Saturday morning when I was driving home from work I pulled off the freeway at my exit and I realized I had a crack in my windshield. I didn't cry. I didn't even curse. I laughed. I laughed EXTREMELY loud! Then I called my mom and asked her what I should do. We decided that my insurance should cover it, but I just need to figure out when they can come and do it.
Now the irony of this story is this...
As I was walking to my car from work I was think about how much I love my car and how cute it is and how I'm so lucky to have such a great car. HAHAHAHA! I guess it's not happy to have me as an owner! It sure showed me exactly what it thought of me! Thank you car.
I will not breakdown. I will not give up. I will find the answers I need. I'm learning a lot of patience. I guess I had to learn it somehow. I will beat all this (if not in this lifetime... FOR SURE THE NEXT!!!!)
This is a blog where I have been able to open up and express myself. My hopes, my dreams, my struggles, my successes, my LIFE! I hope you enjoy reading about life through the eyes of me. Thank you so much for stopping by and reading.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
This is a Joke Right?
Thursday...
I slept for a bit and went to the Dr's. I waited an hour to see him. I wasn't happy about the wait because I needed to go home and go back to sleep for my shift and it was a 30 min drive to his office. Clearly the visit started off with bad vibes and it didn't get any better from there....
We discussed my heart issues, my pain, my birth control, and my anger.
He told me...
Being tested for interstitial cystitis... HA.. yeah let's just add one more chronic problem into the mix. Although I can almost swear on everything that I don't have that disease, I probably won't swear because who knows what will happen. Basically it's a problem with my bladder. I don't even know really. It doesn't make sense in my mind. To test for it they stick a catheter into my bladder and stick water in there and I rate my pain. Then they stick potassium in there and again I rate my pain. If there is significant pain with the potassium then I have that. I don't feel like I have any of the symptoms except the pelvic pain, which DUH I'm going to have because of my endometriosis.
He gave me a hand out for pain management therapy. I need to start it soon to see if it helps, but it's time consuming and I'm already going to pt at the chiropractor. Once I finish my paid for appointments with him I will stop going and start my therapy that I really need to do to help me feel better. Not that the therapy I'm doing isn't helping other places, but it's not my main focus, my pain is.
I wish is wasn't so long until I had my next appointment.
I talked to some of my coworkers about my birth control situation and they said they would honestly just stay on it until told by the cardiologist not to. For my first appointment with him I asked him and he said he highly doubted my pain was from the birth control. AAAANNNDDDD when I was in the ER the did tests to see if I had a clot and they came back back negative. After I get cleared I will call the GYN and ask to switch birth control.
Today (Friday) I'm just numb, annoyed, frustrated, and a mixing bowl of other emotions. There are some other things going on, but I am unable to discuss them at this time. I guess that's what happens when I have a public blog ;-)
I'm praying tonight I get through this night at work with serious events!
I slept for a bit and went to the Dr's. I waited an hour to see him. I wasn't happy about the wait because I needed to go home and go back to sleep for my shift and it was a 30 min drive to his office. Clearly the visit started off with bad vibes and it didn't get any better from there....
We discussed my heart issues, my pain, my birth control, and my anger.
He told me...
- Stop the birth control until I get cleared from the heart Dr.
- He wants to test me for interstitial cystitis
- Go to pain management therapy (Physical Therapy)
- He understood why i was mad
Being tested for interstitial cystitis... HA.. yeah let's just add one more chronic problem into the mix. Although I can almost swear on everything that I don't have that disease, I probably won't swear because who knows what will happen. Basically it's a problem with my bladder. I don't even know really. It doesn't make sense in my mind. To test for it they stick a catheter into my bladder and stick water in there and I rate my pain. Then they stick potassium in there and again I rate my pain. If there is significant pain with the potassium then I have that. I don't feel like I have any of the symptoms except the pelvic pain, which DUH I'm going to have because of my endometriosis.
He gave me a hand out for pain management therapy. I need to start it soon to see if it helps, but it's time consuming and I'm already going to pt at the chiropractor. Once I finish my paid for appointments with him I will stop going and start my therapy that I really need to do to help me feel better. Not that the therapy I'm doing isn't helping other places, but it's not my main focus, my pain is.
I wish is wasn't so long until I had my next appointment.
I talked to some of my coworkers about my birth control situation and they said they would honestly just stay on it until told by the cardiologist not to. For my first appointment with him I asked him and he said he highly doubted my pain was from the birth control. AAAANNNDDDD when I was in the ER the did tests to see if I had a clot and they came back back negative. After I get cleared I will call the GYN and ask to switch birth control.
Today (Friday) I'm just numb, annoyed, frustrated, and a mixing bowl of other emotions. There are some other things going on, but I am unable to discuss them at this time. I guess that's what happens when I have a public blog ;-)
I'm praying tonight I get through this night at work with serious events!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Pull Yourself Together
After crying, eating a meal, ice cream, and sugar I feel better.
One of my friends was texting me and said some GREAT and uplifting things. I told her that usually I'm fighting against my own self and she said, "The real Stephanie would kick the negative's butt." That was the turn around moment. She is right. Thanks Syl!
I made my first endo friend recently. I have quoted her in some of my blogs. She goes by Warrior Woman. Since I have been reading her blogs I realized that there is a HUGE group of women out there on twitter that have joined together to uplift each other. They are a group called endosisters. Tonight I tweeted back and forth with Warrior Woman. I truly enjoyed talking to someone else that understands my frustrations and doesn't think bad of me for being so upset. She is going through a lot more than I am, but yet she took the time to listen to me. I really enjoyed her kind words. I wish I could give her a big hug and thank her for being so kind to me.
I really need to get a nap in before I go see the Dr. because this appointment is REALLY important. I'm nervous to go alone, but I think I can manage my fears because the Dr. is so nice to me. I just hope I remember all the important questions I want to ask!
I'm currently listening to CMT and let me quote this song which is my feelings to a T!!!!
Wishing I was knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there's a fire in the sky
Never been so happy
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise
One of my friends was texting me and said some GREAT and uplifting things. I told her that usually I'm fighting against my own self and she said, "The real Stephanie would kick the negative's butt." That was the turn around moment. She is right. Thanks Syl!
I made my first endo friend recently. I have quoted her in some of my blogs. She goes by Warrior Woman. Since I have been reading her blogs I realized that there is a HUGE group of women out there on twitter that have joined together to uplift each other. They are a group called endosisters. Tonight I tweeted back and forth with Warrior Woman. I truly enjoyed talking to someone else that understands my frustrations and doesn't think bad of me for being so upset. She is going through a lot more than I am, but yet she took the time to listen to me. I really enjoyed her kind words. I wish I could give her a big hug and thank her for being so kind to me.
I really need to get a nap in before I go see the Dr. because this appointment is REALLY important. I'm nervous to go alone, but I think I can manage my fears because the Dr. is so nice to me. I just hope I remember all the important questions I want to ask!
I'm currently listening to CMT and let me quote this song which is my feelings to a T!!!!
Wishing I was knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there's a fire in the sky
Never been so happy
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise
That song is called "Knee Deep" And that my friends, is where I want to be! And heck, I don't even need a chair just give me a towel!
I will sleep now. Hopefully.
I will sleep now. Hopefully.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Circle Effect
Today I got my monitor taken off and I had my echo/ultra sound of my heart. The GREAT news is... they found a heart. Contrary to some people's beliefs I do have one and it beats and everything! The lady told me I have a beautiful aorta. Thank you? It was actually a relief to see my heart. Although I don't know what a normal heart looks like or the different sounds each valve makes, I was happy to see things working. I was glad I passed my anatomy class because I actually knew most of the things she was looking at. Sadly the results won't be given to me until my follow up appointment. BOO! Oh well. If it's something serious he will call. I'm sure it's nothing serious so I will find out in a week and a half.
I would like to currently crawl under a rock. I feel under appreciated. I don't have a penny to my name. I don't have anything to give anymore. I've given everything. I've seriously hit the lowest of low. How is this possible? HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?! (Sorry Mom) I am sitting here with my hood on to make me feel hidden from the world. I want it to rain. Mostly because then the sky will feel how I feel. I want to scream. I want to punch things. I want this all to go away. This isn't fair! This isn't funny anymore. This isn't anything, but depressing and hurtful. Just when things are looking up, I look around and realize I'm lower than low. I'm so mad.
I just can't get away from this. It always comes back to knock me down.
And there is this STUPID dog that keeps barking and if it doesn't shut up I might go kick it!
I think I'll go take a drive. I don't really have anywhere to go. I just know I need to be somewhere other than here. Although I guess I shouldn't go waste gas when I have no money to buy more. HA! This is a joke. My life is a big FAT joke!
I'm trying to get myself help, but of course that costs money. I can't effing win!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Irritated
A walking EKG machine that is what I am. I'm wearing this monitor to see what my heart is up to. It's quite annoying and is not fashionable at all. Even with wearing a shirt you can see the tape sticking out over the top. I'm embarrassed by it, but luckily I'm currently in the protection of my own home where I'm the only one to judge. (and of course I could care less because it's myself!)
I accomplished my goals from last week. Minus the answers. I won't really get any answers about my heart until I finish up these tests. I have my follow up appointment in 2 weeks where we will go over everything. I decided on my own to go back to the gym but I'm only doing yoga until told other wise.
I'm not sure what goals to set this week to be honest. I'm in a strange mood. I don't really know what I can accomplish this week. I have 4 doctors appointments in 4 days and I need to schedule getting my blood drawn on day 5. Days 4-6 this week I work.
I'm really annoyed with some people's lack of wanting to help. It's little things that are annoying me. I'm fighting with the insurance right? Well they say that my current address is wrong so I ask them to please change it. They say the people at Human Resources has to change it. So I go in there today (to prove I'm a legal citizen after they lost my paperwork) and the lady says to do it on the computer. I get on the computer and the system is down. I call the insurance back asking them to correct it and they say no again! By this time human resources is closed and who knows what kind of bills I haven't been paying since I haven't gotten them. Seriously why are people so stupid! Can no one go out of their way to help another person these days? Do I not work in health care where we are supposed to help each other, but apparently my own company can't help me!
I'm irritated.
I guess the goals for this week could be...
Get my address changed.
DO NOT throw my phone while talking to the insurance company.
Get advice on pain control management.
Switch birth control.
Just Another Day
Well I don't think the therapy from the chiropractor is working. I seem to always end up in more pain than when I came in. I am not sure how many more sessions I have and since I paid all up front I can't really quit. I was really hoping it would help with circulation and such, but no such luck. I should have asked for a massage this week, but I was just trying to be strong and fight through the pain. I was kind of irritated when I left today because I was saying something about taking ibuprofen for pain and one of the trainers said no that will just mask the pain... REALLY?! Well no kidding! It will hopefully help. I guess that some people just don't understand. My poor liver is probably dying from the amount of ibuprofen I take. I'm pretty sure I take more than what I need for my weight yet the pain still is there.
I guess I'm just upset about a few other things and the chiropractor was the last place I wanted to go today.
I got in a fight with my insurance company. Gotta love that.
I opened up a can of worms when I went and talked to the counselor.
I am annoyed by the fact that every day I'm in some sort of pain. Physical, Emotional, Spiritual. It's always something.
I guess it is just back to reality.
Tomorrow is going to be another long stressful day. I hope I'm up for the challenge of another doctors appointment and driving around town.
On a positive note... I did yoga tonight. It wasn't too bad. I like the teacher from Tuesday nights better so I will hopefully feel up to going tomorrow too.
I need to set goals for this week, but I don't have any right now. Maybe I'll think of some tomorrow.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Staycation
What an AMAZING weekend I had!!! ♥
Friday evening Jamie and I ate like food was going out of style. We went and ate subs and then went to his coworkers house where they had cupcakes! It was like they KNEW I wanted cupcakes. The funny part about cupcakes is that I don't LOVE cupcakes, I like them. I have never craved a cupcake before, but going gluten free made me see cupcakes everywhere. (It doesn't help that I watch cupcake wars!) It was an enjoyable evening for sure! We then watched a movie and Jamie was having serious sugar cravings (from dieting) so we went on a sugar run. YUM! By the end of Friday I gained 3 pounds!!!!! I did have quite a bit of pain, but I'm positive it wasn't due to the gluten.
Saturday was the STAYCATION!!!! It was nice to relax in the pool and talk with my friends. I got to know things about people that I never knew before. Jamie and I went to get some water when some strange women was trying to take a picture of Jamie. I was rather shocked by this. I mean yes I know he is hot, but really you're going to take a picture? We went back to the pool and before long 2 ladies came up to us asking who was older between them. They were sisters and honestly I couldn't tell. At the same time we were talking to them the lady taking the picture swam up and asked if we were married? No. In a relationship. YES! She said, "Honestly, You guys are the hottest couple here!" She went on and on about how we compliment each other so well. It was rather sweet! Jamie and I immediately gave each other a high five! One of the older ladies flipped us off for being so cute. (Uh jealousy anyone?) Every time we saw someone from their group they would talk about us being hot. So here is a picture we took as evidence...
Yes, it's true we are hot!
We had so much fun goofing around and talking with people. It was a great way to take a break from the busy week I'll be having.
I am nervous about being back on gluten even though I don't know for sure if it was helping or not. I am nervous about all the tests coming up, but I know that's how I'm going to find answers. 4 doctors appointments in 4 days plus working and regular day to day things. I'm trying so hard to stay positive.
There is this new song that's out by Hot Chelle Ray called "Tonight, Tonight" in the song it says... "I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it." That is EXACTLY how I feel some days. Some days I don't know if I'll get through all this, but I can sure fake it. I fake a lot of the days away pretending to be pain free and happy. Oh the secret life I live.
I will keep on keepin on! I am blessed ♥
Friday, July 22, 2011
Randomness
I didn't sleep for to long last night. That would be why I'm going this early as opposed to late at night. I had so much to do today, but some of my plans have already fallen through. BOO! I wanted to get a spray tan for my staycation so I don't look completely ghostly white, but the lady only comes in at certain hours. Her hours today are 6:30-8. Seriously. SERIOUSLY!!!! I just want to punch someone because of course it would interfere with the rest of my life! Today was supposed to be fun and relaxing, but oh well. Maybe I'll attempt to go shopping, however I'm not feeling to skinny because I didn't sleep very long. Sleep helps you get skinny!
So now here I sit in bed with a heating pad to my right side, watching "Say Yes to the Dress", texting my sister and my long lost best friend, and blogging about nothing really.
Maybe I should nap since tonight and tomorrow are going to be BUSY BUSY! Tonight I will be eating gluten! It's been over 30 days of being 100% gluten free!!!! I was told after 30 days to try gluten to see if it is making a difference or not. I was REALLY thinking that it was working. I thought oh I feel so much better, but then it came time for that special time that happens once a month. Although I'm on meds so I don't ACTUALLY HAVE my period, I definitely still feel like I am. We will see after today that if my pain is more during the rest of the month or not.
Being GF (gluten free) was actually A LOT easier than I thought. What a good feeling it is to have completed 30 days + and I didn't even give in to all the tempting food at work. I think it was easy because I'm hoping it helped. The Jury is still out though.
Okay. I'm going to attempt to nap. This blog was full of randomness. That's ME!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Blessings
I figured that most people are starting to think that I'm negative all the time, but in all seriousness I'm actually quite comical and positive. It's been "raining" a lot on me lately, but I have on my rain boots and I'm playing in it.
I am very blessed in my life. I have a family that loves me! They would do anything for me any day of the week. Heavenly Father must have known what he was doing giving me them. Although they may not always love my choices, they love me and support me and NEVER EVER give up on me. What a blessing it is to have them all so close to me (except Aaron and Carrie who live in Colorado.) I enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews. They can bring a tear to my eye by just saying they love me. They have this pure everlasting love that blesses my life. They are my little angels. It is an amazing feeling to have them close to me. I recall a time after I had surgery and went to my parents and we had a family crisis. We all stepped into high gear and took care of each other. We decided to have a family prayer. We each went around and we each prayed. Hearing children pray for their brother and cousin really touches your heart. How could I not cry? How could I not believe in Heavenly Father? How could I not believe that he hears those small children just as much as he hears me? I'm pretty sure those small children's prayers had more faith than mine. They are so pure. They are such a blessing!
I'm so blessed! I'm blessed to have AMAZING parents. They do so much for me. My mom and dad go out of their way to make sure I'm okay through all of this nonsense! They recently came to pick me and my car up after my er experience. They spent all day with me waiting for my surgery. (I'm pretty sure after the surgery they got a good laugh at me.) Then, the next day, they managed to get me and my car back to their house all in one piece. My mom buys me gluten free flour and we make gluten free meals together. She is the only brave one who will try the new foods with me. She has driven countless hours to and from here to go to doctors appointments with me so I wouldn't be scared and she could ask questions. My Dad has given me so much. (Great, now I'm crying at work writing this!) One day I was having a hard time. My dad must have just known. He sent me a text with a song title saying to you from me. I listened to the song and cried. Whenever I am sad I listen to the song over and over again to make me feel a little closer to home. My dad makes ice cream for me or anyone else for that matter. He likes to pretend he doesn't love my dog Roxy, but I know he takes special care of her since I'm not there. Both my parents support me and love me. When I need something they will always be there. I am not the best child they ever had, but I'm the one that is the most different. I'm not married and they are totally excepting of that. They never push me. They gently guide.
Blessed am I! I am blessed to have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. They are all married and we make up a GREAT big family. Both my sisters are available for phone calls for any hours of the night. My brothers love to goof around with me and play football! My sisters listen and cry with me. They lead me by great examples. They make me laugh. Celissa sends me random packages in the mail. Elizabeth was up here and took me to lunch with her family. Ren often comes up here as well and usually tries to make a point to hang out with me. We are always goofing off and causing mischief. We love to play pranks on each other. Aaron lives a billion miles away it seems, but is always just a text away. I was out camping with some friends and I needed some help and he text back right away and let me know what I should do to get the food ready.
My life is blessed! I am so blessed to have Jamie in my life. He has been by my side through some of the worst things in my life. He was there when my pain first started up until today almost a year later when I still struggle with the pain. He has been in my life for over a year and a half and has been through a lot. Seriously I am not exaggerating. He deals with my yelling, crying, laughing, and so much more. I take a lot out on him and usually I realize it and say sorry. Even the times I don't say sorry he just takes it. He has worked so hard to understand everything that's going on. The minute I found out I have endo he googled it and started learning. He is always searching for answers. He is constantly trying to help me. What an amazing SELFLESS man. He gives so much of himself. He is truly a blessing in my life. I don't know how I could have come so far with out him. He has helped me become healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually. I remember a time when we sat down to dinner and he bowed his head quickly before he ate. I said, "Did you just pray?" He said, "Yeah." I was so shocked. I have never had a boyfriend to pray before every meal. What a great example that was to me. When I was in the ER he was at work and so he couldn't stay for long. Just before he hit the streets he took my hand, bowed his head, and told me to close my eyes. I of course peaked my eyes open to see him mouthing words. He was praying for me. Wow! What faith this man has!
I'm blessed to have friends who support me and worry about me!
I'm blessed to have a job.
I'm blessed to have a car.
I'm blessed to have a house.
I'm blessed to have food (well not currently... I've been working too much.)
I'm blessed to have clothes.
I'm blessed to have so many blessings!
I AM SO BLESSED to know I have a Father in Heaven who loves me so much. He knows my pain. He knows my joy. Sometimes it's very hard to remember this because the pain overcomes me and I feel empty and alone. But I'm not. NEVER EVER! I'm a daughter of God and he knows my name. He will never leave me alone. Never. Not once. I often feel his love in my life. When I look at my blessings how can I not see his love. He sends guardian angels to watch over me and give me lots of hugs. ****Thanks Tim and Aunt Norma and who ever else is out there watching over me**** I know with all my heart that He thinks I'm strong enough to handle, but I'm having a hard time trusting myself to be strong. Thank you for the blessings!!!
♥ ♥ ♥
I am very blessed in my life. I have a family that loves me! They would do anything for me any day of the week. Heavenly Father must have known what he was doing giving me them. Although they may not always love my choices, they love me and support me and NEVER EVER give up on me. What a blessing it is to have them all so close to me (except Aaron and Carrie who live in Colorado.) I enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews. They can bring a tear to my eye by just saying they love me. They have this pure everlasting love that blesses my life. They are my little angels. It is an amazing feeling to have them close to me. I recall a time after I had surgery and went to my parents and we had a family crisis. We all stepped into high gear and took care of each other. We decided to have a family prayer. We each went around and we each prayed. Hearing children pray for their brother and cousin really touches your heart. How could I not cry? How could I not believe in Heavenly Father? How could I not believe that he hears those small children just as much as he hears me? I'm pretty sure those small children's prayers had more faith than mine. They are so pure. They are such a blessing!
I'm so blessed! I'm blessed to have AMAZING parents. They do so much for me. My mom and dad go out of their way to make sure I'm okay through all of this nonsense! They recently came to pick me and my car up after my er experience. They spent all day with me waiting for my surgery. (I'm pretty sure after the surgery they got a good laugh at me.) Then, the next day, they managed to get me and my car back to their house all in one piece. My mom buys me gluten free flour and we make gluten free meals together. She is the only brave one who will try the new foods with me. She has driven countless hours to and from here to go to doctors appointments with me so I wouldn't be scared and she could ask questions. My Dad has given me so much. (Great, now I'm crying at work writing this!) One day I was having a hard time. My dad must have just known. He sent me a text with a song title saying to you from me. I listened to the song and cried. Whenever I am sad I listen to the song over and over again to make me feel a little closer to home. My dad makes ice cream for me or anyone else for that matter. He likes to pretend he doesn't love my dog Roxy, but I know he takes special care of her since I'm not there. Both my parents support me and love me. When I need something they will always be there. I am not the best child they ever had, but I'm the one that is the most different. I'm not married and they are totally excepting of that. They never push me. They gently guide.
Blessed am I! I am blessed to have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. They are all married and we make up a GREAT big family. Both my sisters are available for phone calls for any hours of the night. My brothers love to goof around with me and play football! My sisters listen and cry with me. They lead me by great examples. They make me laugh. Celissa sends me random packages in the mail. Elizabeth was up here and took me to lunch with her family. Ren often comes up here as well and usually tries to make a point to hang out with me. We are always goofing off and causing mischief. We love to play pranks on each other. Aaron lives a billion miles away it seems, but is always just a text away. I was out camping with some friends and I needed some help and he text back right away and let me know what I should do to get the food ready.
My life is blessed! I am so blessed to have Jamie in my life. He has been by my side through some of the worst things in my life. He was there when my pain first started up until today almost a year later when I still struggle with the pain. He has been in my life for over a year and a half and has been through a lot. Seriously I am not exaggerating. He deals with my yelling, crying, laughing, and so much more. I take a lot out on him and usually I realize it and say sorry. Even the times I don't say sorry he just takes it. He has worked so hard to understand everything that's going on. The minute I found out I have endo he googled it and started learning. He is always searching for answers. He is constantly trying to help me. What an amazing SELFLESS man. He gives so much of himself. He is truly a blessing in my life. I don't know how I could have come so far with out him. He has helped me become healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually. I remember a time when we sat down to dinner and he bowed his head quickly before he ate. I said, "Did you just pray?" He said, "Yeah." I was so shocked. I have never had a boyfriend to pray before every meal. What a great example that was to me. When I was in the ER he was at work and so he couldn't stay for long. Just before he hit the streets he took my hand, bowed his head, and told me to close my eyes. I of course peaked my eyes open to see him mouthing words. He was praying for me. Wow! What faith this man has!
I'm blessed to have friends who support me and worry about me!
I'm blessed to have a job.
I'm blessed to have a car.
I'm blessed to have a house.
I'm blessed to have food (well not currently... I've been working too much.)
I'm blessed to have clothes.
I'm blessed to have so many blessings!
I AM SO BLESSED to know I have a Father in Heaven who loves me so much. He knows my pain. He knows my joy. Sometimes it's very hard to remember this because the pain overcomes me and I feel empty and alone. But I'm not. NEVER EVER! I'm a daughter of God and he knows my name. He will never leave me alone. Never. Not once. I often feel his love in my life. When I look at my blessings how can I not see his love. He sends guardian angels to watch over me and give me lots of hugs. ****Thanks Tim and Aunt Norma and who ever else is out there watching over me**** I know with all my heart that He thinks I'm strong enough to handle, but I'm having a hard time trusting myself to be strong. Thank you for the blessings!!!
♥ ♥ ♥
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Cardiologist
Last night I worked. I was supposed to work until 7 am, but they had to send someone home and it was my turn. I wasn't too excited about that, but I went to Jamie's and we watched "Letters to God." It was a great movie. I cried of course and asked Jamie what he was thinking making me watch that, but it was a great movie.
When I was at work I was talking to a friend about me being scared about going alone to this appointment. She asked why I hadn't asked Jamie to come with me. I told her because I bet he will say no because he works Tuesday night and needs sleep. I figured what do I have to lose and I asked him. He said he would go. I started crying. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't as scared anymore and I knew I could do this.
The appointment was at 8 and of course I didn't get back until 8:30. I was strange. I had to do an EKG (which shows my heart rhythm). Then I was taken into Dr. S.'s office where it was covered in plaques and recognitions. We waited for him for about 10 min. His desk was wooden and beautiful with a cup of coffee in a U of A cup (-1 point for him for liking U of A) He had pictures of his daughters behind him which I thought was awesome. I knew Dr. S. was an older man and when he walked in I was right. I had seen a head shot of him and I thought he would be a short man with a gut.... I was SO wrong. Yes he was older, but he was TALL and slender.
He asked me some basic information about my family and about my lifestyle. I told him about my weight loss and about going to the gym. I told him about my family and all that jazz.
We went back into the exam room. I don't understand why they make the rooms so bloody cold and then they want you to change into this stupid paper gown! My toes were turning purple it was so cold and I was shivering. Finally he made his way into the room. He did his voice charting in front of me which I thought was actually pretty cool. He even said I was a pleasant 22 year old. (thank you for noticing my awesomeness!) He then asked me again about my weight loss and I told him I'm done losing weight and I'm okay where I am now. He told me, "You are the skinniest person I will see all month. You my dear, don't need to lose anymore weight. You are at 21 BMI. Do you know how many people that are at that? 1% that's how many!" I told him thank you and I confirmed again I was happy. I was really thinking... I've gained 2 pounds in a week. What would he said a few weeks ago when I weighed 120 instead of now 123. I hate weight gain. I'm so irritated.
I digress.... He listened to my heart. Heard the murmur. Said we would do a ECG (an ultrasound to see the murmur), a holter monitor (I wear a heart monitor for 24 hours), and blood work. This makes for an EXTREMELY busy next week. 4 Dr's appointments in 4 days. I might go crazy, just so you know, but I will make it through all this and get some answers. Oh by the way. He said he doesn't think my birth control has anything to do with it, but I think I would feel more comfortable with switching it just in case.
By the end of the day my body was "attacking" me. My endo is pissed at me because it's supposed to by my period. My heart keeps doing strange things too. My poor body needs a rest.
Staycation this weekend. (although by this weekend I'll probably weight 130!) (Sorry I'm just angry. I know 130 is fine, but I've done so much work it would be nice to STAY where I'm at for a month at least!!!!!!!!!!) It will be nice to relax and hang out for a bit.
Okay I have to get ready for work... Actually wait... I have one more thing on my mind. People... I didn't lose my weight by being anorexic or bulimic, I worked extremely hard at the gym and watched diligently to my food. Stop asking me if I'm anorexic. It's not funny anymore. I eat. I ate A LOT, I just eat things that are better than pizza and donuts. And I'm gaining it back because I haven't gone to the gym in a while. I forgot to ask the Dr. about that. He did ask about my activity level. I told him I am pretty active. Jamie said he thinks that the Dr. thinks I've still been going to the gym. I guess I should have specified.
Now I'm going to work.
xoxo
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Too Scared
My oldest sister Celissa was talking to me today about my blog. I told her I didn't have anything to say because I said it all yesterday. Well I lied.
I just realized that currently my life revolves around me being too scared.
I'm scared to get stressed out or excercise for fear my heart will hurt me.
I'm scared I'll gain all the weight I lost because I can't excersice and I have low thyroid.
I'm scared to have my period because I know it will hurt me.
I'm scared to go to the Dr because they may not have all the answers.
I'm scared of the dark because that means I'm alone.
I'm scared to wake up because that means it's another day of being scared and not knowing how the day will be health wise.
I'm scared to keep taking my birth control because it could be reaking havoc on my heart and hormones.
I'm scared that my endo is growing inside of me.
I'm scared that I will never have a baby to hold and call my own.
I'm scared of the thought of moving on from Jamie.
I'm scared that this sounds completely crazy to every normal person out there.
I'm scared that the Drs will tell me I'm fine when I don't feel fine.
I'm scared to go to the Cardiologist alone because what if I forget something or I don't remember everything.
I'm scared to be single because how do I deal with everything with no one to lean on (literally)
I feel alone with my own emotions. I mean seriously how am I even supposed to convey my feelings to people when I have things wrong that are not seen by phycially looking at me. I feel like a nut case. I'm not though. I SWEAR. Okay just a little, but isn't everyone. When I tell people about my heart they try and tell me that it is just anxiety, but I don't feel anxious. I feel like it's beating out of my CHEST! I feel like I can't breathe and that I want to pass out. When I tell people about my endo they just shut off because they don't want to hear about that. It's awkward. HELLO! I deal with it every day how awkward is that? You want to know awkward... When you are at the gym and all the sudden you are bent over crying. Now THAT IS awkward. Or how about when you are at dinner and you have to tell your date (Jamie) not to get up from the table because you're not ready to move. Or this is the best when you are at work and you go sheet white and have sit down in the middle of a prodecure because either your heart hurts or your side. I mean take your pick.
I have good days and bad days. And then in each day I have bad moments and good. It's like an emotional rollercoaster. A physical yo-yo. A mental round-a-bout.
I am trying to be strong and everyone just keeps saying to be strong. How would you like me to be strong? How can I be stronger? I'm dealing with all this aren't I?! I'm still working, going to Dr's appointments, sleeping, and such all by myself. I don't ask for help. I do it all by myself. I do my best every DAY. I want to be better. I do. Clearly I am trying to be better and work through these hard times. I know I can do it, but cut me some slack. I try my best to just not cry every day. Sometimes I just think this is way to much for me. But I don't give up. I keep fighting. I keep searching for answers or new ways that might help me. Each day is a challenge for me to cope and to be positive.
My only wish right now is that I wasn't basing my day-to-day things around being scared of EVERYTHING. It's trapped me in.
My Goals for this week include...
Cardiologist appointment. GET ANSWERS!!!! (heart murmur, palpitations, pain, short of breath)
Going back to the gym. (please let me back be able to go back!)
STAYCATION ♥ (I need to relax. I need a time out.)
Supporting Jamie in his show (keep your fingers crossed he can push through and come in tight)
I just realized that currently my life revolves around me being too scared.
I'm scared to get stressed out or excercise for fear my heart will hurt me.
I'm scared I'll gain all the weight I lost because I can't excersice and I have low thyroid.
I'm scared to have my period because I know it will hurt me.
I'm scared to go to the Dr because they may not have all the answers.
I'm scared of the dark because that means I'm alone.
I'm scared to wake up because that means it's another day of being scared and not knowing how the day will be health wise.
I'm scared to keep taking my birth control because it could be reaking havoc on my heart and hormones.
I'm scared that my endo is growing inside of me.
I'm scared that I will never have a baby to hold and call my own.
I'm scared of the thought of moving on from Jamie.
I'm scared that this sounds completely crazy to every normal person out there.
I'm scared that the Drs will tell me I'm fine when I don't feel fine.
I'm scared to go to the Cardiologist alone because what if I forget something or I don't remember everything.
I'm scared to be single because how do I deal with everything with no one to lean on (literally)
I feel alone with my own emotions. I mean seriously how am I even supposed to convey my feelings to people when I have things wrong that are not seen by phycially looking at me. I feel like a nut case. I'm not though. I SWEAR. Okay just a little, but isn't everyone. When I tell people about my heart they try and tell me that it is just anxiety, but I don't feel anxious. I feel like it's beating out of my CHEST! I feel like I can't breathe and that I want to pass out. When I tell people about my endo they just shut off because they don't want to hear about that. It's awkward. HELLO! I deal with it every day how awkward is that? You want to know awkward... When you are at the gym and all the sudden you are bent over crying. Now THAT IS awkward. Or how about when you are at dinner and you have to tell your date (Jamie) not to get up from the table because you're not ready to move. Or this is the best when you are at work and you go sheet white and have sit down in the middle of a prodecure because either your heart hurts or your side. I mean take your pick.
I have good days and bad days. And then in each day I have bad moments and good. It's like an emotional rollercoaster. A physical yo-yo. A mental round-a-bout.
I am trying to be strong and everyone just keeps saying to be strong. How would you like me to be strong? How can I be stronger? I'm dealing with all this aren't I?! I'm still working, going to Dr's appointments, sleeping, and such all by myself. I don't ask for help. I do it all by myself. I do my best every DAY. I want to be better. I do. Clearly I am trying to be better and work through these hard times. I know I can do it, but cut me some slack. I try my best to just not cry every day. Sometimes I just think this is way to much for me. But I don't give up. I keep fighting. I keep searching for answers or new ways that might help me. Each day is a challenge for me to cope and to be positive.
My only wish right now is that I wasn't basing my day-to-day things around being scared of EVERYTHING. It's trapped me in.
My Goals for this week include...
Cardiologist appointment. GET ANSWERS!!!! (heart murmur, palpitations, pain, short of breath)
Going back to the gym. (please let me back be able to go back!)
STAYCATION ♥ (I need to relax. I need a time out.)
Supporting Jamie in his show (keep your fingers crossed he can push through and come in tight)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
3 posts in one night...
Seriously... I currently have an addiction. I might need a recovery program. I do have about 10 other programs I'm in so why not add one to recover from blogging addiction.
I've been reading blogs from AMAZING women that suffer from Endometriosis. Both of the blogs I've been reading within the last 2 hours are women who are married. One is pregnant for the 2nd time. The first was born at 18 weeks and was needed in Heaven more than Earth. She is due with her second in just a few weeks. This is her blog. The next blog I've been reading is a women who since March has been dealing with everything that endo throws at here. This is her blog.
I wish I knew her real name, but Warrior Women, the writer of blog #2, put this in her blog and I TOTALLY agree with her. I seriously almost jumped out of my chair screaming!!!!
"But the thing is, with endometriosis comes this amazing superpower. I think Marvel comics should really think about including this into their collection. When absolutely necessary, those of us with endo can find this incredible strength in us to be as normal as possible. So much so that if you didn't know, there was no way to tell that something was wrong." She was talking about a wedding she went to for a friend in this post. That's just so true. I love knowing that someone else out there gets it. Not that you guys reading this don't get it.... She just understands it more.
In some of her other posts she talks about the Dr's urgency for her to hurry and get pregnant which is really stressful. As I read that I wonder if my Dr really wants me to get pregnant too. I mean yes both GYNs I've been too have brought it up, but do they mean business? Getting pregnant seems so crazy to me right now. I'm not even ANYWHERE near marriage much less kids. I have so much I want to do before then. I don't want to rush into a marriage just so I can pop out some kids. That is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard of or thought of in my entire life of living!
So here I am at 4 am Saturday, July 16, 2011 eating strawberries and bananas wondering what the Dr is going to tell me at the end of the month. OOOOHHHH I need to tell you guys something...
I've been going to the chiropractor. I am doing physical therapy and have had a massage the past 2 weeks. However deciding to do this came at a bad time. July looks like this for me...
16-work
17-off
18-Pt then work
19-8 am cardiologist appointment right after work then I work that night
20-Pt then work
21-work meeting after working the night before then I come back at 3 to work some OT (can you say no SLEEP)
22- pt and catch up on sleep
23-staycation and bodybuilding show
24-sleep (YAY!)
25-appointment with a counselor to see if I can find different ways of coping
26 & 27- 2 days of nothing besides Pt!!!!
28-GYN appointment followed by work
29-Pt and Work
30-Work
31-Wow the month is OVER!
Okay so when I write it out day to day it doesn't seem THAT bad to me. Pt 3 times a week. 3 different Dr's. I'm sure that the Cardiologist will want to schedule some testing on my heart because that's the whole point of going! So that will have to be fit in somewhere. Hopefully by the end of the month I will have a lot more answers than I have now.
I don't know if I've said this before or not, but I'm concerned that the birth control that I'm taking is causing my heart to do silly things. If I come off the birth control it will cause me to have issues with my endometriosis. I am having a lot more issues with my endo than I'm willing to admit on this blog. Just like Warrior Women said... You become strong to hide the truth. No one REALLY wants to hear the truth. People don't like to talk about endo because well HELLO it deals with women parts, periods, and sex.
Another thing I know for SURE I haven't been talking much about it me being GLUTEN FREE FOR 30 DAYS!!!!!! Yes I did it! I did eat red vines one day with out checking and of course those are made with wheat flour. Oh and... these veggie chips have wheat in them too. I'm going to continue to be GF until the 23rd when Jamie comes off his diet so we can go to dinner after and seriously PIG OUT! (okay not pig out, but kind of pig out) I really want that DANG piece of bread with butter on it that has been dancing around in my head for the last month! Oh and pizza and a sub sandwich from Fire House Subs!!!!
Apparently at 4 am I feel inclined to share EVERYTHING about me... One more thing... Since my heart issues I haven't been seriously working out. I went to Yoga on Tuesday, but I'm SERIOUSLY itching to get back into the gym. How am I even supposed to maintain my weight if I can't go to the gym? I'm eating healthy still, but I have a low thyroid level (found out in the ER) and that means my body doesn't metabolize fat as easily. The ER Dr. that I LOVE told me he sees that a lot in women with endo. Hmmm that is interesting to me.
I think I've shared enough. I better stop blogging for tonight. I'm sure if I think of something else I'll just blog again! HA!
Thanks again for all the support. I need it now more than ever.
I've been reading blogs from AMAZING women that suffer from Endometriosis. Both of the blogs I've been reading within the last 2 hours are women who are married. One is pregnant for the 2nd time. The first was born at 18 weeks and was needed in Heaven more than Earth. She is due with her second in just a few weeks. This is her blog. The next blog I've been reading is a women who since March has been dealing with everything that endo throws at here. This is her blog.
I wish I knew her real name, but Warrior Women, the writer of blog #2, put this in her blog and I TOTALLY agree with her. I seriously almost jumped out of my chair screaming!!!!
"But the thing is, with endometriosis comes this amazing superpower. I think Marvel comics should really think about including this into their collection. When absolutely necessary, those of us with endo can find this incredible strength in us to be as normal as possible. So much so that if you didn't know, there was no way to tell that something was wrong." She was talking about a wedding she went to for a friend in this post. That's just so true. I love knowing that someone else out there gets it. Not that you guys reading this don't get it.... She just understands it more.
In some of her other posts she talks about the Dr's urgency for her to hurry and get pregnant which is really stressful. As I read that I wonder if my Dr really wants me to get pregnant too. I mean yes both GYNs I've been too have brought it up, but do they mean business? Getting pregnant seems so crazy to me right now. I'm not even ANYWHERE near marriage much less kids. I have so much I want to do before then. I don't want to rush into a marriage just so I can pop out some kids. That is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard of or thought of in my entire life of living!
So here I am at 4 am Saturday, July 16, 2011 eating strawberries and bananas wondering what the Dr is going to tell me at the end of the month. OOOOHHHH I need to tell you guys something...
I've been going to the chiropractor. I am doing physical therapy and have had a massage the past 2 weeks. However deciding to do this came at a bad time. July looks like this for me...
16-work
17-off
18-Pt then work
19-8 am cardiologist appointment right after work then I work that night
20-Pt then work
21-work meeting after working the night before then I come back at 3 to work some OT (can you say no SLEEP)
22- pt and catch up on sleep
23-staycation and bodybuilding show
24-sleep (YAY!)
25-appointment with a counselor to see if I can find different ways of coping
26 & 27- 2 days of nothing besides Pt!!!!
28-GYN appointment followed by work
29-Pt and Work
30-Work
31-Wow the month is OVER!
Okay so when I write it out day to day it doesn't seem THAT bad to me. Pt 3 times a week. 3 different Dr's. I'm sure that the Cardiologist will want to schedule some testing on my heart because that's the whole point of going! So that will have to be fit in somewhere. Hopefully by the end of the month I will have a lot more answers than I have now.
I don't know if I've said this before or not, but I'm concerned that the birth control that I'm taking is causing my heart to do silly things. If I come off the birth control it will cause me to have issues with my endometriosis. I am having a lot more issues with my endo than I'm willing to admit on this blog. Just like Warrior Women said... You become strong to hide the truth. No one REALLY wants to hear the truth. People don't like to talk about endo because well HELLO it deals with women parts, periods, and sex.
Another thing I know for SURE I haven't been talking much about it me being GLUTEN FREE FOR 30 DAYS!!!!!! Yes I did it! I did eat red vines one day with out checking and of course those are made with wheat flour. Oh and... these veggie chips have wheat in them too. I'm going to continue to be GF until the 23rd when Jamie comes off his diet so we can go to dinner after and seriously PIG OUT! (okay not pig out, but kind of pig out) I really want that DANG piece of bread with butter on it that has been dancing around in my head for the last month! Oh and pizza and a sub sandwich from Fire House Subs!!!!
Apparently at 4 am I feel inclined to share EVERYTHING about me... One more thing... Since my heart issues I haven't been seriously working out. I went to Yoga on Tuesday, but I'm SERIOUSLY itching to get back into the gym. How am I even supposed to maintain my weight if I can't go to the gym? I'm eating healthy still, but I have a low thyroid level (found out in the ER) and that means my body doesn't metabolize fat as easily. The ER Dr. that I LOVE told me he sees that a lot in women with endo. Hmmm that is interesting to me.
I think I've shared enough. I better stop blogging for tonight. I'm sure if I think of something else I'll just blog again! HA!
Thanks again for all the support. I need it now more than ever.
Family Renion/ FHE Eternal Families
Last week we had a "family reunion" that wasn't really because Aaron and Carrie live in Colorado and Elizabeth and Andrew were with their family with Josiah (my nephew) who was having surgery to get his tonsils out.
We had a fun weekend. I planned to camp out on the mountain, but it was closed due to the weather. So I was going to camp in my parents yard, but that was closed due to my heart issues. (my parents didn't want me to have added stress over staying with the kids in the tent with no other adults.)
Saturday morning we had breakfast together. It was breakfast burritos, pancakes, and fruit. It was delicious! When my nieces and nephews came in they each gave me the biggest hugs and of course the wettest kisses on the cheek! Some of them even told me how much they missed me. They make me feel so loved.
Later we had a slip-n-slide and water wars in the back yard and dinner. It was fun to watch the young kids learn how to slip-n-slide. I did play because I wasn't going to miss the fun on what I helped plan! The poor dogs wouldn't come near us for fear we would spray them... I guess that was smart of them.
Sunday the Turley's (Elizabeth and Andrew) came home. I was so excited to see little Josiah doing well. I hated that I wasn't right there. I want to know first hand what is going on with my nieces and nephews. Avery and Josiah followed suit and gave me lots of love and were excited to see me as well. We all talked to my parents for a bit and then we all departed to get ready for church.
After church we ate ice cream on behalf of Josiah. Poor Josiah... He wanted some, but he just stirred it because it hurt to bad to swallow it. We even let him sit on grandma's new couches to tempt him to eat it, but nothing. I did share my ice cream with my niece that is almost 2 because that's what the favorite aunt does!
Monday I went to Elizabeth's house (she lives like 50-75 yards away from my parents) to see how the little Josiah was doing. I convinced him to drink some root beer out of a syringe (he loved to do it all by himself. That was the only way my sister was getting him to drink) and to take some licks of a green Popsicle because green is the fav color among Bryce grand kids. (John Deere green mind you!) I went shopping with my sister and bought a cute dress to wear over my swim suit.
Family Home Evening (FHE).... I was really nervous for this. I decided I wanted to plan a big family home evening including all the families. I talked to my mom and dad about my ideas and they helped me make them come to life.
We started by singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" (is that the real name... I don't know)
Then for the activity... Each family was given a card with a location outside and a color. They were to follow each cards instructions and go on a "scavenger" hunt. The cards were life choices. One said "You had family prayers move on to the_____ (another location).) The next one said "Oh no someone hit their brother or sister. You are now off track, but move on to _____.) Next said something along the lines of repent and go back to get back on track. Next, " You said sorry and said your prayers. Go to _____." Last "Heavenly Father is happy when we do what is right. When we make good choices we can go to the Celestial Kingdom. Go to ___ to enter into the Celestial Kingdom." Our "Heaven" included ice cream (OF COURSE) and family! Once we came back inside we talked about how we all go down different paths and how it is important to make good choices so we can be with our families forever!
Refreshments, of course, included ice cream and various toppings. I considered making brownies, but because of my gluten free status, I didn't want to be tempted.
Overall it turned out pretty much fabulous. It was fun to have most of my family there. It did feel weird not to have Aaron and Carrie there, but that's the part of the lesson where everyone goes down different paths in different directions, but we all will end up together in the end!
I am blessed to have a family here on Earth that loves me for who I am and holds me close, but gives me enough space to spread my wings. Heavenly Father knew I couldn't do it with out family so he made sure I came from a big one! Each member of my family is so different. Sure we have things in common, but wow we are different. I love my family! I love being an aunt of the cutest kids in the PLANET!!!! 10 plus 2 on the way!
Bryce Family = AMAZING!
We had a fun weekend. I planned to camp out on the mountain, but it was closed due to the weather. So I was going to camp in my parents yard, but that was closed due to my heart issues. (my parents didn't want me to have added stress over staying with the kids in the tent with no other adults.)
Saturday morning we had breakfast together. It was breakfast burritos, pancakes, and fruit. It was delicious! When my nieces and nephews came in they each gave me the biggest hugs and of course the wettest kisses on the cheek! Some of them even told me how much they missed me. They make me feel so loved.
Later we had a slip-n-slide and water wars in the back yard and dinner. It was fun to watch the young kids learn how to slip-n-slide. I did play because I wasn't going to miss the fun on what I helped plan! The poor dogs wouldn't come near us for fear we would spray them... I guess that was smart of them.
Sunday the Turley's (Elizabeth and Andrew) came home. I was so excited to see little Josiah doing well. I hated that I wasn't right there. I want to know first hand what is going on with my nieces and nephews. Avery and Josiah followed suit and gave me lots of love and were excited to see me as well. We all talked to my parents for a bit and then we all departed to get ready for church.
After church we ate ice cream on behalf of Josiah. Poor Josiah... He wanted some, but he just stirred it because it hurt to bad to swallow it. We even let him sit on grandma's new couches to tempt him to eat it, but nothing. I did share my ice cream with my niece that is almost 2 because that's what the favorite aunt does!
Monday I went to Elizabeth's house (she lives like 50-75 yards away from my parents) to see how the little Josiah was doing. I convinced him to drink some root beer out of a syringe (he loved to do it all by himself. That was the only way my sister was getting him to drink) and to take some licks of a green Popsicle because green is the fav color among Bryce grand kids. (John Deere green mind you!) I went shopping with my sister and bought a cute dress to wear over my swim suit.
Family Home Evening (FHE).... I was really nervous for this. I decided I wanted to plan a big family home evening including all the families. I talked to my mom and dad about my ideas and they helped me make them come to life.
We started by singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" (is that the real name... I don't know)
Then for the activity... Each family was given a card with a location outside and a color. They were to follow each cards instructions and go on a "scavenger" hunt. The cards were life choices. One said "You had family prayers move on to the_____ (another location).) The next one said "Oh no someone hit their brother or sister. You are now off track, but move on to _____.) Next said something along the lines of repent and go back to get back on track. Next, " You said sorry and said your prayers. Go to _____." Last "Heavenly Father is happy when we do what is right. When we make good choices we can go to the Celestial Kingdom. Go to ___ to enter into the Celestial Kingdom." Our "Heaven" included ice cream (OF COURSE) and family! Once we came back inside we talked about how we all go down different paths and how it is important to make good choices so we can be with our families forever!
Refreshments, of course, included ice cream and various toppings. I considered making brownies, but because of my gluten free status, I didn't want to be tempted.
Overall it turned out pretty much fabulous. It was fun to have most of my family there. It did feel weird not to have Aaron and Carrie there, but that's the part of the lesson where everyone goes down different paths in different directions, but we all will end up together in the end!
I am blessed to have a family here on Earth that loves me for who I am and holds me close, but gives me enough space to spread my wings. Heavenly Father knew I couldn't do it with out family so he made sure I came from a big one! Each member of my family is so different. Sure we have things in common, but wow we are different. I love my family! I love being an aunt of the cutest kids in the PLANET!!!! 10 plus 2 on the way!
Bryce Family = AMAZING!
An OMG Moment in Blogging
I was recently looking at how many views I had on my blog. In June 373 people looked at my blog! OH MY GOSH!!!!!
I do realize that mostly that is because I reel them in with clever sayings on facebook to get them to read it. Only 5 people currently follow my blog which is kind of sad, but I realize that a lot of people, like my mother, don't have a blog therefore can't "follow" me.
I do realize that I don't have an interesting life filled with cute kids and I don't really have clever ideas on life. I just talk about my life. I do suppose my life is kind of interesting and well I do have some fun.
For those of you who read my blog... THANK YOU! Whether you're stocking me secretly or openly following along YOU ROCK!!!!!
Thank you all for your support and just seeing that people read about me makes me feel loved and not so alone.
I do realize that mostly that is because I reel them in with clever sayings on facebook to get them to read it. Only 5 people currently follow my blog which is kind of sad, but I realize that a lot of people, like my mother, don't have a blog therefore can't "follow" me.
I do realize that I don't have an interesting life filled with cute kids and I don't really have clever ideas on life. I just talk about my life. I do suppose my life is kind of interesting and well I do have some fun.
For those of you who read my blog... THANK YOU! Whether you're stocking me secretly or openly following along YOU ROCK!!!!!
Thank you all for your support and just seeing that people read about me makes me feel loved and not so alone.
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Point Game
So with the recent attempts to make healthier lifestyle choice I developed this little game for my sisters that live in AZ and my mom to play with me. It's not really anything too hard, but believe me it's harder for me than it looks!
It's played like this...
1 point for saying your prayers
1 point for reading your scriptures or the Ensign
1 point for drinking 2 liters or more water a day
1 point for exercising over 20 min
1 point for eating healthy
-1 point for sugary substances and/or anything you feel you shouldn't be eating
You can only get 5 points in a day, but you can lose as many as you want.
Seriously the sugary one gets me EVERY TIME!
When you get 15 points you can get a milkshake or a special treat with no -1
First person to 100 lets everyone know. We total our points and the person with the least buys the person at 100 lunch or dinner.
I need to devise a better way to track my points. I made calenders, but since I have a Mac it doesn't open... It could be because I don't have the proper agent to open with. <<
This game is a way to get people thinking a little healthier. Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally.
When I first was saying the rules everyone was going CRAZY because there wasn't set in stone you must do this to get a point. If you feel you deserve that point then by all means you get that point. Everyone is at different places in life so if you feel like you get the point for reading 10 chapters in the scriptures then by all means have it. If you feel like opening up the book gets you the point then there you go. It's not really meant to be a competition with others, but with yourself.
Just thought I would share the fun. Maybe you want to start playing it with people around you. I wish I knew a way to incorporate all the girls in my family, but they don't all live in the same state.
PS... I'm writing this mostly because I'm about to fall asleep at work and I need something to keep my mind working!
xoxo!
PSS. Staycation on the 23rd!!!! yahoo!
PSSSSSSSSSSS. I am not doing the show, but Jamie is still training. It's on the 23rd as well. I hope his hard work pays off. He has worked so hard and looks great!
It's played like this...
1 point for saying your prayers
1 point for reading your scriptures or the Ensign
1 point for drinking 2 liters or more water a day
1 point for exercising over 20 min
1 point for eating healthy
-1 point for sugary substances and/or anything you feel you shouldn't be eating
You can only get 5 points in a day, but you can lose as many as you want.
Seriously the sugary one gets me EVERY TIME!
When you get 15 points you can get a milkshake or a special treat with no -1
First person to 100 lets everyone know. We total our points and the person with the least buys the person at 100 lunch or dinner.
I need to devise a better way to track my points. I made calenders, but since I have a Mac it doesn't open... It could be because I don't have the proper agent to open with. <<
This game is a way to get people thinking a little healthier. Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally.
When I first was saying the rules everyone was going CRAZY because there wasn't set in stone you must do this to get a point. If you feel you deserve that point then by all means you get that point. Everyone is at different places in life so if you feel like you get the point for reading 10 chapters in the scriptures then by all means have it. If you feel like opening up the book gets you the point then there you go. It's not really meant to be a competition with others, but with yourself.
Just thought I would share the fun. Maybe you want to start playing it with people around you. I wish I knew a way to incorporate all the girls in my family, but they don't all live in the same state.
PS... I'm writing this mostly because I'm about to fall asleep at work and I need something to keep my mind working!
xoxo!
PSS. Staycation on the 23rd!!!! yahoo!
PSSSSSSSSSSS. I am not doing the show, but Jamie is still training. It's on the 23rd as well. I hope his hard work pays off. He has worked so hard and looks great!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
A Million Emotions in a Day
Tuesday, I came back to real life in the city. When I woke up I was not thrilled about coming back to my house. I was not thrilled at all. I considered never coming back, but then I knew I had too. I think Heavenly Father definitely knows us for sure. As I started my drive back I was very angry at him. I know that I'm strong enough to handle all this crap I'm going through, but let me tell you something... I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG. Why can't someone else be strong? Can someone else be the strong one?
As I started to cry I began to have this overwhelming feeling of love!
I decided that I needed to turn on a cd to help me feel better.
Now it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all
Boring the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all
Ain’t no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain’t no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don’t go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens
No complicated meaning
Ain’t no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don’t go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens
Thank you Sugarland - "It happens"
So I need to work on letting go laughing. Yes, I do have a ton of stress, but I need to laugh. I need to laugh a lot.
Next I decided to put in a cd I hadn't listened to in a couple of years. This is what I heard...
Next I decided to put in a cd I hadn't listened to in a couple of years. This is what I heard...
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Thank you Rascal Flatts- "Unstoppable"
I can do impossible things when the Lord is on my side. I need to have more faith that I can be healed emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I do need to take back the things that have been taken away from me. I can do this.
I went to my primary doctor today to get a referral to the cardiologist. I saw the PA and just as I thought they had no answers for me. Which is very frustrating, but I know I have 2 specialty Dr's that do have answers.
I went to Yoga because I wanted to go to the gym so bad, but knew until I get things sorted out I shouldn't be elevating my heart rate.
Today, Wednesday, (sorry I wrote this in two days) I am working some over time which is great since I could use the extra money for all my lovely bills. I woke up happy and blessed. I know there are plenty of people that have it worse and I pray for them. It's hard to have trials because it's hard to be strong especially when you you're family lives a few hours away and you often feel alone. THINGS WILL GET BETTER. I just need to not believe they will, but KNOW they will.
Next Wednesday I have an appointment with the cardiologist. And the following week with 2 more people. What a great time I'm having. I guess it's just practice for when I'm a mom!
xoxo!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Only the good die young, I'm not good, so I'm not dying!
I've probably said that phrase like a million times in the past 2 days.
For a few months now I have been having heart palpitations. I always just blamed it on stress and ignored it. I never had pain with the palpitations so Thursday when I had pain I got scared. Not only pain, but a racing heart. So fast I couldn't count, but by the time I went to my room to look at a clock it had stopped. I continued through my day and I could feel it keep racing and pain. I called my Dr. around 6:30 and she told me she was concerned about a PE (no not the gym class) Pulmonary embolism or also known as a blood clot in my lungs, and or heart. I just ignored her and went to work. Yes I went to work. Hello I work in an ER. Best place to be if something happens! I kept having pain and couldn't convince myself that I needed to go in. In fact when I did check in around 11:30 pm I felt pretty stupid about it. I was able to see a Dr. that I know and he is so sweet to me. They did the usual of ekg (to see if my heart is okay) iv (for blood work and easy access for meds), blood work(check all kinds of levels to see if maybe it was my electrolytes), maintenance fluids(just a good measure), and hooked me up to the monitor(to keep me on watch.)
The Dr. told me he heard a murmur and that could cause palpitations and pain, and that if the blood work came back negative for a clot then no ct scan would be necessary. So later after the blood work came back and said it's negative, but we will do a chest x ray to see the size of your heart. Away to x ray I went. Which, may I just say, is always awkward when you are barely clothed and you know the people working with you! The Dr. came in said everything was good. Was going to have me follow up with the cardiologist out patient and I was about to be home free just in time to eat. As the Dr. is writing up discharge paper work it happens again. The pain and elevated rate. It didn't get to high thankfully, but the pain was a lot and I my heart rate had doubled. I didn't want to press the call button, in fact I didn't for a bit, but finally I did. The nurse and Dr responded pretty quick and assessed the situation. They did another ekg and gave me some meds to help me calm down because I was pretty scared too. The meds helped to calm me down, but I still had the pain on and off and because of all this i had the ct scan done just for good measures. Everything came back fabulous of course. However... the Dr had me stay for a while because he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again and if it did he wanted to catch it better on the monitor. He called the cardiologist and talked about a treatment plan. Lucky for me they decided NOT to keep me to have some more tests done, but I do have to follow up next week. My biggest fear in all this was that I would miss my family reunion that I had planned. I wasn't going to let that happen! They finally let me go at about 6:45. Oh did I mention that I didn't call my parents until about 5 am. I'm not sure if they were happy or upset about that. My coworkers and Jamie all came in to check on me ever so often. They were my family that night.
My parents came to my house around 10:30 and picked me and my car up and took me back home so I could be safe and take it easy. So here I am. At my parents, Roxy at my feet, a blanket around me, and I couldn't be happier. Yes, I am okay. I do keep having random pains, but it must be nothing since they didn't find anything. I will just wait to see what the Cardiologist says next week. Plenty of people live with murmurs and they are fine, oh and did I mention that sometimes birth control could be the cause of palpitations. HA! Sweet one disease is trying to kill me off with it's way of keeping my endo under control.
Like I said... Only the good die young, I'm not good, so I'm not dying! I love you all and it's great to be home!!!!
For a few months now I have been having heart palpitations. I always just blamed it on stress and ignored it. I never had pain with the palpitations so Thursday when I had pain I got scared. Not only pain, but a racing heart. So fast I couldn't count, but by the time I went to my room to look at a clock it had stopped. I continued through my day and I could feel it keep racing and pain. I called my Dr. around 6:30 and she told me she was concerned about a PE (no not the gym class) Pulmonary embolism or also known as a blood clot in my lungs, and or heart. I just ignored her and went to work. Yes I went to work. Hello I work in an ER. Best place to be if something happens! I kept having pain and couldn't convince myself that I needed to go in. In fact when I did check in around 11:30 pm I felt pretty stupid about it. I was able to see a Dr. that I know and he is so sweet to me. They did the usual of ekg (to see if my heart is okay) iv (for blood work and easy access for meds), blood work(check all kinds of levels to see if maybe it was my electrolytes), maintenance fluids(just a good measure), and hooked me up to the monitor(to keep me on watch.)
The Dr. told me he heard a murmur and that could cause palpitations and pain, and that if the blood work came back negative for a clot then no ct scan would be necessary. So later after the blood work came back and said it's negative, but we will do a chest x ray to see the size of your heart. Away to x ray I went. Which, may I just say, is always awkward when you are barely clothed and you know the people working with you! The Dr. came in said everything was good. Was going to have me follow up with the cardiologist out patient and I was about to be home free just in time to eat. As the Dr. is writing up discharge paper work it happens again. The pain and elevated rate. It didn't get to high thankfully, but the pain was a lot and I my heart rate had doubled. I didn't want to press the call button, in fact I didn't for a bit, but finally I did. The nurse and Dr responded pretty quick and assessed the situation. They did another ekg and gave me some meds to help me calm down because I was pretty scared too. The meds helped to calm me down, but I still had the pain on and off and because of all this i had the ct scan done just for good measures. Everything came back fabulous of course. However... the Dr had me stay for a while because he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again and if it did he wanted to catch it better on the monitor. He called the cardiologist and talked about a treatment plan. Lucky for me they decided NOT to keep me to have some more tests done, but I do have to follow up next week. My biggest fear in all this was that I would miss my family reunion that I had planned. I wasn't going to let that happen! They finally let me go at about 6:45. Oh did I mention that I didn't call my parents until about 5 am. I'm not sure if they were happy or upset about that. My coworkers and Jamie all came in to check on me ever so often. They were my family that night.
My parents came to my house around 10:30 and picked me and my car up and took me back home so I could be safe and take it easy. So here I am. At my parents, Roxy at my feet, a blanket around me, and I couldn't be happier. Yes, I am okay. I do keep having random pains, but it must be nothing since they didn't find anything. I will just wait to see what the Cardiologist says next week. Plenty of people live with murmurs and they are fine, oh and did I mention that sometimes birth control could be the cause of palpitations. HA! Sweet one disease is trying to kill me off with it's way of keeping my endo under control.
Like I said... Only the good die young, I'm not good, so I'm not dying! I love you all and it's great to be home!!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Small room+a lot of stuff= A BIG HEADACHE
Dear new house, new room, and new bathroom,
House, I like you so far. You give me a space in the garage. You give me a big kitchen to cook in. You give me a place that is not to hot and not to cold. Oh and you give me a roof over my head.
Bathroom, I like you so far too! You have a lovely tub that I have yet to sit in. HOWEVER, You have space for me to store my things except under the sink. BOO! OH and... I do LOVE the high counters!!!!
Room, I DISLIKE YOU! You need to grow about 2 feet on each wall possible. Seriously right now!!!! I'm about to punch a hole in one of your walls because I can not handle the smallness of you. I do not even have room to walk around my bed comfortably. BOO!!!!!!
Thanks,
ME!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Moving and such
On Monday I was supposed to start my move, but ended up sleeping the entire day away. After the gym I did go take a look at the new house though. I was a little bummed out that I had a smaller room, but my bathroom is nicer and I'm hoping I can move the Roxy dog in with me!!!!
Tuesday, I talked Jamie's daughter, Sara, into coming to help me move my clothes over to my new house. (Mostly because there are stairs in both houses and that's pain to try and walk up and down them a billion times.) I then went to work and had an enjoyable time..
Wednesday, Jenica, Sara, and I moved our entire kitchen. All the pantry and dishes went away. After we moved them we started to set up house. This was fun, but not so much fun. It was fun to set up house and get to decide where things go and set up things, but it was time consuming and exhausting (especially after all the dang stairs!) I was scheduled to go into work, but I managed to bribe my manager into cookies and rice krispies for not making me come in. She said okay (really we were just slow so whatever.) I fell asleep at 7:30 pm because I was so tired.
Thursday, I woke up at 2:30 am! Yes, that's right! (Oh the joys of night shift!) After watching an episode of "Cupcake Wars"I went to breakfast at Ihop with Jamie and then decided I should start packing and cleaning. I then text and called my mom. She said she would come and help me. Sure enough a few hours later my FABULOUS mom was there helping us pack and move and walk the stairs in the blazing heat! She helped clean and pack and do all kinds of things. We went to get lunch and move some stuff over and I saw some smoke and figured a house was on fire. When we got to the house I heard some water leaking from the washer that just was put in and I shut off that water. The landlords ended up shutting off all the water because it was still leaking. At around 2 my mom made me take a nap (Okay not so much made because I was tired and had to work later) At around 2:30 the fans shut off and I just figured maybe there was a little break before they turned it on. It wasn't until I woke up did I realize that electricity was out all throughout town and both houses were now with out AC. HORRIBLE! It was JUNE/JULY and 110 out and there was no AC or ANYTHING! At this point I hated life. I hated everything. At 5 we met at the old place to move furniture and such. This was interesting. A bunch of sweaty men moving our stuff... Sweet! I ended up being late for work (such is life.) My mom stayed to direct the men on where to put my stuff and to help. She is AMAZING!!!!
I ended up getting off work early Friday morning and went back to the old place to clean up so Jenica didn't have to do it all on her own. When I walked into our new house it was crazy! It was like a bomb went off. It was only because they were running out of day light and couldn't see because the electricity was off until 11 pm. I changed and went to the old house, cleaned, and said my farewells. I ended up having to stay else where because the water was still off, but oh well. Life happens!
Today, Saturday, I plan to sleep and then come back to work.
I think I've given up on this "diet." I did a HORRIBLE, and when I say that I mean it, job eating this week because of all the work, moving, and stress that has been happening. Through it all I remained gluten free which is awesome, however I did not stay sugar or carb free.
Oh well... LIFE HAPPENS! I cant' wait to get the new house set up and get back into the swing of the gym and such. I will be calling the landlords today to find out about the Roxy dog! Everyone cross your fingers because this will be a dream come true. I love her and miss her so much. It is going to be a lot of responsibility to have her 24-7 with no one to rely on for help me, but I'm excited to try it out. When I go on vacation she will have to go back to my parents because I don't want her to be scared or lonely. I love her!!!! She is always there when I need her. Never talks back. Always cuddles, gives kisses, and makes me giggle. I can't wait to have her in my life FULL TIME!
Tuesday, I talked Jamie's daughter, Sara, into coming to help me move my clothes over to my new house. (Mostly because there are stairs in both houses and that's pain to try and walk up and down them a billion times.) I then went to work and had an enjoyable time..
Wednesday, Jenica, Sara, and I moved our entire kitchen. All the pantry and dishes went away. After we moved them we started to set up house. This was fun, but not so much fun. It was fun to set up house and get to decide where things go and set up things, but it was time consuming and exhausting (especially after all the dang stairs!) I was scheduled to go into work, but I managed to bribe my manager into cookies and rice krispies for not making me come in. She said okay (really we were just slow so whatever.) I fell asleep at 7:30 pm because I was so tired.
Thursday, I woke up at 2:30 am! Yes, that's right! (Oh the joys of night shift!) After watching an episode of "Cupcake Wars"I went to breakfast at Ihop with Jamie and then decided I should start packing and cleaning. I then text and called my mom. She said she would come and help me. Sure enough a few hours later my FABULOUS mom was there helping us pack and move and walk the stairs in the blazing heat! She helped clean and pack and do all kinds of things. We went to get lunch and move some stuff over and I saw some smoke and figured a house was on fire. When we got to the house I heard some water leaking from the washer that just was put in and I shut off that water. The landlords ended up shutting off all the water because it was still leaking. At around 2 my mom made me take a nap (Okay not so much made because I was tired and had to work later) At around 2:30 the fans shut off and I just figured maybe there was a little break before they turned it on. It wasn't until I woke up did I realize that electricity was out all throughout town and both houses were now with out AC. HORRIBLE! It was JUNE/JULY and 110 out and there was no AC or ANYTHING! At this point I hated life. I hated everything. At 5 we met at the old place to move furniture and such. This was interesting. A bunch of sweaty men moving our stuff... Sweet! I ended up being late for work (such is life.) My mom stayed to direct the men on where to put my stuff and to help. She is AMAZING!!!!
I ended up getting off work early Friday morning and went back to the old place to clean up so Jenica didn't have to do it all on her own. When I walked into our new house it was crazy! It was like a bomb went off. It was only because they were running out of day light and couldn't see because the electricity was off until 11 pm. I changed and went to the old house, cleaned, and said my farewells. I ended up having to stay else where because the water was still off, but oh well. Life happens!
Today, Saturday, I plan to sleep and then come back to work.
I think I've given up on this "diet." I did a HORRIBLE, and when I say that I mean it, job eating this week because of all the work, moving, and stress that has been happening. Through it all I remained gluten free which is awesome, however I did not stay sugar or carb free.
Oh well... LIFE HAPPENS! I cant' wait to get the new house set up and get back into the swing of the gym and such. I will be calling the landlords today to find out about the Roxy dog! Everyone cross your fingers because this will be a dream come true. I love her and miss her so much. It is going to be a lot of responsibility to have her 24-7 with no one to rely on for help me, but I'm excited to try it out. When I go on vacation she will have to go back to my parents because I don't want her to be scared or lonely. I love her!!!! She is always there when I need her. Never talks back. Always cuddles, gives kisses, and makes me giggle. I can't wait to have her in my life FULL TIME!
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