Taking it Easy

Yesterday was THE day. I had my LEEP. I'm so glad I chose to be put to sleep during the procedure because there was just no way I could handle being awake for that.

When I was waking up from the procedure I of course started to cry. For some reason that is my reaction to the medicine that puts me to sleep. They tried to stand me up, but I almost fell. So then I had to get myself together so I could stand up and walk into the next room. My mom was in the next room waiting for me. I was still pretty out of it trying to talk to my mom and ask her what time it was. I was glad it was over and soon was hungry.

After my mom took me to Dairy Queen to get a cheeseburger and ice cream OF COURSE!!!! We then came to my house and just hung out.

Jamie came over later to check on me to make sure I was doing well. He is so sweet. He gave me the biggest hug ever and just was so happy to see me.

This morning I woke up earlier than normal, probably because my sleep schedule is messed up, but Jamie also came over this morning to see how I was before he headed off to bed.

Later today my mom and I are planning on going shopping for Christmas presents.

I'm feeling really good. I'm cramping and spotting, but I've been through a lot and I can totally handle this! I'm really trying to take it easy and keep myself from doing anything too crazy.

Although... In a little over a week I will be headed off to Hawaii for a lot of fun!!!!

Giving Thanks

Today was a great day. I spent Wednesday night working so I knew my time would be limited on Thursday before I had to return again to work. Wednesday evening my brother that is just older than me text me and asked if I would be coming to play football for the annual family football game. I explained to him no that I would be working and so I wouldn't be able to come. He then asked where I would be eating turkey at. I told him that I had no plans because I was working and Jamie doesn't really do anything special for Thanksgiving. He told me that they would be coming to his in laws house and invited me to come eat at their house for dinner. I was thrilled!

I know my brother and I aren't that close, I could tell you thousands of stories about that, but he really cares about me and it's really the little things like this that matter in life ♥

After I ate I got to hold their baby and bounce her to sleep. Another moment that matters most in life ♥

I called my mom and we talked for the longest time about nonsense really. She cracks me up! A moment that matter most ♥

I went to Jamie's before work. Jamie and Sara were sitting in the living room watching a movie. I laid down my head on his lap and just took in the moment. It was a beautiful moment ♥

Now I'm at work surrounded by my work family and just having a good night. Yeah sure we are busy, but we are managing to make it a good night regardless of the patients that keep coming in.

Thanksgiving turned out nothing like I expected in my mind, but that just goes to show that our plans aren't always the ones that matter most.

Mostly today I'm thankful to be alive. I thankful for the body that I have and that I get to live here, now and I get to see all these little moments in life that mean the most to me. I'm thankful to have a body to rock these trials with class and elegance. Being alive is pretty much AWESOME!

EPIC!!!

Saturday morning when I got off work I was getting gas and realized I missed a call. It was my older brother Ren. I checked my vm and he asked if I wanted to go to the ASU vs UA football game. I immediately called him back and went CRAZY!!!! Of course I wanted to go, but I had to work. I told him I would try to find someone to cover for me and I would let him know.

I frantically called my work to get numbers of people that could cover a few hours for me so I could at least go to half of the game if not all. I text everyone and their brother to see if they would work. Just as I was getting into bed a girl text back and said she would work for me until 11. That gave me a few hours to be at the game.

I honestly was so excited I couldn't even sleep. I have never been to an ASU game before. I have never even been to a real stadium to watch football before. This was going to be AWESOME!!!!!

I met my brother and we went to the game. We had great seats in the bottom section near the 50 yard line. We were close to the student section so we didn't look stupid cheering. We stood most of the game because it was so exciting and fun. There was a guy behind me who kept saying the strangest things. At one point I threw my hands in the air and I hit him. I turned around and apologized. He told me it was okay because I was a sun devil fan and I could do anything I want.

After the first quarter an older gentleman and his wife came in. They sat below us to the left. The old man was cursing and screaming at the team. I was laughing so hard. Then he was convinced there was a riot when he first walked in.

There were these younger boys standing in from of me. One was so short he couldn't see over all the people standing up. I felt so bad for him and was very concerned about the fact that he couldn't see. At some point he decided to stand on the bleacher so he could see. That was smart!

We stayed and watched half time and most of the 3rd quarter. It was so awesome to be there! I wish we could have stayed the whole time, but I have to make money somehow. After we left we ran to the car and listened to the rest on the radio on the way back to work. Sadly in the end ASU lost. MAJOR BUMMER!!!!

The good news... I crossed something off my bucket list! <3

EPIC NIGHT!

PS I'll post pictures as soon as I get them from my brother.

A Note

Having the last 6 days off have been great I must say. I did have to go into work one morning to "update" my skills, but that was no biggee.

I have been sick 5 out of 6 days. Why do I work with a bunch of sick kids who sneeze, cough, hold my hand, and hug me. Oh because they are so DARN cute! I love those kids. Although they will probably never remember me again it's nice to be around those loving kids.

Today is kind of a bad day. *graphic details ahead* So as it goes women switch every month from which side the ovulate from and so on and so forth. When it comes to my right side it is brutal! Then when I'm supposed to have my period it is another round of uncomfortable pain and such. Last time i ended up in the ER from so much pain. Since I'm currently not able to move very well I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Notebook" which I will probably end up crying by the end. What I don't understand is why I can still be in so much pain, but I don't have periods because I'm on continuous birth control. I don't get it! I honestly have not had a period since my surgery because I am too scared to find out what will happen if I do.

I spent my days off working out at the gym which was a nice time. I really do like to go to the gym and burn off some of those extra calories. It makes me feel good about myself. Like I'm in control and I am doing something for me. I am always searching to be in control which lately I'm not in control of much.

I also spent hours upon hours cleaning. Jamie's house to be exact. I think it's all the medicine went to my head and made me a little crazy. I seriously deep cleaned 2 bathrooms and the kitchen.

What I seriously want right now is some cookie dough ice cream. If that could magically appear in my hand right now, THAT would be GREAT. I keep trying to tell Jamie to bring me some... He keeps saying he is looking for bad guys. PSH! like THAT is important or something!

Trying to Find the Blessing

Trying to find a blessing in a trial, or in my case it feels like multiple trials, is like trying to find that last Easter egg that no one can remember where it's hidden, but we just know it's out there somewhere.

I know that there are blessings out there, but it's hard to locate them.

I had planned to turn in my nursing paper work for today, November 14. Last week when I was going through my last checks on my paperwork, I realized I was a week behind and that the paperwork was actually due in the morning. I happened to be at work and was extremely stressed about the fact that I still had an entrance exam to take which need to be done after work and I had to be back later that night for another shift. I went home, showered, and took my 3 hour long test. I totally aced it!!! I was so excited because now I was on my way to FREEDOM! I had to speak with a nursing counselor type person to make sure all my paperwork was in check. As she was going through it she informed me I had the wrong fingerprint card so I would not be allowed to turn in my paper work at that time. I swallowed hard. Said, "What do I need to do?" She explained I would need to be re fingerprinted and get a new card and it would be 65 dollars. I choked on my pride and maybe a few tears and simply replied, "Thank you." She was shocked. She said, "You are taking it quite well, I've seen many tears in that chair." I said, "It's all in God's hands." She muttered something that I don't remember and I left. I got in my car and drove home. I was completely deflated. My dreams had once again escaped my reach and I was left in the same place, doing the same things, with not even a glimmer of hope. I had been texting my mom all day updating her on the status. She was bummed out and said something along the lines of it's going to be okay and something good will happen.

Okay let's have a get real moment right now... Every single time this year I have gotten my hopes up about something good happening or it not being as bad as it seems, it ALWAYS comes back to bite me right in that big place called my BUM-BUM!!!!!! I was really hoping and praying that January would be the start of something new and fresh. That I would be doing something and moving forward.

Every time this year I have had something bad happen and I have hoped for something good it's been bad...

February 2011- I think I'm having surgery to have scar tissue removed. Nope. I have endometriosis.

July 2011- I think I'm having anxiety. Nope. I have a heart murmur and an arrhythmia.

September 2011- I think I have pain from a cyst. Jamie says I haven't had a pap in awhile. I think everything will be fine. Abnormal pap.

October 2011- I think the bad pap is just nothing big. Wrong. Precancer.

I can list at least 5 people just off the top of my head who have had this cervical crap and have ended up fine, but forgive me for being worried about my fate. Some may say so what you're just at a 2 you will be fine. Well how am I too be sure of that. The other cells died before they could do the biopsy. Is that good or bad? I don't even know. I'm having this serious procedure done that is used to get rid of cancer. Yes, I'm not the only one to ever go through this, but it's been a crazy year health wise and honestly I don't know what to expect anymore. I'm trying to stay positive and pray that it hasn't spread, but then something happens like I start spotting and completely lose my marbles all over again. (Abnormal spotting is never a good sign when it comes to cervical cancer.)

To be honest I wonder if I didn't get into the nursing program because something bad is going to happen. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's hard to be positive and happy all the time. I'm looking for the blessing that is hiding somewhere through out all this.

My dad told me that there is obviously something I need to learn and my family as well needs to learn from all of this.

I wish I could say I'm so sick of learning, but I'm not. I haven't given up. Nor will I ever. I am a survivor, a fighter (maybe a scrapper), and STUBBORN!

One blessing that happened today to remind me that God is GREAT... Jamie has been trying for over a year to get to be a motor officer. After being passed over multiple times for bogus reasons, he had almost given up on his dream. Today we got the call that they chose him to join the motor officer team. I could not be more proud of him. He of course is more nervous than ever, but I know that he will pass motor school and be AMAZING at it. I jumped around like a 5 year old on Christmas once I realized what was going on. I would have screamed, but he was on the phone and we were at the gym. Although I'm nervous about him being out there on a motorcycle all the time, I'm so excited and proud. I know that it was all in God's good time. I even told him this last time he went to his interview that if he didn't get the job it was God's way of saying he has other plans for you. I can't believe that it happened and he will be living out his dreams. He truly deserves it and I'm grateful to God that He allowed Jamie to have this opportunity.

I don't know what God has in store for me, but I sure hope it's great. I know the blessings will come in His good time. I will keep searching each day for the smallest of blessings to help remind me that I am alive and blessed.

God Gave Me You

When I first heard this song I immediately thought of Jamie. He has been such a strength to me in my MANY hours of weakness. He has been there through so many tears and heart ache. I know that God gave me Jamie to be strength and to be my rock. He has been the strong one and has worked really hard to keep me positive. 

I realized this song applies to a lot more people than just Jamie.

My parentals have been sent to me for SOOOO many reasons! My mom has been to so many doctors appointments and spent so many hours in the car just to spend maybe 2 hours with me. She has literally held my hand through so many scary appointments. I honestly don't know what I would do with out her in my life. She sends me sweet treats just to let me know that she is thinking about me and that she loves me. My Dad has been there to ask me all the hard questions. He knows me so well and knows when I'm hiding my true feelings. He has been there for me to have serious chats with and to laugh with. He lets me know I'm his princess and no matter what happens he will be there for me. 

My sisters have been there for me to talk to at various times during the day. I can text my oldest sister any time during the day and she just chats with me and keeps me sane. My other sister is there to chat with and give me her perspective as an ob nurse. She has had so many good insights and has kept me from doing anything drastic with my health.

My grandparents have been so kind to me. I sat down with them and they were so worried about me. I could see how much they care for me. My grandparents shared so many positive stories and how much they love me. I'm so blessed to have them praying for me and caring so much about me.

There has been so many others in my life that have meant a lot to me. My long time best friend Randa. She makes me laugh no matter what is going on in my life! Emily who just randomly sends me cute messages so I know I'm loved and she is thinking of me. There are so many other people I can't even name them all. For all of you have leant a helping hand and extended out arms to hug me (even from a far distance) I will forever be thankful.

I know with out a doubt that God puts people in our life for a reason. It is up to us to figure out that reason. Sometimes we are to learn and grow from them. Sometimes we are to let them help us even though we are too stubborn sometimes to except it. 

This has been the HARDEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!! AND.... it's not over yet.

Thank you all for your love and support through this!

PS. You can find the original, beautiful video here.