Christmas and More!

I arrived home Wednesday evening to my parents house to begin Christmas. My nephew Josiah decided that he wanted to have a sleep over at my parents house so he was there enjoying time with my parents. They had made snowman pancakes and so I had one too. I had so much fun spending time with Josiah. I got to read to him bedtime stories. We sang together and even said prayers together. When I put him to bed I crawled into the bed and even fell asleep with him for a bit. The next morning he wanted snowman pancakes again. I even put chocolate chips for the eyes, nose, mouth, and buttons. They were also covered in snow, or powdered sugar for those lame people that don't know what snow is!

Christmas Eve was filled with so much love and memories. Jamie came down to spend Christmas with me for the first time since we started dating over 2 years ago. When he arrived my family was gathered making enchiladas in the dutch oven. After we ate dinner we had our family Nativity. Let me add here that I have NEVER invited anyone to my family Christmas nativity. Jamie had never done anything like this before and was still willing to be a wise man. I played an angel with my 2 oldest nieces and had fun. My mom then read us a story about believing in Santa and how Santa is like Jesus. We ate cobbler for dessert! YUMMM!!!

Later Jamie and I got to play Santa's helpers as we put together a red wagon for my parents. Then we had to walk up to my sister's house because we needed to deliver a special present to my parents. Us siblings chipped in and made my parents a picnic table. We put our hand prints on it with our names. I had put my hands in the shape of a heart because Family= LOVE! Elizabeth (my sister), Andrew (my brother in law), Shane (my other brother in law), Jamie and I all helped to move the picnic table into my parents front yard. We had to be very quiet and the dogs were going crazy! How we never got caught I don't actually know!

Christmas morning was my parents, Jamie and I. We shared gifts, laughed, oh'ed and awed over presents and then ate HOMEMADE cinnamon rolls. Jamie got my sweats, a sweater, and a gift card all from V.S. He also got me a new toothbrush! My parents got me the angel that now completes my own nativity set that my mom got me for my birthday and Christmas. I also got a lace skirt from my parents and a picture that is a quote about being a princess from my dad. My brother got my a waffle maker.

All the gifts were good, but the best gift that I got this Christmas was... Spending time with almost everyone I love in one place at one time. I cried (because I'm a baby) to have everyone together because it's been such an emotional year that having everyone together is just what I needed to end the year off right.

Jamie had to leave earlier than expected because his daughter was sick so she was dropped back off at his house. He didn't want her to be alone on Christmas so he hurried home. I cried for a long, long time when he left. I was pissed. I was really upset, but that's a whole different story.... He felt really bad for having to leave, but he needed to be there for his daughter.

Later during family dinner my sisters went on and on about how amazing his and what I great guy I have. DUH PEOPLE!!!! I've been trying to tell you that for like 2 years now!

Monday I had lunch with my best friend from high school! It was so much fun to just talk like old times and just be around someone my age that totally gets me and laughs about all the same stupid stuff that I do. We gossiped like any girl would do and laughed so loud people were probably annoyed.

Tuesday afternoon when it was time for me to go home my grandpa brought over a late birthday present which was a frame for a painting I had made a few years back. The frame was PERFECT for the painting and I can not wait to hang it up! As I came to my sister's house to tell her goodbye Josiah crawled up on my lap and took a blanket and cuddled with me. I love him! Sadly they are moving to Utah this coming week and I am really sad although I have already promised them that I am coming and will be making a snowman with them as requested by Avery and Josiah!

I loved being home! I seriously have so much more appreciation for the small things in my life now. I guess a cancer scare can do that too you. Yup I just used the "c" word!!! I am so ready for this all to be a thing of the past, but until then I will continue to push through all this and become the best I can.

Thank you to God for an amazing Christmas in the arms of the ones I love!

Word.

Today I went to my normal doctor to talk to him about my results. He said that the biopsies showed CIN 2 and CIN 3. To save me from repeating myself please read this to help you remember.

Here are my worries and concerns...

So in the 2 months it took to do the leep did the cells grow?

Or maybe they just didn't get a big enough piece to see a big picture of what was going on the first time?

If there are cells left over what is going to happen?

What if they grow fast?

I realize they are monitoring me very very closely, but still it's SCARY business.

On a positive note... My doctor is EPIC!!!! Right before my Leep procedure he was in Nepal with a bunch of other medical people teaching the doctors there how to do simple procedures and surgeries. What an awesome doctor! Seriously! This guy does these trips once a year to different countries. This amazing person is working on MY case to keep my healthy! I am blessed! GOD IS GOOD!

Another positive thing... I am done with my Christmas shopping. I am VERY excited to have Jamie coming home for Christmas with me. He is in for a BIG treat. He has no idea what goes down in my family when it comes to Christmas. This year I have a full dozen neices and nephews and it's going to be crazy fun! He claims to not like big families, but seems to love my family! Good news... My family is VERY excited to have him come. I went out and bought him stuff so he could have gifts to unwrap. I love him! This will be a Christmas to remember FOREVER!

Vacation

I'm back from vacation!

I had a lot of fun and made some cool memories! I went to places I had never gone to the last time. We went to North Shore and saw HUGE waves. We went to the West side and watched the sun set. We hiked to a water fall. We hiked to the top of a volcano. We went paddle boarding on the East coast. We went snorkeling. I had so much fun.

One night I walked down to the beach and called Jamie. It was so weird to not have him there with me. I missed him like CRAZY! On my birthday he arranged to have flowers sent to my room. What an amazing boyfriend I have.

There is so much I want to say right now, but don't have the words to say what I want too.

Jamie is coming home with me for Christmas. I could not be more excited.

I will be going to meet his mother for the first time in January and am nervous and excited.

Ugh.

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. SERIOUSLY!

I have so much on my mind. It's a crazy place in there.

Anyways. I'm back. I had fun. I'm happy to be back though. I'm even more excited to be home for Christmas. We are even having family pictures taken before Christmas. I better pick out something cute to wear! We are gonna wear blue and yellow. I love my family. I wonder if they will let Roxy be in the pictures <3

I have laundry to do. Maybe I will get my crazy mind sorted out and I'll let you know what's going on in there!

Eh...

Yesterday the doctor's office called with my results. The previous few nights I had been sleeping terribly and so I ended up waking up earlier on Monday than I had expected. I saw that I had a message from the doctor's office and my heart started to race and my hands became shaky.

I called them back.

"The margins are positive. However the endocervical canal is negative so that is good. The doctor would like to see you in March for another colposcopy, but we don't have the schedule that far so can you call back in January?" "Oh you have an appointment in January well you can make the appointment then."

*click*

Wait. What just happened. She sounded happy on the phone. But is this good or bad. I don't even know what to think.

*Breathe*

Okay so the margins are positive... that means that there are still bad cells left in there. They are high grade dysplasia and can grow faster than low grade dysplasia.

However... when they took out the bad cell pieces they burnt the area to make it stop bleeding. They are hoping that when they burnt the areas that the bad cells died. There is no way to check that until March when they redo the biopsies. They have to wait until then because my business needs time to heal. Also if they do it to soon it could result in a false positive or false negative.

The endocervical canal is negative. That is GOOD! That means the bad cells have not started growing up into my uterus.

I made the rounds calling and texting people to let them know.

Jamie and I went and got my emissions tested and oil changed. Then we attempted to go play tennis however in this HUGE city I live in there is no where with lights to play that you don't have to pay for. I was devastated. We decided to put up the tree.

There was one more person I needed to call and that was my dad. When I called I let him know and he just kept saying how sorry he was that I have to go through this. I was choking back the tears, but it's my daddy and all my walls broke down. I told him how disappointed I was. How scared and devastated I am. I could hear him getting choked up and quickly changed the subject to I was coming home for Christmas. I told him he could call my grandparents and let them know or I would tell them when I came down for Christmas. He said he would be calling them right now. I got off the phone and cried.

Yeah what I'm going through sucks. Just flat out sucks. I was so ready to move on. To never worry about this again. To move forward and passed all this. But here I am, pushing through the tears, building up a wall so know one knows and praying for strength to keep pushing.

We put up the Christmas tree. I cried a lot. Sara put up most of the decorations. Jamie's house looks like a Christmas explosion.

I must say that I really would rather go home and be with my family this week then go to Hawaii. I really just want to be with the ones I love and hold them close.

No I'm not flipping DYING, but it's still not easy news or an easy thing to do alone. Thank goodness I'm not alone and have a lot of people who are cheering me on!

Heaven's Touch

This morning I went over to Jamie's house after work. I walked in and noticed first thing that there was candles lit. As I continued to walk in there was Christmas music playing. Jamie came peeking around the corner and I gave him a HUGE hug! While in the embrace he began to dance with me.

As we were dancing my favorite Christmas song came on and I began to cry. I was crying because this was the sweetest thing EVER and no one had ever done anything like this before. I also started crying because all my walls were breaking down and I had to acknowledge all my fears that I have been hiding about my sickness.

I was listening to the words of this song I started crying harder...

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy

Breath of Heaven

("Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant)

This song became my own person prayer. I was crying and singing all at the same time and it was a hot mess! Jamie just held me in a tight embrace until I gained my composer back and the next song came on where he sang to me and we laughed together.

What a special moment we shared together. It was a simple thing he did that made my day so much better. I must say I do love him.

As for my "prayer" to heaven, I really felt strengthened after breaking down those walls and admitting that I'm struggling. It was a moment where I realized Mary, although chosen for this large task, was scared, worried, alone, weak and struggling. If the mother of my Savior can have moments of weakness then I believe it is okay for me to have those moments too. She was a real women and had feelings just like me. Obviously our situations are a lot-a bit different, but she felt those feelings and that is a great strength to me.

That moment gave me a little glimpe of Heaven's touch on my life.