Dreams Come True

In 2014 I set some serious goals for myself and before I knew it 2014 was over and my dreams had come true right before my eyes.

Jan- May- I finished my 4th block of nursing school

May- Jamie and I adopted Coco 

June- I took NCLEX and became a nurse! I started in the Pediatric ER

July- I went to my very first Pediatric Trauma conference in California and competed in my first Bikini contest.

August- First full family vacation

September- I opened an Instagram account just for my fitness @StephanieBFit

October- Jamie and I went to California to be apart of my friends wedding!

November- I competed in my second bikini contest and looked even better than my first show!

December- I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy and proud! 2014 was amazing and I am looking forward to reaching my dreams and goals in 2015. 

2015 will consist of Jamie and I competing together in Dallas. I'm pushing hard to get first place and to compete in Nationals. Jamie and I will get married in the fall. 

2014 was all about me. 2015 is all about us! 

I keep my instagram up to date. Feel free to follow me. StephanieBFit!

Making 2014 MINE

 

In May I graduated from nursing school! I was one of the speakers for my nursing ceremony and had fun uplifting others to continue on with their dreams to touch lives!

In June I took my state boards and found out I passed within less than 24 hours! I immediately called my manager and before the day was over I had a job offer where I currently work! I started working at a nurse 2 weeks later!!!!

While passing my state boards and learning to become a nurse on the job I was training for my first bikini show!!!!

I had an amazing time doing the competition and look forward to doing my next show. I was able to compete with Jamie and that made it an amazing once in a life time experience for both of us! I will do another show in November and will start training for it tomorrow.

I'm still doing orientation at my work and will take on the night shift position by myself in just a few short weeks. I'm really loving being a nurse and loving how much I've been able to accomplish this year for myself. 

I told Jamie at the beginning of this year that 2014 would be MY year and so far it has been!

I Did It!

Yes that's right, I did it!

I FINISHED NURSING SCHOOL!!!!!!

I can not believe how crazy the last 2 years of my life have been. And to look back and realize that I did it! It was hard and crazy! I was driving 2.5 hours to school on Sunday's and 2.5 hours back on Wednesday's and working Thursday-Saturday nights in the emergency room! There was so many sleepless nights! So many I can't even count. The above schedule was on a good week and most weeks were much more chaotic and filled with clinicals or lab or other various school things I had to do.

The thing is… Even though I had to drive those 2.5 hours multiple times I wouldn't change it for the world. On either side of those 2.5 hours I had people that loved me. On one side was my amazing parents. They have been there through it all. They have patiently and lovingly got me through the last 2 years. They were there for countless break downs over school or life or just little things like my dogs being sick! My mom made sure to feed me and have whatever food I was hooked on that week stocked for me. They never knew if I was eating healthy or not so they always had ice cream just in case! We had family dinner most nights together and that is something I will miss. I will also miss our Tuesday night date with "NCIS." My parents have made this dream possible for me. After all it was my mom who told me that one night so long ago, "You would make a great nurse. You stayed really calm and that was awesome."

On the other side of the 2.5 hours was my loving boyfriend Jamie. We have gone through so much together the last 2 years with my schooling and his accident and just life in general. One thing that amazes me that we came out on the other side of nursing school just as close as ever. He has been so patient with me as I've had my fair share of melt downs over stupid things. We have grown together to make a pretty good team. I am thankful for him sticking by my side and reminding me constantly that I can do it!

During those 2.5 hour drives I got to talk to my best friend Randa! I would call her every time I was in the car. I knew where the dead zones were and when the phone would start to cut out. We talked about everything. She got used to my road rage and honking at cars! I got used to her being a mom and picking back up the conversation seconds later. It was so much fun and made the drive go by faster.
During the no cell phone zones I knew which radio stations worked when and when to start my cd player!

Nursing school made it hard to spend time with my family. Luckily for me my sisters were just a text or phone call away. I had fun talking to them and on occasion skyping with my nieces and nephews. During the first part of nursing school one sister lived just down the road from my parents along with both of my brothers. My other sister lived in Utah. It was fun going to Celissa's house right after school and just relaxing and eating a cookie or two! If I came home to my parents early enough on Sunday's all my siblings would be there (at least the ones that lived in town.) I flew to Utah multiple times and spent time with my sister and her family. I spent a birthday there over Christmas break and then a week there during the summer celebrating her oldest daughter's birthday. During my years I also got to meet up with my brother Ren for occasional breakfast's and sometimes he would stay at my parents for work stuff. If I stayed late on Wednesday's I would always get to see my other brother, Aaron. It was fun to get to play with his daughter one on one. During Jamie's accident my family were there for me. Elizabeth considered coming down from Utah and both my sisters made care packages! I love my siblings!!!!!!!!

One great thing about going to school and working at the same time is the nurses I work with were willing (most of the time) to help me with studying, homework, and even care plans. The nurses are awesome and spent time teaching me. I was able to have more hands on experience than the other students because each time I went to work I was learning more about becoming a nurse. Even though I wasn't actually doing all the nursing things I was still having fun. Sure I didn't really get to go out with my work friends very often but I did get spend every weekend with them.

I made new friends. Starting out on my journey I instantly became friends with Michelle, the smartest girl in class. We sat together for almost all 4 semesters (the last semester the teachers were constantly making us change seats, lame.) Then there was Jamie. I had worked with her before in the ER when I was just 18. We had a love/hate relationship back then and it carried forward. In second block we picked up Andi. Who became part of the study pack. Then there was Adalyn who joined in as well. Before I knew it I loved all the girls in my class. Wendy came and stayed with me during out of town clinicals and I stayed with the other girls one weekend just for fun. We all had our quirks, but man did I love 90 percent of all the people in my class. Lisa and Bernice were sassy and called me various spanish names that I still don't even know… something about a bun and a white girl. I will never forget how much fun everyone was and how much we all supported each other through the hardest 2 years!

What an amazing journey the last 2 years have been for me. At first I wasn't sure how it all was going to play out, but I did it. Each week was different than the week before and I was constantly looking at my planner. It was one of the craziest things I have ever done. When Jamie had his accident I really wasn't sure how I was going to keep doing all of the things and take care of him. Thankfully with the time off from work I was able to juggle it all. Looking back I know that God's hand was in all of these things. He knew that I could do it and knew I could handle even a little more. Never had I prayed more than I did in nursing school! I had a lot of guardian angels looking over me as I drove with little to no sleep. I am glad that it's over, but wouldn't change any of it!

Goodbye nursing school… Hello NCLEX!

Please Stop...

Over the weekend as I was putting together a toy for a young child I was interrupted by someone asking when I was going to have kids. I quickly shot back, "I'm not." To this she replied, "Oh just wait until you're 30 and your ovaries start quivering." At that point more nurses joined in saying how oh you'll be a mom and how can you not have kids.

To everyone out there… PLEASE STOP ASKING WHEN I'M GOING TO HAVE A CHILD!

You will never know what goes on in my mind. Just because your friend or sister in law or really anyone you may know has one of the same problems I do and ended up with children doesn't mean I will. I have THREE diagnosis' that stack up against me. (Endometriosis, adnomyosis, Polycystic ovaries) I was told FLAT OUT, "You will need help ovulating," and really that's just the beginning!

Just because you can't handle what I have to say doesn't mean you should continue to annoy me with your questions!

At this point in my life I am 25! I'm finishing nursing school! I have other things I'm worried about right now. I've had to put my dreams of having a family behind me. Just because other women can handle the pain that comes from losing a child, or pay thousands of dollars to POSSIBLY conceive doesn't mean I can or want to. The thought of getting pregnant and then losing that pregnancy is not something I can even begin to imagine.

Don't get me wrong, if by the grace and miracles of God I do conceive a child, I will love that baby with everything I have and more. However, if that miracle doesn't come I've accepted that (at least for now.) I do have the right to change my mind at any given chance and try valiantly to have a child, but that's not right now.

I'm just so sick of people thinking that just because I'm young I'm fertile. Just because I'm young I don't know what I want. Just because I have a disease that someone they know has I must be just like them. Well what they don't know is the hundreds of thousands of women who can't have kids because of just one of those three disease.

It's flat out rude to pester people about whether they want children or when they are going to have said children. It's rude that I have to sit in public and defend myself. It's disappointing that no one cares to listen to me since I know my body! It's sad that I feel belittled by other women because of my body. IT WAS NEVER MY CHOICE TO HAVE THESE PROBLEMS! It's not like I sat there one day and said, "You know I think it would be fun to have pain on and off for the rest of my life. It would be fun not to ever follow my dreams of being a mom." Not once have I ever thought those things.

You would think that women could be a little more empathetic towards that, but however that doesn't always seem to be the case. We should be building each other up and loving each other when life gives us lemons. We should rally around each other in love and friendship. I, for one, don't always like talking about my health issues, especially in the middle of working!

This was not meant to offend those involved, but to educate for the future of myself and others like me.

Back At It

Well this week has been fun… Well maybe not so much.

Sunday my sister surprised me with a visit to my house with her family including the dog. It was a short visit because they were on their way back home to get the kids home and in bed for school in the morning. It was fun just hanging out and they are the first real visitors we have had at the house! I love the kids of course…. I always talk about them! I'm glad they stopped by for a bit to boost my day! Jamie and I had fun later just hanging out and having fun. We needed just a relaxing night! When I finally laid down to go to bed around 4 the pain came.

It was horrible! I started crying. Jamie asked what to get I was sent into a panic because I only had 2 hydro's left and I knew I couldn't take them both because what if I have more pain later with nothing to fall back on. So I took one, 800mg of IBU and 2 heating pads! Nothing helped. I couldn't get comfortable. Then the pain was so bad that I felt like I was going to vomit. Then the meds didn't help with the nausea. Of course I couldn't take nausea meds because I left them at my mom's during Christmas and the other meds knock me out for 12 hours at the least and I had an appointment to go to later on. At around 7:30 I finally fell asleep on the couch. Then 9:30 rolled around and Jamie woke up and came to help me from the couch back to the bed. I went to my rehab appointment and was late because I was so exhausted.

Later Jamie took me out shooting my new gun he got me for Christmas. It was good to get my mind off the pain. I must say I'm a pretty good shot! Don't mess with this sexy lady!

Tuesday was Jamie's birthday. We spent the first part of the day just being lazy. Who doesn't love to just lay under the covers and chit chat with their significant other! It was a good morning. We went shooting again at the indoor range and went to lunch. In the evening I had to return back to school so I went on the 2 hour drive back to my parents to start school Wednesday morning.

It's my last block of nursing school!!!!! It's seriously CRAZY! I hope my pain settles down so I can get through this. I don't know if it's so out of control because I started this new pelvic rehab and so the muscles are just getting manipulated more. Or maybe my pain is all from my devil period. I guess soon I won't have a period since I'm getting the IUD. I still don't even know how I feel about that, but I guess if it doesn't work out then it can always come out. It's not the end all be all.

Well I have to get back to studying….

No Sleep for Me

I can't sleep and I have a photoshoot in the morning. Nothing like bags under my eyes for looking glamourous.

Friday I had my appointment with Dr. G. He was nice enough. He spoke way too fast and I had to fight to get some information out of him. He said he reviewed my last visit and my pelvic rehab notes (I started pelvic rehab for the attempts to help with pain.) He asked about my pain and so on. Eventually he told me that I have polycystic ovaries, some adenomyosis, and of course the endo.

At one point he sat back at asked, "Okay so when do you want to get pregnant." I just sat there shocked! I had the doctor staring at me along with Jamie. I finally blurted out 5 years I guess. I just said that because I knew that's what Jamie wanted to hear. In my heart I was secretly screaming today!

I asked about my fertility statistics. He said assuming that the endo hasn't grown there should be no problems with that. He said that until I try we won't know if I can hold on to a pregnancy. He said that I have the same risk as anyone else. (I don't think I believe that.) He said that my biggest issue with be the polycystic ovaries. I'm not ovulation every time I have a period. So I will need help with that.

He suggested that I see a GI dr because he is convinced that my pain isn't all just coming from the endo. I think that's the stupidest thing of my life, but whatever I'll comply. He wants me to get an IUD.

In Feb I'll do a test that will show the size of my uterus and if it's big enough I'll have the 5 year IUD placed. I'm actually not sure how I feel about this. I flat out told the dr I have a hostile uterus and he told me that a hostile uterus will not make an IUD a bigger risk of perforation. He basically feels like the benefits of an IUD out weighs the risks.

I haven't really had time to digest the news until today. I don't even know what to do. I feel so torn. I hate what if's and I feel that's all I'm saying lately. It comes down to this… Jamie doesn't want kids. I love Jamie. I am not sure I want to have kids, but let's say I do. Then I have to leave Jamie, find someone else and then what if I still can't even have kids in the end. It's complete chaos in my head right now. I can't even sleep! It's 7:30 AM!

Opening the Flood Gates

A few weeks ago I had my yearly check up with my favorite OBGYN. He is the one that did my surgery for the endo and all my other procedures through the years. He is amazing. He has a great bedside manor and everything. During the exam he found a lump in my breast which he said would become my best friend as I continue to monitor it. He said it was just a fibrocystic mass which is normal, but to keep a feel on it! ha! I told him I was still having pain. He decided to schedule and ultrasound and do blood work for my vitamin d. He also noticed a lot of random bruising is awkward places so he did a CBC and clotting times. At the end of the appointment he said that he would be leaving the practice and continuing on as head surgeon at one of the hospitals. My heart broke. I almost cried. I now needed to find a new dr!!!!

Vitamin D dropped from 20 in September to 14. I had been taking 5,000 IU a day. They gave me 50,000 IU to take weekly and I will continue with my 5,000 a day.

WBC was barely normal. Remember before it was low at 3.7. Normal being 4. Now it's 4.4. I still haven't received the report from my clotting times…. I hope that was normal.

I went to the ultrasound appointment last week before going to work. It was a new tech who I really liked. Maybe because she was so open and honest about what she saw or her sassy attitude like me! She said she thought she saw signs of PCOS. (Rewind to before my surgery to when my pelvic pain started… My VERY first ultra sound at a different clinic they said the same thing. However when they did the blood work for it they forgot to take me off my birth control so the hormone readings were off due to the birth control and therefore no diagnosis was made. I was sent to Dr. M for possible scar tissue removal and came out of surgery with endo!) After the appointment I was a little disappointed. Nothing big though. I don't even think I cried. I guess because I had heard it before so it wasn't a big deal.

Tuesday I had been up all night and barely got any sleep, I woke up at noon to go take my final nursing exam for the semester and received a phone call. It was the OBGYN office. I had been expecting them to call with the results of the US. She kind of stuttered and stammered saying how I need to follow up with Dr. Greyson because of the US results. "It's nothing bad, but, uh, it's just adenomyosis. Now don't worry some women have it and it's totally okay, but some women have it and they have pelvic pain and heavy periods. Are you having pelvic pain?" "Yes I sure am!" "Well this is the cause. We will schedule you an appointment and go from there." So I scheduled my appointment. I was calm. I was collected. I briefly did a google search as to WTF that was. Told myself I don't have time to get upset because I'm going to take my final and this is a HUGE thing. I will worry about my uterus later. I had called Jamie after I hung up with the Dr's office and left a message. Awhile later he text me saying he was sorry and he would go to the appointment with me.  (Brief side note… I have seen Dr. Greyson before and don't really love him. I saw him when I was having severe pain and he tried to work me up for an appendicitis… I had that removed in 2007 and it was listed first thing on the chart!!!)

I called Jamie on the way to school. I was doing okay and then I wasn't. I began to cry. Not just any cry, but a cry of my heart is breaking. Sobbing. I don't even think I could be understood to be honest. I went to my test crying still. My teacher thought I was just crying out of stress. Then I told her that the dr had called and gave me some bad news. She asked if I was going to be okay and I told her yes. I went in and took my final and passed! YIPPEE!!!

Through out the day on Tuesday I was tearful. When I finally saw Jamie I lost it again. I just am so heart broken. I know it's not the end of the world, but it's just so hard! I turn 25 on Saturday and my uterus is in dog years and is turning 175!!!! WHY ME?!?!

So I sit here. Alone. Silence fills the air. The questions lingers… Do I want children? Can I have children? If I want children what is the price I have to pay, emotionally, physically to have a child? Am I strong enough to endure a possible miscarriage or the devastation of not having kids?

I don't know what God's plan is for me right now and I'm struggling to understand why do I need to endure another lifetime disease.

Adenomysosis- is where the lining of the uterus that normally gets shed grows into the muscle of the uterus.

Endometriosis- is where the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus attaching and growing on to other things like bowels, bladder, anywhere. It's even been seen in the esophagus and brain!