Dreams Come True

In 2014 I set some serious goals for myself and before I knew it 2014 was over and my dreams had come true right before my eyes.

Jan- May- I finished my 4th block of nursing school

May- Jamie and I adopted Coco 

June- I took NCLEX and became a nurse! I started in the Pediatric ER

July- I went to my very first Pediatric Trauma conference in California and competed in my first Bikini contest.

August- First full family vacation

September- I opened an Instagram account just for my fitness @StephanieBFit

October- Jamie and I went to California to be apart of my friends wedding!

November- I competed in my second bikini contest and looked even better than my first show!

December- I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy and proud! 2014 was amazing and I am looking forward to reaching my dreams and goals in 2015. 

2015 will consist of Jamie and I competing together in Dallas. I'm pushing hard to get first place and to compete in Nationals. Jamie and I will get married in the fall. 

2014 was all about me. 2015 is all about us! 

I keep my instagram up to date. Feel free to follow me. StephanieBFit!

Making 2014 MINE

 

In May I graduated from nursing school! I was one of the speakers for my nursing ceremony and had fun uplifting others to continue on with their dreams to touch lives!

In June I took my state boards and found out I passed within less than 24 hours! I immediately called my manager and before the day was over I had a job offer where I currently work! I started working at a nurse 2 weeks later!!!!

While passing my state boards and learning to become a nurse on the job I was training for my first bikini show!!!!

I had an amazing time doing the competition and look forward to doing my next show. I was able to compete with Jamie and that made it an amazing once in a life time experience for both of us! I will do another show in November and will start training for it tomorrow.

I'm still doing orientation at my work and will take on the night shift position by myself in just a few short weeks. I'm really loving being a nurse and loving how much I've been able to accomplish this year for myself. 

I told Jamie at the beginning of this year that 2014 would be MY year and so far it has been!

I Did It!

Yes that's right, I did it!

I FINISHED NURSING SCHOOL!!!!!!

I can not believe how crazy the last 2 years of my life have been. And to look back and realize that I did it! It was hard and crazy! I was driving 2.5 hours to school on Sunday's and 2.5 hours back on Wednesday's and working Thursday-Saturday nights in the emergency room! There was so many sleepless nights! So many I can't even count. The above schedule was on a good week and most weeks were much more chaotic and filled with clinicals or lab or other various school things I had to do.

The thing is… Even though I had to drive those 2.5 hours multiple times I wouldn't change it for the world. On either side of those 2.5 hours I had people that loved me. On one side was my amazing parents. They have been there through it all. They have patiently and lovingly got me through the last 2 years. They were there for countless break downs over school or life or just little things like my dogs being sick! My mom made sure to feed me and have whatever food I was hooked on that week stocked for me. They never knew if I was eating healthy or not so they always had ice cream just in case! We had family dinner most nights together and that is something I will miss. I will also miss our Tuesday night date with "NCIS." My parents have made this dream possible for me. After all it was my mom who told me that one night so long ago, "You would make a great nurse. You stayed really calm and that was awesome."

On the other side of the 2.5 hours was my loving boyfriend Jamie. We have gone through so much together the last 2 years with my schooling and his accident and just life in general. One thing that amazes me that we came out on the other side of nursing school just as close as ever. He has been so patient with me as I've had my fair share of melt downs over stupid things. We have grown together to make a pretty good team. I am thankful for him sticking by my side and reminding me constantly that I can do it!

During those 2.5 hour drives I got to talk to my best friend Randa! I would call her every time I was in the car. I knew where the dead zones were and when the phone would start to cut out. We talked about everything. She got used to my road rage and honking at cars! I got used to her being a mom and picking back up the conversation seconds later. It was so much fun and made the drive go by faster.
During the no cell phone zones I knew which radio stations worked when and when to start my cd player!

Nursing school made it hard to spend time with my family. Luckily for me my sisters were just a text or phone call away. I had fun talking to them and on occasion skyping with my nieces and nephews. During the first part of nursing school one sister lived just down the road from my parents along with both of my brothers. My other sister lived in Utah. It was fun going to Celissa's house right after school and just relaxing and eating a cookie or two! If I came home to my parents early enough on Sunday's all my siblings would be there (at least the ones that lived in town.) I flew to Utah multiple times and spent time with my sister and her family. I spent a birthday there over Christmas break and then a week there during the summer celebrating her oldest daughter's birthday. During my years I also got to meet up with my brother Ren for occasional breakfast's and sometimes he would stay at my parents for work stuff. If I stayed late on Wednesday's I would always get to see my other brother, Aaron. It was fun to get to play with his daughter one on one. During Jamie's accident my family were there for me. Elizabeth considered coming down from Utah and both my sisters made care packages! I love my siblings!!!!!!!!

One great thing about going to school and working at the same time is the nurses I work with were willing (most of the time) to help me with studying, homework, and even care plans. The nurses are awesome and spent time teaching me. I was able to have more hands on experience than the other students because each time I went to work I was learning more about becoming a nurse. Even though I wasn't actually doing all the nursing things I was still having fun. Sure I didn't really get to go out with my work friends very often but I did get spend every weekend with them.

I made new friends. Starting out on my journey I instantly became friends with Michelle, the smartest girl in class. We sat together for almost all 4 semesters (the last semester the teachers were constantly making us change seats, lame.) Then there was Jamie. I had worked with her before in the ER when I was just 18. We had a love/hate relationship back then and it carried forward. In second block we picked up Andi. Who became part of the study pack. Then there was Adalyn who joined in as well. Before I knew it I loved all the girls in my class. Wendy came and stayed with me during out of town clinicals and I stayed with the other girls one weekend just for fun. We all had our quirks, but man did I love 90 percent of all the people in my class. Lisa and Bernice were sassy and called me various spanish names that I still don't even know… something about a bun and a white girl. I will never forget how much fun everyone was and how much we all supported each other through the hardest 2 years!

What an amazing journey the last 2 years have been for me. At first I wasn't sure how it all was going to play out, but I did it. Each week was different than the week before and I was constantly looking at my planner. It was one of the craziest things I have ever done. When Jamie had his accident I really wasn't sure how I was going to keep doing all of the things and take care of him. Thankfully with the time off from work I was able to juggle it all. Looking back I know that God's hand was in all of these things. He knew that I could do it and knew I could handle even a little more. Never had I prayed more than I did in nursing school! I had a lot of guardian angels looking over me as I drove with little to no sleep. I am glad that it's over, but wouldn't change any of it!

Goodbye nursing school… Hello NCLEX!

Please Stop...

Over the weekend as I was putting together a toy for a young child I was interrupted by someone asking when I was going to have kids. I quickly shot back, "I'm not." To this she replied, "Oh just wait until you're 30 and your ovaries start quivering." At that point more nurses joined in saying how oh you'll be a mom and how can you not have kids.

To everyone out there… PLEASE STOP ASKING WHEN I'M GOING TO HAVE A CHILD!

You will never know what goes on in my mind. Just because your friend or sister in law or really anyone you may know has one of the same problems I do and ended up with children doesn't mean I will. I have THREE diagnosis' that stack up against me. (Endometriosis, adnomyosis, Polycystic ovaries) I was told FLAT OUT, "You will need help ovulating," and really that's just the beginning!

Just because you can't handle what I have to say doesn't mean you should continue to annoy me with your questions!

At this point in my life I am 25! I'm finishing nursing school! I have other things I'm worried about right now. I've had to put my dreams of having a family behind me. Just because other women can handle the pain that comes from losing a child, or pay thousands of dollars to POSSIBLY conceive doesn't mean I can or want to. The thought of getting pregnant and then losing that pregnancy is not something I can even begin to imagine.

Don't get me wrong, if by the grace and miracles of God I do conceive a child, I will love that baby with everything I have and more. However, if that miracle doesn't come I've accepted that (at least for now.) I do have the right to change my mind at any given chance and try valiantly to have a child, but that's not right now.

I'm just so sick of people thinking that just because I'm young I'm fertile. Just because I'm young I don't know what I want. Just because I have a disease that someone they know has I must be just like them. Well what they don't know is the hundreds of thousands of women who can't have kids because of just one of those three disease.

It's flat out rude to pester people about whether they want children or when they are going to have said children. It's rude that I have to sit in public and defend myself. It's disappointing that no one cares to listen to me since I know my body! It's sad that I feel belittled by other women because of my body. IT WAS NEVER MY CHOICE TO HAVE THESE PROBLEMS! It's not like I sat there one day and said, "You know I think it would be fun to have pain on and off for the rest of my life. It would be fun not to ever follow my dreams of being a mom." Not once have I ever thought those things.

You would think that women could be a little more empathetic towards that, but however that doesn't always seem to be the case. We should be building each other up and loving each other when life gives us lemons. We should rally around each other in love and friendship. I, for one, don't always like talking about my health issues, especially in the middle of working!

This was not meant to offend those involved, but to educate for the future of myself and others like me.

Back At It

Well this week has been fun… Well maybe not so much.

Sunday my sister surprised me with a visit to my house with her family including the dog. It was a short visit because they were on their way back home to get the kids home and in bed for school in the morning. It was fun just hanging out and they are the first real visitors we have had at the house! I love the kids of course…. I always talk about them! I'm glad they stopped by for a bit to boost my day! Jamie and I had fun later just hanging out and having fun. We needed just a relaxing night! When I finally laid down to go to bed around 4 the pain came.

It was horrible! I started crying. Jamie asked what to get I was sent into a panic because I only had 2 hydro's left and I knew I couldn't take them both because what if I have more pain later with nothing to fall back on. So I took one, 800mg of IBU and 2 heating pads! Nothing helped. I couldn't get comfortable. Then the pain was so bad that I felt like I was going to vomit. Then the meds didn't help with the nausea. Of course I couldn't take nausea meds because I left them at my mom's during Christmas and the other meds knock me out for 12 hours at the least and I had an appointment to go to later on. At around 7:30 I finally fell asleep on the couch. Then 9:30 rolled around and Jamie woke up and came to help me from the couch back to the bed. I went to my rehab appointment and was late because I was so exhausted.

Later Jamie took me out shooting my new gun he got me for Christmas. It was good to get my mind off the pain. I must say I'm a pretty good shot! Don't mess with this sexy lady!

Tuesday was Jamie's birthday. We spent the first part of the day just being lazy. Who doesn't love to just lay under the covers and chit chat with their significant other! It was a good morning. We went shooting again at the indoor range and went to lunch. In the evening I had to return back to school so I went on the 2 hour drive back to my parents to start school Wednesday morning.

It's my last block of nursing school!!!!! It's seriously CRAZY! I hope my pain settles down so I can get through this. I don't know if it's so out of control because I started this new pelvic rehab and so the muscles are just getting manipulated more. Or maybe my pain is all from my devil period. I guess soon I won't have a period since I'm getting the IUD. I still don't even know how I feel about that, but I guess if it doesn't work out then it can always come out. It's not the end all be all.

Well I have to get back to studying….

No Sleep for Me

I can't sleep and I have a photoshoot in the morning. Nothing like bags under my eyes for looking glamourous.

Friday I had my appointment with Dr. G. He was nice enough. He spoke way too fast and I had to fight to get some information out of him. He said he reviewed my last visit and my pelvic rehab notes (I started pelvic rehab for the attempts to help with pain.) He asked about my pain and so on. Eventually he told me that I have polycystic ovaries, some adenomyosis, and of course the endo.

At one point he sat back at asked, "Okay so when do you want to get pregnant." I just sat there shocked! I had the doctor staring at me along with Jamie. I finally blurted out 5 years I guess. I just said that because I knew that's what Jamie wanted to hear. In my heart I was secretly screaming today!

I asked about my fertility statistics. He said assuming that the endo hasn't grown there should be no problems with that. He said that until I try we won't know if I can hold on to a pregnancy. He said that I have the same risk as anyone else. (I don't think I believe that.) He said that my biggest issue with be the polycystic ovaries. I'm not ovulation every time I have a period. So I will need help with that.

He suggested that I see a GI dr because he is convinced that my pain isn't all just coming from the endo. I think that's the stupidest thing of my life, but whatever I'll comply. He wants me to get an IUD.

In Feb I'll do a test that will show the size of my uterus and if it's big enough I'll have the 5 year IUD placed. I'm actually not sure how I feel about this. I flat out told the dr I have a hostile uterus and he told me that a hostile uterus will not make an IUD a bigger risk of perforation. He basically feels like the benefits of an IUD out weighs the risks.

I haven't really had time to digest the news until today. I don't even know what to do. I feel so torn. I hate what if's and I feel that's all I'm saying lately. It comes down to this… Jamie doesn't want kids. I love Jamie. I am not sure I want to have kids, but let's say I do. Then I have to leave Jamie, find someone else and then what if I still can't even have kids in the end. It's complete chaos in my head right now. I can't even sleep! It's 7:30 AM!

Opening the Flood Gates

A few weeks ago I had my yearly check up with my favorite OBGYN. He is the one that did my surgery for the endo and all my other procedures through the years. He is amazing. He has a great bedside manor and everything. During the exam he found a lump in my breast which he said would become my best friend as I continue to monitor it. He said it was just a fibrocystic mass which is normal, but to keep a feel on it! ha! I told him I was still having pain. He decided to schedule and ultrasound and do blood work for my vitamin d. He also noticed a lot of random bruising is awkward places so he did a CBC and clotting times. At the end of the appointment he said that he would be leaving the practice and continuing on as head surgeon at one of the hospitals. My heart broke. I almost cried. I now needed to find a new dr!!!!

Vitamin D dropped from 20 in September to 14. I had been taking 5,000 IU a day. They gave me 50,000 IU to take weekly and I will continue with my 5,000 a day.

WBC was barely normal. Remember before it was low at 3.7. Normal being 4. Now it's 4.4. I still haven't received the report from my clotting times…. I hope that was normal.

I went to the ultrasound appointment last week before going to work. It was a new tech who I really liked. Maybe because she was so open and honest about what she saw or her sassy attitude like me! She said she thought she saw signs of PCOS. (Rewind to before my surgery to when my pelvic pain started… My VERY first ultra sound at a different clinic they said the same thing. However when they did the blood work for it they forgot to take me off my birth control so the hormone readings were off due to the birth control and therefore no diagnosis was made. I was sent to Dr. M for possible scar tissue removal and came out of surgery with endo!) After the appointment I was a little disappointed. Nothing big though. I don't even think I cried. I guess because I had heard it before so it wasn't a big deal.

Tuesday I had been up all night and barely got any sleep, I woke up at noon to go take my final nursing exam for the semester and received a phone call. It was the OBGYN office. I had been expecting them to call with the results of the US. She kind of stuttered and stammered saying how I need to follow up with Dr. Greyson because of the US results. "It's nothing bad, but, uh, it's just adenomyosis. Now don't worry some women have it and it's totally okay, but some women have it and they have pelvic pain and heavy periods. Are you having pelvic pain?" "Yes I sure am!" "Well this is the cause. We will schedule you an appointment and go from there." So I scheduled my appointment. I was calm. I was collected. I briefly did a google search as to WTF that was. Told myself I don't have time to get upset because I'm going to take my final and this is a HUGE thing. I will worry about my uterus later. I had called Jamie after I hung up with the Dr's office and left a message. Awhile later he text me saying he was sorry and he would go to the appointment with me.  (Brief side note… I have seen Dr. Greyson before and don't really love him. I saw him when I was having severe pain and he tried to work me up for an appendicitis… I had that removed in 2007 and it was listed first thing on the chart!!!)

I called Jamie on the way to school. I was doing okay and then I wasn't. I began to cry. Not just any cry, but a cry of my heart is breaking. Sobbing. I don't even think I could be understood to be honest. I went to my test crying still. My teacher thought I was just crying out of stress. Then I told her that the dr had called and gave me some bad news. She asked if I was going to be okay and I told her yes. I went in and took my final and passed! YIPPEE!!!

Through out the day on Tuesday I was tearful. When I finally saw Jamie I lost it again. I just am so heart broken. I know it's not the end of the world, but it's just so hard! I turn 25 on Saturday and my uterus is in dog years and is turning 175!!!! WHY ME?!?!

So I sit here. Alone. Silence fills the air. The questions lingers… Do I want children? Can I have children? If I want children what is the price I have to pay, emotionally, physically to have a child? Am I strong enough to endure a possible miscarriage or the devastation of not having kids?

I don't know what God's plan is for me right now and I'm struggling to understand why do I need to endure another lifetime disease.

Adenomysosis- is where the lining of the uterus that normally gets shed grows into the muscle of the uterus.

Endometriosis- is where the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus attaching and growing on to other things like bowels, bladder, anywhere. It's even been seen in the esophagus and brain!

Past, Present, Future

I know that it's been awhile since I've posted. My last post Jamie was just recently home from the hospital and we were dealing with all that... Since my life was so crazy I stopped posting because it was just a lot going on.

Jamie had another surgery shortly after we got home to add additional hardware into his pelvis. The plate and 4 screws that he first received during his first surgery were not quite holding up as well as the doctor would like due to Jamie's muscle mass. The pelvis began to separate again millimeter by millimeter and Jamie was sent to the ER for a ct. At the ER the doctor told us that it wasn't as bad as he had thought, but he still felt like an addition surgery was needed for more hardware. After much debate we went ahead with the surgery not knowing if it would continue to separate more with out it. The next day was the surgery. That day was HELL for me. I had clinicals and could not be there for his surgery. I was so nervous that I couldn't be there. The doctor promised he would call and he did. Of course I was on the one floor of the hospital that didn't get service, but luckily he left a message. I also had a fellow officer and his wife (a nurse) there to have eyes on him and make sure that he was indeed alive and well.
The days following the surgery Jamie had great pain relief and was able to start going off the pain meds. Eventually over the next few weeks he was able to begin to use a crutches and a walker instead of the wheelchair. He started therapy and then began walking. To see him walk again melted my heart. I still get goose bumps when I realize just how far he has come... WOW!!!!

I took time off work to care for Jamie because it was a full time job. It was nice being able to spend my weekends with him. I was only able to take off 6 weeks before I needed money for gas to drive back and forth and pay rent and such. Going back to work was a struggle for me because I worried about Jamie. Needless to say I did it... Jamie started back to work on light duty. I told him it was too early, but he is a stubborn man.

I spent the summer in vacation mode! I went to Utah to see my sister and her family. I met up with my parents and my other sister and we all drove to Wyoming to Martin's Cove where my niece was baptized in the Sweet Water River. For my family that river is a special place for us because that's where our family a LONG time ago came across the plains and became trapped in that area during major snow storms. Eventually they were rescued after running out of food. Many people died including some of our family. It was a very humbling experience to say the least! We drove back to Utah and I flew back out a few days later.

Two days later I was on another flight with Jamie to go see his uncle and grandma in California. We went originally for Jamie's coworkers wedding, but decided to stay with his uncle and his grandma lives right next door. His grandma is sassy and protective. We learned a lot more about Jamie's father who died when he was very young. We looked at a lot of pictures of him and could pick out resemblances in Jamie. It was soooo amazing to see his family and find out more of who he is. You never really know someone until you know where they come from.

In July we went to Kauai!!!!! It had been my dream to go there. OH MY GOSH!!!! It was the most amazing thing of LIFE! I can not even begin to write just how beautiful it was. It was so green and lush. First we flew into Honolulu and rented a car to go to Pearl Harbor. From there we went to Waikiki to do some shopping by the beach and see some of my favorite places there. We turned back in the car around 9 and got on a plane to Kauai. We drove to the place we were staying and were taken back because there was no ac. Coming from AZ no ac is a death trap. We opened all the windows and it cooled down. It was so amazing because the beach was right outside the window we could hear the waves hitting the reef. WOW! We spent the week doing fun activities including: snorkeling, paddle boarding, tanning, lounging, eating, and so much more! We ate some of the most delicious food at this place called Ally Cats I think. HEAVEN! We had banana pancakes for breakfast and listened to Jack Johnson. It was EVERYTHING I had dreamed of. We went on an excursion on a catamaran out to see one of the coast lines. We saw a lot of spinner dolphins which was a rare site because it was in the afternoon. They were jumping and playing and squealing! We went snorkeling off the coast and then ate dinner on the boat while enjoying the sunset. Perfect ending to the trip. The next morning we packed up. Ate one more set of banana pancakes and took one last look at the shore. We ended up seeing 2 turtles eating the kelp and we sat and watched them for about 30 minutes before we had to drive back to the airport. It was an amazing trip to say the least. It was Jamie's way of saying "thank you" for all the things I had done and helped him through. Best present ever!

Jamie returned to work on his motorcycle. I was nervous to say the least. After all he was barely learning how to walk again and had a pretty bad limp. It takes a lot of faith to watch the man you love get back on the same machine that almost took his life. God has bigger plans for him and for me too!

I started back to school with a bang. This semester is my FAVORITE! Pediatric and OB. All about the babies! I watched my first live birth and didn't pass out. It was the craziest thing to observe! It's fun because my peds clinicals are at my very own hospital where I work. I feel at home there.

Health wise for me things got a little crazy around Easter. I began to have these HORRIBLE head aches. I mean debilitating and horrible. I would cry and shake and vomit. The final straw was when my arm began to be numb followed by my hand and then my leg. We went to the ER for me (which was awkward because Jamie had to wheeled in because he couldn't even walk yet) where they did blood work and a ct. They gave me meds which just made me sleep. I went home and slept, felt better for the morning and by afternoon the head ache had returned. I went to my primary Dr who had me get an MRI and sent me off to see a neurologist. He diagnosed me with migraines with aura. Well apparently with these migraines you're at a higher risk for stroke. Since I was on birth control I was also at higher risk. It was like a double whammy! Luckily I'm young and don't smoke so at least I have that going for me. I went to my obgyn and unfortunately had to see a different Dr than my usual Dr M. She told me that the neuro dr was wrong and that there is no risk with my birth control and so on. She suggested a 2nd opinion. I came off my birth control because I was scared and knew that there was correlation. The neuro gave me injections to block the nerves which actually helped for some amount of time. The injections were crazy scary to get and made a weird cracking and popping noise as it was being injected into my head! I finally went and got a second opinion. They explained the same thing, but were a little nicer than the last guy so I stayed with them. They did a bunch of blood work and started me on some meds to try and get the migraines under control. Nothing has worked yet. They too are doing injections for me which help the nerve pain, but not the migraines. I say I have 2 types of head aches... the migraines are a burring type in my eye and then the nerve type that feels like I got hit in the back of the head with a bat.
A few weeks ago they told me they had sent me a letter about my blood results. I hadn't received the letter because I had been so busy with school. Turns out I have low vitamin D (duh I already knew that), but these were a shock... a positive ANA (positive for an auto immune disease) and a low white blood cell count. WTF!!!!! The ANA test I honestly wasn't too worried about because it could be a false positive. Meaning many people test positive with nothing being wrong and no indication of any auto immune problems. However the low WBC made me cry. I know what that means. Cancer. Okay not always, but usually the big ol mother trucking C word. She said they would continue to monitor it and wanted me to go see a rheumatologist  for the ANA. So back to my primary Dr. for the referral and off to see a rheumatologist. They did say they could sent me to a hematologist/oncologist, but I got a little nervous when they said they would probably want to do a bone marrow biopsy. Yeah no thanks. That crap hurts I've been told! This is where past meets present. I haven't gone to see the new Dr yet because I'm waiting for my referral. In the mean time I'm just being healthy and happy and trying not to get overwhelmed with my health. It seems like every year there is something new with my health that I have to get through. God is great and is on my team. I don't know what I've been missing in my past learning experiences with health problems, but apparently there is more to learn. Jamie of course has been by my side through it all. When I called him after my neuro appointment where I found out the crappy results he was so taken back and shocked. He just wanted to fix me and for me to be better.

There are so many things in my life that I love that I don't even have time to be sad. I love my family! There are all back in Arizona! That means everyone is closer for me to go see. I love being an aunt. Best calling in life! God has been so good to me this year. He saved Jamie and continues to save me.

Oh yeah... Jamie and I bought a house!!!!!!!! We just moved in a few weeks ago and have been getting everything set up. It's beautiful and everything I have ever dreamed of. Much bigger than his last house and prettier. I love playing house... It's just like being a kid. I feel like the Princess I am in my heart. I'm telling you the tub is huge! I made a bath and sank into it while watching grey's anatomy on my lap top. How does life get any better?!

I think that's about all for me. All in all I'm doing amazing and can't wait to finish nursing school May 2014. I'm going to be one hell of a pediatric emergency room nurse! And someday pediatric trauma nurse!!!!

Update on Jamie

I just wanted to take some time and update my amazing followers on Jamie.

Saturday the 16th was the accident. I already posted about my experience with that night.

Sunday the 17th my parents came into town to check on the both of us. I hadn't slept in 28 plus hours. I was exhausted. I couldn't even function. I did manage to sleep for a few hours, but when I called to check on Jamie the nurse M was such a jerk to me that I packed my bags and drove right back to the hospital. I told nurse M that the sergeant and I were some what restricting visitors because he needed rest. Nurse M told me that was not my decision and I had no say in the matter. I was furious! Then he had the audacity to go and wake Jamie up and talk to him about whether or not he wanted visitors. So then I had Jamie calling saying visitors were fine. Yes I know they are fine, but moderation in all things my dear!!! (besides he was drugged he doesn't even know what was happening.)

Monday the 18th we were told that Jamie's blood levels were borderline low. We declined transfusion because we figured they would improve through out the day and we would be ready for surgery in the morning. By Monday evening my parents returned and my mom stayed by with me and even spent hours in the waiting room. My dad gave Jamie a blessing with help of another man in his department. It was a very special moment and a memory I will never forget. My dad drove the 2.5 hours back to his home and like I said left my mom to be with me. As the evening progressed we learned that Jamie's blood levels were now low. Things were getting more serious. The transfusions were needed. Sure we could decline, but that's risky. Taking someone else's blood is risky. We talked about it and took the transfusions. 3 units of red blood cells and 2 units of platelets later his blood was back up to what it was that Monday morning. During all this we had that silly nurse M again. This time he was a little nicer. I asked for a blanket for my mother who was out in the freezing waiting room and he brought me one, but said this isn't allowed so just don't ask again. As I was leaving for the night (because they wouldn't give me a chair to sleep in!!!!!) I asked the nurse to please call if there were any changes. He said but I'm just his girlfriend so they would have to call his mother first. I told him that Jamie signed a medical power of attorney to me and that you would not be calling his mother first! It was in the chart plain as day and that's what Jamie wanted.

It was now Tuesday morning, the day of surgery, and they decided to do another Red blood cell transfusion to make sure he made it through surgery. My mom and I sat in the waiting room and played Uno which in a family tradition while someone is in surgery. (kinda sad that we now have a tradition for surgery in our family.) After surgery the surgeon came and explained that when they placed the plate in the front the back corrected itself and did not need a screw, but the ligaments would need time to heal to hold that back into place. He said no walking on the left leg for 10 weeks. Dr M (the surgeon) was always nice to me during this whole process and I appreciated that. I had to wait an hour while he was in recovery. Then they took him to ICU again. They didn't let me back for another 45 mins. I was livid! I was yelling at everyone. I told the volunteers that this hospital was terrible and my hospital was better. When the volunteers had their little shift change they were talking about me as I sat with my mother 5 feet away. I almost went even more crazy after that. Finally the nurse came back to get me. Once I saw Jamie I felt so much better. He was groggy and hoarse from the intubation, but he was alive. I saw him with my own two eyes that he was alive!!! This nurse was actually pretty nice and I did appreciate that. Around 5 I had to leave with my mom so we could drive the 2.5 hours to go to my parents so I could attend school on Wednesday. When we got to my parents we had a call saying my debit card had been used for fraud. Just what I needed!

Wednesday the 20th... They let Jamie walk. I flipped out! Jamie wasn't really responding to my texts and I had to take a math test and I couldn't concentrate because he was not allowed to walk. The police officers that were on watch didn't know any better and they went along with it. (this incident set us up for a major downfall later on...) I called my mom crying and yelling. She called the ICU herself and talked to the nurse. After my test I called the nurse myself. She said she was not in there but assured me that they followed the surgeons orders and he did not walk. Bull crap. Some therapists let him walk to the door and back with a walker! Mind you... his left leg is non weight baring for the ligaments to heal and the right foot is broken so he should not be baring all his 220 pounds of muscle on a broken foot!!!! I had class all day long, but ran to the bank to deal with my debit card. I returned back to school. During my lab portion it began to snow... I lost my mind at this point. I was crying and a mess. IT DOESN'T SNOW IN ARIZONA!!!!!! People kept coming up to me letting me know that the roads were closed. I didn't know how the heck I was going to get back to Jamie, but I needed to get back! I had to get back! After class was over I returned to my parents house. My mom said the roads were closed. I looked online and the road I normally take was reopened. I figured it must be okay because it's reopened. By this time the sun was shining so I felt good about driving. I got to just the point where you go through the mountains and it started snowing so crazy!!!! I went through the mountains about a mile in and my cars slipped. And then it slipped again. I have never prayed so much in my LIFE!!!! I was so scared that I wasn't going to make it back. At one point we came to a dead stop in the road for over an hour. As I sat I didn't have reception to tell everyone I was safe so I just did my homework. I got out and stretched and tried to stay calm. Eventually I made it through the mountains. What is usually a 20-30 min ride took almost 2 hours to get through. When I reached the other side... They had the road closed again. I made it to the hospital where they had moved Jamie to a regular unit. I stayed the whole night with him and took care of him. The only thing the nurses did was pass meds. I did everything else.

Thursday the 21st Jamie was feeling a lot of pain. They warned us that 2 days post op would be bad pain. We asked for minimal visitors due to pain.

Friday the 22nd I decided I needed to go on leave from work. I'm still not sure how I'm going to pay my bills because I don't have any PTO, but I just put my faith in God. Jamie sat in a wheelchair and we went and toured the rehab unit that he would be staying in. Later he was indeed moved to a new room in the rehab unit. This room was SMALLLLLL!!!! We could barely fit in there!

Saturday the 23rd... the doctor and therapists all came in to do assessments. Tom my favorite therapist came in. Jamie was adamant that he was allowed to walk because he walked the first day after surgery. I kept saying no you can't walk. Tom called Dr M. NO WALKING! STAND PIVOT TRANSFERS ONLY!!!! (And he had to wear a boot during that transfer) Jamie was not too happy.

Sunday the 24th. Jamie was going stir crazy. The new room was too small. He had just been laying in bed for over a week now. He hated everything. He took his anger out on me. He said that it was all my fault that he wasn't allowed to walk. That I pushed too hard for him not to walk. He couldn't understand why the therapists the first day would ever make a mistake about him walking. Sorry sweetie, but they did. I had to let him know that it wasn't okay for him to be mad at me. I get that he is mad. It's okay to be mad, but you can't take it out on me when I'm the one taking care of you!!!!

Monday the 25th I had class. Jamie apparently was fighting with the therapy people. I figured he would. He is so ornery these days. I'm sure they deal with that a lot.

Tuesday the 26th I scored clinicals in the ER. Something I already knew and loved. I had so much fun! I can't believe it! Jamie... still ornery. Rehab is going though... He is in and out of the wheelchair more!

Wednesday the 27th. Test over nursing. Managed to score a 91 percent even with everything else going on. I realize that maybe there are angels helping right now because there is no way I can being doing this all on my own. I returned back Jamie's to watch his daughter run track and take video for Jamie. Then later I headed to the hospital to keep him company.

Thursday the 28th. Today was the day to be discharged! They did some therapy with me and him together so I could learn how to get him in and out of the car and how to get him up and down steps. He had swelling under his incision so we had to wait for Dr M to come and check it out. Around 4 the nurse came and said to just plan on staying another day. I lost it. I said why. She said something about home health and how it wasn't set up. I said no way. We don't need home health right away and that should be no reason to keep us in the hospital. She rambled something more that I couldn't even hear with all my anger built up. I told her this is ridiculous that if that were the case then we should have been told in advance that we had all day for someone to come and talk to us so get the social worker in here or get a supervisor. The social worker came in and told us that no we were just waiting on Dr. M and that he could do the at home care paperwork tomorrow and we did not need to stay for that. Finally at 5 the surgeon showed up. He pushed on Jamie's incision and decided that there was blood under and it needed to be drained. So... he got an 18 gauge needle and a 60mL syringe and took over 100mLs out of blood and fluid. INSANE! I can't even believe it. We were told to watch the area and see what happened, but that we could go home!!!! We finally got home around 8ish or so. I still had to get the pain meds from the pharmacy and get Jamie all set up with everything.

Friday the 1st the medical supplies arrived. (oh I forgot to mention that the nurse told us we couldn't go home because he didn't have the supplies yet, even though we had what we needed for the time being. Turns out that someone from the hospital told the company he was not going to be discharged that night! I promptly let the company know that we would be home and I would sign for the supplies in the morning.) Jamie's friend came over to check on him and helped me remove the glass door from the shower so I could install the new shower seat. I ended up installing the toilet safety rails, the shower seat, a shower curtain rod, a shower curtain, all while doing multiple loads of laundry. Jamie slept on and off. His sergeant brought over dinner and his gear he was wearing that night. I still don't understand how he is not dead! Another officer brought over a second dinner and both meals were excellent! It's nice because I was able to get things together for left overs and freeze some of it.

Saturday the 2nd Jamie and I relaxed. He pain was under control. We have a little pattern down. He is doing so well at home. He went outside to the back patio. It was nice to just be outside for a minute or two. He is doing so good at wheeling himself. The home health nurse came along with the physical therapist a few hours later. I was embarrassed because the house hadn't been fully cleaned yet, but they didn't seem to mind laundry on the couch and some dishes in the sink.

Sunday the 3rd Jamie is doing AWESOME! I cleaned the house and finished the laundry and made it perfect for him to be able to manage himself until I get back on Wednesday. I thought it would be fun for us to go get the mail together. His drive way is EXTREMELY steep! I don't know what I was thinking really. When I had to push him up the drive way he was cheering me on and was laughing with me when I got to the top. It was fun to laugh with him again. This is our life after all. We can't just fast forward through the next little bit. We have to just take things as they are and love it and each other.

Here I am back at my parents ready for school tomorrow. I'm worried about him. (Of course) I am still in shock over the whole situation. Someday it will hit me. I am thankful for everyone's prayers and kind words. It has been a hard journey and we see the sunshine coming through the clouds!

My Jamie

Here I sit. Staring at him. He is black and blue and bloody. Tonight was my scariest dream becoming reality. He was in an accident. He was riding his motorcycle at work when a car pulled out in front of him causing him to fly from his bike. His bike caught fire as well.

I got a call saying he was in an accident, but that he was okay. I said you're joking right. No he wasn't joking. I was at work and cried my eyes out. An officer came to pick me up. Thankfully it was a mutual friend of ours making me much more comfortable. It was a long ride. Once we got there he was in ct and x ray so they wouldn't let me back. Finally when they did it was a crazy mess going on. The dr was talking about his pelvis needing surgery and his toe being dislocated and I was just trying to take in the fact that he was indeed alive. I turned around to see an intubation tray set up and I lost it. I started crying and the nurse became upset at my scene apparently and said oh no not here. I was whisked away into a holding room while they sedated him to put his toe back in place and the a pelvic binder on which is like a girdle type thing. I asked to be left alone and cried in the hall. I called my best friend so she could comfort me. She did a great job at keeping me calm. I was frustrated because I felt like the drs and nurses would talk to the officers but not me! Do they not realize Jamie told them to call me. That I am the one that practically lives with the guy. Who loves and takes care of him! I was very upset. I talked to the officer that brought me in. I told him how upset I was and that I am the one responsible for him not the police force. I shouldn't be getting second hand me down information!!!!! Anyway.... When he woke up I was allowed to go see him again. I went to introduce myself to the nurse and held out my hand to shake hers and she stared at me like i was stupid, but finally shook my hand. He was tired from the sedation. He was groggy but still in pain. I left so others could come in. I returned again since I knew he would be getting an icu bed and I wanted to see him off. As I was there I overheard the nurse giving report and I heard her say I was basically acting a fool and being out of control. Then she continued with that I've calmed down now. I was pretty pissed off but apologized for crying and tried to explain to her that I wanted information and no one was talking to me and it was crazy. She blew me off and stated I don't know how long you have been in the medical field but if we aren't freaking out neither should you. I left it at that and walked away. He went to the icu. I went back to my hospital to get my car, update my work family, and then went home to shower, pack a few things, and drive here.

So here I sit. I can't sleep. I'm sitting in the crappiest chair in America. And my head hurts. But I don't care that I have to sit here with no sleep in this crappy chair because he is alive. He may be black, blue, purple and bloody, but my Jamie is alive!!!! Obviously God was watching over him.

It's gonna be a rough week ahead. Prayers are welcome and appreciated.

Hey Remember Me

Hey Stephanie. Remember me? Your endo? Here I am with lots of pain to remind you once again that your body is not complete. That you have a disease. That you stuck with me! (evil laugh)

Dear endo... How could I forget I don't need you in my life. I thought we broke up. I don't appreciate you taking me down to the cold ground and leaving me there to just stare at the dog who needs to be let out. I don't appreciate you taking me out yesterday after school. I couldn't move. I just laid on the couch. When I did attempt to stand up I looked a fool. My mom told me I should probably stay on the couch. So that's what I did. Stayed on the couch just wanting so badly to make cookies. And when it came time for me to go to the bathroom.... I held it as long as I could because I knew standing and walking was just not an option. Then you took all my energy. I was beyond tired. I don't even understand!!! Anyways, yes endo I remember you and all your misery. It's been a long time since you knocked me down this bad.

Checking Back In

I checked out for a bit as I have been busy with school, work, holidays, family, birthday and such.

Here I am!

Alive. Well. Drinking hot cocoa!

Christmas was awesome. Jamie and I went down to my parents for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I had to return back to work that afternoon so we went back home so I could work. (Lame!) I enjoyed Christmas morning even though there were no kids around just us adults (Jamie, my parents, and I) We exchanged gifts and ate cinnamon rolls after. My parents bought me some nice sweaters and Jamie bought me diamond earrings! My very first REAL diamonds! I love them so much. I feel like a princess. He must really love me a lot!!! On the 26th I drove back to my parents for a few days so I could spend some time with my family that was at their in laws for Christmas. Then I again returned back to work on the 28th. Lucky me.

For my birthday the previous week I went to Utah to visit my sister. We went snowboarding and had a TON of fun. My sister is so amazing she made me a cake and made a pink crown that went of the top of it. It was so AWESOME! My brother in law was so sweet to watch the kids so we could go snowboarding not 1, but 2 days. Even my parents came up to Utah. I had been teasing my dad about going to see his grandkids so they came up the same weekend. It was fun to have them there. We went and looked at some amazing Christmas lights and drank hot chocolate. It snowed and was beautiful. I got a new dress that I have been looking at for MONTHS! My sister and brother in law made me this slide show dvd of pictures to music. It is AWESOME. It shows pictures from SOOOO long ago. Memories that I had almost forgotten.

At the end of the day I may be a poor student that is working her butt off, but my family means the world to me. I would do anything for them. I am so glad that I have been able to spend so much time with them recently. I love my nieces and nephews. They are my WORLD! Each of them has their own unique personality. It's so fun to have them all there. Yes things did get CRAZY, LOUD, and WILD, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I have 2 brothers, 2 sisters, 4 nieces, and 8 nephews. I may not have much at this point in my life, but I have it all with my family. I have love, laughter, and more fun than anyone can imagine. Thank you God for giving me such a big family with a lot of love!

Break

This was written December 11

I have so much to catch up on! First today I finished my final in my first block of nursing school! YIPPEE!!! I'm so excited to have that down under my belt. I know the next 3 blocks are going to be quite stressful as I continue to live and work in one place and go to school in a completely different place. Life is crazy! I have about a month off, but it's going to be just as busy as school time. This week is my birthday so I'm flying to Utah to go snowboarding and hang out with my sister and her family. To top off the fun my parents decided they are going to come up as well. It's going to be a blast! My sister and I were worried about it not snowing, but good news... it snowed!!!

Last month I went and saw my dr about the girly issues that have been complicating things in my life! He suggested I do the mire.na. They are coming out with a smaller one for girls that have never had babies. I just am a little worried because I've heard bad things about it. I talked to my dr about some of my fears like of it perfing my uterus. He said that it only perfs when it's being inserted if the dr pushes it, but I don't do that. If I meet resistance then I don't push. He said they take an ultrasound after one month to make sure it's still in place.

I don't know what to think about it.

It Continues

Well... I've been spotting since the 15th. I just thought it was going to stop, but it hasn't. After 2 weeks I called back the Dr. they said they would call me back later. I attempted to call again and set up an appointment, but they told me I would not be allowed to set up an appointment with out talking to the nurse, but surely the nurse would call me in just a few minutes. She didn't call. I waited until the next day. She finally called. Of course she said to set up an appointment. No one could really tell me why this was happening. She asked what birth control I was on and some other question, but no real answer. Later I ended up calling my sister. She told me that is could be my BC because it is low estrogen. Which makes sense because the more I think of it the more symptoms I have of that. CRAZY mood swings. (We are talking full out break down over Jamie not bringing me home candy. Which he ended up going to get because he felt so bad.) And some other things like no sex drive.

So if this is the case what do I do.... I don't like these side effects. I don't like any of this. It seems like my body just went on the fritz!

Oh did I mention that my appointment isn't until the 21st. Yeah my dr is a popular guy. Since I had a bad experience with another one of the dr's I didn't feel comfortable going to anyone else. Especially if they have to do more invasive testing or if they are going to switch up the BC.

HELP! Any suggestions. How do I continue. What questions do I ask the Dr. What are my options even in regards to all this crap and my endo. Sigh. I JUST WANT TO BE F***ING NORMAL!!!!

Growing Inside

Sunday night I returned back to my parents house and stayed up until about 130 am finishing up drug cards. I then had to wake up Monday morning at 545 to go to my clinical at the hospital for respiratory observation. I was almost late. They say if you are even a minute late you get sent home. I walked into the hospital at 629. That was a little too close for comfort!

Monday night I was working hard on an assignment for my radiology observation Tuesday morning. It was probably about 9ish I went to the bathroom only to realize I was spotting. WTF!!!! How can this even be happening. I'm on continuous birth control. I haven't missed any pills. I take it at the same time. I am dedicated to this stupid birth control like a marriage! HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING! I began to freak out. Everything was going through my mind. I have cancer. It's back. It's going to kill me dead. I was pregnant and having a miscarriage. No this isn't crazy bleeding. I just had an ultrasound and know I am not pregnant nor do I have a cyst. I was at the kitchen table alone, scared, panicking. I text my mom from the other room to have her come see me. I told her what was going on. She looks concerned too. We decided it would be pointless to call the on call dr because they would just say go to the er or something stupid like that. Mom went to bed. I stayed up until 1230.

Tuesday I woke up at 530 and made it to the hospital on time. I called the Dr when I was done in between clinical and class. Got home and took a nap. The nurse called me. I missed it. I called back. She got some information from me. She was asking all sorts of things. I had to tell her at least 3 times that I have been on continuous bc for almost 2 years and have only let myself have a period once because Dr. M told me I didn't need to and the last time was Feb 2012. Surgery was Feb 2011 diagnosed with the Endo. So she decides that I need to come in for an ultrasound. I then tell her I just had one like 2 weeks ago and that I was told there was no cyst. She then said well I guess you don't need that. Let me talk to Dr. M and I will call you back. I decided to take a nap while waiting. The nap was like an hour. The nurse called and said Dr. M thinks that it must be the endo. GREAT! He just told me like a month ago that basically there was no way the endo could be growing with the continuous bc. So now it is growing all of the sudden? UGH! I just thanked her for calling me back and that was that. I don't know what to do. I feel so confused. I feel so angry and miserable.

Wednesday I did get to sleep in. Went to class at noon-3 drove back to my house. Saw Jamie for 5 min. Kissed him. He went to work. I went to work. Thankfully I was let off early. Went to bed at 430

Thursday woke up at 9. Drove back to my parents. Changed my scrubs. Went back to the hospital for a computer class that lasted an hour and a half. (Not even as long as the drive back!) Went to the care center to start my care plan. Went home. Worked on my care plan. Curled up on the couch to nap for an hour. Woke back up and finished with my care plan. Went to bed at 1230.

Friday woke up at 5. Had to be at clinical at 6. Rocked out my clinical. (Had a real patient. My own real patient!) Got done and drove back to my real home. Jamie had a massage lined up for me and paid for when I got back into town. Met up with him after. Dang he is hot in his uniform! <3 and="and" asleep.="asleep." bed="bed" computer="computer" fell="fell" home.="home." in="in" watched="watched" went="went">
Saturday slept! Went to the gym!!!!! Got out some anger. Went to work.

I think I'm done spotting as of today (Saturday.) I'm not even sure what to think of this all. I'm so confused. How can this be happening. Why is this happening. What is the plan now. Am I going to still have periods every month even though I'm on the bc? Is this stress related? I was really stressed out with my C scared and nothing like this ever happened. What do I do. I just want to cry my eyes out. There are so many questions and no answers. I feel like if I ask I will be shut down. I don't even want to bother making an appointment with Dr M because I feel like it's so pointless. ANY SUGGESTIONS!!!???!!!?!?!?!

HELP ENDO SISTERS!

The D Word

I had my ultrasound Friday morning. The office was quite and the only people there were the ultrasound lady and I. I'm not sure of her name, but every time she is so sweet. This trip she shared with me that she too had endo and felt bad for me and my pain.

As much as I wanted to see something like a cyst or ANYTHING... I knew there would be nothing. I knew in my heart that the only thing that is wrong is a mysterious disease that can't be seen through ultrasound. Although maybe the sudden sharp pain could be cysts because the ultrasound was 3 weeks out from the last MAJOR episode. I don't know what to think. I'm just hoping that it's something other than the endo.

I think I'm still in denial about my disease. Ugh I hate that word. Disease. Stupid! An incurable, invisible disease. 

I do realize that I am lucky. No I don't have pain everyday, but at least 3 times a week my body will remind me that it's there. Mostly it's just a twinge of pain. A tightness. Maybe I just learned how to deal with the pain better... I know when I start to feel that twinge and tightness that I need to sit and be still. Not move. Don't try to walk. Don't try and stretch, cough, sneeze. Most of the time that works, but there are always the times where I'm just standing there talking minding my own manners and BAM! No little twinge to give me a heads up just the BAM! Those are the ones I hate the most. 

Knock on wood that I have yet to have one of these graceful episodes at school. I often think of what I will do. People don't know me or my story and I would feel so awkward if that happened. I would be so embarrassed. 

Anyways... I guess I should make a follow up appointment with the Dr to discuss my nothingness. I just don't get it. I mean it's almost every other month like to the T. It's usually the right side. It's almost like my period, but I don't get my period due to the continuous BC. That's what I don't get. Why is my body still trying to make and egg or something. I don't know what it's doing really!

All these other fabulous women out there know there body so well. They know what they are looking for and what everything means. Meanwhile in Stephanie Land I'm just like "La Dee Da" It goes back to me being in denial. If I don't know then it can't hurt me... WRONG. 

PS just heard a strange noise in the house and almost cried. Probably the ice machine.

Okay enough of this rant... I have a skills test today followed by a quiz and a major exam tomorrow. Focus!

Motivation

My motivation today is no where to be found. My mind is all over the place....

I am going to write a drug card.
I want to buy a dress.
What is on pin.terest.
I should work out.
I should blog.
About that dress.
Did I pay my bills this month?
I wonder what Jamie is doing.
Back to the drug cards.
Back to the computer.
I need a snack.
Yummy snack.
Roxy wants a snack.
Drug cards.
Computer.
Dress.
Snack.

OH BOY! I need help! I need to get it together! Tomorrow after class I drive back home. Work all night. Then Friday morning I have an ultrasound. I am sure it's not going to show anything. I had some pain yesterday, but not the fall on the ground kind just the hey I'm here pain. The Dr. still continues to tell me the endo isn't growing because I'm on continuous birth control. Apparently that's the end all be all to endo. HA! I wish for there to be a cyst only because then it would be something I could see. Endo is like a fake disease that no one believes you have because no tests show it. Oh how I want to be normal again...

Break Time

Oh how I miss my life before nursing school. I loved being free and not tied down. I could get up and go whenever I wanted. I could vacation, relax, SLEEP, and do whatever and whenever.

I feel so tied down. Like a bad relationship or something. I have to fight for time to myself. I have to cut things out and decide what is important and what isn't.

I miss going to the gym. I'm in this little town where there are no LA fitnesses. I don't want to pay for 2 gyms. It's so bloody hot still that I can't even convince myself to go for a run when I need to.

Jamie and I have been trying to purchase this bike from his friend for like months, but we never have time together so we haven't gone to get it. Man how I want that bike. I just want to be able to exercise with out running. We all know I hate to run, but riding a bike... That became so much fun as I was doing my triathlon.

I hope I will be able to do another triathlon next year. I really liked the all women one my sister and I did last year. Hopefully she will want to do it again!

Okay homework break is over... Back to the books

True Love

Jamie and I have had our share of ups and downs a few months ago. It was really hard on both of us and I was starting school so that just made everything worse. Sometimes I tell people too much about him and I and that just comes back to bite me in the butt. People love to tell me how to run my life and what decisions I need to make in regards to him. I do really good at keeping things to myself, but then I start trusting people and that's where things always go back full circle.

I just don't understand how I can tell my best friend and even my parents about the things Jamie has done, but they do not judge me for staying. I remember bawling all the way to my parents house in the car with my parents after my wisdom teeth removal. I told my dad how much I love him and yes the things he did hurt me, but I just can't walk away. He told me I didn't need to make a decision right then and there, but to make a decision and stick by it. I chose to stay.

To be honest I rarely see him now days because I'm always away at school. We see each other on the weekends and that is sparingly because of work for him and I. We are making things work.

Quite frankly I don't need people telling me about my relationship. I don't need your advice. I don't need you telling me he is cheating on me or that I'm stupid for staying with him. I just get so irritated when my "friends" love to tell me these things. If my parents can accept my decision then you should to.

This past week was a real test... with Princess (the dog) and the stress of school was just taxing. I called Jamie when I did well on my skills testing and he told me he was proud of me! The days following I kept him posted about Princess and he never ONCE told me I was stupid for crying over the dog. Let's just be real... Any guy would be like it's a dog get over it. Not my Jamie. He was supportive and understands that it's not just about the dog dying but it's the fact that it's CANCER. He has been there for my own personal battle and has been there for all the tears and cheers related to that. I was really REALLY impressed by his love. He never tried to cut me off while I was telling him how I felt. He never said he was too busy or anything of the sort. He cared. Cared about the silly family dog. Cared about how it was impacting me.

He has really been a blessing in my life. I don't understand how some people are so blind to that. I guess I know the truth because I live it.

Sometimes when things start to go bad I regress and think Jamie is my ex who used to be abusive in every way. So to make up for not doing anything in the past to protect myself I go CRAZY. I mean CRAZY. I do things with out thinking.

Now I'm not saying some of things he has done are just peachy, but I know that I should not have reacted the way I did.

I give Jamie serious props for being able to see past the things I have done to him. He must love me a whole lot. Wow! That is true love.

Jamie is my best friend, my side kick, my stronger half, and the man I love. If you have a problem with that then you have no business being in my life.

Bit o Good

Yesterday after my emotionally exhausting day I decided I really need to call the Dr to find out my own status. It had been 11 days with no call. I knew it would be awhile because I was there on a Friday and I was the last patient. I called them and was told a nurse would call me back. Sure enough about 45 min  later the nurse called and said that the Dr hadn't reviewed the results, but everything looked fine. I decided that she has probably seen about 1 million results and would know if something was wrong or not.

I am so grateful that IT is not back on me personally. I am still mourning over Princess.

I told my dad last night that I was pissed because cancer has taken people I love and now it is taking even the dumb dog! SERIOUSLY CANCER... EFF OFF!

Today in my nursing class we were going over surgery stuff. I realized that my own surgery that is now almost 2 years ago is still VERY fresh in my mind. I remember how nervous I was and really I had no idea what they were looking for. I had NOOOO idea what endometriosis was. I had no idea that the surgery wouldn't cure me. I wonder if the time will come that I have to have surgery again. I hope not.