What Was I Thinking

****Warning- This message contains sensitive details and is not for the weak****

Seriously folks, this message is going to be down to the nitty gritty about what is happening with me and I suggest if you are a man you just wait for a post next week to read.

****Last chance to exit*****

What in the devil was I thinking when I decided I wanted to have my period. I know I so desperately want to be normal, but I need to get over that and realize that I have a serious medical problem that is REAL and not just a figment of my imagination. This produces real pain in ways that I do NOT like.

There are so many things that I forgot in the last year with out having my period. I forgot how upset my stomach gets. I forgot how much it hurts to go to the bathroom. I forgot how gross I feel. I forgot just mostly all the pain that comes with this and I haven't even started my stupid period yet. The days leading up are terrible. I'm off the pill so my natural hormones are in control and it's the dumbest thing I have ever done in my whole life I'm pretty sure.

I feel like I am stuck and honestly I'm really kind of upset. I feel like I have to take my birth control to keep my estrogen in check so the endometriosis doesn't grow. However, with taking the birth control continuously over time my chance for cervical cancer go up and let's just face the music on this one...I have been on birth control for many years and I already have precancerous cells and I don't even know if they got them all from my leep procedure. This is just an endless circle and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck in it and I want a way out.

One thing having this dumb period is doing for me is making me realize that the endo is still there and it didn't just magically heal and go away. I wish that it magically went away. I wish that I could use the restroom in peace with out pain. I wish I could do a lot of things with out pain. It makes me realize that maybe it has grown or the doctor didn't see everything that was in there.

I'm sure someone out there is thinking that I'm throwing myself a big pitty party, but the truth of the matter is that I'm not. I'm just being real with what is going on with me. I'm not exaggerating anything that is happening right now so don't get your panties all twisted.

I'm gonna try and go back to sleep. I'll let you all know how the week progresses. I have the day off today so that will give me time to rest and take care of myself. We will see about getting back out there to the gym.

OCD

I'm going to say that my OCD of germs right now is in full swing. I came home from work, stripped, threw everything in the wash and headed straight for the shower. I washed my body so many times that the water went cold. I washed my hair and face at least twice. My body just couldn't feel clean enough. I swear I really don't think I have OCD, but it's moments like this that I swear I do. I am shaking and my body is so tense. *Breathe* They say that often times people with OCD are just trying to have some control over their lives. Maybe I'm trying to be more in control because I feel like everything else right now is so extremely chaotic.

I will try and sleep now and not dream of little germs eating me alive and cause me to have all sorts of funk.

Ticking Time Bomb

I don't know what my deal is, but today I'm more emotional than usual. I just got done reading a blog from one of follow endo friends. She is currently awaiting for her little embryo to be transferred over into her. She could use a lot of prayers right now. Today's blog was emotional for me. Please go read it HERE to understand a little more about living with infertility issues and how hard it can be. She talks about the pain she feels from normal every day woman. I got pretty emotional because, although I'm not currently at a point to try and be pregnant, I feel like people are so cruel. So here is some of what I'm feeling on my scale of things in my life.

The endo girl gets severe pain at any given time and often feels out of place. People just tell her, "oh it's just bad cramps."She knows that it's not cramps, but something far worse and more painful. The normal girl gets cramps and takes midol and it goes away.

The endo girl fears her period more than the plague. The normal girl just finds it annoying because it gets in the way.

The endo girl has to remember every day to take her stupid birth control pill, not because she fears getting pregnant, but she knows if she doesn't her period will come and the endo will grow. The normal girl finds it annoying to remember everyday just so she doesn't get pregnant.

The endo girl has a hard time having sex comfortably in any position. The normal girl can have a sex filled week in any position she pleases with out thinking twice if it will hurt.

The endo girl cries not knowing if she will ever have a chance of conceiving on her own. The normal girl... it doesn't even cross her mind.

The endo girl knows where her heating pads are, her meds, and favorite position to wait out the storm. The normal girl will never own a heating bad and ibuprofen takes away all her issues.

The endo girl has ugly scars and is self conscience about wearing a bikini even if she is skinny. The normal girl has no scars and just worries if she looks fat.


These are just some of the things that I have been feeling lately. This past month I have been thinking about whether I should let my body have a period or not. I haven't had my period in almost a year because I've been on continuous birth control. Long term use of birth control can make your chances of having cervical cancer higher. (F*** me!) (*Sorry Mom*) So today at Wal Mart I quietly look at Jamie and ask him what he thinks. He gets a serious look on his face and reminds me about the long term use of the birth control. I almost burst into tears and tell him to shush. He said that I should try it out this month and see how it goes. So I bought some tampons. I am so nervous about having my first period since my surgery last year. I have tons to do this weekend, including work, and can't take the time off if  the pain is just too much.

I hoping that my period won't be too painful, but I'm sure I will let you know.

*tick tock*

Mud Everywhere, but No Rain

There he is! My Officer in shining MUD!

I met Jamie and his fellow officers down at the academy where they train at this morning around 10:30. I followed them to this dog park where they had a fire hose out making this area nice a muddy. Jamie was the first to ride through. (I'm pretty sure he was showing off for me) The first time he went through no problem. The other guys went and both fell into the mud. Jamie went again and this time I was filming. He fell of course. I felt bad only because I knew he didn't want to fall and be all muddy.  They all went through about 10 times and by the end they all were staying up. I was really proud of him. If they put down their feet at anytime they have to do mandatory fall and rolls. So...

There he is on the left doing his mandatory falls with his fellow classmates. When they told him to do the rolls in the mud he immediately ran out and started to roll and didn't even wait for the other guys. Then they got in sync and did their rolls perfectly together. 

After all the rolling and stuff they rinsed off and I headed home knowing that I would be doing laundry later. So what am I doing right now... Laundry. Where is everyone? Asleep. Oh well. Hopefully at one point I stay up late at night taking care of a baby or something not just doing boring things like laundry. 

(yes, I have baby on the brain)

I was glad I went to go watch Jamie today. None of the other student's wives were there, but I wanted to be there to support him. And they learned not to go into the mud and how to control the bike when the roads are wet, which is really important because that could be very very dangerous.

So his house might have mud everywhere, but I will get it cleaned before everyone wakes up. Including his vest, boots, belt, gloves, and anything else. I wish I could marry myself. I would make a good wife!

Ramblings from the Grave

Lately I don't know what my deal is, but I've been feeling deathly. I am pretty sure I got hit by a semi truck or possibly a train. Last week I was sick and then I went to my counselors appointment. We just barely started an in depth process about some childhood things that I hadn't ever dealt with before. He told me that I may be very emotional as things start to come to the surface. I should have known that I wouldn't become emotional, but that my body would take the blow. I'm assuming that is why I have been so deathly, well and the fact that I already had a sinus infection I was battling. I've been relaxing a lot and taking it very slow and easy. At some point I would like to ease back into going to the gym, but not today.

Tonight my mom stopped by on her way back to my home town. She was up here attending a meeting and I was telling her I didn't feel well so she stopped by to give me a hug and kiss. BEST MOM EVER!

Tomorrow I have to be some what of a human because I get to go watch Jamie at his motor school. Tomorrow they are making them ride in the mud, but really the whole point of them riding in the mud is to teach them NOT to ride in the mud because you can't steer and you will become a muddy mess. That is what I'm going to watch. Him become a muddy mess, but I'm going to enjoy every minute of it and be his little cheer leader. This week he will be doing his qualifications. I told him when he qualifies I would bake him a cake.... GREAT WHAT DID I DO!!!! So I guess I need to figure out some sort of cool shape to make a cake into. My sisters are great at this because they do it for their kids. I, on the other hand, only make square or rectangle cakes! Oh well. Let the fun begin!

Hopefully I won't be lazy and maybe I'll add some pictures tomorrow of my muddy man!

Sleepless Night

The last few weeks I've been battling a sinus infection. My head has been killing me. I finally went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me an antibiotic and told me to keep taking over the counter medicine to drain the mucus. I feel like death still. My head feels like its going to explode! I want it to go away. I want to train so badly, but my head hurts even worse! I'm sure it will get better soon. I need to go back to sleep, but my body hates me! It protests me. BLA!

On a better note. Jamie completed his first week at motor school. Motor school is where he is learning how to ride a motorcycle for work. He is learning how to do life saving tactics if he ever gets put in a bad situation. I am very nervous still about this motor officer nonsense. Last week I went with Jamie and his crew to an officers funeral. All of his crew road their bikes and to watch them form in their lines and ride was amazing. We road with two sergeants in the car and were also able to be in the funeral procession. People lined the streets with flags to honor the fallen officer. One man was on the side of the free way with his head bowed and hand on his heart. For fallen officers they do what is called the last call. This is a real tear jerking experience. At the cemetery the dispatcher calls the officers badge number. He doesn't respond. They call again and this time say the address of the cemetery. He doesn't respond. The last time they call they told him to go be with Heavenly Father and that is his new calling was to watch over his family and be with God. I cried. I could not keep it composed. I watched hundreds of officers all weep over the loss of one of their owns. I do not want this to be my Jamie. He told me that all motor officers wreck at least once in their life times. That is not comforting at all! I just have to let God take care of him and pray nothing happens. This coming week the families of those members going through the motor school are all invited to come watch. I'm excited to watch and to see for myself that he is safe.

Did I mention he is doing AMAZING! He is sore because his big strong muscles aren't used to do those moves. Oh and not to mention they teach them how to properly fall off the bike so they don't get hurt. So he has been practicing his falls. Ouch! He is my super hero though and Superheroes don't bruise ♥ He is so amazing.

Okay I'll try and go back to sleep now.

Nothing Will Stop Me

Last year my sister Elizabeth competed in her first triathlon. Ever since we had it in our minds that the next one we will be doing together! Sadly she moved all the way to Utah at the beginning of January. However our goal is not over. She heard about an all women's triathlon in Utah around where she lives. We talked about doing it and over the last week I have been training. Today we signed up. We sealed the deal by buying our place in the run. I'm extremely nervous, but VERY excited.

It's scary for me because every time I push my body it seems to push back. I told Jamie that I don't care how mad my body gets I am doing this triathlon even if it kills me. I want to be able to accomplish this and who better to do it with then my sister!

For those of you wondering.... No I'm not taking a bike up there. Elizabeth's husband has one that I can use. No I am not going to drive there because it's too far. I will be flying up there a few days before to get adjusted. I feel like I should go up there some time in April to see how I am doing, but I need to make sure I have the money to do so.

The date for the triathlon is May 19, 2012 and my training has already begun because I'm not sure how long it will take me to get my endurance up that high. I have never trained on a bike before so that should be interesting for sure. I used to swim all the time about 10 years ago when I was on the swim team. I ran last year the warrior dash so I think I'm okay with the run, but we will see how it all meshes together in the end.

For me the swim is easy yet hard because you have to time your breathing with the strokes. The bike would be easy if it was a flat road with no hills, but I don't think I'll get that lucky. The run will be nice minus the fact that I HATE running unless I'm going to save a person's life.

My first time in the pool I was pretty positive that I wasn't ever going to finish my work out, but when I did it was the BEST feeling in the entire world! Yesterday was my first time on the bike in over 2 years and I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. It was an awesome work out. I went straight from the bike to a short little jog just to get my legs used to the feeling. It's awkward. My legs felt like straight JELLO. All the sports use different muscle groups so it is weird.

All I know is that this is a goal I have set for myself and nothing is going to stop me. Not this stupid endo pain that has been really bad all week. Not these stupid bad cells that are just chillin in my cervix. Not even the snow would stop me. I don't care how long it takes me as long as I finish!

Dallas- Meeting the Mom

(I started this last week) The 4 days I spent my time is Dallas, Texas doing many things. First and foremost... I met Jamie's mom! I must say I was very VERY nervous because this is such a big step in our relationship. His mom and Steve (his stepdad) were very nice people and treated me with so much love. It was nice to be there and be apart of that.

His mom and Steve are both Korean and that's all they eat. I tried dried up fried seaweed and about lost all my cookies. I also tried sprouts which I was also not so fond of. Through it all I made it out okay with frequent trips to the bathroom because my tummy was not accustom to all this different food.

We met Jamie's half brother that he had never met before. It was quite a different experience. He was able to learn more about his father that had died when Jamie was still pretty young. We wanted to meet up with the rest of his half brothers but it just didn't pan out that way.

We did meet up Jamie's brother Marcus and his daughter, Navia. We took them out to lunch and went to the mall. 

On Jamie's birthday we were planning on going to Six Flags, but sadly it was closed. Instead we went to this HUGE mall and looked around. We went to Sephora and I bought new make up and Jamie bought new manly face stuff like shaving cream and such. They were even nice enough to show me how to put on my make up and how to clean my brushes and such. While at the mall we did wander into Tiffany's. It started out purely innocent because I'm in love with that place. I found a charm bracelet I really want and then a crown to go on it. As we were leaving I walked back by the engagement rings (as any girl would do) and before I knew it the sales guy was trying to get Jamie to buy me a ring. As we walked out the doors we laughed SOOOO hard because the guy was talking about money like it grew on trees and we had enough to just lay it all down right then. I decided to put in on FB that we were on Tiffany's with the caption "Yeah this is happening" in a flurry everyone was commenting and liking it as they assumed I was getting married. Jamie and I laughed about that too.

Jamie's birthday night we went to a Teppanyaki place that was really good. It was a lot different than in Hawaii. In Hawaii the cooks are very quiet and don't make a big deal about anything, but there, in Texas, everything is big with a lot of fire and fun. I liked it except for when I was trying to have a conversation and the guy kept interrupting me with his tricks.

I enjoyed spending time getting to know his mom and Steve. It was cool to see where he grew up and his home town, although everything has changed. I passed the Mom test!

I can't wait to start planning my next vacation with Jamie ♥

A Wrap on 2011

I told myself I was going to put up pictures with this post, but I'm on break at work and so well it's not happening.

January- My first trip to California with Jamie. My first time going to Sea World, Six Flags, and Universal Studios in California.

February- I had surgery and was diagnosed with endometriosis

March- Spent the month recovering and learning about my new disease

April- Went to Carlsbad, California. Went to the San Diego Zoo.

May- Ran the Warrior Dash, my first 5k!!!

June- Started my training to lose weight and be healthy

July- Found out I had a heart murmur and experienced palpitations (stopped training because too much stress on my heart)

August- New pains in weird places. Learned how to start coping with everything going on.

September- Went on a cruise with Jamie =) Loved every minute!

October- Biopsies, Pre- C cells, High grade cervical dysplasia, Grade 2

November- Leep procedure, taking notice of the small things in life that mean the most

Decemeber- Hawaii for my birthday! Pre-C, Grade 3, Christmas at home with my family and Jamie. Reunion with my BESTIE!

My goal was to lose weight and be healthier. Not only did I LOSE weight... I KEPT IT OFF!!!!!!
That's right everyone through all this mess I have been able to control my weight (for the most part) and maintain just like I wanted too.

I was hoping that at the end of 2011 all my health problems would be a thing of the past, but no such luck.

I am so thankful for all those people in my life that have been there for me every step of the way through all of this craziness of a year. I am so blessed to have so many people looking out for me and reaching out to me in ways I have never dreamed of. My family has been a great strength to me. I'm sure Heavenly Father is sick of hearing their prayers for me, but they aren't going to stop and I'm glad! Jamie and I have become closer together every day. He has given me his strength when I can't bare to go on. Randa has been there to text me all night long just to keep me smiling through all the tears. I'm so glad I got to see her in Decemeber. Emily has been there keeping up with my blogs and sending her love from hundreds of miles away. Now for the readers who have been keeping up with my blogs and sending love, advice, and encouragement I thank you. I am blessed to have become apart of something bigger than just me and my inner circle.

Through out the year the one thing that has remained the same is this...

I am blessed beyond belief. God is GREAT! He is a man of many miracles and I have been blessed by him.

As for 2012... I really REALLY want to finally accomplish my goal of doing a bikini show. I'm nervous about my scars, but they have become a part of me, the struggles I have over come, and my strength as a woman. I really REALLY want to get rid of these stupid bad cells before something bad happens. I want my body to become strong and fight through all this nonsense.

However, God may have a different plan for my 2012.

I left 2011 with a few more scars, but with a bigger, fuller heart of love! ♥