Growing Inside

Sunday night I returned back to my parents house and stayed up until about 130 am finishing up drug cards. I then had to wake up Monday morning at 545 to go to my clinical at the hospital for respiratory observation. I was almost late. They say if you are even a minute late you get sent home. I walked into the hospital at 629. That was a little too close for comfort!

Monday night I was working hard on an assignment for my radiology observation Tuesday morning. It was probably about 9ish I went to the bathroom only to realize I was spotting. WTF!!!! How can this even be happening. I'm on continuous birth control. I haven't missed any pills. I take it at the same time. I am dedicated to this stupid birth control like a marriage! HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING! I began to freak out. Everything was going through my mind. I have cancer. It's back. It's going to kill me dead. I was pregnant and having a miscarriage. No this isn't crazy bleeding. I just had an ultrasound and know I am not pregnant nor do I have a cyst. I was at the kitchen table alone, scared, panicking. I text my mom from the other room to have her come see me. I told her what was going on. She looks concerned too. We decided it would be pointless to call the on call dr because they would just say go to the er or something stupid like that. Mom went to bed. I stayed up until 1230.

Tuesday I woke up at 530 and made it to the hospital on time. I called the Dr when I was done in between clinical and class. Got home and took a nap. The nurse called me. I missed it. I called back. She got some information from me. She was asking all sorts of things. I had to tell her at least 3 times that I have been on continuous bc for almost 2 years and have only let myself have a period once because Dr. M told me I didn't need to and the last time was Feb 2012. Surgery was Feb 2011 diagnosed with the Endo. So she decides that I need to come in for an ultrasound. I then tell her I just had one like 2 weeks ago and that I was told there was no cyst. She then said well I guess you don't need that. Let me talk to Dr. M and I will call you back. I decided to take a nap while waiting. The nap was like an hour. The nurse called and said Dr. M thinks that it must be the endo. GREAT! He just told me like a month ago that basically there was no way the endo could be growing with the continuous bc. So now it is growing all of the sudden? UGH! I just thanked her for calling me back and that was that. I don't know what to do. I feel so confused. I feel so angry and miserable.

Wednesday I did get to sleep in. Went to class at noon-3 drove back to my house. Saw Jamie for 5 min. Kissed him. He went to work. I went to work. Thankfully I was let off early. Went to bed at 430

Thursday woke up at 9. Drove back to my parents. Changed my scrubs. Went back to the hospital for a computer class that lasted an hour and a half. (Not even as long as the drive back!) Went to the care center to start my care plan. Went home. Worked on my care plan. Curled up on the couch to nap for an hour. Woke back up and finished with my care plan. Went to bed at 1230.

Friday woke up at 5. Had to be at clinical at 6. Rocked out my clinical. (Had a real patient. My own real patient!) Got done and drove back to my real home. Jamie had a massage lined up for me and paid for when I got back into town. Met up with him after. Dang he is hot in his uniform! <3 and="and" asleep.="asleep." bed="bed" computer="computer" fell="fell" home.="home." in="in" watched="watched" went="went">
Saturday slept! Went to the gym!!!!! Got out some anger. Went to work.

I think I'm done spotting as of today (Saturday.) I'm not even sure what to think of this all. I'm so confused. How can this be happening. Why is this happening. What is the plan now. Am I going to still have periods every month even though I'm on the bc? Is this stress related? I was really stressed out with my C scared and nothing like this ever happened. What do I do. I just want to cry my eyes out. There are so many questions and no answers. I feel like if I ask I will be shut down. I don't even want to bother making an appointment with Dr M because I feel like it's so pointless. ANY SUGGESTIONS!!!???!!!?!?!?!

HELP ENDO SISTERS!

The D Word

I had my ultrasound Friday morning. The office was quite and the only people there were the ultrasound lady and I. I'm not sure of her name, but every time she is so sweet. This trip she shared with me that she too had endo and felt bad for me and my pain.

As much as I wanted to see something like a cyst or ANYTHING... I knew there would be nothing. I knew in my heart that the only thing that is wrong is a mysterious disease that can't be seen through ultrasound. Although maybe the sudden sharp pain could be cysts because the ultrasound was 3 weeks out from the last MAJOR episode. I don't know what to think. I'm just hoping that it's something other than the endo.

I think I'm still in denial about my disease. Ugh I hate that word. Disease. Stupid! An incurable, invisible disease. 

I do realize that I am lucky. No I don't have pain everyday, but at least 3 times a week my body will remind me that it's there. Mostly it's just a twinge of pain. A tightness. Maybe I just learned how to deal with the pain better... I know when I start to feel that twinge and tightness that I need to sit and be still. Not move. Don't try to walk. Don't try and stretch, cough, sneeze. Most of the time that works, but there are always the times where I'm just standing there talking minding my own manners and BAM! No little twinge to give me a heads up just the BAM! Those are the ones I hate the most. 

Knock on wood that I have yet to have one of these graceful episodes at school. I often think of what I will do. People don't know me or my story and I would feel so awkward if that happened. I would be so embarrassed. 

Anyways... I guess I should make a follow up appointment with the Dr to discuss my nothingness. I just don't get it. I mean it's almost every other month like to the T. It's usually the right side. It's almost like my period, but I don't get my period due to the continuous BC. That's what I don't get. Why is my body still trying to make and egg or something. I don't know what it's doing really!

All these other fabulous women out there know there body so well. They know what they are looking for and what everything means. Meanwhile in Stephanie Land I'm just like "La Dee Da" It goes back to me being in denial. If I don't know then it can't hurt me... WRONG. 

PS just heard a strange noise in the house and almost cried. Probably the ice machine.

Okay enough of this rant... I have a skills test today followed by a quiz and a major exam tomorrow. Focus!

Motivation

My motivation today is no where to be found. My mind is all over the place....

I am going to write a drug card.
I want to buy a dress.
What is on pin.terest.
I should work out.
I should blog.
About that dress.
Did I pay my bills this month?
I wonder what Jamie is doing.
Back to the drug cards.
Back to the computer.
I need a snack.
Yummy snack.
Roxy wants a snack.
Drug cards.
Computer.
Dress.
Snack.

OH BOY! I need help! I need to get it together! Tomorrow after class I drive back home. Work all night. Then Friday morning I have an ultrasound. I am sure it's not going to show anything. I had some pain yesterday, but not the fall on the ground kind just the hey I'm here pain. The Dr. still continues to tell me the endo isn't growing because I'm on continuous birth control. Apparently that's the end all be all to endo. HA! I wish for there to be a cyst only because then it would be something I could see. Endo is like a fake disease that no one believes you have because no tests show it. Oh how I want to be normal again...

Break Time

Oh how I miss my life before nursing school. I loved being free and not tied down. I could get up and go whenever I wanted. I could vacation, relax, SLEEP, and do whatever and whenever.

I feel so tied down. Like a bad relationship or something. I have to fight for time to myself. I have to cut things out and decide what is important and what isn't.

I miss going to the gym. I'm in this little town where there are no LA fitnesses. I don't want to pay for 2 gyms. It's so bloody hot still that I can't even convince myself to go for a run when I need to.

Jamie and I have been trying to purchase this bike from his friend for like months, but we never have time together so we haven't gone to get it. Man how I want that bike. I just want to be able to exercise with out running. We all know I hate to run, but riding a bike... That became so much fun as I was doing my triathlon.

I hope I will be able to do another triathlon next year. I really liked the all women one my sister and I did last year. Hopefully she will want to do it again!

Okay homework break is over... Back to the books

True Love

Jamie and I have had our share of ups and downs a few months ago. It was really hard on both of us and I was starting school so that just made everything worse. Sometimes I tell people too much about him and I and that just comes back to bite me in the butt. People love to tell me how to run my life and what decisions I need to make in regards to him. I do really good at keeping things to myself, but then I start trusting people and that's where things always go back full circle.

I just don't understand how I can tell my best friend and even my parents about the things Jamie has done, but they do not judge me for staying. I remember bawling all the way to my parents house in the car with my parents after my wisdom teeth removal. I told my dad how much I love him and yes the things he did hurt me, but I just can't walk away. He told me I didn't need to make a decision right then and there, but to make a decision and stick by it. I chose to stay.

To be honest I rarely see him now days because I'm always away at school. We see each other on the weekends and that is sparingly because of work for him and I. We are making things work.

Quite frankly I don't need people telling me about my relationship. I don't need your advice. I don't need you telling me he is cheating on me or that I'm stupid for staying with him. I just get so irritated when my "friends" love to tell me these things. If my parents can accept my decision then you should to.

This past week was a real test... with Princess (the dog) and the stress of school was just taxing. I called Jamie when I did well on my skills testing and he told me he was proud of me! The days following I kept him posted about Princess and he never ONCE told me I was stupid for crying over the dog. Let's just be real... Any guy would be like it's a dog get over it. Not my Jamie. He was supportive and understands that it's not just about the dog dying but it's the fact that it's CANCER. He has been there for my own personal battle and has been there for all the tears and cheers related to that. I was really REALLY impressed by his love. He never tried to cut me off while I was telling him how I felt. He never said he was too busy or anything of the sort. He cared. Cared about the silly family dog. Cared about how it was impacting me.

He has really been a blessing in my life. I don't understand how some people are so blind to that. I guess I know the truth because I live it.

Sometimes when things start to go bad I regress and think Jamie is my ex who used to be abusive in every way. So to make up for not doing anything in the past to protect myself I go CRAZY. I mean CRAZY. I do things with out thinking.

Now I'm not saying some of things he has done are just peachy, but I know that I should not have reacted the way I did.

I give Jamie serious props for being able to see past the things I have done to him. He must love me a whole lot. Wow! That is true love.

Jamie is my best friend, my side kick, my stronger half, and the man I love. If you have a problem with that then you have no business being in my life.

Bit o Good

Yesterday after my emotionally exhausting day I decided I really need to call the Dr to find out my own status. It had been 11 days with no call. I knew it would be awhile because I was there on a Friday and I was the last patient. I called them and was told a nurse would call me back. Sure enough about 45 min  later the nurse called and said that the Dr hadn't reviewed the results, but everything looked fine. I decided that she has probably seen about 1 million results and would know if something was wrong or not.

I am so grateful that IT is not back on me personally. I am still mourning over Princess.

I told my dad last night that I was pissed because cancer has taken people I love and now it is taking even the dumb dog! SERIOUSLY CANCER... EFF OFF!

Today in my nursing class we were going over surgery stuff. I realized that my own surgery that is now almost 2 years ago is still VERY fresh in my mind. I remember how nervous I was and really I had no idea what they were looking for. I had NOOOO idea what endometriosis was. I had no idea that the surgery wouldn't cure me. I wonder if the time will come that I have to have surgery again. I hope not.

If Cancer was a Person

I would kill them. I would have killed them years ago. I would have made them suffer a long and horrible death just like it does to everyone and now everything I love.

Don't mind my over dramatics...

HOWEVER...

About 14 years ago my grandparents had a dog show up at their house and have puppies. We adopted one. It was technically my brother's dog, but we all loved her. Princess is her name. I grew up with this dog and eventually got dogs of my own. Princess was a good dog. She would bark at anyone and ANYTHING. I remember putting on my rollerblades and going on a walk/ride. One time she ran off the side walk and I went flying, but she came back to make sure I was okay. I even trained her that if I dropped the leash she would stop and turn around to check on me. She was the best dog. She never got out of the yard and loved to ride in the back of the truck. She would bark at every man hole covering and car if we got her excited enough.

Today we noticed that she was bleeding and there was something protruding out of her. We took her to the vet. Story of my life... She has a cancerous tumors. One that is out and multiple ones inside so they can't even remove the bigger one. The vet said they had been growing for awhile and just finally came out. She doesn't know where else the cancer has spread to. I started crying. EFF YOU CANCER!!!! GO TO HELL AND NEVER COME OUT!

We decided to bring her home so we could be with her instead of leaving her at the vet. They gave us antibiotics to keep some of the bacteria from spreading too quickly since she licks it and such.

All I have to say is I hate cancer.

The end.