Treading Water

I have been feeling very positive about my situation lately, but today was not a good day. I feel like I'm living in this nightmare and I simply can NOT wake up. I was doing so well at being positive and accepting the things that have been happening, but I can't handle anything else. In this dream that I'm living I'm the only one that can fight. No one else can fight this for me. Just me.

I took my anger out on my bed. I punched it a few times (by a few I mean a lot.) I went to the gym. Ran and walked. Then I punched the stupid bag until my hands were red and hurt.

Why can't I wake up to my happy life? It's been a year and yet I still can't wake up.

I hope this is fake life. I want this to be fake life. I don't want this to be real.

I do not like it in a house.
I do not like it with a mouse.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like this mess I am.
I do not like it, Sir and Ma'am.

I was talking to Jamie and he said, "We will cross this bridge together."
I was talking to my mom and she said, "Everything will be okay."
I was talking to my sister and she said, "I will imagine you well."
I was talking to myself and I said, "Heavenly Father must think I'm really strong and stubborn to keep giving me these trials."

I know I have a lot of blessings in my life. I know that. And I want to be positive and look at all the blessings, but it's so hard sometimes. I had a glimmer of hope, but that tunnel of hope is now no smaller than this . Yeah, that dot right there. That is the size of my hope. All my hopes and dreams are changing. Now I only hope for a pain free and stress free day. Now I only dream of a day when I can no longer worry about 100 dr appointments and work to pay my bills (barely.)

I was doing pt yesterday and an older lady was talking to another older lady. The first one said to the second, "She looks healthy. She doesn't need to be here." The second said, "She looks healthy, but she could be in a lot of pain." I laughed and said thank you. Because yes, that is exactly it! I look healthy. I am 22. I should be in my prime of life, but instead I'm fighting to tread water. I'm fighting to keep my head up. I'm fighting so hard, but I'm getting tired. I'm getting worn out. I don't know how long I can keep fighting. (Okay, seriously, let's just be real, I'm going to keep fighting. I'm too dang stubborn to give up!!!) However, sometimes I do wish I wasn't so stubborn and could give up.

I need to throw myself into this nutrition class and forget for the next few weeks everything that is going on. I'm sure everyone is sick of me complaining, but I need to vent. I need to tell my story. I need to MAYBE give someone else hope to keep fighting!

-----Good News-----

My brother and sister in law had their baby girl!!!! I love to be an aunt! Best thing EVER!!!! Congratulations to them!