Caution: Work In Progress

I am moving forward with my New Years resolutions which are to do this triathlon and to do a fitness show. I have been doing well with my tri training. Except I seem to be pushing myself a little to hard which should come as no surprise to anyone. It's hard to train for an hour and a half to 2 hours and still go to work at night and be a normal human. I seemed to have gotten sick from another small child and I'm trying to take it easy so I don't upset my body again, but it's hard because I know I have a deadline to make.

Monday I started my diet for the fitness show. I hate dieting. It's low carb, no sugar, high protein, low fat and stuff. I have my best friend Randa and Jamie doing it with me. Randa is my person. Seriously it's so nice to have her going through it with me at the same time because she loves to eat sugar just as much as I do and doesn't judge my crazy thoughts. We love to send each other motivating pictures and quotes to keep each other going. It's so different than Jamie. I told him today that dieting sucks and he said it was a bad attitude to have in the beginning. Psh whatever Jamie you have done this diet like 100 times being a body builder and are used to it. I however am not.

Jamie and I are doing the diet in different phases. He is doing the first phase with me which is made up of 5 weeks. He decided that it would be super fun to NOT weigh ourselves for 5 weeks and then at the end of the 5 weeks weigh in and video ourselves. It sounds fun and all but it's also nice to step on the scale every morning and see your progress. I have gotten into the habit of weighing myself that breaking that habit has kind of been hard.

Today I'm really upset that I'm sick again. It's so annoying. Sore throat. Runny nose. Cough. Head ache. It's all so stupid! I want to push through and continue training, but I don't want to be set back again like last time. Am I doing something wrong with my training to get so sick all the time. I'm taking my multivitamin, astixanthin, krill oil, and like 5 other meds each morning just to ensure I stay healthy. Clearly not working! Sigh.

I am applying for nursing schools again. I'm excited and nervous. Hopefully I have all my ducks in a row this time. I'm applying for the college where my parents live. I'm not sure how it will work with my work that I so desperatly don't want to leave. I love my job! I will be commuting back and forth if I do indeed get in. It will be nice because I will get to see my family more and my Roxy dog that I love so much.

As for my endo pain... Well it comes and goes. The other morning as I was leaving for work I had a friend hold my hand the whole way out. For some reason I could not put any weight on my right side because the pain was so horrible. I managed to make it through my car and get home into bed. I was wishing I could just drop where I was, but that wasn't an option. There were things I had to do before I could drop.

I am really excited because this weekend I'm going home to my parents to just relax and do nothing really. It will be so nice to just be home where my mommy can take care of me if I need her too.

Oh Me, Oh My

Today I woke up and was super excited because Rebecca, one of my blogger friends, commented on my previous post. I went to press accept on the comment and my phone had a panic attack and I ended up pressing delete. I could have DIED!!! I freaked out because I loved her comment and I told Jamie who made a joke about me blogging about me deleting it. I told him I was because I'm so upset that I did that.

Basically the comment stated that I should not go on Lupron because for her it did not help. She went on to talk about that she soon will be having surgery on some bad cysts! (scary!) She said that she likes to snowboard too and uses her butt to stop just like my Jamie. She said J (her husband) was an instructor and when I read that all I could think of was man I wish we lived closer so J could teach Jamie! Then she asked about the shirts my sister and I are making for our super cool triathlon.

I seriously can not believe I deleted that comment. If I could kick myself in the head I would have!

My friend Sylvia who is soon to be delivering her baby girl soon text me today sending me her love and courage through all the pain I've been going through. She said she was reading a book and came across some oil treatments that are supposed to help with Endo. I told her to PLEASE send me the information because I would love to try it. What can it hurt??? (no pun intended) I'm super excited to try some of these things out because if it helps me maybe it could help someone else.

I didn't train today because my endo pain is kicking my butt and I needed to relax and take my time with training. Tomorrow hopefully I will wake up in enough time before work to train even a little bit. I do like to train because it's something that makes me feel good about me! It's something I have control over since in my world I don't have control over a lot of things.

Out of Hiding

It's true I've been hiding from the blogging world because my own thoughts were just too mis-mashed to put down on here. I didn't want to write my feelings down in fear of being judged by other people. I don't really want to hear what I'm doing wrong and how I should do this instead of that or whatever.

Over the last week ish that it's been since I've written a lot has happened. Emotionally I am drained. When the endo pain hits it drains me emotionally so everything else going on has just added on top of everything. It's like one big pile of poop! I'm not ready to go into detail about what else has been going on to make me so emotional. I know I need to write it out because it seems to help, but I'm just not ready.

On a lighter note. Jamie and I spent the weekend snowboarding. Well we drove up Sunday and went boarding Monday. It was fun. He had a hard time with it because he doesn't know how to stop so he kept falling. I haven't done it in so many years I was extremely worried about not being able to remember. Surprisingly I not only remembered, but I was better than the previous years!

Tuesday I had a follow up appointment with Dr. G (not my normal GYN) once again he tried to work me up for a problem that I already knew I didn't have. He talked to me about interstitial cystitis which I had already had ruled out if he would ever read my bloody chart!!!! He came down to saying my period pissed off my endo and any possible adhesions that have grown. He said that as long as my pain is under control with my BC that he is good with that. He kept talking to me about lupron and my head was spinning because all I could think of was how much I DO NOT want to be on that. He said that if my pain gets bad I can do another surgery to check stuff out down there or I can go on lupron. I told him right now I don't want to do anything. I can't wait to see my Dr. M next month so I can tell him what has been going on. I'm however not excited for more biopsies, but whatever. I'm pretty convinced that I'm strong enough to handle whatever the outcome is of those biopsies. I'm the least stressed about these ones even though this one is more scary!

I started diligently training for my triathlon. I'm really looking forward to it and I'm really looking forward to going up to Utah in April to see my sister and train with her. We are going to make shirts and look so cute!

Maybe I'll be brave this week and talk about the real big things that are on my mind. Then again maybe I won't.

Ps... Other endo girls... What do YOU think about Lupron?

Monday Madness

I worked all Sunday night and then Monday spent the entire day in the doctor's office. When I called yesterday morning I was a little upset that I didn't get in with my normal gyn Dr. M. I had to see Dr. G that I have never seen before and I was so nervous. I was all alone and did even have the comfort of having my own dang doctor that know everything about me. This Dr didn't even bother to read my chart. He was really nice, but come on you could read the chart!

Needless to say... Everyone was really nice and helpful to get me in. I get there at 10:45 and my appointment was at 11:10 so I just sat curled up in the chair. They finally got me back into the room and I just laid there crying because I was so miserable. The pain just kept coming and coming. He said he didn't feel anything and went over some things he thought it could be. He said that I needed an ultra sound and blood drawn. I came back at 2:30 (I just sat in my car because I live 40 minutes away.) I had my ultrasound and nothing showed.

I thought that I would for sure have a cyst, but sadly no. Nope, Nope, Nope. I was pretty bummed because that means... It's my endo. STUPID FREAKIN ENDO!!!! Dr. G said that he thinks that because of my recent decision to have my period that it flared up the pain. He said that the hormones caused everything to flair up. He also said that there could be another spot of endo or there could be something stuck down there. Or possibly the pain is just so bad and diffused through out that it feels like it's in a new place.

I said a lot of prayers in the last 24 plus hours. The best part... God listened. I really was scared and upset and He heard me. I prayed to get into the Doctor. I did. I prayed that the pain would be tolerable. It is. I prayed that no matter what was found it would be something I could handle. It is. God is great!

I came home and Jamie had just got back from his first big ride on his new motorcycle with his team. He was sad he wasn't able to come with me and knew how alone I felt and how scary it is for me to go alone.   He is an amazing man. AMAZING I tell you! Yesterday I felt his love so strong! He held my hands and said, "Let's pray." Then he muttered the most beautiful prayer on my behalf. He is the only man (besides my dad) that has prayed for me. He really does love me. I am the luckiest girl EVER!!!! I just can't believe he loves me that much. I was crying like a baby because I felt Jamie's love and God's love and it was AMAZING!!!!

This morning Jamie left for work on his motorcycle. He was so excited! It was his first time pulling out of the garage with his new bike and everything. It was a very cool first! He does look good on that bike! He told me yesterday that 2 girls already pulled a "Stephanie" and hit on him when he went to one of the gas stations that we met at. I always knew he was hot!!!!

Today being Valentine's Day I really hope I can have a happy day because I would like to make it through dinner with Jamie with out looking like an idiot in pain. I'm thinking good thoughts and bringing in good juju to myself.

Dear Pain

Dear Pain,

Do you think you can go away? I would really like it if you did. Thanks.

I have been hurting every since right before my period. My cycle wasn't too terrible, but the weeks after have just been like murder. Tonight especially has been rough. I am in so much PAIN! I don't understand. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm nervous. I'm in pain! I called my mom because I am so home sick. Mostly because I am scared out of my bloody mind. I haven't had this much pain since August/September when I went to the ER and shortly after I found out I had the Pre-C. I think I'm so scared because the pain is not my normal endo pain that I am accustom too, but it's that weird pain lower middle that is my cervix... Yup. My cervix the spot where the C word could be growing.

I'm gonna call the doctor in the morning because I'm so nervous, but I'm so scared to go alone. Jamie is on a long ride for work. Today is his first day on his new "baby" aka motorcycle and they are going on a 2 hour ride. I really wish I lived closer to my mommy. Heck I even wish my dog could come with me to the Doctor's appointment because I'm so scared.

I know everyone thinks I'm going crazy and there is realistically nothing that they are going to find at the doctor, but I'm scared. Bad things can happen and this is my body. I live in it not anyone else. I live in the pain. I live through the hurt everyday. I don't like the pain. I'm so emotional right night. I'm in pain and can't understand what is going on with my body. I want it to stop so bad. I want it all to go away.

I am supposed to start my 13 week training program today for my triathlon. I don't know how well that is going to happen. We will have to see if A. I get into the doctor. B. See what he says. and C. See how I feel. I said that nothing was going to stop me, but seriously you don't even know how debilitating this pain can be.

Everyone wish for positive thoughts and prayers to get into the doctor today!

My Motor Officer

It's official! Jamie is now a motor officer with wings to prove it! I am so proud of him!!! I had to crop the picture because I didn't want everyone in the whole world to know his last name especially if they don't like him. The most important part of this picture anyways is the new addition... the wings! 

He has been dreaming about this day for a really long time. He told me last night that he wishes he would have listened to his friend and would have done it 6 years ago, but I'm glad he didn't because we would have never met if that were the case. Right now is the time and God is great! I'm so happy that his dream has come true and he now gets to do what he has been wanting to do for a really REALLY long time. He deserves this more than anyone. He loves to get those DUI's and that's what he is going to be doing. Sadly that means missing out on more holidays than he did before and working a lot of over time and that means going to more funerals because that's what they do. I'm okay with all those things because I know that he has worked so hard to earn those wings and wants to do this. 

Last night we went to dinner and celebrated! I found out a few things about him that I never knew. I thought I knew EVERYTHING about him, but I was wrong. I found out yesterday he doesn't like the color green. I had to laugh because honestly I never knew that. I hardly wear green so I guess that is good. I'm usually wearing my blue scrubs or my pj's on my days off because I'm so exhausted.

This past week I work 5 12 hour shifts because I wanted the OT pay. I'm not exactly sure what in the heck I was thinking. I'm so happy to have days off! Today Jamie and I are driving to my parents house which is about 2.5 hours away to attend a baby blessing for my newest nephew. To be honest I didn't think Jamie would attend because it's at the church and he wants nothing to do with my religion. So for him to make this sacrifice to just attend is like a HUGE, BIG, ENORMOUS deal for me. I can't even believe he is coming. I had asked him to come, but he said no. I finally gave up asking and just went on with life. Friday after his ceremony he told me he was thinking about going to my parents and that he wants to come. When I asked him why he said that I have made a lot of sacrifices for him and that it was a simple sacrifice for him to make. He said, "What would I be doing at home anyways with out you there?" He brought up a good point! 

I'm so proud of Jamie. He is an amazing man and God has given him this opportunity and we are so blessed. I love MY motor officer ♥

Hello Reality

So I have been waiting on the mail man the last few days to bring me my package of birth control. It never came. Why? Oh because I don't take the sugar pills and they don't take that into consideration. So here I am calling my doctors office trying to get a free sample which they don't have. I'll be going to the pharmacy to pay an arm and 5 legs to get coverage.

When I called the doctor's office I also needed to set up my follow up pap exam to look at the Pre-C cells. Before they told me they needed to do more biopsies. My last follow up appointment he had written down just a pap. Today... More biopsies indeed. I don't know why I'm so upset by that. Oh probably because just having a pap means that there is hope that the Dr doesn't think it's so bad. So we are doing the biopsies. Sweet. I think I'm going to cry.

My hormones are royally effed up! Luckily my pain isn't terrible and that's probably because I'm so jacked up from the continuous BC I've been taking. I never want to try this again because it just made me feel bad about myself. It makes me feel guilty knowing that my body is screwed up and I want so badly to be normal, but that's not going to happen for me. It's just not. What's going to even happen when I try and have babies and come off the BC for real. How does that even work? I feel like I'm the one responsible for messing up my hormones.

I feel irresponsible. I should be taking better care of myself. I should have looked online and should have been tracking my BC so this wouldn't happen. None of this should be happening to me. This isn't fair. I'm stuck. I need to sleep but I have to go to the dang store.

Just when things are looking up and I'm hopeful, reality bites me in the butt!