Opening the Flood Gates

A few weeks ago I had my yearly check up with my favorite OBGYN. He is the one that did my surgery for the endo and all my other procedures through the years. He is amazing. He has a great bedside manor and everything. During the exam he found a lump in my breast which he said would become my best friend as I continue to monitor it. He said it was just a fibrocystic mass which is normal, but to keep a feel on it! ha! I told him I was still having pain. He decided to schedule and ultrasound and do blood work for my vitamin d. He also noticed a lot of random bruising is awkward places so he did a CBC and clotting times. At the end of the appointment he said that he would be leaving the practice and continuing on as head surgeon at one of the hospitals. My heart broke. I almost cried. I now needed to find a new dr!!!!

Vitamin D dropped from 20 in September to 14. I had been taking 5,000 IU a day. They gave me 50,000 IU to take weekly and I will continue with my 5,000 a day.

WBC was barely normal. Remember before it was low at 3.7. Normal being 4. Now it's 4.4. I still haven't received the report from my clotting times…. I hope that was normal.

I went to the ultrasound appointment last week before going to work. It was a new tech who I really liked. Maybe because she was so open and honest about what she saw or her sassy attitude like me! She said she thought she saw signs of PCOS. (Rewind to before my surgery to when my pelvic pain started… My VERY first ultra sound at a different clinic they said the same thing. However when they did the blood work for it they forgot to take me off my birth control so the hormone readings were off due to the birth control and therefore no diagnosis was made. I was sent to Dr. M for possible scar tissue removal and came out of surgery with endo!) After the appointment I was a little disappointed. Nothing big though. I don't even think I cried. I guess because I had heard it before so it wasn't a big deal.

Tuesday I had been up all night and barely got any sleep, I woke up at noon to go take my final nursing exam for the semester and received a phone call. It was the OBGYN office. I had been expecting them to call with the results of the US. She kind of stuttered and stammered saying how I need to follow up with Dr. Greyson because of the US results. "It's nothing bad, but, uh, it's just adenomyosis. Now don't worry some women have it and it's totally okay, but some women have it and they have pelvic pain and heavy periods. Are you having pelvic pain?" "Yes I sure am!" "Well this is the cause. We will schedule you an appointment and go from there." So I scheduled my appointment. I was calm. I was collected. I briefly did a google search as to WTF that was. Told myself I don't have time to get upset because I'm going to take my final and this is a HUGE thing. I will worry about my uterus later. I had called Jamie after I hung up with the Dr's office and left a message. Awhile later he text me saying he was sorry and he would go to the appointment with me.  (Brief side note… I have seen Dr. Greyson before and don't really love him. I saw him when I was having severe pain and he tried to work me up for an appendicitis… I had that removed in 2007 and it was listed first thing on the chart!!!)

I called Jamie on the way to school. I was doing okay and then I wasn't. I began to cry. Not just any cry, but a cry of my heart is breaking. Sobbing. I don't even think I could be understood to be honest. I went to my test crying still. My teacher thought I was just crying out of stress. Then I told her that the dr had called and gave me some bad news. She asked if I was going to be okay and I told her yes. I went in and took my final and passed! YIPPEE!!!

Through out the day on Tuesday I was tearful. When I finally saw Jamie I lost it again. I just am so heart broken. I know it's not the end of the world, but it's just so hard! I turn 25 on Saturday and my uterus is in dog years and is turning 175!!!! WHY ME?!?!

So I sit here. Alone. Silence fills the air. The questions lingers… Do I want children? Can I have children? If I want children what is the price I have to pay, emotionally, physically to have a child? Am I strong enough to endure a possible miscarriage or the devastation of not having kids?

I don't know what God's plan is for me right now and I'm struggling to understand why do I need to endure another lifetime disease.

Adenomysosis- is where the lining of the uterus that normally gets shed grows into the muscle of the uterus.

Endometriosis- is where the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus attaching and growing on to other things like bowels, bladder, anywhere. It's even been seen in the esophagus and brain!