A Bit of Good News

Friday I went my regular doctor. He got all my records from my GYN and so we were able to go over my biopsies. I'm so lucky to be in the care of some amazing doctors who really take the time to talk to me.

Lab results showed... High grade squamous intraepithelial lesion, cervical intraepithelial neoplasia level 2.  Now let me explain what all this nonsense means. When a women gets a pap there are cells that they look at. Dysplasia is the term used when the cells are abnormal. So the levels are this...

*Normal pap
*ASCUS- Atypical cells of undermined significance- the most common abnormality. Usually caused by an infection but return to normal.
*LGSIL- Low grade squamous intraepithelial lesion- body takes care of abnormal cells usually within less than 2 years. These are early changes in the cell's shape and size.
*HGSIL-High grade squamous intraepithelial lesion- very different from the normal cells. Precancerous, more likely to lead to cervical cancer.
Under HGSIL comes 3 sub-levels. These levels are called CIN. CIN- Cervical intraepithelial neoplasia dysplasia seen on biopsies.
-CIN 1- mild dysplasia- The body can still take care of this stage, but has to be monitored closely.
-CIN 2- Moderate to marked dysplasia-
-CIN 3- severe dysplasia to carcinoma-
Both CIN 2 and CIN 3 are considered closely the same. The bad cells must be taken out.
*Cancer

I hope this makes some sense. It makes sense to me now.

I got the pass to go to nursing school!!!! That is probably the most scary and exciting thing that I'm doing for myself right now. I can't believe that I'm going to do this. I sure hope I'm smart enough to do this. The doctor told me that he knows that since I'm making it through all this I am capable of making it through nursing school.

It feels so right that I'm doing this. It feels like the right time in my life. I just have one more thing to pass and then turn in my paper work! I'm so excited!

Just to clarify... I'm actually doing the LPN program then LPN to RN so I don't have to wait anymore.

Rupunzel, Rupunzel let down your hair!

I should be sleeping because I have a work meeting tomorrow and a lot of other ish going on tomorrow, but here I am. Awake. Watching Tangled. I'm like 5 right now! I actually like this movie. It is rather CUTE!!! I still can't believe I'm watching this right now!

I wish I knew a Rupunzel that could heal me with her hair!

I didn't go to Vegas with some of the girls from work. I'm rather bummed about it, but it was going to be more money than I have and it was going to be a long drive by myself. I didn't want to spend money to be alone in my car. I can do that any time I want.

Jamie is taking me to Sedona this weekend for some mental and emotional healing. I am excited to hike and see Sedona for the first time.

On Friday I'm going to see my normal doctor to get my referral for my procedure and to get my okay to go to nursing school. I'm pretty nervous about all this. I mean seriously right now! AH! I also should have  my recent stuff available to talk to my doctor about. I don't really know what to even think right now. I can't wait to talk about all my results more in depth. Mostly I can't wait for that go ahead to start nursing school!

I'm ready to move forward. I have a TON to do in the next few weeks to make sure I'm ready for school.

Strange Sleep

The last week since I've worked has been so weird. Usually I have no problems switching back to nights after going to see my family, but I have had some issues this time.

Sunday when I got home from my parents I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 3am. I went to church and went into work to help out. I then fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 3am again.

Monday, after waking up at 3, I fell back asleep at 11am and slept til 6pm. I then fell asleep AGAIN at midnight to noon on Tuesday.

Tuesday, it's noon, I wake up and fiddle around and do my usual stuff. I make it til 3am where I nap until 5am.

Wednesday I sleep like my night shift usual! YAY! I slept all day. I got up and went to the gym only to fall asleep around 10 and woke up at 5 this morning.

Here it is Thursday morning. I have to work tonight. I really need to sleep during the day today, but I've already slept all night (mostly.)

In other news... Jamie and I just booked tickets to go see his mom in Texas for his birthday!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm so excited and nervous and about 50 other things! I can't believe this! I hope is mom is accepting of this crazy American girl ♥

Pre C

Thursday I was working an overtime shift partially during the day. On my way to work I saw that the Dr. had called. I called them back as I was driving. I asked to speak with the nurse that had called me. She got on the phone and said, "We got your results back. You have high risk cervical dysplasia. We need to have another procedure done to remove that."

I shut down. I stopped listening. All I could think of was MOTHER EFFFFFFFFF!!!! I knew right away the seriousness of what was going on. Precancerous cells growing inside of me with a high risk of evolving into... Cancer.

I remember her saying something about it needs to be done no later than 2-3 months. You have the option of being completely sedated or just having a local. I chose to be completely sedated. She said they would call me tomorrow and set up the appointment.

I'm pretty sure she said more, but I honestly can remember much. I don't remember getting off the freeway. I don't know how I didn't wreck.

I called Jamie because he had called while I was getting ready to call the dr's office back. I couldn't breathe. I was scared. He told me he would be there for me and I will get through this.

Next I called my mom, but she didn't have her phone. I called my dad and told him. I cried. I called my mom a little bit later because my dad had gotten a hold of her.

I went into work.

Numb.

Alone.

What do I even do next?

What happens from here?

Friday I scheduled my appointment for my procedure. It's called a LEEP procedure. (Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure) It's scheduled for November because the guy in charge of putting me to sleep is out of the country on a medical mission. Nice of him to just up and leave!

Like I said I chose to be sedated. Let me explain why. Although this procedure doesn't take long it is quite scary for me. I work in the lovely medical field where I will know if something goes wrong by a simple voice change. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to smell anything (they have to cauterize to stop the bleeding.) I just don't want to know what's going on until it's over. Some might think this is a little over the top, but I think it's perfect for me and that's all that matters.

I'm so over this year.

I'm so ready to be done with seeing my doctor on a monthly basis. Really!

I am going to stop by later today in hopes of getting my results so when I go to my regular dr she can talk to me about the results more in depth. I have to go to the regular dr anyways to get clearance to have the procedure done.

Friday night and Saturday were spent in P*town with Jamie and my family. It was so nice to talk to my grandparents and know of their support and love for me. It was such a blessing to have most of my family gather around. I did miss my oldest sister and her family, but I'm sure I will see them next time.

I'm trying not to take things for granted anymore. Not that I think I'm going to die, but more because I lucky. I know that it isn't my time to go no matter what comes of this. I know that I'm here for a reason. I also know that there is some reason I am going through this.

This whole year has been an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready to get off before I puke!

I'm praying my Pre C doesn't turn into the Big C.

If that's God's will, then I'll kick it's butt!

????

I feel like I have been waiting for eternity to get here as I wait for my test results. My father put things into perspective by saying that right now I just have a HUGE ? on my health.

 That's just so true. 

There are times I feel so crazy. There are times when I down play others pain because it couldn't possibly be worse than mine. There are times when I just want to yell at people because they think their life is so easy because they are worrying about what shoes to wear with their brand new dress. There are sometimes when I hear people complain about money, their living situation, or basically anything I just want to tell them to shove it because they could have it so much worse.

This all probably makes me a terrible person.

However, I am aware of my feelings and have been trying to work on them. Yes, my life is NOT TERRIBLE. It's not even mostly bad. True we all have our own trials and what is hard for one person is easy for another. I'm not bloody stupid. I'm actually quite smart beyond my years. I just get so frustrated because I can't seem to find answers and I have been dealing with this for quite some time. And just like I downplay other's pain, they in return do the same for me. "Oh it's not that bad." "Just take some meds and you will be fine." "You look healthy."

Really it's worse than just bad. I take the medicine I can, but I do need to be functional and be able to work. The medicine doesn't even work just FYI! I look healthy because on the outside I'm 22 on the inside I'm 72. My insides tell me I'm old. Maybe my "old soul" has taken over my body. 

Things that give me hope:

Alma 11:44 Now, this restoration shall come to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, both the wicked and the righteous; and even there shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost; but every thing shall be ^arestored to its perfect frame, as it is now, or in the body, and shall be brought and be arraigned before the bar of Christ the Son, and God the ^bFather, and the Holy Spirit, which is ^cone Eternal God, to be ^djudged according to their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil.

I know the pain will go away, at some point, and never come back.

I know that at some point my life there will be more light than darkness. 

I know that at some point this will all be a thing of the past.

This has indeed been the hardest year of my life so far. 

Who knows what is next to come?

??????????

Positive

I'm trying my hardest to remain positive as I wait for my results. It wasn't for sure going into the doctor's on Wednesday if I would for sure need a biopsy. I was hoping deep down that I wouldn't and that after he looked it would be clear and free of any abnormal cells. Unfortunatly, that was not the case. I had two places that had abnormal cells. He took biopsies from both of them. The first one I couldn't feel much, but the second I could. He then did another swab thingy to check where he couldn't see. I held back my tears when he said there was not one but 2 spots and they would need to be tested. Lucky for me my mom was there to hold my hand every step of the way. She even was reminding me to breath!

I thought the hard part was over until I soon realized I have to now wait for the results. That for me is the hardest part. Everyone keeps saying I will be fine and I'm trying to stay positive and believe that, but let's just be real right now... this situation, no matter the outcome, sucks. Like I have said a BAGILLION (that's a word) times before... Physically I can take on anything and I will make it through, but the emotional side of me will and has taken a beating. I should be finding the results out hopefully this week. I want it to be Monday (today), but I don't know if it will happen.

My pain has been really bad since the tests and such. Not only my endo pain, but also the pain and cramping coming from the biopsy sites. Last night was horrible and today I'm having the aftermath of a bad night. I know at some point everything will get better. Not today, this month, or maybe even this year, but at some point my pain WILL go away for good!

I managed to make it through my class yesterday with out dying or falling asleep. I learned more in that class than I thought I would. It mostly talked about babies dying in utero or shortly after. We don't see much of that in the pediatric er because if they are pregnant they are sent to adult er. However we do deal with death and so I can apply the things I learned to any death and my friends and family who have to suffer through this terrible trial. The teacher said something that really just made sense to me. She said, "It doesn't matter how far along she is when it happens, but the attachment she has to the child." I don't know why I have never thought of that before. It's so true. It's a beautiful truth. I learned that it was okay if the family sees you crying because that shows them you are human. In labor and delivery when there is a baby that dies in utero they take pics of the baby. It seems like such a nice gesture and very kind, but I'm still unsure whether I can fulfil that duty. I guess it's something I will have to work on if I get the opportunity to do so. We also learned that in Arizona we have very loose laws for when there is a death. Families can take the baby home and bury it on their own with a permit. This was quite a shock to me because down here when we have a death 9 times out of 10 they are a medical examiner case and so that is not even an option for us.

This week has been a very interesting one to say the least and I will keep praying for a good outcome. I know that it's all in the Lord's hands and he will never give me more than I can handle. I am ready for whatever happens and know that I am a strong woman. In the ER we have a saying... Plan for the worst... Hope for the best. I've got that down pretty much to a T.

Don't Judge

To some people they can't quite understand why I lately I have been a little more grumpy or mean.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have a disease that is currently a MAJOR part of my life. I have more pain than you can ever imagine, yet here I am functioning because I have too. Here I am working like a normal human, not because I feel up to it, but because if I don't I won't have enough money to pay my bills and I'll lose my insurance, which is a HUGE deal to me right now. I don't have control over my pain. For the past year the pain has controlled my life. It gets to dictate what I do and do not do.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have a serious test coming up tomorrow that has me scared out of my MIND! I would love to say that it will be fine, but last time I thought everything was going to be fine I woke up with a disease that has yet to stop hurting me.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years and yes it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, but dang it he has been by my side through all of this. NOT YOU! He has been my greatest strength and weakness. I do realize my mom has been there too. I'm not discrediting my mother in any way, shape, or form, or my family for that matter. However there are people out there in my life that are still confused as to why I am in my current situation. Well it's hard to be alone when you feel like everything is failing in your life.

I don't expect everyone to understand my life, but I do expect people to not judge me as I work through MY life. I don't expect people to pity me, but I do expect people to give me a little consideration. I'm not asking much here. I emotionally am at my breaking point with everything and everyone right now. I honestly am emotionally drained. You have not walked one step in my shoes. Not one. You don't know what is going on. I can almost promise y'all that if you had to deal with the pain I deal with you too would be upset and angry.

I feel guilty that my mom drives up here and goes to my appointments, but honestly I'm so thankful she does.
I feel bad that Jamie has to deal with a broken girlfriend.
I feel like a weight on every one's shoulders. (and by everyone I mean my family and Jamie)
I feel like Jamie deserves to have someone that is healthy.
I feel like my mom deserves to have a healthy daughter so she doesn't always have to worry about me.
I feel like I have no control over my life.
I feel like I have lost my beauty of being a woman.

Last week I was so upset with things going on I spent almost an entire time at the gym hitting the punching bag so hard that my hands were bleeding. No lies. Blood!

Now listen if you are in some way offended by this, that was not my intent, but if you are that just means that you are not innocent and maybe you are one of the people I am talking about. Guilty conscious much?