If Cancer was a Person

I would kill them. I would have killed them years ago. I would have made them suffer a long and horrible death just like it does to everyone and now everything I love.

Don't mind my over dramatics...

HOWEVER...

About 14 years ago my grandparents had a dog show up at their house and have puppies. We adopted one. It was technically my brother's dog, but we all loved her. Princess is her name. I grew up with this dog and eventually got dogs of my own. Princess was a good dog. She would bark at anyone and ANYTHING. I remember putting on my rollerblades and going on a walk/ride. One time she ran off the side walk and I went flying, but she came back to make sure I was okay. I even trained her that if I dropped the leash she would stop and turn around to check on me. She was the best dog. She never got out of the yard and loved to ride in the back of the truck. She would bark at every man hole covering and car if we got her excited enough.

Today we noticed that she was bleeding and there was something protruding out of her. We took her to the vet. Story of my life... She has a cancerous tumors. One that is out and multiple ones inside so they can't even remove the bigger one. The vet said they had been growing for awhile and just finally came out. She doesn't know where else the cancer has spread to. I started crying. EFF YOU CANCER!!!! GO TO HELL AND NEVER COME OUT!

We decided to bring her home so we could be with her instead of leaving her at the vet. They gave us antibiotics to keep some of the bacteria from spreading too quickly since she licks it and such.

All I have to say is I hate cancer.

The end.

God's Hand

Today I was driving to my parents house to attend school in the AM. This drive is about 2 hours give or take. There are often people riding bikes along the road, going through the reservation there are hitch hikers. This evening I was just outside of town where I noticed a female around 18-28 walking with a boy around 8-12 walking 2 dogs, rolling luggage, and the boy was also carrying a pillow. Now I don't stop for anyone or anything. Not even bad car accidents even technically I'm trained, but it's just not something I do when I'm alone. It's not a safe thing to do. I kept driving. My mind began thinking and my heart pounding. I knew it was Heavenly Father touching my heart to turn around.

I was fighting with my self over turning around vs not. I was literally to the last place to turn around when something took over and I turned on my blinker and turned around. I immediately started praying. I did not know what I was going to do or how to help these people, but I just knew I had to. By the time I got back to them they were loading up in the back of someone's truck. The look on the woman's face was that of worry, scared, sad, and hope. I practically had stopped when the truck got back on the road. The driver waved me to go around so I did. I just continued to drive the rest of the way home.

I started crying after this. It was so emotional for me to actually feel God's hand in my life. I know I did not help those people, but maybe that wasn't the point. Maybe the point was to see if I was willing and ready to help when God calls upon me. I was crying because I'm under a lot of stress lately, but NOTHING compares to that. NOTHING at all. There is nothing in my life that is even close to that. I don't know who these people were or what their story is. All I know is that I hope and pray that they will have strength to keep fighting through whatever is going on in their life.

Sometimes I feel so alone. Yeah I know God is out there, but I just don't always feel close to him. Today when I felt God's hand in my life it's like He knew EXACTLY where I was, what I was doing, and where I was going. He knew everything.

I know to some people this may not make much sense and I'm sure there are critics out there who can say I just turned around just because and if God really was making you feel that way then why was someone else already there. I know that is was God's hand in my life. I know that maybe I was to turn around because it was a test to see if I'm ready for something else bigger to come. I know God knows me and loves me! He knows my stresses and everything going on in my life.

Waiting and Hoping

Although Dr. M told me everything looks good down yonder I still am nervous. However the last time I wasn't nervous at all so it's gonna be different this time... I hope. I swear if I get a freaking call saying that IT is back I'm going to lose it. I'm going to go crazy, but then as the story goes... I will get myself together and keep on fighting. I am so scared. No one gets that. Not a damn person. I struggled with this for months. The wait is killing me. And I know it's going to be probably next week before I know. Please dear God don't let me go through this again. I have so much on my plate right now. I guess if something does come back bad I already know the process. Just PLEASE don't let it come back worse.  I am so scared and alone. Everyone thinks it's just a check up no big deal. It's not JUST a check up. It's THE check up. The one that tells me if my body is responding to the extra TLC I've been trying to give it.

In other news... Tomorrow I have skills testing. Pray for me. Tuesday I have a major test. Pray for me. Wednesday is the head to toe assessment. Keep on praying.

I really am so consumed by this fear that I will lose everything if IT comes back. Please just don't let it come back.

My grandpa who had bladder cancer warned me that every check up would be hard. You will sit there and worry and pray. The best part about me being scared about the ish coming back is... I don't know how I will juggle nursing school. That's basically all I care about. I could careless about losing my hair or even the extreme death. I just don't want to have to quit school. I know that I'm jumping WAY ahead of myself and need to bring it back down, but I just needed to get it out there. I needed to say it.

Okay I'll go to bed now. Praying. A lot of praying.

Quicky

Went to the Dr. today. Had my 4 month follow up pap. I cried because I am so scared IT is going to come back! IT can't come back. IT better not come back! Jamie said it would be okay and I said what if it isn't okay to which he replied then we will make it be okay. I love him. Told Dr. M about my recent pain. He said we will get an ultra sound. I know that won't show the endo, but maybe there is a cyst. Too bad with my busy schedule I can't get in for another 3 weeks. By that time everything will probably be fine. Oh well. Typical!

I'm actually sitting in my car in the garage writing this. I just got home from work. I'm so strange.

Random Ramblings

There I was talking to Jamie about things going on at work when I ended up on the ground curled up in a ball, crying, can't breathe. He is telling me to breathe and I'm thinking yeah right it hurts more when I breathe. Then he tells me how I NEED to go see a GI doctor and how it's probably something with my intestines. I love the guy I really do, but he doesn't understand that the reason I don't want to go to another Dr is because I don't want more tests, possibly another diagnosis, maybe a diagnosis that has no resolution. I know that seems strange to some one that is normal, but well I'm not.

Speaking of Drs. This Friday I have my first pap since the big C scare. I'm nervous. REALLY nervous. I told my best friend that I am pretty sure everything would be fine because God couldn't do this to me right now while I'm going to school. (At least I hope he won't, but if He does I know I will just take it all in and roll with the punches as usual.)

School is going okay. Last week I got 100% on my quiz. I was REALLY excited. This week I don't think my quiz went so well. Good thing I got 100 last week to make up the difference. I really should be studying but my mind is just all over the place right now.

When I get overwhelmed I just sort of shut down and shut it all out. I should work on that. I should be working really hard to get ahead, but instead I'm just exhausted! I just want to SLEEP! I'm not a big fan of the saying I'll sleep when I'm dead, mostly because... Well if I don't sleep I could die! And really I think I'll be busy in Heaven meeting with all the people I miss and love.

My cousin Tim died of cancer years ago. I was never SUPER close to him when he was here, but when he died it really hit me. I felt an attachment to him. Sometimes I wonder if when I go to Heaven if it will be awkward when we meet up again. I mean what would we even say to each other. I would probably thank him for being my guardian angel and saving my life a few times. But would he think it's strange that I feel so close to him now, but never hung out with him much when he was here because he was so much older than me. He was like 10 years plus older than me so it's not like as children he would want to hang out with me.

Okay I guess enough of the rambling. I'll go study or something.... Or something.

Boy Oh Boy

Nursing school is getting the best of me. I actually don't know if it's so much nursing school or everything else that is going on with nursing school.

Here is my life:
Sunday-Sleep because I work Saturday night- Wake up early-ish. Drive to my parents for school.
Monday- 8 am school (I work nights. That's a little hard)
Tuesday- School and study, STUDY!
Wednesday-School and more and more STUDYING!
Thursday- Sleep in. School 12-4. Drive directly from school for 2.5 hours to get to work by 645 pm.
Friday-Sleep and Work
Saturday-Sleep and Work

Repeat for the next 2 years!!!!

Seriously I do not have ONE day to relax. Everyday I'm not only shuffling, but I'm also constantly on the go. (Lame play on words with the lyrics... Everyday I'm shufflin...) I just long for the week where I have ONE DAY OFF! Just one. ONE! One where I do not have to get out of my pajamas or think about where I need to go next. What I need to study for or where my next clinical is... granted I haven't even started my clinicals yet!

I know in October things are going to get a little better and I just need to endure until then, but man this is HARD! I went from just working 3 days on 2 off 3 on and then 6 off!!!! I loved those 6 days. I was so lazy on those day, minus going to the gym. The last 2 weeks I can't even think about going to the gym although it would probably be the best thing to relieve some of this stress. I need some sort of goal physically to work on while I struggle through this. I need something that I love that will make me happy.

Best part about being home... Homemade food, Roxy dog, Family, and that's probably about it. Oh and bean burro's from the place I used to work in high school. I love bean burros! YUM!

Summer-Now

I haven't posted in MONTHS because I have been so overwhelmed with things going on in my life.

Kiara (my niece) had her first surgery in May.

In June I went to a family reunion. Went to California with Jamie where we had fun playing tennis every day in the cool air, we went paddle boarding in the bay, and just spent time being together.

July Kiara had another surgery because the first surgery the Dr did not place the right size shunt. She spent almost a week in the pediatric ICU at my hospital. The Dr. sent her home to early. She was sent home vomiting and still was having head aches. The next day She was in an ER 3 hours away from the hospital where the Dr was taking care of her. She was taken (with my sister) by ambulance back to the hospital where the Dr could watch her. She came to the ICU again. This was a really hard time for my family and I. The Dr was less than helpful giving us information about what was going on. He kept trying to beat around the bush. After this happening for 3 days I went to one of the girls that I know and  lit a fire under everyone. The girl is the social worker on the floor and I let her know that we have no idea what is going on and we need answers. Pretty soon the Drs were in there, but the Neurosurgeon was SUPER rude. He was pissed that we were asking questions. Well maybe if he flipping told us what was happening in the first place we would be so mad. From the time she came back to the hospital to this day (Wednesday) She could not stand for long periods of time with out getting a head ache. She couldn't even hardly sit up completely to eat her food. OBVIOUSLY something was wrong. Finally on Thursday the Neurosurgeon  came in and adjusted her shunt with the magnet and INSTANTLY she felt better.

Oh did I mention that when she came back to the hospital I called my sister in Utah and told her what was happening and she and her family loaded up the car and drove 10 hours to get to the hospital so my  sister wouldn't be alone. I have an AMAZING family!

Kiara is doing better. She is in the 5th grade and happy as can be.

I started nursing school which a whole new journey. I had my first quiz today and it's only the 2nd week of school. I missed 2 or 3 out of 25. Oh well. Whatever. I passed and that's really all I care about. I'm really nervous because I feel so much responsibility with this role. I text one of my girl friends who works with me and she told me to get it together because I ROCK and I know what I'm doing I just need to have a little bit of faith in myself.

Jamie and I have been having a lot of ups and downs lately. It's been really hard on me. I've been with him for almost 3 years and when we fight it tears me apart. I love him, but sometimes I really wonder how much he loves me. I probably shouldn't have written that, but well I don't even care. He knows how I feel.

I realized last Friday that a lot of the abuse from my past is still playing a HUGE role in my life today and it's not the best of feelings. Damn men! I've been working on getting passed this for quite some time, but apparently you can't snap your fingers and make all the bad stuff in your life disappear.

I'm going to go to bed now.