Too Scared

My oldest sister Celissa was talking to me today about my blog. I told her I didn't have anything to say because I said it all yesterday. Well I lied.

I just realized that currently my life revolves around me being too scared.


I'm scared to get stressed out or excercise for fear my heart will hurt me.
I'm scared I'll gain all the weight I lost because I can't excersice and I have low thyroid.
I'm scared to have my period because I know it will hurt me.
I'm scared to go to the Dr because they may not have all the answers.
I'm scared of the dark because that means I'm alone.
I'm scared to wake up because that means it's another day of being scared and not knowing how the day will be health wise.
I'm scared to keep taking my birth control because it could be reaking havoc on my heart and hormones.
I'm scared that my endo is growing inside of me.
I'm scared that I will never have a baby to hold and call my own.
I'm scared of the thought of moving on from Jamie.
I'm scared that this sounds completely crazy to every normal person out there.
I'm scared that the Drs will tell me I'm fine when I don't feel fine.
I'm scared to go to the Cardiologist alone because what if I forget something or I don't remember everything.
I'm scared to be single because how do I deal with everything with no one to lean on (literally)



I feel alone with my own emotions. I mean seriously how am I even supposed to convey my feelings to people when I have things wrong that are not seen by phycially looking at me. I feel like a nut case. I'm not though. I SWEAR. Okay just a little, but isn't everyone. When I tell people about my heart they try and tell me that it is just anxiety, but I don't feel anxious. I feel like it's beating out of my CHEST! I feel like I can't breathe and that I want to pass out. When I tell people about my endo they just shut off because they don't want to hear about that. It's awkward. HELLO! I deal with it every day how awkward is that? You want to know awkward... When you are at the gym and all the sudden you are bent over crying. Now THAT IS awkward. Or how about when you are at dinner and you have to tell your date (Jamie) not to get up from the table because you're not ready to move. Or this is the best when you are at work and you go sheet white and have sit down in the middle of a prodecure because either your heart hurts or your side. I mean take your pick.


I have good days and bad days. And then in each day I have bad moments and good. It's like an emotional rollercoaster. A physical yo-yo. A mental round-a-bout.

I am trying to be strong and everyone just keeps saying to be strong. How would you like me to be strong? How can I be stronger? I'm dealing with all this aren't I?! I'm still working, going to Dr's appointments, sleeping, and such all by myself. I don't ask for help. I do it all by myself. I do my best every DAY. I want to be better. I do. Clearly I am trying to be better and work through these hard times. I know I can do it, but cut me some slack. I try my best to just not cry every day. Sometimes I just think this is way to much for me. But I don't give up. I keep fighting. I keep searching for answers or new ways that might help me. Each day is a challenge for me to cope and to be positive.

My only wish right now is that I wasn't basing my day-to-day things around being scared of EVERYTHING. It's trapped me in.

My Goals for this week include...
Cardiologist appointment. GET ANSWERS!!!! (heart murmur, palpitations, pain, short of breath)
Going back to the gym. (please let me back be able to go back!)
STAYCATION ♥ (I need to relax. I need a time out.)
Supporting Jamie in his show (keep your fingers crossed he can push through and come in tight)