Just Being a Girl

Well I need to just talk about things going through my head and since it's 2:48 am I figured I will just write on here instead of waking up my mom to cry to her.

Let me just start off saying that I've been doing so well at accepting the things that have come into my life. I am grateful for my struggles because yes, they have made me a stronger woman and have shaped and sculpted me. At this very moment though I'm angry. Yes, I'm mad and want to just curl up in a ball and cry.


Let's be real, I know there are people out there going through worse than me. A family friend lost her house in one of the many tornadoes that have been hitting our Country. I have seen families lose their children to drownings here at work. I have seen people lose their loved ones to Cancer. I have seen people lose their jobs. I am very blessed for the things that I have. YES I AM BLESSED!

Right now however... I do not feel so blessed. Like I said I'm angry. I'm angry at my lovely little body. I'm angry at the Doctors. I'm angry at my pain. I'm just angry. I just want there to be a cure. I just want there to be an answer. I want there to be something I can do. I am sick of just trying things with out really knowing if they are going to work or not. Nothing is more irritating than knowing you're in so much pain, but no one can do anything about it. You can take medicine, but most of the time it doesn't even work. You can go to the ER but they won't do anything because it is a chronic disease. Everyone just wants to give you things to cover up the pain for a few hours, but I know that in a few hours it will be back (if it even went away to begin with.)

I recently read this article here... http://endometriosis.org/resources/articles/family-and-partners/ that said, "It can be very difficult to understand pain or fatigue in another person, but if you know someone with endometriosis the biggest favour you can do to her is to learn about her disease. You need to understand that the woman you care about is dealing with a condition for which there is – for most – no cure. She has to come to terms with living with a chronic disease, sometimes in severe pain, with extreme exhaustion, and for some accepting that she will never have children. She may not have a visible handicap, but she may still be in pain both physically and emotionally."

Maybe I'm writing this because in this moment I feel alone. I feel vulnerable. Or maybe I just have so many bottled up feelings I finally just needed them out. Most likely I just want people to understand the emotional and physical things I'm going through so I don't have to feel alone or crazy or broken.

Here is a list of things I can be grateful for today...
*I did not miss work this week
*I have a house to live in
*I have enough money for food
*I have a car
*I have gaurdian angels that won't let me feel alone for too long
*I have a Mom and Dad and family that loves me more than I know
*I am stubborn enough to work through pain
*I am strong enough to keep moving forward
*I have the Roxy dog that no matter what loves me
*I have a great room mate!
*I have a job that I love
*I have my best friend, Jamie, that has been there for me through everything (and thankfully he is strong because he has had to pick me up off the floor more than once and put me on my bed!)
*I LOVE my nieces and nephews and they think I'm amazing
*I know how to bake
*I know how to help save a life
*I can count backwards from 20 (on good days)
*I can work under stress
*I laugh a lot
*I am beautiful
*I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father


I know I have more to be grateful for, but those are just a few I could think of, silly and serious. I'm just having a hard day, but I do know tomorrow will be better. PS I don't have to work tomorrow so that means I get to just sit around and take care of me! (That includes doing laundry and watching Grey's Anatomy!!!!)

I'll try and be a little bit more positive next time I post. Thankfully this is my blog and I get to post whatever I want =)

XOXO!