Pre-C Free!!!!

Yeah you read that right!!!! I'm 100% Cancer FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words can not describe how happy I am at this moment in my life. It feels like I can walk a little lighter and stand a little taller.

They called me this morning and left a message and the message was something like this... biopsy results are okay and follow up in 6 months. I was pissed because I need to know what the heck okay meant! Seriously okay can mean a billion different things! So I called them and left a message. I was probably rude in it, but mostly because I was mad they didn't tell me what okay was! They called back and I was getting a package out of the mail (my new tri shorts!) and missed the call. They left an extended message basically reading me word for word what the test results said. Everything was benign and no dysplasia or anything. I freaked out and Jamie gave me the biggest hug ever and I just sighed because I was so happy. At first I was just in shock about the whole thing and was like yeah it's cool and it wasn't until I called my dad when I realized just how amazing and awesome this really is! It hit me just how amazing this really and truly is.

So many prayers have been answered and I am truly blessed.

Thank you to those who have been praying and/or thinking about me during this hard time in my life. It has been crazy and hard, but I and we made it through!

I did it. We did it! It's over!!!!

BRING IT ON!

So I must admit that I've been really stressed about this whole waiting nonsense. I was REALLY hoping that when I woke up this morning there would be a voicemail waiting. Speaking of voice mails... Thursday when I woke up there was a voicemail and I got really excited, but it was from my other Dr.'s office reminding me that I have an appointment on Tuesday. Which I wonder what I was thinking when I scheduled that appointment because I have to work that night. Oh well whatever wouldn't be the first time I lost sleep by going to a Dr's appointment.

Back to the issue at hand... I now have to wait until Monday to get my results and it better be only til Monday because my heart palpitations are going WILD with excitement. I had a dream last night that they called and left a message and when I called them back they told me that everything was perfect and it was just a fluke deal and that he would see me in 6 months to follow up with me then. I remember being so excited and relieved. Please Dear God, let that be a dream come true, but thy will be done (That is my constant prayer.)

The last few days have just been really stressful and I have been feeling really deflated and just sort of floating through everything in my life. I've been thinking a lot lately about a bucket list. Yeah that's right I said it. BUCKET LIST! (My best friend is going to kill me when she reads this because she hates when I say that.) I should really come up with a better name for it because it sounds kind of sad, but really I don't look at it that way. Just things that I want to before I can't do them anymore. One of the things that was on this list was going to "Wicked" the musical. Earlier this month I went with some of the women in my family and it was amazing! So I checked that off the "List!"

Something that I have been dying to do is going to a concert. I've never really been to a real concert where people are dancing and singing along and having fun. I was raised mostly on listening to country music and that has always been something Jamie and I don't get along about. Today I was talking to him about this big concert event where you pay x amount of money and get to see 4 different concerts during the year. I had asked my best friend, but she wasn't able to attend some of the concerts so it would be pointless so I was really bummed. As I was talking to Jamie about it (via text because I hardly ever see him) I expressed my want to go do these things and he said "okay so let's go." I of course was shocked and said but it's country and would you even like that? He said, "not really, but I would like to be with you." I broke down because that is so sweet of him. All the stress that I've been going through just left me as I just basked in the moment. It was probably a good thing I was at work so I couldn't bawl like a baby. Hopefully soon I'll be checking -Go to a concert- off my list.

Dear Monday, come sooner because I want to hear good news! <<< As I just wrote that I thought how silly I must sound still hoping for good news after I've had so much bad news. I refuse to give up hope. I refuse to stop believing. I know that I can do hard things. When hard things come my way I say BRING IT ON!!!!! I can take you and more! I am strong! (Big thanks to my Mom and Dad for always teaching me that I am strong and I can do hard things.)

Maybe someday I'll post on here my "List"

Bla

Last night I didn't get much sleep because I was so nervous and stressed about today's biopsies.

My mom came and picked me up at 7:30 and we made the 30 plus minute drive to Dr M who is the Dr I've been working with for over a year now. We had to wait about 15 min to get back which I was prepared to do. I had to do a pregnancy test and it was negative of course.

Dr. M came in and was super peppy as always and I was sort of just bla because well this was not a happy thing to be at the GYN for. He said they were just going to do a normal pap and then take a look under the microscope thing and see if there were any bad cells. If there were he would take a biopsy of them, but he didn't seem to thing he would find anything. He had to use vinegar on my cervix to check for the bad spots and that kind of stung. He said that everything was looking great and he could hardly even tell I had the LEEP done. He was being super optimistic. He took a look under the scope and found a new spot. Yup you read that right. A NEW SPOT! The spots before were located at 3 and 9ish if you were looking at a clock. This new spot was found around the 10 position. He took a biopsy of it and continued to be very VERY positive that this would not be anything that it would come back fine, but we just needed to make sure and la dee dah. I finally had to say but what if it doesn't. I needed him to be honest about what the next step was just in case that's what I need to do. He said that if it's grade 1 we do nothing because my body should take care if it (HA what does he think my body is a magic cancer fighter?) Grade 2 another Leep. Grade 3 a cold knife procedure that will require me to go to the hospital and be put to sleep because they just don't have those things available in the office.

While I do enjoy everyone's optimism it's so hard for me to be super positive at this point. I am so ready for this to be done and over with. I'm so sick of seeing the Dr for less than happy appointments. I really just wanted him to be real with what is going on. He even said something along the lines of betting a dollar that this would come back clean and he would see me in 6 months. You better believe if I see him before that I will be collecting my dollar!

I feel so bla and just empty really. Honestly my emotions are just filled with anger. I am still holding out a bit of hope, not much, but some. Maybe the size of  this . <- I just hate to get my hopes up anymore than that really. Hopefully I will know the results later this week or early next week. Don't worry I'll let ya'll know when I do.

Getting on the Bike

Jamie and I have been looking for bikes for a few weeks now on c.list. We spent Monday afternoon going around to different houses looking at bikes. The best part is... Jamie sold his truck to one of his friends so we had to go borrow that said truck to pick up the bikes... BEST PART... we didn't even get a bike! Not one! I was pretty deflated by the whole thing because I was really looking forward to finally getting out and training on a REAL bike because it's so different than a spinning bike at the gym.

Tuesday (today) we had to go to the local good.will to pick up a skirt for Sara because she is going on a pioneer trek. We found a decent skirt for her to hike in and we were about to leave when I told Jamie we should check out the bikes. He laughed because he had been there days earlier to look for a bike and there was nothing! He humored me and walked back there. There was a bike. Sure the tires were flat and the seat cover was kind of coming up, but it was the right size for us to share and it was... Drum roll please... THIRTY DOLLARS. I was so excited that we were finally getting a bike! (I still need one for me, but that's besides the point here.)

We were actually on the way to the gym when we got the bike so we took it home. In all the excitement of the new bike we put air in the tires and gave it a quick ride. I then convinced Jamie that we should go on a "bike" ride together. Actually to be honest there wasn't much convincing involved because he is such a good sport. Our "bike" ride consisted of me riding the new to us bike and Jamie following me on his motorcycle. He has his police bike and another motorcycle that are both the same except one is black and white and has lights and the other is blue. Anyways... Yes, he rode behind me and on occasion beside me giving me encouragement and cheering me on. Have I told you guys that I love him? Because I do! I seriously wanted to give up after the first mile because it was all mostly up hill. I was so ready to turn around and go back home, but I'm so glad I stuck it out. I ended up riding 4 miles! I'm a third of the way there! The tri ride is 12 miles so I have some work to do, but I cant help but feel so proud of myself for the hard work I did today. I feel accomplished.

When I got off the bike I did have some mild cramping but no real "endo" type pain which is FABULOUS. Speaking of my womanly issues.... the 20th is my next set of biopsies on my cervix. As it creeps closer I get more nervous about it. Like I've said 1,000 times before NO I don't think I'm going to die from cancer, but just the thought of those little precancerous cells just chillin in there waiting to spread and burst into cancer scares me! I try not to dwell on the scary stuff and try really hard to be positive, but when you have had a few bad tests results it's easy to focus on the scary things. My mom will be coming up on Monday and staying for my Tuesday appointment. At least I think she is coming Monday... Not sure on that yet, but I do know I'm gonna do some shopping with her because it's her spring break and so we wanted to have some girl time (as if having a biopsy of my cervix isn't enough girl time.) I originally told my mom that she didn't have to come because I know what to expect this time and what I really want is to not be alone when they call me with the test results. I swear every time they call I am driving down the freeway at 80mph alone and they tell me bad news and I'm pretty sure I become unsafe on the road! HA! Anyways... She will be there and when all the shopping is done (assuming I feel up to the shopping) Jamie will be there waiting for me to give me a big hug and kiss and just my body pillow and warm blanket and anything else I need.

Oh one last thing... my heart has been giving me issues again. Well I'm not sure if again or if it's been an on going thing that I've just been ignoring. Whatever the case may be it's being problematic. When I run or walk at a high incline and get my heart rate over 160 my heart starts hurting. I usually try to ignore it, but I guess it's time to go back to my Dr and see about going again to the cardiologist. Boo. They just look at me like I'm crazy because I'm too young to have all these problems. Tell my body that not me. I have the body of a 87 year old. If I was a normal 23 year old I would have a husband, a house, a kid, another on the way, and a dog, but I am not normal and that's okay with me. I love my little 'ol life no matter how many curve balls get thrown my way.

I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

As many of you know I'm training for a triathlon with my sister Elizabeth. As I have been training I have my good days and bad. Today was rough. I went for a simple jog around the neighborhood which ended in me hobbling back home.

This month is endometriosis awareness month and I thought it seemed fitting to write a little bit about my accomplishments and set backs with endo. Today was a BIG set back. It hurt not only my body, but also brought down my mind set. I kept telling myself to push through the pain, but how far do you push when you know you could make it all so much worse and end up not even being able to walk the rest of the way home.

Feb 17, 2011 was my surgery where they gave me the diagnosis that I was not expecting at all of endometriosis. I went through all the stages of grief and finally feel like for the most part I am FINALLY able to cope with this disease. Yup that's right. Endo is a disease that effects millions of women all across the world.

It's been a year filled with many tears of pain and many tears of joy.

Last year I ran my first 5k which was a huge deal for me because it was shortly after my surgery and I literally didn't know if I could do it. I proved to myself that I can and that I am so amazing!

Endo has opened doors for new friends across the country. It has been fun to blog and swap stories. I am always amazing at how these women are just so AWESOME! They never give up and WE never stop fighting.

Endo does hurt and has sometimes put a strain on my relationship only because I just can't always function the way I want to it's easy for me to take it out on Jamie. He thankfully is very patient with me and understanding. He always fights for me and along side me.

Sometimes with the pain it sets me back at work because I try and go go go (I do work in an ER and that's how it goes), but the pain often won't allow me to. I often have to sit and take a time out. My coworkers look at me like I'm crazy, but it's been an opportunity to share my story and help educate others about the disease.

What endometriosis is to me... It's a disease that has made it's way into my life whether I like it or not. Doctors do not know how endo first comes about. They do know that endo is very much connected to estrogen in the body and with a women's period and the hormones it causes the endo to "flair" up and grown. I have suffered a lot of pain, but try to cover it up so people don't know because it's down right embarrassing. People are so easy to judge and sometimes it's easier to pretend everything is okay then try and tell someone you have a disease that is "invisible" to the naked eye. Endometriosis scares me because I don't know what will happen when I try and have babies. I don't know how it will impact me trying to have a child, but I do know and believe that it's in God's hands.

So far my journey with endo has been rough, but I'm learning every day and have had a great chance to learn so much more about my body and hormones and how everything triggers off each other. I am so glad to know I'm not alone in this journey.

For those of you out there reading about endometriosis for the first time PLEASE, PLEASE take a minute to read up on this disease that effects so many women around you that you know. Please help me educate others about the impact of this disease. Please think before you judge someone. You may not be able to see the pain or the disease they are struggling with. Please do a little reading and support those that have this disease by learning about it and not being so quick to judge.

I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!