I don't know what my deal is, but today I'm more emotional than usual. I just got done reading a blog from one of follow endo friends. She is currently awaiting for her little embryo to be transferred over into her. She could use a lot of prayers right now. Today's blog was emotional for me. Please go read it HERE to understand a little more about living with infertility issues and how hard it can be. She talks about the pain she feels from normal every day woman. I got pretty emotional because, although I'm not currently at a point to try and be pregnant, I feel like people are so cruel. So here is some of what I'm feeling on my scale of things in my life.
The endo girl gets severe pain at any given time and often feels out of place. People just tell her, "oh it's just bad cramps."She knows that it's not cramps, but something far worse and more painful. The normal girl gets cramps and takes midol and it goes away.
The endo girl fears her period more than the plague. The normal girl just finds it annoying because it gets in the way.
The endo girl has to remember every day to take her stupid birth control pill, not because she fears getting pregnant, but she knows if she doesn't her period will come and the endo will grow. The normal girl finds it annoying to remember everyday just so she doesn't get pregnant.
The endo girl has a hard time having sex comfortably in any position. The normal girl can have a sex filled week in any position she pleases with out thinking twice if it will hurt.
The endo girl cries not knowing if she will ever have a chance of conceiving on her own. The normal girl... it doesn't even cross her mind.
The endo girl knows where her heating pads are, her meds, and favorite position to wait out the storm. The normal girl will never own a heating bad and ibuprofen takes away all her issues.
The endo girl has ugly scars and is self conscience about wearing a bikini even if she is skinny. The normal girl has no scars and just worries if she looks fat.
These are just some of the things that I have been feeling lately. This past month I have been thinking about whether I should let my body have a period or not. I haven't had my period in almost a year because I've been on continuous birth control. Long term use of birth control can make your chances of having cervical cancer higher. (F*** me!) (*Sorry Mom*) So today at Wal Mart I quietly look at Jamie and ask him what he thinks. He gets a serious look on his face and reminds me about the long term use of the birth control. I almost burst into tears and tell him to shush. He said that I should try it out this month and see how it goes. So I bought some tampons. I am so nervous about having my first period since my surgery last year. I have tons to do this weekend, including work, and can't take the time off if the pain is just too much.
I hoping that my period won't be too painful, but I'm sure I will let you know.
*tick tock*
This is a blog where I have been able to open up and express myself. My hopes, my dreams, my struggles, my successes, my LIFE! I hope you enjoy reading about life through the eyes of me. Thank you so much for stopping by and reading.
Pain. There are days that the even the tampon hurts and the clots are so huge they get passed the super tampons making a big mess. But I can't sleep with just a tampon or a pad I have to use both.
ReplyDeleteOh yes we always know where our heating pads are. Sex? I think I've forgotten what sex is like its been banned my the REI doc on me several time because it makes my cervix bleed and I bleed from the endo too plus the pain. I do miss it though. I miss the closeness and I have had sex just for that reason, the closeness, knowing full well their will be pain.
I gave up on bikinis about 10 years ago. But if this transfer works out well I already told J I'm going to rock my pregnant bikini!
Here is hoping that if you decide to allow a bleed its a bit less painful. Yeah I know not going to happen but I can hope.