Positive

I'm trying my hardest to remain positive as I wait for my results. It wasn't for sure going into the doctor's on Wednesday if I would for sure need a biopsy. I was hoping deep down that I wouldn't and that after he looked it would be clear and free of any abnormal cells. Unfortunatly, that was not the case. I had two places that had abnormal cells. He took biopsies from both of them. The first one I couldn't feel much, but the second I could. He then did another swab thingy to check where he couldn't see. I held back my tears when he said there was not one but 2 spots and they would need to be tested. Lucky for me my mom was there to hold my hand every step of the way. She even was reminding me to breath!

I thought the hard part was over until I soon realized I have to now wait for the results. That for me is the hardest part. Everyone keeps saying I will be fine and I'm trying to stay positive and believe that, but let's just be real right now... this situation, no matter the outcome, sucks. Like I have said a BAGILLION (that's a word) times before... Physically I can take on anything and I will make it through, but the emotional side of me will and has taken a beating. I should be finding the results out hopefully this week. I want it to be Monday (today), but I don't know if it will happen.

My pain has been really bad since the tests and such. Not only my endo pain, but also the pain and cramping coming from the biopsy sites. Last night was horrible and today I'm having the aftermath of a bad night. I know at some point everything will get better. Not today, this month, or maybe even this year, but at some point my pain WILL go away for good!

I managed to make it through my class yesterday with out dying or falling asleep. I learned more in that class than I thought I would. It mostly talked about babies dying in utero or shortly after. We don't see much of that in the pediatric er because if they are pregnant they are sent to adult er. However we do deal with death and so I can apply the things I learned to any death and my friends and family who have to suffer through this terrible trial. The teacher said something that really just made sense to me. She said, "It doesn't matter how far along she is when it happens, but the attachment she has to the child." I don't know why I have never thought of that before. It's so true. It's a beautiful truth. I learned that it was okay if the family sees you crying because that shows them you are human. In labor and delivery when there is a baby that dies in utero they take pics of the baby. It seems like such a nice gesture and very kind, but I'm still unsure whether I can fulfil that duty. I guess it's something I will have to work on if I get the opportunity to do so. We also learned that in Arizona we have very loose laws for when there is a death. Families can take the baby home and bury it on their own with a permit. This was quite a shock to me because down here when we have a death 9 times out of 10 they are a medical examiner case and so that is not even an option for us.

This week has been a very interesting one to say the least and I will keep praying for a good outcome. I know that it's all in the Lord's hands and he will never give me more than I can handle. I am ready for whatever happens and know that I am a strong woman. In the ER we have a saying... Plan for the worst... Hope for the best. I've got that down pretty much to a T.