Next Step

I went to my Gyn today... Dr. M. I LOVE him. I more than love him. He is such an amazing doctor. I mostly like him because I feel like he listens to all my concerns and let's face it... I have a lot. Jamie was so sweet and met me up at the office. He kept me laughing so I wouldn't be nervous. There were a strange mix of people that came through the office. A lot of pregnant people. It's always awkward to be surrounded with pregnant people.

Dr. M came in and we talked about my recent trip to the ER. He seems actually concerned with my pain. He was concerned because I'm taking so much ibuprofen that he doesn't want me to make my body even more sick. He wants to help me at least that's how I feel. He thinks the pain is from a cyst that ruptured. He said the pain will be there possibly up to 10 days because there is fluid and the body has to absorb it all. So it will take time and patience as that happens. He really is pushing for this interstitial cystitis test which will be done on the 16th. He said, "We are searching for a zebra." He wants to rule it out and cover all the bases. (Interstitial cystitis is kind of like having ulcers, but in your bladder) I told him I'm frustrated and I'm almost to my breaking point and he said he wants to get this taken care of before that point. He answered my questions and Jamie's too. I love that Dr. M takes time to answer questions from the people that care about me the most. He has been so sweet to my mom and Jamie. It just makes me so happy.

Although my pain is still pretty rough and it doesn't go away with the meds I'm taking... I'm just glad to know that for the most part I have a plan and we are taking the next step. I know what is going to happen from here. I know that if I have this new disease I will do x, y, and z. I know that if I don't then we will continue to treat the endo and we will work to get the pain under control.

I was talking to Jamie tonight and I was talking to him about if I have this I will be on this new diet and how I'm not to excited and he said yeah I know I saw that. WOW! He took the time to look up the disease and ways to treat it. He took the time to see how to help me and keep me healthy. I cried. I just can't believe that someone would care that much about me to go out of his way to do that. Monday we leave to go on a 4 day cruise. I am SUPER DEE DUPER excited! We deserve this get away. We are both praying for a pain free week and no attacks (and no throwing up on the boat!)

****SIDE NOTE****
Isn't it amazing that EVERYONE knows the smell of popcorn and how the smell can flow all through a building!

What a WASTE

Well yesterday started a day with new pain. I have never felt this pain before and I had been spotting earlier this week. I called the on call Dr. She (of course) told me to go into the ER. I (of course) held out for as long as possible. I took pain medicine and nothing happened. I took some more, still, nothing.

I went in.

Jamie came and picked me up because I wasn't able to drive.

It took over 2.5 hours to see a Provider. I was PISSED!

I don't care how busy you are, you could start orders on me and get me out of pain. When I first got in there I gave them a urine sample and they couldn't even take it by the time the orders came about because it had been sitting there for too LONG!

Once I finally got my IV they pulled out the big guns on me. They used one of the strongest pain meds for me. It's stronger than Morphine... I wish it took one dose and I felt better. Nope. Of course not. By the time I left I had 3 doses and I was still in pain.

They did blood tests, urine, pelvic exam, and an ultra sound. All they found was some free fluid in my pelvis which is possibly from a cyst that ruptured. Of course they had no other answers for me.

I am FURIOUS! I keep wasting time and money in the ER. I never want to see another ER (except the one I work in!) I'm so sick of the pain. I want to be pain free so bad. I'm trying so hard to be but can't find anything that works for me.

By some miracle I got a follow up appointment with MY own GYN. I'll be following up with him before my CRUISE! I can't wait to sail away from here with Jamie ♥

I am done wasting time and MONEY!

Consequences of Losing

Today as I was getting ready to work a day shift at work I put on my clothes and realized that my bra no longer was doing anything. It was hanging off of me like a christmas tree ornament. I'm not really sure how I really feel about this situation. Sure getting into better shape is good, but bras are EXPENSIVE. And let's just be real... I don't have money to buy new ones. I am bitter, but not braless.

Sorry about the absurd post, but I needed to vent. GR!

In Terms of the Heart

Last week I FINALLY was able to follow up with my cardiologist. I got all my results back! Dr. S. said that everything looks good. I had a few times where my heart would race, but it always slowed back down. The highest it got was 167 and then it dropped to 47 when I was waking up or possibly still asleep. My echo (ultrasound of the heart) results were good. There were no signs of a bad murmur or even a murmur at all. He did say that racing heart it completely normal for the most part. He told me that if it is racing for over 5 min and then I should start to be a tad concerned. He gave me some tips to bring it down. If it continues to last then I should go to the ER. I'm sure it won't last and I'm so glad to know that for the most part my heart is FABULOUS and I'm cleared to go and do whatever my heart desires! He was shocked at how AMAZING my cholesterol is. My good cholesterol is really high and he got this strange look on his face when he was dictating about my chart into the computer.

I am looking at the current results and the results from blood work taken last year. My cholesterol has changed for the good and my triglycerides have gone down. I am grateful for the weight that I have lost. No I may not be the skinniest girl in town, but I am healthy. I have the blood work to PROVE IT!

It has come to my recent attention that I can take pain meds for my pain (which I NEVER do), but those don't even work. SWEET!!! I love it. I have a this fabulous heat pack that I warm up in the microwave and it smells good and that has been kind of my comfort blanket recently. Thank you Mom for letting me steal it from you!

Well at least I have some answers for the physical well being of my heart!

Review

Last week I went and talked to my counselor and he told me a few things I thought were comical and good ideas actually. When I get mad I can do some of the following things...
Scream.
Turn up my music LOUD.
Punch a punching bag.
Tear up paper.
Write.
Paint.
Those are the ones I can remember. I like that he said I can turn up my music when I'm mad. I'm trying to work on figuring out my real emotions that come out through anger.

Saturday, after working Friday night, I went to my Great Uncle's funeral. It was really good. I know that seems strange to say, but when I left I was happy inside. It was so good to see all my family. I have this 2nd cousin named Michelle, it was her dad, and I was very excited to see her. I was also happy to see the rest of my family of course. I didn't go to the burial because it was in Pima and I needed to come back home since I had been up for almost 24 hours and I was driving! My uncle Wayne was/is a great man. He leaves behind a big legacy of love. He supported me in my Miss Arizona pageant and was one of my sponsors. I'm so glad that I knew him. I know I will see him again some day and that is great comfort to me.

Monday I went to a luau for FHE and there were hula dancers and a guy who twirled fire. There was a family who sang songs and played the guitar, ukulele, and sang. I was really impressed.

Today I'm back to work. I'm exhausted. We opened our new ER and it has been crazy. We are still getting the hang of everything and we are wishing things were different because it's so LOUD! My stress level is probably an 8 since we moved to the new ER. Oh well. I'll get used to it.

I want to start writing things that I'm thankful for....
Today I am thankful for my beautiful blonde hair. Sure it has a LOT of split ends and needs to be cut DESPERATELY, but I love it. I love the way it's blonde. I love the way it's not to long and not to short. I love the way I can flip it over my shoulder and put it in a pony tail. I love the way I can get out of the shower and go if I need to. I love the way I can rock a braid or whatever. I am thankful for my beautiful blonde hair!

Insignificant

I'm so mad I'm crying from anger!!!!!!!!

My life is stuck in this constant circle and I'm so frustrated.

One doctor needs approval from the other doctor. Well I can't get approval if the doctor changes my appointment. They gave me 2 option times of when I could switch it to. The times were 12:50 and 1:15. SERIOUSLY! That may as well be the same time! I have another doctor appointment at 1 so that's not going to work.

I can't legally get put back on birth control if I don't go to the cardiologist. I called them to send a note over to the gyn, but Heaven FORBID anything go smoothly for me! I know that I am still on my birth control, but I'm almost done with this pack and I was hoping to switch just in case it is causing the palpitations. Well I can't switch because I am not released. I called to have them write me a note, but apparently it's not that easy. Oh and the person on the phone let me know my problem was insignificant. LISTEN LADY!!!! This is actually a HUGE issue!

I would like to crawl under a rock currently.

I am pretty sure this post makes no sense because I'm so mad I can't see straight! So much for sleeping....

Frustration

I was at Jamie's this evening laying down before the gym. I got up to go use the restroom and the pain it. It was that 10 on 10 pain that I started feeling about a year ago. I quickly crawled back into the fetal position and cried. Jamie helped me get some ibuprofen and a granola bar in hopes to calm my pain. So much for going to the gym...

I have had pain since my surgery, but nothing like this. I was angry because the pain is full blown back in gear apparently. The other night I was also in pain, but was able to just curl into a ball, cry, and go to sleep.  I can't even imagine how bad my pain would be right now if I did follow my Dr's orders and go off birth control until I see my cardiologist. May pain has been between a 4 and 6 ever since the major pain earlier. I'm sore. I'm achey. I'm tired.

I am so frustrated!

I'm supposed to have my cardiologist appointment today, but they called yesterday afternoon saying they needed to reschedule. I didn't get their message until after 6 so I wasn't able to call them back. I'm glad they felt like they could just call the day before trying to change things when I've had this appointment for weeks. I have scheduled other appointments around them. Do they realize they are not the only ones!!!!

I am so annoyed!

My great uncle died Monday after losing his fight to cancer. My mom told me my grandma said he was at peace when he died and went out fighting. I HATE CANCER! I hate it!!!! Cancer has taken so many people in my life! Why can't cancer just kill it's self! Now that would be fabulous! I will be going to the funeral to pay tribute and see my family.

I am so angry!

I should know by now not to take the little things in life for granted. A pain free day, a kiss, a hug, and so much more.