Christmas and More!

I arrived home Wednesday evening to my parents house to begin Christmas. My nephew Josiah decided that he wanted to have a sleep over at my parents house so he was there enjoying time with my parents. They had made snowman pancakes and so I had one too. I had so much fun spending time with Josiah. I got to read to him bedtime stories. We sang together and even said prayers together. When I put him to bed I crawled into the bed and even fell asleep with him for a bit. The next morning he wanted snowman pancakes again. I even put chocolate chips for the eyes, nose, mouth, and buttons. They were also covered in snow, or powdered sugar for those lame people that don't know what snow is!

Christmas Eve was filled with so much love and memories. Jamie came down to spend Christmas with me for the first time since we started dating over 2 years ago. When he arrived my family was gathered making enchiladas in the dutch oven. After we ate dinner we had our family Nativity. Let me add here that I have NEVER invited anyone to my family Christmas nativity. Jamie had never done anything like this before and was still willing to be a wise man. I played an angel with my 2 oldest nieces and had fun. My mom then read us a story about believing in Santa and how Santa is like Jesus. We ate cobbler for dessert! YUMMM!!!

Later Jamie and I got to play Santa's helpers as we put together a red wagon for my parents. Then we had to walk up to my sister's house because we needed to deliver a special present to my parents. Us siblings chipped in and made my parents a picnic table. We put our hand prints on it with our names. I had put my hands in the shape of a heart because Family= LOVE! Elizabeth (my sister), Andrew (my brother in law), Shane (my other brother in law), Jamie and I all helped to move the picnic table into my parents front yard. We had to be very quiet and the dogs were going crazy! How we never got caught I don't actually know!

Christmas morning was my parents, Jamie and I. We shared gifts, laughed, oh'ed and awed over presents and then ate HOMEMADE cinnamon rolls. Jamie got my sweats, a sweater, and a gift card all from V.S. He also got me a new toothbrush! My parents got me the angel that now completes my own nativity set that my mom got me for my birthday and Christmas. I also got a lace skirt from my parents and a picture that is a quote about being a princess from my dad. My brother got my a waffle maker.

All the gifts were good, but the best gift that I got this Christmas was... Spending time with almost everyone I love in one place at one time. I cried (because I'm a baby) to have everyone together because it's been such an emotional year that having everyone together is just what I needed to end the year off right.

Jamie had to leave earlier than expected because his daughter was sick so she was dropped back off at his house. He didn't want her to be alone on Christmas so he hurried home. I cried for a long, long time when he left. I was pissed. I was really upset, but that's a whole different story.... He felt really bad for having to leave, but he needed to be there for his daughter.

Later during family dinner my sisters went on and on about how amazing his and what I great guy I have. DUH PEOPLE!!!! I've been trying to tell you that for like 2 years now!

Monday I had lunch with my best friend from high school! It was so much fun to just talk like old times and just be around someone my age that totally gets me and laughs about all the same stupid stuff that I do. We gossiped like any girl would do and laughed so loud people were probably annoyed.

Tuesday afternoon when it was time for me to go home my grandpa brought over a late birthday present which was a frame for a painting I had made a few years back. The frame was PERFECT for the painting and I can not wait to hang it up! As I came to my sister's house to tell her goodbye Josiah crawled up on my lap and took a blanket and cuddled with me. I love him! Sadly they are moving to Utah this coming week and I am really sad although I have already promised them that I am coming and will be making a snowman with them as requested by Avery and Josiah!

I loved being home! I seriously have so much more appreciation for the small things in my life now. I guess a cancer scare can do that too you. Yup I just used the "c" word!!! I am so ready for this all to be a thing of the past, but until then I will continue to push through all this and become the best I can.

Thank you to God for an amazing Christmas in the arms of the ones I love!

Word.

Today I went to my normal doctor to talk to him about my results. He said that the biopsies showed CIN 2 and CIN 3. To save me from repeating myself please read this to help you remember.

Here are my worries and concerns...

So in the 2 months it took to do the leep did the cells grow?

Or maybe they just didn't get a big enough piece to see a big picture of what was going on the first time?

If there are cells left over what is going to happen?

What if they grow fast?

I realize they are monitoring me very very closely, but still it's SCARY business.

On a positive note... My doctor is EPIC!!!! Right before my Leep procedure he was in Nepal with a bunch of other medical people teaching the doctors there how to do simple procedures and surgeries. What an awesome doctor! Seriously! This guy does these trips once a year to different countries. This amazing person is working on MY case to keep my healthy! I am blessed! GOD IS GOOD!

Another positive thing... I am done with my Christmas shopping. I am VERY excited to have Jamie coming home for Christmas with me. He is in for a BIG treat. He has no idea what goes down in my family when it comes to Christmas. This year I have a full dozen neices and nephews and it's going to be crazy fun! He claims to not like big families, but seems to love my family! Good news... My family is VERY excited to have him come. I went out and bought him stuff so he could have gifts to unwrap. I love him! This will be a Christmas to remember FOREVER!

Vacation

I'm back from vacation!

I had a lot of fun and made some cool memories! I went to places I had never gone to the last time. We went to North Shore and saw HUGE waves. We went to the West side and watched the sun set. We hiked to a water fall. We hiked to the top of a volcano. We went paddle boarding on the East coast. We went snorkeling. I had so much fun.

One night I walked down to the beach and called Jamie. It was so weird to not have him there with me. I missed him like CRAZY! On my birthday he arranged to have flowers sent to my room. What an amazing boyfriend I have.

There is so much I want to say right now, but don't have the words to say what I want too.

Jamie is coming home with me for Christmas. I could not be more excited.

I will be going to meet his mother for the first time in January and am nervous and excited.

Ugh.

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. SERIOUSLY!

I have so much on my mind. It's a crazy place in there.

Anyways. I'm back. I had fun. I'm happy to be back though. I'm even more excited to be home for Christmas. We are even having family pictures taken before Christmas. I better pick out something cute to wear! We are gonna wear blue and yellow. I love my family. I wonder if they will let Roxy be in the pictures <3

I have laundry to do. Maybe I will get my crazy mind sorted out and I'll let you know what's going on in there!

Eh...

Yesterday the doctor's office called with my results. The previous few nights I had been sleeping terribly and so I ended up waking up earlier on Monday than I had expected. I saw that I had a message from the doctor's office and my heart started to race and my hands became shaky.

I called them back.

"The margins are positive. However the endocervical canal is negative so that is good. The doctor would like to see you in March for another colposcopy, but we don't have the schedule that far so can you call back in January?" "Oh you have an appointment in January well you can make the appointment then."

*click*

Wait. What just happened. She sounded happy on the phone. But is this good or bad. I don't even know what to think.

*Breathe*

Okay so the margins are positive... that means that there are still bad cells left in there. They are high grade dysplasia and can grow faster than low grade dysplasia.

However... when they took out the bad cell pieces they burnt the area to make it stop bleeding. They are hoping that when they burnt the areas that the bad cells died. There is no way to check that until March when they redo the biopsies. They have to wait until then because my business needs time to heal. Also if they do it to soon it could result in a false positive or false negative.

The endocervical canal is negative. That is GOOD! That means the bad cells have not started growing up into my uterus.

I made the rounds calling and texting people to let them know.

Jamie and I went and got my emissions tested and oil changed. Then we attempted to go play tennis however in this HUGE city I live in there is no where with lights to play that you don't have to pay for. I was devastated. We decided to put up the tree.

There was one more person I needed to call and that was my dad. When I called I let him know and he just kept saying how sorry he was that I have to go through this. I was choking back the tears, but it's my daddy and all my walls broke down. I told him how disappointed I was. How scared and devastated I am. I could hear him getting choked up and quickly changed the subject to I was coming home for Christmas. I told him he could call my grandparents and let them know or I would tell them when I came down for Christmas. He said he would be calling them right now. I got off the phone and cried.

Yeah what I'm going through sucks. Just flat out sucks. I was so ready to move on. To never worry about this again. To move forward and passed all this. But here I am, pushing through the tears, building up a wall so know one knows and praying for strength to keep pushing.

We put up the Christmas tree. I cried a lot. Sara put up most of the decorations. Jamie's house looks like a Christmas explosion.

I must say that I really would rather go home and be with my family this week then go to Hawaii. I really just want to be with the ones I love and hold them close.

No I'm not flipping DYING, but it's still not easy news or an easy thing to do alone. Thank goodness I'm not alone and have a lot of people who are cheering me on!

Heaven's Touch

This morning I went over to Jamie's house after work. I walked in and noticed first thing that there was candles lit. As I continued to walk in there was Christmas music playing. Jamie came peeking around the corner and I gave him a HUGE hug! While in the embrace he began to dance with me.

As we were dancing my favorite Christmas song came on and I began to cry. I was crying because this was the sweetest thing EVER and no one had ever done anything like this before. I also started crying because all my walls were breaking down and I had to acknowledge all my fears that I have been hiding about my sickness.

I was listening to the words of this song I started crying harder...

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy

Breath of Heaven

("Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant)

This song became my own person prayer. I was crying and singing all at the same time and it was a hot mess! Jamie just held me in a tight embrace until I gained my composer back and the next song came on where he sang to me and we laughed together.

What a special moment we shared together. It was a simple thing he did that made my day so much better. I must say I do love him.

As for my "prayer" to heaven, I really felt strengthened after breaking down those walls and admitting that I'm struggling. It was a moment where I realized Mary, although chosen for this large task, was scared, worried, alone, weak and struggling. If the mother of my Savior can have moments of weakness then I believe it is okay for me to have those moments too. She was a real women and had feelings just like me. Obviously our situations are a lot-a bit different, but she felt those feelings and that is a great strength to me.

That moment gave me a little glimpe of Heaven's touch on my life.

Taking it Easy

Yesterday was THE day. I had my LEEP. I'm so glad I chose to be put to sleep during the procedure because there was just no way I could handle being awake for that.

When I was waking up from the procedure I of course started to cry. For some reason that is my reaction to the medicine that puts me to sleep. They tried to stand me up, but I almost fell. So then I had to get myself together so I could stand up and walk into the next room. My mom was in the next room waiting for me. I was still pretty out of it trying to talk to my mom and ask her what time it was. I was glad it was over and soon was hungry.

After my mom took me to Dairy Queen to get a cheeseburger and ice cream OF COURSE!!!! We then came to my house and just hung out.

Jamie came over later to check on me to make sure I was doing well. He is so sweet. He gave me the biggest hug ever and just was so happy to see me.

This morning I woke up earlier than normal, probably because my sleep schedule is messed up, but Jamie also came over this morning to see how I was before he headed off to bed.

Later today my mom and I are planning on going shopping for Christmas presents.

I'm feeling really good. I'm cramping and spotting, but I've been through a lot and I can totally handle this! I'm really trying to take it easy and keep myself from doing anything too crazy.

Although... In a little over a week I will be headed off to Hawaii for a lot of fun!!!!

Giving Thanks

Today was a great day. I spent Wednesday night working so I knew my time would be limited on Thursday before I had to return again to work. Wednesday evening my brother that is just older than me text me and asked if I would be coming to play football for the annual family football game. I explained to him no that I would be working and so I wouldn't be able to come. He then asked where I would be eating turkey at. I told him that I had no plans because I was working and Jamie doesn't really do anything special for Thanksgiving. He told me that they would be coming to his in laws house and invited me to come eat at their house for dinner. I was thrilled!

I know my brother and I aren't that close, I could tell you thousands of stories about that, but he really cares about me and it's really the little things like this that matter in life ♥

After I ate I got to hold their baby and bounce her to sleep. Another moment that matters most in life ♥

I called my mom and we talked for the longest time about nonsense really. She cracks me up! A moment that matter most ♥

I went to Jamie's before work. Jamie and Sara were sitting in the living room watching a movie. I laid down my head on his lap and just took in the moment. It was a beautiful moment ♥

Now I'm at work surrounded by my work family and just having a good night. Yeah sure we are busy, but we are managing to make it a good night regardless of the patients that keep coming in.

Thanksgiving turned out nothing like I expected in my mind, but that just goes to show that our plans aren't always the ones that matter most.

Mostly today I'm thankful to be alive. I thankful for the body that I have and that I get to live here, now and I get to see all these little moments in life that mean the most to me. I'm thankful to have a body to rock these trials with class and elegance. Being alive is pretty much AWESOME!

EPIC!!!

Saturday morning when I got off work I was getting gas and realized I missed a call. It was my older brother Ren. I checked my vm and he asked if I wanted to go to the ASU vs UA football game. I immediately called him back and went CRAZY!!!! Of course I wanted to go, but I had to work. I told him I would try to find someone to cover for me and I would let him know.

I frantically called my work to get numbers of people that could cover a few hours for me so I could at least go to half of the game if not all. I text everyone and their brother to see if they would work. Just as I was getting into bed a girl text back and said she would work for me until 11. That gave me a few hours to be at the game.

I honestly was so excited I couldn't even sleep. I have never been to an ASU game before. I have never even been to a real stadium to watch football before. This was going to be AWESOME!!!!!

I met my brother and we went to the game. We had great seats in the bottom section near the 50 yard line. We were close to the student section so we didn't look stupid cheering. We stood most of the game because it was so exciting and fun. There was a guy behind me who kept saying the strangest things. At one point I threw my hands in the air and I hit him. I turned around and apologized. He told me it was okay because I was a sun devil fan and I could do anything I want.

After the first quarter an older gentleman and his wife came in. They sat below us to the left. The old man was cursing and screaming at the team. I was laughing so hard. Then he was convinced there was a riot when he first walked in.

There were these younger boys standing in from of me. One was so short he couldn't see over all the people standing up. I felt so bad for him and was very concerned about the fact that he couldn't see. At some point he decided to stand on the bleacher so he could see. That was smart!

We stayed and watched half time and most of the 3rd quarter. It was so awesome to be there! I wish we could have stayed the whole time, but I have to make money somehow. After we left we ran to the car and listened to the rest on the radio on the way back to work. Sadly in the end ASU lost. MAJOR BUMMER!!!!

The good news... I crossed something off my bucket list! <3

EPIC NIGHT!

PS I'll post pictures as soon as I get them from my brother.

A Note

Having the last 6 days off have been great I must say. I did have to go into work one morning to "update" my skills, but that was no biggee.

I have been sick 5 out of 6 days. Why do I work with a bunch of sick kids who sneeze, cough, hold my hand, and hug me. Oh because they are so DARN cute! I love those kids. Although they will probably never remember me again it's nice to be around those loving kids.

Today is kind of a bad day. *graphic details ahead* So as it goes women switch every month from which side the ovulate from and so on and so forth. When it comes to my right side it is brutal! Then when I'm supposed to have my period it is another round of uncomfortable pain and such. Last time i ended up in the ER from so much pain. Since I'm currently not able to move very well I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Notebook" which I will probably end up crying by the end. What I don't understand is why I can still be in so much pain, but I don't have periods because I'm on continuous birth control. I don't get it! I honestly have not had a period since my surgery because I am too scared to find out what will happen if I do.

I spent my days off working out at the gym which was a nice time. I really do like to go to the gym and burn off some of those extra calories. It makes me feel good about myself. Like I'm in control and I am doing something for me. I am always searching to be in control which lately I'm not in control of much.

I also spent hours upon hours cleaning. Jamie's house to be exact. I think it's all the medicine went to my head and made me a little crazy. I seriously deep cleaned 2 bathrooms and the kitchen.

What I seriously want right now is some cookie dough ice cream. If that could magically appear in my hand right now, THAT would be GREAT. I keep trying to tell Jamie to bring me some... He keeps saying he is looking for bad guys. PSH! like THAT is important or something!

Trying to Find the Blessing

Trying to find a blessing in a trial, or in my case it feels like multiple trials, is like trying to find that last Easter egg that no one can remember where it's hidden, but we just know it's out there somewhere.

I know that there are blessings out there, but it's hard to locate them.

I had planned to turn in my nursing paper work for today, November 14. Last week when I was going through my last checks on my paperwork, I realized I was a week behind and that the paperwork was actually due in the morning. I happened to be at work and was extremely stressed about the fact that I still had an entrance exam to take which need to be done after work and I had to be back later that night for another shift. I went home, showered, and took my 3 hour long test. I totally aced it!!! I was so excited because now I was on my way to FREEDOM! I had to speak with a nursing counselor type person to make sure all my paperwork was in check. As she was going through it she informed me I had the wrong fingerprint card so I would not be allowed to turn in my paper work at that time. I swallowed hard. Said, "What do I need to do?" She explained I would need to be re fingerprinted and get a new card and it would be 65 dollars. I choked on my pride and maybe a few tears and simply replied, "Thank you." She was shocked. She said, "You are taking it quite well, I've seen many tears in that chair." I said, "It's all in God's hands." She muttered something that I don't remember and I left. I got in my car and drove home. I was completely deflated. My dreams had once again escaped my reach and I was left in the same place, doing the same things, with not even a glimmer of hope. I had been texting my mom all day updating her on the status. She was bummed out and said something along the lines of it's going to be okay and something good will happen.

Okay let's have a get real moment right now... Every single time this year I have gotten my hopes up about something good happening or it not being as bad as it seems, it ALWAYS comes back to bite me right in that big place called my BUM-BUM!!!!!! I was really hoping and praying that January would be the start of something new and fresh. That I would be doing something and moving forward.

Every time this year I have had something bad happen and I have hoped for something good it's been bad...

February 2011- I think I'm having surgery to have scar tissue removed. Nope. I have endometriosis.

July 2011- I think I'm having anxiety. Nope. I have a heart murmur and an arrhythmia.

September 2011- I think I have pain from a cyst. Jamie says I haven't had a pap in awhile. I think everything will be fine. Abnormal pap.

October 2011- I think the bad pap is just nothing big. Wrong. Precancer.

I can list at least 5 people just off the top of my head who have had this cervical crap and have ended up fine, but forgive me for being worried about my fate. Some may say so what you're just at a 2 you will be fine. Well how am I too be sure of that. The other cells died before they could do the biopsy. Is that good or bad? I don't even know. I'm having this serious procedure done that is used to get rid of cancer. Yes, I'm not the only one to ever go through this, but it's been a crazy year health wise and honestly I don't know what to expect anymore. I'm trying to stay positive and pray that it hasn't spread, but then something happens like I start spotting and completely lose my marbles all over again. (Abnormal spotting is never a good sign when it comes to cervical cancer.)

To be honest I wonder if I didn't get into the nursing program because something bad is going to happen. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's hard to be positive and happy all the time. I'm looking for the blessing that is hiding somewhere through out all this.

My dad told me that there is obviously something I need to learn and my family as well needs to learn from all of this.

I wish I could say I'm so sick of learning, but I'm not. I haven't given up. Nor will I ever. I am a survivor, a fighter (maybe a scrapper), and STUBBORN!

One blessing that happened today to remind me that God is GREAT... Jamie has been trying for over a year to get to be a motor officer. After being passed over multiple times for bogus reasons, he had almost given up on his dream. Today we got the call that they chose him to join the motor officer team. I could not be more proud of him. He of course is more nervous than ever, but I know that he will pass motor school and be AMAZING at it. I jumped around like a 5 year old on Christmas once I realized what was going on. I would have screamed, but he was on the phone and we were at the gym. Although I'm nervous about him being out there on a motorcycle all the time, I'm so excited and proud. I know that it was all in God's good time. I even told him this last time he went to his interview that if he didn't get the job it was God's way of saying he has other plans for you. I can't believe that it happened and he will be living out his dreams. He truly deserves it and I'm grateful to God that He allowed Jamie to have this opportunity.

I don't know what God has in store for me, but I sure hope it's great. I know the blessings will come in His good time. I will keep searching each day for the smallest of blessings to help remind me that I am alive and blessed.

God Gave Me You

When I first heard this song I immediately thought of Jamie. He has been such a strength to me in my MANY hours of weakness. He has been there through so many tears and heart ache. I know that God gave me Jamie to be strength and to be my rock. He has been the strong one and has worked really hard to keep me positive. 

I realized this song applies to a lot more people than just Jamie.

My parentals have been sent to me for SOOOO many reasons! My mom has been to so many doctors appointments and spent so many hours in the car just to spend maybe 2 hours with me. She has literally held my hand through so many scary appointments. I honestly don't know what I would do with out her in my life. She sends me sweet treats just to let me know that she is thinking about me and that she loves me. My Dad has been there to ask me all the hard questions. He knows me so well and knows when I'm hiding my true feelings. He has been there for me to have serious chats with and to laugh with. He lets me know I'm his princess and no matter what happens he will be there for me. 

My sisters have been there for me to talk to at various times during the day. I can text my oldest sister any time during the day and she just chats with me and keeps me sane. My other sister is there to chat with and give me her perspective as an ob nurse. She has had so many good insights and has kept me from doing anything drastic with my health.

My grandparents have been so kind to me. I sat down with them and they were so worried about me. I could see how much they care for me. My grandparents shared so many positive stories and how much they love me. I'm so blessed to have them praying for me and caring so much about me.

There has been so many others in my life that have meant a lot to me. My long time best friend Randa. She makes me laugh no matter what is going on in my life! Emily who just randomly sends me cute messages so I know I'm loved and she is thinking of me. There are so many other people I can't even name them all. For all of you have leant a helping hand and extended out arms to hug me (even from a far distance) I will forever be thankful.

I know with out a doubt that God puts people in our life for a reason. It is up to us to figure out that reason. Sometimes we are to learn and grow from them. Sometimes we are to let them help us even though we are too stubborn sometimes to except it. 

This has been the HARDEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!! AND.... it's not over yet.

Thank you all for your love and support through this!

PS. You can find the original, beautiful video here.

A Bit of Good News

Friday I went my regular doctor. He got all my records from my GYN and so we were able to go over my biopsies. I'm so lucky to be in the care of some amazing doctors who really take the time to talk to me.

Lab results showed... High grade squamous intraepithelial lesion, cervical intraepithelial neoplasia level 2.  Now let me explain what all this nonsense means. When a women gets a pap there are cells that they look at. Dysplasia is the term used when the cells are abnormal. So the levels are this...

*Normal pap
*ASCUS- Atypical cells of undermined significance- the most common abnormality. Usually caused by an infection but return to normal.
*LGSIL- Low grade squamous intraepithelial lesion- body takes care of abnormal cells usually within less than 2 years. These are early changes in the cell's shape and size.
*HGSIL-High grade squamous intraepithelial lesion- very different from the normal cells. Precancerous, more likely to lead to cervical cancer.
Under HGSIL comes 3 sub-levels. These levels are called CIN. CIN- Cervical intraepithelial neoplasia dysplasia seen on biopsies.
-CIN 1- mild dysplasia- The body can still take care of this stage, but has to be monitored closely.
-CIN 2- Moderate to marked dysplasia-
-CIN 3- severe dysplasia to carcinoma-
Both CIN 2 and CIN 3 are considered closely the same. The bad cells must be taken out.
*Cancer

I hope this makes some sense. It makes sense to me now.

I got the pass to go to nursing school!!!! That is probably the most scary and exciting thing that I'm doing for myself right now. I can't believe that I'm going to do this. I sure hope I'm smart enough to do this. The doctor told me that he knows that since I'm making it through all this I am capable of making it through nursing school.

It feels so right that I'm doing this. It feels like the right time in my life. I just have one more thing to pass and then turn in my paper work! I'm so excited!

Just to clarify... I'm actually doing the LPN program then LPN to RN so I don't have to wait anymore.

Rupunzel, Rupunzel let down your hair!

I should be sleeping because I have a work meeting tomorrow and a lot of other ish going on tomorrow, but here I am. Awake. Watching Tangled. I'm like 5 right now! I actually like this movie. It is rather CUTE!!! I still can't believe I'm watching this right now!

I wish I knew a Rupunzel that could heal me with her hair!

I didn't go to Vegas with some of the girls from work. I'm rather bummed about it, but it was going to be more money than I have and it was going to be a long drive by myself. I didn't want to spend money to be alone in my car. I can do that any time I want.

Jamie is taking me to Sedona this weekend for some mental and emotional healing. I am excited to hike and see Sedona for the first time.

On Friday I'm going to see my normal doctor to get my referral for my procedure and to get my okay to go to nursing school. I'm pretty nervous about all this. I mean seriously right now! AH! I also should have  my recent stuff available to talk to my doctor about. I don't really know what to even think right now. I can't wait to talk about all my results more in depth. Mostly I can't wait for that go ahead to start nursing school!

I'm ready to move forward. I have a TON to do in the next few weeks to make sure I'm ready for school.

Strange Sleep

The last week since I've worked has been so weird. Usually I have no problems switching back to nights after going to see my family, but I have had some issues this time.

Sunday when I got home from my parents I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 3am. I went to church and went into work to help out. I then fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 3am again.

Monday, after waking up at 3, I fell back asleep at 11am and slept til 6pm. I then fell asleep AGAIN at midnight to noon on Tuesday.

Tuesday, it's noon, I wake up and fiddle around and do my usual stuff. I make it til 3am where I nap until 5am.

Wednesday I sleep like my night shift usual! YAY! I slept all day. I got up and went to the gym only to fall asleep around 10 and woke up at 5 this morning.

Here it is Thursday morning. I have to work tonight. I really need to sleep during the day today, but I've already slept all night (mostly.)

In other news... Jamie and I just booked tickets to go see his mom in Texas for his birthday!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm so excited and nervous and about 50 other things! I can't believe this! I hope is mom is accepting of this crazy American girl ♥

Pre C

Thursday I was working an overtime shift partially during the day. On my way to work I saw that the Dr. had called. I called them back as I was driving. I asked to speak with the nurse that had called me. She got on the phone and said, "We got your results back. You have high risk cervical dysplasia. We need to have another procedure done to remove that."

I shut down. I stopped listening. All I could think of was MOTHER EFFFFFFFFF!!!! I knew right away the seriousness of what was going on. Precancerous cells growing inside of me with a high risk of evolving into... Cancer.

I remember her saying something about it needs to be done no later than 2-3 months. You have the option of being completely sedated or just having a local. I chose to be completely sedated. She said they would call me tomorrow and set up the appointment.

I'm pretty sure she said more, but I honestly can remember much. I don't remember getting off the freeway. I don't know how I didn't wreck.

I called Jamie because he had called while I was getting ready to call the dr's office back. I couldn't breathe. I was scared. He told me he would be there for me and I will get through this.

Next I called my mom, but she didn't have her phone. I called my dad and told him. I cried. I called my mom a little bit later because my dad had gotten a hold of her.

I went into work.

Numb.

Alone.

What do I even do next?

What happens from here?

Friday I scheduled my appointment for my procedure. It's called a LEEP procedure. (Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure) It's scheduled for November because the guy in charge of putting me to sleep is out of the country on a medical mission. Nice of him to just up and leave!

Like I said I chose to be sedated. Let me explain why. Although this procedure doesn't take long it is quite scary for me. I work in the lovely medical field where I will know if something goes wrong by a simple voice change. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to smell anything (they have to cauterize to stop the bleeding.) I just don't want to know what's going on until it's over. Some might think this is a little over the top, but I think it's perfect for me and that's all that matters.

I'm so over this year.

I'm so ready to be done with seeing my doctor on a monthly basis. Really!

I am going to stop by later today in hopes of getting my results so when I go to my regular dr she can talk to me about the results more in depth. I have to go to the regular dr anyways to get clearance to have the procedure done.

Friday night and Saturday were spent in P*town with Jamie and my family. It was so nice to talk to my grandparents and know of their support and love for me. It was such a blessing to have most of my family gather around. I did miss my oldest sister and her family, but I'm sure I will see them next time.

I'm trying not to take things for granted anymore. Not that I think I'm going to die, but more because I lucky. I know that it isn't my time to go no matter what comes of this. I know that I'm here for a reason. I also know that there is some reason I am going through this.

This whole year has been an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready to get off before I puke!

I'm praying my Pre C doesn't turn into the Big C.

If that's God's will, then I'll kick it's butt!

????

I feel like I have been waiting for eternity to get here as I wait for my test results. My father put things into perspective by saying that right now I just have a HUGE ? on my health.

 That's just so true. 

There are times I feel so crazy. There are times when I down play others pain because it couldn't possibly be worse than mine. There are times when I just want to yell at people because they think their life is so easy because they are worrying about what shoes to wear with their brand new dress. There are sometimes when I hear people complain about money, their living situation, or basically anything I just want to tell them to shove it because they could have it so much worse.

This all probably makes me a terrible person.

However, I am aware of my feelings and have been trying to work on them. Yes, my life is NOT TERRIBLE. It's not even mostly bad. True we all have our own trials and what is hard for one person is easy for another. I'm not bloody stupid. I'm actually quite smart beyond my years. I just get so frustrated because I can't seem to find answers and I have been dealing with this for quite some time. And just like I downplay other's pain, they in return do the same for me. "Oh it's not that bad." "Just take some meds and you will be fine." "You look healthy."

Really it's worse than just bad. I take the medicine I can, but I do need to be functional and be able to work. The medicine doesn't even work just FYI! I look healthy because on the outside I'm 22 on the inside I'm 72. My insides tell me I'm old. Maybe my "old soul" has taken over my body. 

Things that give me hope:

Alma 11:44 Now, this restoration shall come to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, both the wicked and the righteous; and even there shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost; but every thing shall be ^arestored to its perfect frame, as it is now, or in the body, and shall be brought and be arraigned before the bar of Christ the Son, and God the ^bFather, and the Holy Spirit, which is ^cone Eternal God, to be ^djudged according to their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil.

I know the pain will go away, at some point, and never come back.

I know that at some point my life there will be more light than darkness. 

I know that at some point this will all be a thing of the past.

This has indeed been the hardest year of my life so far. 

Who knows what is next to come?

??????????

Positive

I'm trying my hardest to remain positive as I wait for my results. It wasn't for sure going into the doctor's on Wednesday if I would for sure need a biopsy. I was hoping deep down that I wouldn't and that after he looked it would be clear and free of any abnormal cells. Unfortunatly, that was not the case. I had two places that had abnormal cells. He took biopsies from both of them. The first one I couldn't feel much, but the second I could. He then did another swab thingy to check where he couldn't see. I held back my tears when he said there was not one but 2 spots and they would need to be tested. Lucky for me my mom was there to hold my hand every step of the way. She even was reminding me to breath!

I thought the hard part was over until I soon realized I have to now wait for the results. That for me is the hardest part. Everyone keeps saying I will be fine and I'm trying to stay positive and believe that, but let's just be real right now... this situation, no matter the outcome, sucks. Like I have said a BAGILLION (that's a word) times before... Physically I can take on anything and I will make it through, but the emotional side of me will and has taken a beating. I should be finding the results out hopefully this week. I want it to be Monday (today), but I don't know if it will happen.

My pain has been really bad since the tests and such. Not only my endo pain, but also the pain and cramping coming from the biopsy sites. Last night was horrible and today I'm having the aftermath of a bad night. I know at some point everything will get better. Not today, this month, or maybe even this year, but at some point my pain WILL go away for good!

I managed to make it through my class yesterday with out dying or falling asleep. I learned more in that class than I thought I would. It mostly talked about babies dying in utero or shortly after. We don't see much of that in the pediatric er because if they are pregnant they are sent to adult er. However we do deal with death and so I can apply the things I learned to any death and my friends and family who have to suffer through this terrible trial. The teacher said something that really just made sense to me. She said, "It doesn't matter how far along she is when it happens, but the attachment she has to the child." I don't know why I have never thought of that before. It's so true. It's a beautiful truth. I learned that it was okay if the family sees you crying because that shows them you are human. In labor and delivery when there is a baby that dies in utero they take pics of the baby. It seems like such a nice gesture and very kind, but I'm still unsure whether I can fulfil that duty. I guess it's something I will have to work on if I get the opportunity to do so. We also learned that in Arizona we have very loose laws for when there is a death. Families can take the baby home and bury it on their own with a permit. This was quite a shock to me because down here when we have a death 9 times out of 10 they are a medical examiner case and so that is not even an option for us.

This week has been a very interesting one to say the least and I will keep praying for a good outcome. I know that it's all in the Lord's hands and he will never give me more than I can handle. I am ready for whatever happens and know that I am a strong woman. In the ER we have a saying... Plan for the worst... Hope for the best. I've got that down pretty much to a T.

Don't Judge

To some people they can't quite understand why I lately I have been a little more grumpy or mean.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have a disease that is currently a MAJOR part of my life. I have more pain than you can ever imagine, yet here I am functioning because I have too. Here I am working like a normal human, not because I feel up to it, but because if I don't I won't have enough money to pay my bills and I'll lose my insurance, which is a HUGE deal to me right now. I don't have control over my pain. For the past year the pain has controlled my life. It gets to dictate what I do and do not do.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have a serious test coming up tomorrow that has me scared out of my MIND! I would love to say that it will be fine, but last time I thought everything was going to be fine I woke up with a disease that has yet to stop hurting me.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years and yes it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, but dang it he has been by my side through all of this. NOT YOU! He has been my greatest strength and weakness. I do realize my mom has been there too. I'm not discrediting my mother in any way, shape, or form, or my family for that matter. However there are people out there in my life that are still confused as to why I am in my current situation. Well it's hard to be alone when you feel like everything is failing in your life.

I don't expect everyone to understand my life, but I do expect people to not judge me as I work through MY life. I don't expect people to pity me, but I do expect people to give me a little consideration. I'm not asking much here. I emotionally am at my breaking point with everything and everyone right now. I honestly am emotionally drained. You have not walked one step in my shoes. Not one. You don't know what is going on. I can almost promise y'all that if you had to deal with the pain I deal with you too would be upset and angry.

I feel guilty that my mom drives up here and goes to my appointments, but honestly I'm so thankful she does.
I feel bad that Jamie has to deal with a broken girlfriend.
I feel like a weight on every one's shoulders. (and by everyone I mean my family and Jamie)
I feel like Jamie deserves to have someone that is healthy.
I feel like my mom deserves to have a healthy daughter so she doesn't always have to worry about me.
I feel like I have no control over my life.
I feel like I have lost my beauty of being a woman.

Last week I was so upset with things going on I spent almost an entire time at the gym hitting the punching bag so hard that my hands were bleeding. No lies. Blood!

Now listen if you are in some way offended by this, that was not my intent, but if you are that just means that you are not innocent and maybe you are one of the people I am talking about. Guilty conscious much?

Looking Forward

There are a few things coming up in my life I'm SERIOUSLY looking forward too (and a few I'm not)

-Next Wednesday Biopsies (Don't worry I'm sure it's nothing. Everything else is negative for a source so I'm sure this will be too.)

-Next Thursday I'm taking a class at work for babies that die in the uterus or shortly after. I'm really excited to expand my knowledge of helping others.

-Late October I'm going with my girl coworkers to Vegas. It will be interesting since I'm not into the Vegas scene. (Free hotel though!)

-November is not too special since I will be working through Thanksgiving. BOO!

-December I will be going to HAWAII for my birthday! I couldn't be more excited to spend my special day on the beach! It is going to be AWESOME to be surfing the waves is Hawaii's beautiful ocean.

I'm hoping to get into the LPN program in January. I have been filling out my paperwork all night and saying a lot of prayers! I turn in my paper work in November. I still have to retake a test from a few years ago so I can get into the program. I'm a little (a lot) nervous about the test because I feel like it's been so long! I will be doing some major studying!

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to show for my age, but then I realize that I have done a lot more than some BORING PEOPLE! Yeah so what, I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't have a college degree, but I do have a great job, a great boyfriend, and I'm traveling a lot.

Life IS good!

Always a Princess

Friday night I worked until Saturday morning. Saturday morning I still had homework to do. (I am a terrible procrastinator.) So I stayed up late doing homework. I finally got to bed around 11:45. I woke up at 5 to the sweetest text from my father letting me know of his love and support.

Sometimes I feel forgotten about. Sometimes I feel alone, but then my parents do something that always lets me know of their love for me. I get packages from my mom with homemade cookies and a love note. I get random texts from my father letting me know he is thinking of me and he is proud of me. It is always amazing how quickly my day turns around when they let me know of their love. It is the GREATEST feeling in the world.

People may say I'm spoiled, but that's not the case. It's just......

Once a Princess... Always a Princess!

Quick Update

Friday was the test to see if I have ulcers on my bladder. Well..... It's a negative.

Let us review...

*Endometriosis- Yes I have that.
*PCOS- I don't have a yes or no answer to that because they forgot to tell me to come off the birth control for taking the blood. On ultrasound they said I do have a lot of little cysts on my ovaries.
*Intersticial cystitis- Negative on that
*Abnormal pap results- Yes. Hopefully no cancer cells. I will find out in a few weeks.
*Heart murmur- Small but insignificant
*Heart palpitations- Yes, but I know how to fix it if my heart starts beating too quickly.
*Pain- OH YES I DO!

So what's next? Well in a few weeks I will have a procedure done along with some biopsies. I was told maybe I should see an G.I. (gastrointestinal) doctor to see if that could be causing the pain. I'm undecided about that. Maybe I'm just so caught up about the endo thing that I can't see past it to think of any other body parts being broken.

My 2 cents

I care about health and truly want people to be healthy and happy with their body. The only "diet" that has with stood the times is simple EXERCISE and HEALTHY EATING! (This isn't a diet, but a way of living!) Our bodies are AMAZING creations. Seriously! They do so much for us every day. They can change what we eat into energy. If we do not use the energy we store it for use later on.

If we go back LESS than a hundred years ago we will see that food was not plentiful. There was no such thing as "Fast Food." People WORKED for every piece of food. They waited for the food to come in season before they could eat it. They WORKED in their fields doing MANUAL labor to be able to have a good harvest. If the harvest was good they ate it and continued to work in their fields for the next harvest. Now let us pretend that they got an early rain storm that flooded their fields and they lost all they had. They would only have a little bit of food to consume and it would have to last them all winter.

At this moment is when the AWESOMENESS of our body comes into play. Our body stores what we don't use just in case there is that flood in our lives when we are no longer able to provide for ourselves. When we have to WORK for our food we lose calories or we use energy. Energy is another word for calorie.

Now in 2011 we do not have to work for our food. No I do not think that makes us lazy. However we are consuming food and we are not using the energy from the food that we consume. We are eating a lot more than using causing us to be overweight. We are saving that food just in case there is a drought or flood or a freeze.

IN ORDER TO LOSE WEIGHT WE MUST be USING more calories than we are taking in. In saying that the way that we USE more than we take in is by EXERCISE! Just get in more activity than you did the day before. It doesn't need to be drastic, but it does need to be more than you are doing NOW! The reason I feel  I can talk so bluntly about this situation is because I can learn from this as well. I need to get more exercise as well. I get that. I also get that people reading are probably ticked. Possibly some of my family members. *HI GUYS*

Lowering our intake by by 100-200 calories a day and then burning an extra 200-300 a day will show you weight loss. Sure it's not going to be drastic. It's not going to be 40lbs in 40 days. It's going to be maybe 1-2 lbs a week.

DIETS DO NOT WORK!

LIFESTYLE CHANGES DO!!!!

The USDA came out with the food pyramid a while back. This year they updated it. They updated it to myplate. Why did they update it? Because people did not understand how to read the pyramid. There are 5 food groups. Grains- Over half of your grains need to be whole grains. Yes this means wheat not white!
vegetable- Eat more of a variety. Fruit- They give you natural sugar and are healthy. Calcium- Healthy bones. You never think this is important until they start to fail you. Protein- Your body can not store LEAN protein. Therefore it is a good source of energy.

Why is the HCG diet not healthy? You ARE, in fact, STARVING your body of nutrition. You are not treating your body with enough respect to do what it needs. 500 calories is not enough for anyone. You are putting your body into starvation mode. Yes you will lose weight starving yourself. People that are anorexic do the same thing. They starve themselves. When you decide you have lost the weight you would like to lose, you WILL, in fact, GAIN it ALLLLLL back if not more. Why will this happen? Because you HAVE NOT made ANY lifestyle changes. You are not dieting in a healthy manner so your body will store anything it gets because it will be afraid of going into starvation. You are not doing anything to help get rid of energy or calories. You are still doing nothing. (Once again I need to step up my cardio as well.) If you do not believe me here is a double blind study. (double blind studies are one of the best ways to do studies.) In this study they took 40 obese women. 6 days a week for 6 weeks they either got placebo or HCG. They all went on the restricted diet. The ones that had the HCG had NO advantages over those who just starved themselves.

It's not HEALTHY. It's not safe. It can cause a ton of side effects. HCG can cover up cancer cells and tumors because they way they are tested for those are by testing HCG levels in the body.

I understand being overweight. I understand looking in the mirror and feeling ugly. I had a boyfriend that would grab my ribs, the thinnest part of me, and say look how skinny you COULD be. So what did I do? I stopped eating. Yes I starved myself. I was probably consuming that 500 calories a day. (which is less than half of what I should be consuming) Then I opened up and told my family. I began eating again. I gained it all back, but what changed? Nothing. Then over the next few years I did my research. I studied. I learned. I was able to lose weight in a HEALTHY way. None of this restricting crap. You have to love yourself enough to be healthy and lose weight the right way.

As of today I am sure I need to do more cardio and I could make excuses 'til the cows come home as to why I'm not, but I know that excuses and good intentions pave the way to HELL, or in this case a non healthy body which can be like living hell. (And I would know because my body has it's own issues, but I try my best to be heart healthy)

I believe that everyone CAN be healthy with out going to extremes. Doctors have come out and said how when extremes happen your body can fail because of too much stress. Extremes in any situation. Extreme temperature, hot or cold. Extreme pain. Extreme exhaustion...bla bla bla.

I wonder at this point how many people are still reading. I know this all seems so harsh, but you can be healthy in any situation. You just have to START. Each day you have to ask yourself what is important and if you are willing to really achieve that goal.

There is a website called Shape Up America where it gives some secrets to shaping up. This website is raising awareness about obesity in America and challenging each of us to be healthy and get moving.

When your new lifestyle takes control in your life is when you will see changes. YOU WILL BE HEALTHIER. I can promise you that. I had blood taken at the end of 2010 and when I got my blood levels checked again when I had my heart issues my good cholesterol level was so high the cardiologist was impressed. My triglycerides had gone down to a good level. My heart was healthy even though I didn't physically feel healthy.

Being healthy isn't just a diet. It's a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. That's my 2 cents. I do apologize for offending anyone because this blog was to inform and educate not to make you feel angry or guilty.

Too Much Too Soon

This is now my THIRD attempt to write this post. I keep starting then I feel like I'm revealing too much. I want to be open and honest with myself on here and with others that read this. I want to be able to share my story in hopes that someone can benefit from it... However, since it is public I do need to keep some things on the D.L. until I am ready to share. I don't know why I need to even say all this. I probably feel a little guilty for hiding things because I've been so open.

I have an appointment on Friday with my Gyn and hope to have more answers for myself as to what is going on down there!!!! I am excited because my mom will be driving up here to be with me so I can have someone. She is such a blessing to me! What an AMAZING women she is. I know watching me go through all this has to be hard on her, but she stands strong and firm in helping me find answers. 

I am thankful for your support as I go forward with fighting these rough weeks ahead.

Treading Water

I have been feeling very positive about my situation lately, but today was not a good day. I feel like I'm living in this nightmare and I simply can NOT wake up. I was doing so well at being positive and accepting the things that have been happening, but I can't handle anything else. In this dream that I'm living I'm the only one that can fight. No one else can fight this for me. Just me.

I took my anger out on my bed. I punched it a few times (by a few I mean a lot.) I went to the gym. Ran and walked. Then I punched the stupid bag until my hands were red and hurt.

Why can't I wake up to my happy life? It's been a year and yet I still can't wake up.

I hope this is fake life. I want this to be fake life. I don't want this to be real.

I do not like it in a house.
I do not like it with a mouse.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like this mess I am.
I do not like it, Sir and Ma'am.

I was talking to Jamie and he said, "We will cross this bridge together."
I was talking to my mom and she said, "Everything will be okay."
I was talking to my sister and she said, "I will imagine you well."
I was talking to myself and I said, "Heavenly Father must think I'm really strong and stubborn to keep giving me these trials."

I know I have a lot of blessings in my life. I know that. And I want to be positive and look at all the blessings, but it's so hard sometimes. I had a glimmer of hope, but that tunnel of hope is now no smaller than this . Yeah, that dot right there. That is the size of my hope. All my hopes and dreams are changing. Now I only hope for a pain free and stress free day. Now I only dream of a day when I can no longer worry about 100 dr appointments and work to pay my bills (barely.)

I was doing pt yesterday and an older lady was talking to another older lady. The first one said to the second, "She looks healthy. She doesn't need to be here." The second said, "She looks healthy, but she could be in a lot of pain." I laughed and said thank you. Because yes, that is exactly it! I look healthy. I am 22. I should be in my prime of life, but instead I'm fighting to tread water. I'm fighting to keep my head up. I'm fighting so hard, but I'm getting tired. I'm getting worn out. I don't know how long I can keep fighting. (Okay, seriously, let's just be real, I'm going to keep fighting. I'm too dang stubborn to give up!!!) However, sometimes I do wish I wasn't so stubborn and could give up.

I need to throw myself into this nutrition class and forget for the next few weeks everything that is going on. I'm sure everyone is sick of me complaining, but I need to vent. I need to tell my story. I need to MAYBE give someone else hope to keep fighting!

-----Good News-----

My brother and sister in law had their baby girl!!!! I love to be an aunt! Best thing EVER!!!! Congratulations to them!

Ish

I'm taking a Nutrition for Sports and Fitness class. I'm not really sure what I've gotten myself into. I went and rented my book by giving them one arm and leg. I started to read. BORING! Seriously why don't they make books more interesting?!

I went to the gym today knowing fully that I may not make it through my work out because I just had not been feeling well. I should have listened to my body, but it had been so long since I had been there I was craving a good leg work out. I should know better! I know that when I do legs and/or abs I sometimes have flare ups. I also know that I would be starting my period this week but because of my continuous birth control I don't have my period, but I still have everything that comes with it. I was pretty irritated by the fact that everyone was staring at me as I limped around and tried to find a spot to be alone. What a joke!  It's a gym, you aren't even in the bathroom alone.

One thing that I have noticed lately is that when I sit directly upright, like sitting in a chair or on the ground, my side becomes a little irritated. It's kind of strange. I'm not really sure why it's like that.

I have been doing some research and I stumbled across a supplement that I would like to talk to my doctor about taking. The main ingredient is Nattokinase along with some strong anti oxidants. The sup is called Fibrovan. If the results are negative from this test next week I am going to talk to him about this. Also I will be REFUSING LUPRON! For those out there who are considering it... do your research. A group of woman is suing the makers of Lupron. I do not want to be involved with that drug or that company. I like looking for more natural ways of healing. I know that may make me sound like a hippie, but SERIOUSLY... IT'S MY BODY! I have to live with this body for ALLLLLLL of my life. If I screw it up by taking stupid drugs like Lupron I will regret it for... FOREVER!

I walked into the grocery store this evening because I wanted potatoes. Any for of potato. What did I come home with? PF Changs take home meals and stuff to make red velvet cupcakes. Why do I always go to the store when my tummy is growling. I know it never ends with just one thing.

I will be going back to work tomorrow. I'm not really sure how I feel about that to be honest. I feel like I need more time off. I'm not ready to be there with people. I'm not ready to go back to the real world where I fake it 'til I make it. Oh well. I guess I have to make money somehow.

Cruise

What a FABULOUS week it has been. As I sit here at my parents watching football with my brother and Roxy I can't help, but feel so blessed.

On Monday morning Jamie and I flew out to Los Angeles where we caught a shuttle to go get on the boat for our cruise. The ship is of course HUGE and some how still floats on the water.  Once we boarded the ship we ate lunch and looked around. We finally were allowed into our rooms so we checked that out and it was pretty small.

Our small room

We unpacked our luggage and hung out for a bit. After we walked around some more. We were up getting something to eat again around 6 when the boat set sail. I am scared of heights so I was really nervous getting close to the edge. 

Us as we drifted out to sea!

That night we set up our adventures for the next days and Jamie realized he forgot his swim shorts so we had to buy some new ones. I am obsessed with Roxy and the store on the ship had roxy gear! I tried on all the hats, but I didn't buy a single one!

We went to our first dinner and met our table mates. There was a couple from Scotland, a couple from Australia, a couple from The Philippines, and a couple from Oregon. It was a fun experience getting to know everyone! I loved just listening to them all talk and compare stories about life.

On Tuesday we were in Catalina Island. We did a work out in the boat's gym first thing. That was AWESOME! I watched as people parasailed and went out boating. That afternoon we went to shore  where we went snorkeling. We didn't bring our camera because we didn't want it to get stolen or wet. I enjoyed holding Jamie's hand and just floating with the waves. I did get pretty cold because the water is FREEZING. They did give us wet suits. Jamie got a special one because he didn't fit into the other ones. Even the instructor said he could be a wet suit model! DELISH!

Tuesday night we dressed up in nice clothes and had dinner. They whole boat was dressed in nice clothes. It's always nice to get dressed up and go to dinner. My favorite part about dinner every night was that I got a chocolate fudge cake with ice cream! YUMMMM!!!!

Wednesday we arrived in Ensenada, Mexico. First thing in the morning we went kayaking and saw the World's biggest blow hole! It was AWESOME!!!!!! The waves come in and because of the pressure the water shoots up between the rocks over 100 ft in the air!

As Jamie was taking some pictures an animal jumped out of the water and I FREAKED out! Later we saw some seals and I realized the animal I saw was a seal. Because of the kelp that is so dense in that area it's a good habitat for fish which is also great feeding grounds for the seals. It was so cool to be so close to seals in their natural habitat.

After the kayaking we went to the ship, got cleaned up, and went back out shopping. We ate at a great little taco place and enjoyed the environment and weather! I bought some natural vanilla for my mom and I and a shirt. Jamie bought some things for him and Sara. As we were walking back to the ship there was a young boy around 7 that was trying to get us to buy bracelets. His younger brother maybe was 3 was walking around with just a cup. It was a reality check for sure.

Once we got back on the boat Jamie went to the gym while I napped because I had pushed myself too hard and my body was PISSED at me. So I napped. 

At dinner our table mates bought us presents from Mexico which included a flute. We did a little train line and I played my flute the whole way around the dining room. It was fun to just make fools of ourselves!

Thursday we spent all day at sea. Mostly it was for those people who drink, smoke, and gamble. Since we don't do any of those things we laid out and caught some sun rays! As we laid out we saw dolphins off in the distance. How beautiful! How amazing!!!! After lunch we went back and laid out some more! Later we went to the gym again and being able to see the ocean made working out not so boring. The ocean is so relaxing! We decided that it would be fun to watch the sun set. So that's exactly what we did!

Us watching the sun set!

Friday we left the ship and flew back to Arizona. I decided later that night to come and see my family. So that's what I did!

Saturday morning I played football with my family and I had a blast.

Here I sit with Roxy next to me feeling so blessed.

I AM BLESSED!!!!

I am thankful for Jamie and his love and devotion to me. I'm thankful for his strength that keeps me fighting. I'm thankful for my family and their love for me! I'm am blessed to have such amazing people in my life!

These are the memories that will never fade! ♥

Next Step

I went to my Gyn today... Dr. M. I LOVE him. I more than love him. He is such an amazing doctor. I mostly like him because I feel like he listens to all my concerns and let's face it... I have a lot. Jamie was so sweet and met me up at the office. He kept me laughing so I wouldn't be nervous. There were a strange mix of people that came through the office. A lot of pregnant people. It's always awkward to be surrounded with pregnant people.

Dr. M came in and we talked about my recent trip to the ER. He seems actually concerned with my pain. He was concerned because I'm taking so much ibuprofen that he doesn't want me to make my body even more sick. He wants to help me at least that's how I feel. He thinks the pain is from a cyst that ruptured. He said the pain will be there possibly up to 10 days because there is fluid and the body has to absorb it all. So it will take time and patience as that happens. He really is pushing for this interstitial cystitis test which will be done on the 16th. He said, "We are searching for a zebra." He wants to rule it out and cover all the bases. (Interstitial cystitis is kind of like having ulcers, but in your bladder) I told him I'm frustrated and I'm almost to my breaking point and he said he wants to get this taken care of before that point. He answered my questions and Jamie's too. I love that Dr. M takes time to answer questions from the people that care about me the most. He has been so sweet to my mom and Jamie. It just makes me so happy.

Although my pain is still pretty rough and it doesn't go away with the meds I'm taking... I'm just glad to know that for the most part I have a plan and we are taking the next step. I know what is going to happen from here. I know that if I have this new disease I will do x, y, and z. I know that if I don't then we will continue to treat the endo and we will work to get the pain under control.

I was talking to Jamie tonight and I was talking to him about if I have this I will be on this new diet and how I'm not to excited and he said yeah I know I saw that. WOW! He took the time to look up the disease and ways to treat it. He took the time to see how to help me and keep me healthy. I cried. I just can't believe that someone would care that much about me to go out of his way to do that. Monday we leave to go on a 4 day cruise. I am SUPER DEE DUPER excited! We deserve this get away. We are both praying for a pain free week and no attacks (and no throwing up on the boat!)

****SIDE NOTE****
Isn't it amazing that EVERYONE knows the smell of popcorn and how the smell can flow all through a building!

What a WASTE

Well yesterday started a day with new pain. I have never felt this pain before and I had been spotting earlier this week. I called the on call Dr. She (of course) told me to go into the ER. I (of course) held out for as long as possible. I took pain medicine and nothing happened. I took some more, still, nothing.

I went in.

Jamie came and picked me up because I wasn't able to drive.

It took over 2.5 hours to see a Provider. I was PISSED!

I don't care how busy you are, you could start orders on me and get me out of pain. When I first got in there I gave them a urine sample and they couldn't even take it by the time the orders came about because it had been sitting there for too LONG!

Once I finally got my IV they pulled out the big guns on me. They used one of the strongest pain meds for me. It's stronger than Morphine... I wish it took one dose and I felt better. Nope. Of course not. By the time I left I had 3 doses and I was still in pain.

They did blood tests, urine, pelvic exam, and an ultra sound. All they found was some free fluid in my pelvis which is possibly from a cyst that ruptured. Of course they had no other answers for me.

I am FURIOUS! I keep wasting time and money in the ER. I never want to see another ER (except the one I work in!) I'm so sick of the pain. I want to be pain free so bad. I'm trying so hard to be but can't find anything that works for me.

By some miracle I got a follow up appointment with MY own GYN. I'll be following up with him before my CRUISE! I can't wait to sail away from here with Jamie ♥

I am done wasting time and MONEY!

Consequences of Losing

Today as I was getting ready to work a day shift at work I put on my clothes and realized that my bra no longer was doing anything. It was hanging off of me like a christmas tree ornament. I'm not really sure how I really feel about this situation. Sure getting into better shape is good, but bras are EXPENSIVE. And let's just be real... I don't have money to buy new ones. I am bitter, but not braless.

Sorry about the absurd post, but I needed to vent. GR!

In Terms of the Heart

Last week I FINALLY was able to follow up with my cardiologist. I got all my results back! Dr. S. said that everything looks good. I had a few times where my heart would race, but it always slowed back down. The highest it got was 167 and then it dropped to 47 when I was waking up or possibly still asleep. My echo (ultrasound of the heart) results were good. There were no signs of a bad murmur or even a murmur at all. He did say that racing heart it completely normal for the most part. He told me that if it is racing for over 5 min and then I should start to be a tad concerned. He gave me some tips to bring it down. If it continues to last then I should go to the ER. I'm sure it won't last and I'm so glad to know that for the most part my heart is FABULOUS and I'm cleared to go and do whatever my heart desires! He was shocked at how AMAZING my cholesterol is. My good cholesterol is really high and he got this strange look on his face when he was dictating about my chart into the computer.

I am looking at the current results and the results from blood work taken last year. My cholesterol has changed for the good and my triglycerides have gone down. I am grateful for the weight that I have lost. No I may not be the skinniest girl in town, but I am healthy. I have the blood work to PROVE IT!

It has come to my recent attention that I can take pain meds for my pain (which I NEVER do), but those don't even work. SWEET!!! I love it. I have a this fabulous heat pack that I warm up in the microwave and it smells good and that has been kind of my comfort blanket recently. Thank you Mom for letting me steal it from you!

Well at least I have some answers for the physical well being of my heart!