Random Ramblings

There I was talking to Jamie about things going on at work when I ended up on the ground curled up in a ball, crying, can't breathe. He is telling me to breathe and I'm thinking yeah right it hurts more when I breathe. Then he tells me how I NEED to go see a GI doctor and how it's probably something with my intestines. I love the guy I really do, but he doesn't understand that the reason I don't want to go to another Dr is because I don't want more tests, possibly another diagnosis, maybe a diagnosis that has no resolution. I know that seems strange to some one that is normal, but well I'm not.

Speaking of Drs. This Friday I have my first pap since the big C scare. I'm nervous. REALLY nervous. I told my best friend that I am pretty sure everything would be fine because God couldn't do this to me right now while I'm going to school. (At least I hope he won't, but if He does I know I will just take it all in and roll with the punches as usual.)

School is going okay. Last week I got 100% on my quiz. I was REALLY excited. This week I don't think my quiz went so well. Good thing I got 100 last week to make up the difference. I really should be studying but my mind is just all over the place right now.

When I get overwhelmed I just sort of shut down and shut it all out. I should work on that. I should be working really hard to get ahead, but instead I'm just exhausted! I just want to SLEEP! I'm not a big fan of the saying I'll sleep when I'm dead, mostly because... Well if I don't sleep I could die! And really I think I'll be busy in Heaven meeting with all the people I miss and love.

My cousin Tim died of cancer years ago. I was never SUPER close to him when he was here, but when he died it really hit me. I felt an attachment to him. Sometimes I wonder if when I go to Heaven if it will be awkward when we meet up again. I mean what would we even say to each other. I would probably thank him for being my guardian angel and saving my life a few times. But would he think it's strange that I feel so close to him now, but never hung out with him much when he was here because he was so much older than me. He was like 10 years plus older than me so it's not like as children he would want to hang out with me.

Okay I guess enough of the rambling. I'll go study or something.... Or something.

Boy Oh Boy

Nursing school is getting the best of me. I actually don't know if it's so much nursing school or everything else that is going on with nursing school.

Here is my life:
Sunday-Sleep because I work Saturday night- Wake up early-ish. Drive to my parents for school.
Monday- 8 am school (I work nights. That's a little hard)
Tuesday- School and study, STUDY!
Wednesday-School and more and more STUDYING!
Thursday- Sleep in. School 12-4. Drive directly from school for 2.5 hours to get to work by 645 pm.
Friday-Sleep and Work
Saturday-Sleep and Work

Repeat for the next 2 years!!!!

Seriously I do not have ONE day to relax. Everyday I'm not only shuffling, but I'm also constantly on the go. (Lame play on words with the lyrics... Everyday I'm shufflin...) I just long for the week where I have ONE DAY OFF! Just one. ONE! One where I do not have to get out of my pajamas or think about where I need to go next. What I need to study for or where my next clinical is... granted I haven't even started my clinicals yet!

I know in October things are going to get a little better and I just need to endure until then, but man this is HARD! I went from just working 3 days on 2 off 3 on and then 6 off!!!! I loved those 6 days. I was so lazy on those day, minus going to the gym. The last 2 weeks I can't even think about going to the gym although it would probably be the best thing to relieve some of this stress. I need some sort of goal physically to work on while I struggle through this. I need something that I love that will make me happy.

Best part about being home... Homemade food, Roxy dog, Family, and that's probably about it. Oh and bean burro's from the place I used to work in high school. I love bean burros! YUM!

Summer-Now

I haven't posted in MONTHS because I have been so overwhelmed with things going on in my life.

Kiara (my niece) had her first surgery in May.

In June I went to a family reunion. Went to California with Jamie where we had fun playing tennis every day in the cool air, we went paddle boarding in the bay, and just spent time being together.

July Kiara had another surgery because the first surgery the Dr did not place the right size shunt. She spent almost a week in the pediatric ICU at my hospital. The Dr. sent her home to early. She was sent home vomiting and still was having head aches. The next day She was in an ER 3 hours away from the hospital where the Dr was taking care of her. She was taken (with my sister) by ambulance back to the hospital where the Dr could watch her. She came to the ICU again. This was a really hard time for my family and I. The Dr was less than helpful giving us information about what was going on. He kept trying to beat around the bush. After this happening for 3 days I went to one of the girls that I know and  lit a fire under everyone. The girl is the social worker on the floor and I let her know that we have no idea what is going on and we need answers. Pretty soon the Drs were in there, but the Neurosurgeon was SUPER rude. He was pissed that we were asking questions. Well maybe if he flipping told us what was happening in the first place we would be so mad. From the time she came back to the hospital to this day (Wednesday) She could not stand for long periods of time with out getting a head ache. She couldn't even hardly sit up completely to eat her food. OBVIOUSLY something was wrong. Finally on Thursday the Neurosurgeon  came in and adjusted her shunt with the magnet and INSTANTLY she felt better.

Oh did I mention that when she came back to the hospital I called my sister in Utah and told her what was happening and she and her family loaded up the car and drove 10 hours to get to the hospital so my  sister wouldn't be alone. I have an AMAZING family!

Kiara is doing better. She is in the 5th grade and happy as can be.

I started nursing school which a whole new journey. I had my first quiz today and it's only the 2nd week of school. I missed 2 or 3 out of 25. Oh well. Whatever. I passed and that's really all I care about. I'm really nervous because I feel so much responsibility with this role. I text one of my girl friends who works with me and she told me to get it together because I ROCK and I know what I'm doing I just need to have a little bit of faith in myself.

Jamie and I have been having a lot of ups and downs lately. It's been really hard on me. I've been with him for almost 3 years and when we fight it tears me apart. I love him, but sometimes I really wonder how much he loves me. I probably shouldn't have written that, but well I don't even care. He knows how I feel.

I realized last Friday that a lot of the abuse from my past is still playing a HUGE role in my life today and it's not the best of feelings. Damn men! I've been working on getting passed this for quite some time, but apparently you can't snap your fingers and make all the bad stuff in your life disappear.

I'm going to go to bed now.

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. I just have so much going through my mind that I'm about to FREAK OUT! I still have a huge test to take to make it legally into nursing school. I keep putting it off because I don't want to fail so instead I procrastinate. I found out last Friday that school would be 4 days a week instead of 3 and that has caused me to go insane. I thought that I would be able to work 3 days, do school 3 days, and have a day off. Nope. Not happening. Why do I want to travel 2.5 hours away to go to school. Why do I want to keep my job. Why do I pay so much for rent and then stay with Jamie so much. Where are Jamie and I even going. He doesn't want kids. I do. I mean seriously. I'm just going crazy in my mind. Mostly I am scared. I'm scared of what is to come because I want it so bad and don't want to fail. If I fail I think I will give up for good and find a new career. Maybe I will become a garbage woman. Maybe I will become a ice cream lady. I don't know. I do know that I am stressed!

I am finally getting my wisdom teeth out in August. My niece is having another brain surgery next week. It's scary knowing so much this time around compared to when I was 15. She had surgery at the end of May, but didn't get the right shunt placed so she has to have another surgery that will be much more extensive. My sister is so strong to be able to cope with this.

The obgyn called the other day to do a follow up with Dr. M. They first called and left a message and I FREAKED out. Why are they calling me. What's wrong with me. Clearly I have so issues! The appointment isn't until Sept but I'm glad they called to get everything set up.

Sorry for the rambling, but my brain is a jumbly mess!

A Little Too Much

I don't really understand my body.

I think most girl's with endo don't. I mean seriously I could be having a happy jolly day when BAM out of no where the pain hits and I don't even understand. I haven't had 10/10 pain in a while, but as of the last week it's been hitting like CRAZY.

On the 25-28th of June Jamie and I spent time in Carlsbad, CA. We enjoy that place because it's active and relaxing. We slept a lot, played tennis every day, went to the beach every day and even went paddle boarding in Mission Bay. It was very enjoyable to get out of the heat for a few days. It was almost comical because when we were driving back in to AZ we stopped to eat. I got out of the car and almost instantly when the heat hit me... so did the pain. Jamie took it as a sign that I need to move. I just took it as this is my life.

I just don't really get how sometimes my pain can feel "controlled," but then others every day it's there to the extreme. I don't even remember the last time I was at the gym and had pain until yesterday. I always get so embarrassed because I look like a complete baby! Sometimes I wish I had a blinking sign over my head that says... "I have endometriosis look it up!" Maybe I should make a shirt that says that to make myself feel better. No matter what people won't understand. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LOOK SICK DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! Stop staring at me like I'm crippled.

Jamie thinks I should go see a GI dr just to make sure nothing else is going on, but honestly it's just another dr to add to my list and I'm over drs. I'm over stupid tests that show me nothing. I'm over spending money on drs that can't give me answers. I'm just over everything. Excuse my bitterness, but I'm highly annoyed. Sigh... I don't know what to do. Any ideas?

Very First

On May 26, 2012 was my VERY first REAL concert. AHHH!

I wasn't sure who I was going to go with because my friends had to work and my old room mate had some things come up so she couldn't go. A few days before the concert... litterally the Thursday before I was talking about it again to my coworker who I first asked, Meg (who I went to Hawaii with) and we decided to see if she could get off that Saturday night to come with. Our awesome manager let her off the hook as long as she promised to check in after the concert to make sure the team was okay.

We saw Sugarland and I LOVED IT! I can't believe how amazing Jennifer is. We sang and danced around to all the songs. They even played my favorite song! "Take Me As I Am." My FAVORITE lines are...
"If you want it
Come and get it
If you want it, come and get it but understand
You take me as I am

I know these corners, I know these streets
The curb-side Prophet there yelling at me
He can save my soul for a drink and a dollar
Yeah, he's yelling about my tattoos
But we all live with the scars we choose
They might hurt like hell, but they all make us stronger"

I just really connect with this song and was so thrilled when they played it. I just was taking it all in! My life has just been so crazy lately and I feel like I'm finally doing the things that I've been putting off for another day.

Maybe having this Pre-C scare is what I needed to get myself in gear. I am not taking things for granted and am finally doing things I want and not depending on others to be there.

If you can recall I was very excited because Jamie said that he would go with me to these concerts because it's something I wanted and loved. Guess who was the first to say no? Yes, you are correct... him. Oh well. It's probably better that way since people were smoking and stuff and he always goes crazy about people that smoke. Besides he wouldn't have known any of the songs and Meg knew everything and we even got to sing to each other.

Life is good, life is bad, but really it's what we make of it that matters.

I had a goal of doing a bikini show this summer. Although I'm in good shape I'm not where I want or need to be for the show and won't be participating. I was kind of sad. You know the... I let myself down... AGAIN. I let another show pass me by. But to be honest I've been having so much fun doing other things that are more important to me than some silly bikini show. All the girls there have fake b..bs and some have wigs. I'm more into being all natural and earning what I deserve. Maybe I'll do a show someday, but today is not that day. This summer has started off so AMAZING and I can't wait to see what else becomes of it!

Tri On!

This was started on May 24, 2012. I've been busy!

I headed up to Utah this passed Thursday to be with my sister to do our triathlon. Friday morning I woke up earlier than I had planned on, but that's what happens when you are switching from nights to days. I read through some of my emails as I was in bed. I had recieved one from the people doing the triathlon. They had some rules to read and some othere stuff. At the bottom they listed some women of steel and what they had to go through to get there. When we signed up they asked why are you a woman of steel and what did you have to overcome to be here. When I was reading the email I realized I was one of the people that they quoted. I said, "I have had to over come the pains of endometriosis every day while training. I also have precancerous cells on my cervix that I am battling with multiple procedures while training as well. It has been difficult to do, but I'm doing it!" When I saw this I started to cry. I almost forgot what I had to go through to get to this point in time. I was also crying because someone thought I was a woman of steel and recognized my battles as being worth writing down. Later that morning, my sister and I, went on a small bike ride just to get the bikes ready and make sure we were really ready for what was in store for us Saturday morning. Friday night we picked up our packets and saw where we were to put our bikes and get everything settled. I remember being so super scared. Saturday morning I woke up earlier than I had planned, but that was okay. It gave me time to get my mind in gear before the big race. I listened to my ipod and just took things easy. My sister woke up and we got everything ready to go.

At 8 am we were huddled up with 844 other people next to the pool. It was PURE CHAOS! There were 2 seperate lines on each end of the pool and people were entering the pool every 15 seconds. There were so many people that people were walking instead of swimming because there was no possible way to pass someone. Finally it was our turn. My sister went first and I followed shortly behind her. Once we finished it we went to the transition zone. On the way to the transition we saw her husband and kids screaming and yelling for us! It was so much fun. I love them all so much! In the transition zone my sister and I were not next to each other because it was done by age. I looked up as I was changing and putting on my shoes to see her taking her bike down. I thought she still had her shoes to put on and thought I would be next to her. I was wrong. I fell behind again because my helmet had some issues when I first attempted to put it on. Finally I got out of the gate and heard my fan club cheering me on! When I got on my bike it was a crazy feeling. I made it up the first hill okay, but the second (the hill of death) was a big DUZY! People were running the hill faster than I was biking. No joke! BUT... I kept going. I kept pushing the dumb pedals. On the downhill part I really was able to pick up some time and it felt so good to fly. I started my second loop of the bike. Once again I got to the hill of death and someone said "Keep going AZ" (since I had AZ sisters dare to Tri on my shirt.) I made up the dumb hill again and then eventually flew down the last part. Oh I have to add.. While I was riding I decided I need to eat something. All I had planned to eat was this grano.la bar with pb and chocolate. BAD IDEA FOLKS! The p.b. and chocolate did not go well with my saliva and everything else going on. Do NOT ever attempt to eat that during a Tri! Anyways...

The transition to the run was easy. Basically you get off your bike and run next to it until you rehang it. The rehanging it is the hard part because your muscles feel all crazy. I made it out to do the run. I tried really hard to run and did the best I could. I ended up walk/running it. It honestly was the best I could do. As I rounded the last corner where there was 100-200 yards left I saw my sister running towards me. I was choaking back my tears which made it even more hard to breathe in that altitude with no inhaler (oops!) It was very emotional to have my sister finish with me. She came back for me after she finished just like she said she would. We finished together hand in hand! I have never been so proud in my LIFE!!!!

There was a few times when I was pretty emotional through out the course. So many things were running through my mind to keep me going such as... I'm doing this! No one else is making do this. I'm doing this all by myself! I'm actually doing this! This is real life! EFF endo! You will not beat me! You will not give me pain! I will beat you! I am doing this!

I am just so proud of myself. As I was finishing up the biking portion and was flying down that hill for the last time I was thinking about another time when I was really proud of myself and felt this same way. When I was 19 I won a pageant and it was quite a big deal to me. I remember the feeling of I did this. No one gave me this, but I earned it! That's exactly how I felt. I earned the right to say I did a triathlon!

I am so proud of my sister and myself. She finished the race 30 minutes faster than she had a previous race she had done. I finished 10 minutes behind my sister in this race. I know our times aren't that fabulous, but I'm still very proud of them. She achieved 1:39 and I was 1:49. I just can't get over the fact that we did this!

After the race was over Andrew, my sisters husband, and the kids were all there to greet us and give us hugs! They too were also proud of us. We were pretty sore, but ate some fruit they gave us and then rode the bikes the mile back to their house. The rest of the day we relaxed and then went to a lunch to celebrate how awesome we are!

I hope that I can keep up my training and do another one someday. However... I have to buy a bike. With me going back to school I'm not sure if a bike is in the budget as of right now.