 a cold knife procedure that will require me to go to the hospital and be put to sleep because they just don't have those things available in the office.

While I do enjoy everyone's optimism it's so hard for me to be super positive at this point. I am so ready for this to be done and over with. I'm so sick of seeing the Dr for less than happy appointments. I really just wanted him to be real with what is going on. He even said something along the lines of betting a dollar that this would come back clean and he would see me in 6 months. You better believe if I see him before that I will be collecting my dollar!

I feel so bla and just empty really. Honestly my emotions are just filled with anger. I am still holding out a bit of hope, not much, but some. Maybe the size of  this . <- I just hate to get my hopes up anymore than that really. Hopefully I will know the results later this week or early next week. Don't worry I'll let ya'll know when I do.