Just Being a Girl

Well I need to just talk about things going through my head and since it's 2:48 am I figured I will just write on here instead of waking up my mom to cry to her.

Let me just start off saying that I've been doing so well at accepting the things that have come into my life. I am grateful for my struggles because yes, they have made me a stronger woman and have shaped and sculpted me. At this very moment though I'm angry. Yes, I'm mad and want to just curl up in a ball and cry.


Let's be real, I know there are people out there going through worse than me. A family friend lost her house in one of the many tornadoes that have been hitting our Country. I have seen families lose their children to drownings here at work. I have seen people lose their loved ones to Cancer. I have seen people lose their jobs. I am very blessed for the things that I have. YES I AM BLESSED!

Right now however... I do not feel so blessed. Like I said I'm angry. I'm angry at my lovely little body. I'm angry at the Doctors. I'm angry at my pain. I'm just angry. I just want there to be a cure. I just want there to be an answer. I want there to be something I can do. I am sick of just trying things with out really knowing if they are going to work or not. Nothing is more irritating than knowing you're in so much pain, but no one can do anything about it. You can take medicine, but most of the time it doesn't even work. You can go to the ER but they won't do anything because it is a chronic disease. Everyone just wants to give you things to cover up the pain for a few hours, but I know that in a few hours it will be back (if it even went away to begin with.)

I recently read this article here... http://endometriosis.org/resources/articles/family-and-partners/ that said, "It can be very difficult to understand pain or fatigue in another person, but if you know someone with endometriosis the biggest favour you can do to her is to learn about her disease. You need to understand that the woman you care about is dealing with a condition for which there is – for most – no cure. She has to come to terms with living with a chronic disease, sometimes in severe pain, with extreme exhaustion, and for some accepting that she will never have children. She may not have a visible handicap, but she may still be in pain both physically and emotionally."

Maybe I'm writing this because in this moment I feel alone. I feel vulnerable. Or maybe I just have so many bottled up feelings I finally just needed them out. Most likely I just want people to understand the emotional and physical things I'm going through so I don't have to feel alone or crazy or broken.

Here is a list of things I can be grateful for today...
*I did not miss work this week
*I have a house to live in
*I have enough money for food
*I have a car
*I have gaurdian angels that won't let me feel alone for too long
*I have a Mom and Dad and family that loves me more than I know
*I am stubborn enough to work through pain
*I am strong enough to keep moving forward
*I have the Roxy dog that no matter what loves me
*I have a great room mate!
*I have a job that I love
*I have my best friend, Jamie, that has been there for me through everything (and thankfully he is strong because he has had to pick me up off the floor more than once and put me on my bed!)
*I LOVE my nieces and nephews and they think I'm amazing
*I know how to bake
*I know how to help save a life
*I can count backwards from 20 (on good days)
*I can work under stress
*I laugh a lot
*I am beautiful
*I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father


I know I have more to be grateful for, but those are just a few I could think of, silly and serious. I'm just having a hard day, but I do know tomorrow will be better. PS I don't have to work tomorrow so that means I get to just sit around and take care of me! (That includes doing laundry and watching Grey's Anatomy!!!!)

I'll try and be a little bit more positive next time I post. Thankfully this is my blog and I get to post whatever I want =)

XOXO!

Cookies

Okay so I promised I would put up some stuff on here about how I'm doing with my gluten free and such diet. Some days are better than others (I feel like I've said that a thousand times, but it's true.) I have a hard time when I go to work because I don't have very many options and I HATE, HATE, HATE left overs so that too is limiting. However it has been a fun learning experience.

Last month when I went home to visit my fabulous family my mom bought me this flour that was organic and not regular flour. Rice flour to be exact. She also bought me some pancake mix and some other all purpose gluten free flour which has different flours from things beans, rice, basically everything but wheat. The pancakes were heavy. Not the normal light and fluffy, I could eat 17 of these things, kind. They weren't to terribly bad....

From there I came home to my lovely apartment and I went to the store and found this...

Which made these....

They were actually better than the pancakes! The cookie dough however was GROSSSSS!!! I told myself that if the cookies were that bad I would throw them out. Luckily they tasted really good. I even brought them to work the next day and people were shocked at how good they were. They were soft and just perfect.


Although these are gluten free they are not sugar free so I only ate 2, okay 3 and that's why my work peeps got the rest.


The major purpose of doing this crazy diet is to help reduce the pain. I will have pain for the rest of my life and I'm still working on coming to terms with that, but hopefully doing the diet will reduce the pain enough that I will not have to go on these horrible meds that make me go through menopause.


Yes people I still have bad days. Doing all these things isn't going to work 100% of the times, but if it works 80% I can work on coping the other 20% of the time!


-Me-


PS I LOVE popcorn! 100% gluten free!

Oh yeah!

I finally bought myself a computer this past week and that means I get to blog more because

I don't have to depend on someone else. I love to be independent!!! There is no better feeling of paying for something by yourself with no help from anyone else.

Although I bought my computer and then a few days later when I was out to eat with my parents we came out and they let me know my back tire was low.... AH CRAP! I just bought a computer and now how am I going to pay for a tire. Thankfully the air is holding so far. I should probably get that looked at soon since I'm going to be going camping this next weekend.

I missed a week of the gym because I went to my parents house and I do not feel bad at all!!! I love love LOVE my family. They are amazing! I got to spend longer than usual with them and watched at strep spread through my nieces and nephews like water. It was comical only because I didn't get sick! A skunk ate my sisters baby chicks so they became real trappers and after a few days caught the skunk. I was hoping they would catch it when I was there, but unfortunately they caught it the morning after I left.

Now after working 3 days in a row I'm back for 3 days then I'm going to get a crown on my tooth and then go camping. I am quite tempted to start doing 2 a day work outs, but then I come to senses and realize that is the craziest idea I've ever had!!! I'll stick to my lovely beautiful body. I love myself no matter if I hit the gym 20 times a day or 20 times a year!

Have a fabulous day everyone!!!!!

Warrior Dash

I'm sooooooo HAPPY! I did it!

I DID IT! I FINISHED THE RACE!

I think I could cry because I am so happy!

Saturday night I stayed up late with some friends for a birthday. I finally fell asleep, but in the middle of my few hours of sleep I kept waking up with my heart pounding in my chest and I would have to look at the clock to make sure I didn't miss my alarm. I did this probably 10 times.

We all met at a co worker's house, Leslie and her husband Tate. From there we carpooled to Florence where we would be greeted with this sign...


To this I firmly replied out loud, "NO! I'm a princess! I'm the one they come to save." Of course everyone thought that was funny because, well let's face it, I think I am a princess. The name on the back of my shirt was Warrior Barbie! Enough said!

Well I continued to have anxiety up until the race. I was not sure what I was even thinking putting myself through this. All I knew was I made a promise to myself to do this and I was going to finish. I was not going to back down now! I was here I was ready to run... Kind of.

As you can see we wore plaid skirts to show how warrior we were. (PS the paper makes me look fat boo) Meg, Kristin and I are the ones in this picture. We all had the nurse skull and cross bones on the front and some kind of name on the back.

Thanks to my nerves I had to use the restroom... Well that is just a row of Porto potties. Not very classy!

So finally it was 1 and we were lined up at the start line. I was super nervous. I kept dancing around because I was scared.

The flame went of and that was the signal to RUN!
We ran and ran and ran and ran some more. We basically split off into 3 groups. Straight walkers. Walkers with a little running. and Running with a little walking. I was proud to be in the Running with a little walking club! It was so much fun!

There were all kinds of obstacles. Jumping over fire, army crawl through mud, walls to climb, running through a creek, and many MANY more.

When I was done I felt so FABULOUS! I was covered head to toe with mud, but I felt like a million dollars. So what I wasn't the fastest, but I finished strong. I proved to myself I can do things! I needed that!


That's me in the front left. Covered in mud, but beautiful as ever INSIDE!