Eh...

Yesterday the doctor's office called with my results. The previous few nights I had been sleeping terribly and so I ended up waking up earlier on Monday than I had expected. I saw that I had a message from the doctor's office and my heart started to race and my hands became shaky.

I called them back.

"The margins are positive. However the endocervical canal is negative so that is good. The doctor would like to see you in March for another colposcopy, but we don't have the schedule that far so can you call back in January?" "Oh you have an appointment in January well you can make the appointment then."

*click*

Wait. What just happened. She sounded happy on the phone. But is this good or bad. I don't even know what to think.

*Breathe*

Okay so the margins are positive... that means that there are still bad cells left in there. They are high grade dysplasia and can grow faster than low grade dysplasia.

However... when they took out the bad cell pieces they burnt the area to make it stop bleeding. They are hoping that when they burnt the areas that the bad cells died. There is no way to check that until March when they redo the biopsies. They have to wait until then because my business needs time to heal. Also if they do it to soon it could result in a false positive or false negative.

The endocervical canal is negative. That is GOOD! That means the bad cells have not started growing up into my uterus.

I made the rounds calling and texting people to let them know.

Jamie and I went and got my emissions tested and oil changed. Then we attempted to go play tennis however in this HUGE city I live in there is no where with lights to play that you don't have to pay for. I was devastated. We decided to put up the tree.

There was one more person I needed to call and that was my dad. When I called I let him know and he just kept saying how sorry he was that I have to go through this. I was choking back the tears, but it's my daddy and all my walls broke down. I told him how disappointed I was. How scared and devastated I am. I could hear him getting choked up and quickly changed the subject to I was coming home for Christmas. I told him he could call my grandparents and let them know or I would tell them when I came down for Christmas. He said he would be calling them right now. I got off the phone and cried.

Yeah what I'm going through sucks. Just flat out sucks. I was so ready to move on. To never worry about this again. To move forward and passed all this. But here I am, pushing through the tears, building up a wall so know one knows and praying for strength to keep pushing.

We put up the Christmas tree. I cried a lot. Sara put up most of the decorations. Jamie's house looks like a Christmas explosion.

I must say that I really would rather go home and be with my family this week then go to Hawaii. I really just want to be with the ones I love and hold them close.

No I'm not flipping DYING, but it's still not easy news or an easy thing to do alone. Thank goodness I'm not alone and have a lot of people who are cheering me on!