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I feel like I have been waiting for eternity to get here as I wait for my test results. My father put things into perspective by saying that right now I just have a HUGE ? on my health.

 That's just so true. 

There are times I feel so crazy. There are times when I down play others pain because it couldn't possibly be worse than mine. There are times when I just want to yell at people because they think their life is so easy because they are worrying about what shoes to wear with their brand new dress. There are sometimes when I hear people complain about money, their living situation, or basically anything I just want to tell them to shove it because they could have it so much worse.

This all probably makes me a terrible person.

However, I am aware of my feelings and have been trying to work on them. Yes, my life is NOT TERRIBLE. It's not even mostly bad. True we all have our own trials and what is hard for one person is easy for another. I'm not bloody stupid. I'm actually quite smart beyond my years. I just get so frustrated because I can't seem to find answers and I have been dealing with this for quite some time. And just like I downplay other's pain, they in return do the same for me. "Oh it's not that bad." "Just take some meds and you will be fine." "You look healthy."

Really it's worse than just bad. I take the medicine I can, but I do need to be functional and be able to work. The medicine doesn't even work just FYI! I look healthy because on the outside I'm 22 on the inside I'm 72. My insides tell me I'm old. Maybe my "old soul" has taken over my body. 

Things that give me hope:

Alma 11:44 Now, this restoration shall come to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, both the wicked and the righteous; and even there shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost; but every thing shall be ^arestored to its perfect frame, as it is now, or in the body, and shall be brought and be arraigned before the bar of Christ the Son, and God the ^bFather, and the Holy Spirit, which is ^cone Eternal God, to be ^djudged according to their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil.

I know the pain will go away, at some point, and never come back.

I know that at some point my life there will be more light than darkness. 

I know that at some point this will all be a thing of the past.

This has indeed been the hardest year of my life so far. 

Who knows what is next to come?

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