Trying to Find the Blessing

Trying to find a blessing in a trial, or in my case it feels like multiple trials, is like trying to find that last Easter egg that no one can remember where it's hidden, but we just know it's out there somewhere.

I know that there are blessings out there, but it's hard to locate them.

I had planned to turn in my nursing paper work for today, November 14. Last week when I was going through my last checks on my paperwork, I realized I was a week behind and that the paperwork was actually due in the morning. I happened to be at work and was extremely stressed about the fact that I still had an entrance exam to take which need to be done after work and I had to be back later that night for another shift. I went home, showered, and took my 3 hour long test. I totally aced it!!! I was so excited because now I was on my way to FREEDOM! I had to speak with a nursing counselor type person to make sure all my paperwork was in check. As she was going through it she informed me I had the wrong fingerprint card so I would not be allowed to turn in my paper work at that time. I swallowed hard. Said, "What do I need to do?" She explained I would need to be re fingerprinted and get a new card and it would be 65 dollars. I choked on my pride and maybe a few tears and simply replied, "Thank you." She was shocked. She said, "You are taking it quite well, I've seen many tears in that chair." I said, "It's all in God's hands." She muttered something that I don't remember and I left. I got in my car and drove home. I was completely deflated. My dreams had once again escaped my reach and I was left in the same place, doing the same things, with not even a glimmer of hope. I had been texting my mom all day updating her on the status. She was bummed out and said something along the lines of it's going to be okay and something good will happen.

Okay let's have a get real moment right now... Every single time this year I have gotten my hopes up about something good happening or it not being as bad as it seems, it ALWAYS comes back to bite me right in that big place called my BUM-BUM!!!!!! I was really hoping and praying that January would be the start of something new and fresh. That I would be doing something and moving forward.

Every time this year I have had something bad happen and I have hoped for something good it's been bad...

February 2011- I think I'm having surgery to have scar tissue removed. Nope. I have endometriosis.

July 2011- I think I'm having anxiety. Nope. I have a heart murmur and an arrhythmia.

September 2011- I think I have pain from a cyst. Jamie says I haven't had a pap in awhile. I think everything will be fine. Abnormal pap.

October 2011- I think the bad pap is just nothing big. Wrong. Precancer.

I can list at least 5 people just off the top of my head who have had this cervical crap and have ended up fine, but forgive me for being worried about my fate. Some may say so what you're just at a 2 you will be fine. Well how am I too be sure of that. The other cells died before they could do the biopsy. Is that good or bad? I don't even know. I'm having this serious procedure done that is used to get rid of cancer. Yes, I'm not the only one to ever go through this, but it's been a crazy year health wise and honestly I don't know what to expect anymore. I'm trying to stay positive and pray that it hasn't spread, but then something happens like I start spotting and completely lose my marbles all over again. (Abnormal spotting is never a good sign when it comes to cervical cancer.)

To be honest I wonder if I didn't get into the nursing program because something bad is going to happen. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's hard to be positive and happy all the time. I'm looking for the blessing that is hiding somewhere through out all this.

My dad told me that there is obviously something I need to learn and my family as well needs to learn from all of this.

I wish I could say I'm so sick of learning, but I'm not. I haven't given up. Nor will I ever. I am a survivor, a fighter (maybe a scrapper), and STUBBORN!

One blessing that happened today to remind me that God is GREAT... Jamie has been trying for over a year to get to be a motor officer. After being passed over multiple times for bogus reasons, he had almost given up on his dream. Today we got the call that they chose him to join the motor officer team. I could not be more proud of him. He of course is more nervous than ever, but I know that he will pass motor school and be AMAZING at it. I jumped around like a 5 year old on Christmas once I realized what was going on. I would have screamed, but he was on the phone and we were at the gym. Although I'm nervous about him being out there on a motorcycle all the time, I'm so excited and proud. I know that it was all in God's good time. I even told him this last time he went to his interview that if he didn't get the job it was God's way of saying he has other plans for you. I can't believe that it happened and he will be living out his dreams. He truly deserves it and I'm grateful to God that He allowed Jamie to have this opportunity.

I don't know what God has in store for me, but I sure hope it's great. I know the blessings will come in His good time. I will keep searching each day for the smallest of blessings to help remind me that I am alive and blessed.