Stephanie The Blondie

What Was I Thinking

2012-01-30T05:57:00.000-08:00

****Warning- This message contains sensitive details and is not for the weak****

Seriously folks, this message is going to be down to the nitty gritty about what is happening with me and I suggest if you are a man you just wait for a post next week to read.

****Last chance to exit*****

What in the devil was I thinking when I decided I wanted to have my period. I know I so desperately want to be normal, but I need to get over that and realize that I have a serious medical problem that is REAL and not just a figment of my imagination. This produces real pain in ways that I do NOT like.

There are so many things that I forgot in the last year with out having my period. I forgot how upset my stomach gets. I forgot how much it hurts to go to the bathroom. I forgot how gross I feel. I forgot just mostly all the pain that comes with this and I haven't even started my stupid period yet. The days leading up are terrible. I'm off the pill so my natural hormones are in control and it's the dumbest thing I have ever done in my whole life I'm pretty sure.

I feel like I am stuck and honestly I'm really kind of upset. I feel like I have to take my birth control to keep my estrogen in check so the endometriosis doesn't grow. However, with taking the birth control continuously over time my chance for cervical cancer go up and let's just face the music on this one...I have been on birth control for many years and I already have precancerous cells and I don't even know if they got them all from my leep procedure. This is just an endless circle and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck in it and I want a way out.

One thing having this dumb period is doing for me is making me realize that the endo is still there and it didn't just magically heal and go away. I wish that it magically went away. I wish that I could use the restroom in peace with out pain. I wish I could do a lot of things with out pain. It makes me realize that maybe it has grown or the doctor didn't see everything that was in there.

I'm sure someone out there is thinking that I'm throwing myself a big pitty party, but the truth of the matter is that I'm not. I'm just being real with what is going on with me. I'm not exaggerating anything that is happening right now so don't get your panties all twisted.

I'm gonna try and go back to sleep. I'll let you all know how the week progresses. I have the day off today so that will give me time to rest and take care of myself. We will see about getting back out there to the gym.

OCD

2012-01-27T07:50:00.000-08:00

I'm going to say that my OCD of germs right now is in full swing. I came home from work, stripped, threw everything in the wash and headed straight for the shower. I washed my body so many times that the water went cold. I washed my hair and face at least twice. My body just couldn't feel clean enough. I swear I really don't think I have OCD, but it's moments like this that I swear I do. I am shaking and my body is so tense. *Breathe* They say that often times people with OCD are just trying to have some control over their lives. Maybe I'm trying to be more in control because I feel like everything else right now is so extremely chaotic.

I will try and sleep now and not dream of little germs eating me alive and cause me to have all sorts of funk.

Ticking Time Bomb

2012-01-25T22:43:00.000-08:00

I don't know what my deal is, but today I'm more emotional than usual. I just got done reading a blog from one of follow endo friends. She is currently awaiting for her little embryo to be transferred over into her. She could use a lot of prayers right now. Today's blog was emotional for me. Please go read it HERE to understand a little more about living with infertility issues and how hard it can be. She talks about the pain she feels from normal every day woman. I got pretty emotional because, although I'm not currently at a point to try and be pregnant, I feel like people are so cruel. So here is some of what I'm feeling on my scale of things in my life.

The endo girl gets severe pain at any given time and often feels out of place. People just tell her, "oh it's just bad cramps."She knows that it's not cramps, but something far worse and more painful. The normal girl gets cramps and takes midol and it goes away.

The endo girl fears her period more than the plague. The normal girl just finds it annoying because it gets in the way.

The endo girl has to remember every day to take her stupid birth control pill, not because she fears getting pregnant, but she knows if she doesn't her period will come and the endo will grow. The normal girl finds it annoying to remember everyday just so she doesn't get pregnant.

The endo girl has a hard time having sex comfortably in any position. The normal girl can have a sex filled week in any position she pleases with out thinking twice if it will hurt.

The endo girl cries not knowing if she will ever have a chance of conceiving on her own. The normal girl... it doesn't even cross her mind.

The endo girl knows where her heating pads are, her meds, and favorite position to wait out the storm. The normal girl will never own a heating bad and ibuprofen takes away all her issues.

The endo girl has ugly scars and is self conscience about wearing a bikini even if she is skinny. The normal girl has no scars and just worries if she looks fat.

These are just some of the things that I have been feeling lately. This past month I have been thinking about whether I should let my body have a period or not. I haven't had my period in almost a year because I've been on continuous birth control. Long term use of birth control can make your chances of having cervical cancer higher. (F*** me!) (*Sorry Mom*) So today at Wal Mart I quietly look at Jamie and ask him what he thinks. He gets a serious look on his face and reminds me about the long term use of the birth control. I almost burst into tears and tell him to shush. He said that I should try it out this month and see how it goes. So I bought some tampons. I am so nervous about having my first period since my surgery last year. I have tons to do this weekend, including work, and can't take the time off if the pain is just too much.

I hoping that my period won't be too painful, but I'm sure I will let you know.

*tick tock*

Mud Everywhere, but No Rain

2012-01-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

There he is! My Officer in shining MUD!

I met Jamie and his fellow officers down at the academy where they train at this morning around 10:30. I followed them to this dog park where they had a fire hose out making this area nice a muddy. Jamie was the first to ride through. (I'm pretty sure he was showing off for me) The first time he went through no problem. The other guys went and both fell into the mud. Jamie went again and this time I was filming. He fell of course. I felt bad only because I knew he didn't want to fall and be all muddy. They all went through about 10 times and by the end they all were staying up. I was really proud of him. If they put down their feet at anytime they have to do mandatory fall and rolls. So...

There he is on the left doing his mandatory falls with his fellow classmates. When they told him to do the rolls in the mud he immediately ran out and started to roll and didn't even wait for the other guys. Then they got in sync and did their rolls perfectly together.

After all the rolling and stuff they rinsed off and I headed home knowing that I would be doing laundry later. So what am I doing right now... Laundry. Where is everyone? Asleep. Oh well. Hopefully at one point I stay up late at night taking care of a baby or something not just doing boring things like laundry.

(yes, I have baby on the brain)

I was glad I went to go watch Jamie today. None of the other student's wives were there, but I wanted to be there to support him. And they learned not to go into the mud and how to control the bike when the roads are wet, which is really important because that could be very very dangerous.

So his house might have mud everywhere, but I will get it cleaned before everyone wakes up. Including his vest, boots, belt, gloves, and anything else. I wish I could marry myself. I would make a good wife!

Ramblings from the Grave

2012-01-23T22:13:00.000-08:00

Lately I don't know what my deal is, but I've been feeling deathly. I am pretty sure I got hit by a semi truck or possibly a train. Last week I was sick and then I went to my counselors appointment. We just barely started an in depth process about some childhood things that I hadn't ever dealt with before. He told me that I may be very emotional as things start to come to the surface. I should have known that I wouldn't become emotional, but that my body would take the blow. I'm assuming that is why I have been so deathly, well and the fact that I already had a sinus infection I was battling. I've been relaxing a lot and taking it very slow and easy. At some point I would like to ease back into going to the gym, but not today.

Tonight my mom stopped by on her way back to my home town. She was up here attending a meeting and I was telling her I didn't feel well so she stopped by to give me a hug and kiss. BEST MOM EVER!

Tomorrow I have to be some what of a human because I get to go watch Jamie at his motor school. Tomorrow they are making them ride in the mud, but really the whole point of them riding in the mud is to teach them NOT to ride in the mud because you can't steer and you will become a muddy mess. That is what I'm going to watch. Him become a muddy mess, but I'm going to enjoy every minute of it and be his little cheer leader. This week he will be doing his qualifications. I told him when he qualifies I would bake him a cake.... GREAT WHAT DID I DO!!!! So I guess I need to figure out some sort of cool shape to make a cake into. My sisters are great at this because they do it for their kids. I, on the other hand, only make square or rectangle cakes! Oh well. Let the fun begin!

Hopefully I won't be lazy and maybe I'll add some pictures tomorrow of my muddy man!

Sleepless Night

2012-01-21T03:26:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks I've been battling a sinus infection. My head has been killing me. I finally went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me an antibiotic and told me to keep taking over the counter medicine to drain the mucus. I feel like death still. My head feels like its going to explode! I want it to go away. I want to train so badly, but my head hurts even worse! I'm sure it will get better soon. I need to go back to sleep, but my body hates me! It protests me. BLA!

On a better note. Jamie completed his first week at motor school. Motor school is where he is learning how to ride a motorcycle for work. He is learning how to do life saving tactics if he ever gets put in a bad situation. I am very nervous still about this motor officer nonsense. Last week I went with Jamie and his crew to an officers funeral. All of his crew road their bikes and to watch them form in their lines and ride was amazing. We road with two sergeants in the car and were also able to be in the funeral procession. People lined the streets with flags to honor the fallen officer. One man was on the side of the free way with his head bowed and hand on his heart. For fallen officers they do what is called the last call. This is a real tear jerking experience. At the cemetery the dispatcher calls the officers badge number. He doesn't respond. They call again and this time say the address of the cemetery. He doesn't respond. The last time they call they told him to go be with Heavenly Father and that is his new calling was to watch over his family and be with God. I cried. I could not keep it composed. I watched hundreds of officers all weep over the loss of one of their owns. I do not want this to be my Jamie. He told me that all motor officers wreck at least once in their life times. That is not comforting at all! I just have to let God take care of him and pray nothing happens. This coming week the families of those members going through the motor school are all invited to come watch. I'm excited to watch and to see for myself that he is safe.

Did I mention he is doing AMAZING! He is sore because his big strong muscles aren't used to do those moves. Oh and not to mention they teach them how to properly fall off the bike so they don't get hurt. So he has been practicing his falls. Ouch! He is my super hero though and Superheroes don't bruise ♥ He is so amazing.

Okay I'll try and go back to sleep now.

Nothing Will Stop Me

2012-01-18T22:48:00.000-08:00

Last year my sister Elizabeth competed in her first triathlon. Ever since we had it in our minds that the next one we will be doing together! Sadly she moved all the way to Utah at the beginning of January. However our goal is not over. She heard about an all women's triathlon in Utah around where she lives. We talked about doing it and over the last week I have been training. Today we signed up. We sealed the deal by buying our place in the run. I'm extremely nervous, but VERY excited.

It's scary for me because every time I push my body it seems to push back. I told Jamie that I don't care how mad my body gets I am doing this triathlon even if it kills me. I want to be able to accomplish this and who better to do it with then my sister!

For those of you wondering.... No I'm not taking a bike up there. Elizabeth's husband has one that I can use. No I am not going to drive there because it's too far. I will be flying up there a few days before to get adjusted. I feel like I should go up there some time in April to see how I am doing, but I need to make sure I have the money to do so.

The date for the triathlon is May 19, 2012 and my training has already begun because I'm not sure how long it will take me to get my endurance up that high. I have never trained on a bike before so that should be interesting for sure. I used to swim all the time about 10 years ago when I was on the swim team. I ran last year the warrior dash so I think I'm okay with the run, but we will see how it all meshes together in the end.

For me the swim is easy yet hard because you have to time your breathing with the strokes. The bike would be easy if it was a flat road with no hills, but I don't think I'll get that lucky. The run will be nice minus the fact that I HATE running unless I'm going to save a person's life.

My first time in the pool I was pretty positive that I wasn't ever going to finish my work out, but when I did it was the BEST feeling in the entire world! Yesterday was my first time on the bike in over 2 years and I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. It was an awesome work out. I went straight from the bike to a short little jog just to get my legs used to the feeling. It's awkward. My legs felt like straight JELLO. All the sports use different muscle groups so it is weird.

All I know is that this is a goal I have set for myself and nothing is going to stop me. Not this stupid endo pain that has been really bad all week. Not these stupid bad cells that are just chillin in my cervix. Not even the snow would stop me. I don't care how long it takes me as long as I finish!

Dallas- Meeting the Mom

2012-01-16T06:47:00.000-08:00

(I started this last week) The 4 days I spent my time is Dallas, Texas doing many things. First and foremost... I met Jamie's mom! I must say I was very VERY nervous because this is such a big step in our relationship. His mom and Steve (his stepdad) were very nice people and treated me with so much love. It was nice to be there and be apart of that.

His mom and Steve are both Korean and that's all they eat. I tried dried up fried seaweed and about lost all my cookies. I also tried sprouts which I was also not so fond of. Through it all I made it out okay with frequent trips to the bathroom because my tummy was not accustom to all this different food.

We met Jamie's half brother that he had never met before. It was quite a different experience. He was able to learn more about his father that had died when Jamie was still pretty young. We wanted to meet up with the rest of his half brothers but it just didn't pan out that way.

We did meet up Jamie's brother Marcus and his daughter, Navia. We took them out to lunch and went to the mall.

On Jamie's birthday we were planning on going to Six Flags, but sadly it was closed. Instead we went to this HUGE mall and looked around. We went to Sephora and I bought new make up and Jamie bought new manly face stuff like shaving cream and such. They were even nice enough to show me how to put on my make up and how to clean my brushes and such. While at the mall we did wander into Tiffany's. It started out purely innocent because I'm in love with that place. I found a charm bracelet I really want and then a crown to go on it. As we were leaving I walked back by the engagement rings (as any girl would do) and before I knew it the sales guy was trying to get Jamie to buy me a ring. As we walked out the doors we laughed SOOOO hard because the guy was talking about money like it grew on trees and we had enough to just lay it all down right then. I decided to put in on FB that we were on Tiffany's with the caption "Yeah this is happening" in a flurry everyone was commenting and liking it as they assumed I was getting married. Jamie and I laughed about that too.

Jamie's birthday night we went to a Teppanyaki place that was really good. It was a lot different than in Hawaii. In Hawaii the cooks are very quiet and don't make a big deal about anything, but there, in Texas, everything is big with a lot of fire and fun. I liked it except for when I was trying to have a conversation and the guy kept interrupting me with his tricks.

I enjoyed spending time getting to know his mom and Steve. It was cool to see where he grew up and his home town, although everything has changed. I passed the Mom test!

I can't wait to start planning my next vacation with Jamie ♥

A Wrap on 2011

2012-01-03T04:26:00.000-08:00

I told myself I was going to put up pictures with this post, but I'm on break at work and so well it's not happening.

January- My first trip to California with Jamie. My first time going to Sea World, Six Flags, and Universal Studios in California.

February- I had surgery and was diagnosed with endometriosis

March- Spent the month recovering and learning about my new disease

April- Went to Carlsbad, California. Went to the San Diego Zoo.

May- Ran the Warrior Dash, my first 5k!!!

June- Started my training to lose weight and be healthy

July- Found out I had a heart murmur and experienced palpitations (stopped training because too much stress on my heart)

August- New pains in weird places. Learned how to start coping with everything going on.

September- Went on a cruise with Jamie =) Loved every minute!

October- Biopsies, Pre- C cells, High grade cervical dysplasia, Grade 2

November- Leep procedure, taking notice of the small things in life that mean the most

Decemeber- Hawaii for my birthday! Pre-C, Grade 3, Christmas at home with my family and Jamie. Reunion with my BESTIE!

My goal was to lose weight and be healthier. Not only did I LOSE weight... I KEPT IT OFF!!!!!!
That's right everyone through all this mess I have been able to control my weight (for the most part) and maintain just like I wanted too.

I was hoping that at the end of 2011 all my health problems would be a thing of the past, but no such luck.

I am so thankful for all those people in my life that have been there for me every step of the way through all of this craziness of a year. I am so blessed to have so many people looking out for me and reaching out to me in ways I have never dreamed of. My family has been a great strength to me. I'm sure Heavenly Father is sick of hearing their prayers for me, but they aren't going to stop and I'm glad! Jamie and I have become closer together every day. He has given me his strength when I can't bare to go on. Randa has been there to text me all night long just to keep me smiling through all the tears. I'm so glad I got to see her in Decemeber. Emily has been there keeping up with my blogs and sending her love from hundreds of miles away. Now for the readers who have been keeping up with my blogs and sending love, advice, and encouragement I thank you. I am blessed to have become apart of something bigger than just me and my inner circle.

Through out the year the one thing that has remained the same is this...

I am blessed beyond belief. God is GREAT! He is a man of many miracles and I have been blessed by him.

As for 2012... I really REALLY want to finally accomplish my goal of doing a bikini show. I'm nervous about my scars, but they have become a part of me, the struggles I have over come, and my strength as a woman. I really REALLY want to get rid of these stupid bad cells before something bad happens. I want my body to become strong and fight through all this nonsense.

However, God may have a different plan for my 2012.

I left 2011 with a few more scars, but with a bigger, fuller heart of love! ♥

Christmas and More!

2011-12-31T04:28:00.000-08:00

I arrived home Wednesday evening to my parents house to begin Christmas. My nephew Josiah decided that he wanted to have a sleep over at my parents house so he was there enjoying time with my parents. They had made snowman pancakes and so I had one too. I had so much fun spending time with Josiah. I got to read to him bedtime stories. We sang together and even said prayers together. When I put him to bed I crawled into the bed and even fell asleep with him for a bit. The next morning he wanted snowman pancakes again. I even put chocolate chips for the eyes, nose, mouth, and buttons. They were also covered in snow, or powdered sugar for those lame people that don't know what snow is!

Christmas Eve was filled with so much love and memories. Jamie came down to spend Christmas with me for the first time since we started dating over 2 years ago. When he arrived my family was gathered making enchiladas in the dutch oven. After we ate dinner we had our family Nativity. Let me add here that I have NEVER invited anyone to my family Christmas nativity. Jamie had never done anything like this before and was still willing to be a wise man. I played an angel with my 2 oldest nieces and had fun. My mom then read us a story about believing in Santa and how Santa is like Jesus. We ate cobbler for dessert! YUMMM!!!

Later Jamie and I got to play Santa's helpers as we put together a red wagon for my parents. Then we had to walk up to my sister's house because we needed to deliver a special present to my parents. Us siblings chipped in and made my parents a picnic table. We put our hand prints on it with our names. I had put my hands in the shape of a heart because Family= LOVE! Elizabeth (my sister), Andrew (my brother in law), Shane (my other brother in law), Jamie and I all helped to move the picnic table into my parents front yard. We had to be very quiet and the dogs were going crazy! How we never got caught I don't actually know!

Christmas morning was my parents, Jamie and I. We shared gifts, laughed, oh'ed and awed over presents and then ate HOMEMADE cinnamon rolls. Jamie got my sweats, a sweater, and a gift card all from V.S. He also got me a new toothbrush! My parents got me the angel that now completes my own nativity set that my mom got me for my birthday and Christmas. I also got a lace skirt from my parents and a picture that is a quote about being a princess from my dad. My brother got my a waffle maker.

All the gifts were good, but the best gift that I got this Christmas was... Spending time with almost everyone I love in one place at one time. I cried (because I'm a baby) to have everyone together because it's been such an emotional year that having everyone together is just what I needed to end the year off right.

Jamie had to leave earlier than expected because his daughter was sick so she was dropped back off at his house. He didn't want her to be alone on Christmas so he hurried home. I cried for a long, long time when he left. I was pissed. I was really upset, but that's a whole different story.... He felt really bad for having to leave, but he needed to be there for his daughter.

Later during family dinner my sisters went on and on about how amazing his and what I great guy I have. DUH PEOPLE!!!! I've been trying to tell you that for like 2 years now!

Monday I had lunch with my best friend from high school! It was so much fun to just talk like old times and just be around someone my age that totally gets me and laughs about all the same stupid stuff that I do. We gossiped like any girl would do and laughed so loud people were probably annoyed.

Tuesday afternoon when it was time for me to go home my grandpa brought over a late birthday present which was a frame for a painting I had made a few years back. The frame was PERFECT for the painting and I can not wait to hang it up! As I came to my sister's house to tell her goodbye Josiah crawled up on my lap and took a blanket and cuddled with me. I love him! Sadly they are moving to Utah this coming week and I am really sad although I have already promised them that I am coming and will be making a snowman with them as requested by Avery and Josiah!

I loved being home! I seriously have so much more appreciation for the small things in my life now. I guess a cancer scare can do that too you. Yup I just used the "c" word!!! I am so ready for this all to be a thing of the past, but until then I will continue to push through all this and become the best I can.

Thank you to God for an amazing Christmas in the arms of the ones I love!

Word.

2011-12-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today I went to my normal doctor to talk to him about my results. He said that the biopsies showed CIN 2 and CIN 3. To save me from repeating myself please read this to help you remember.

Here are my worries and concerns...

So in the 2 months it took to do the leep did the cells grow?

Or maybe they just didn't get a big enough piece to see a big picture of what was going on the first time?

If there are cells left over what is going to happen?

What if they grow fast?

I realize they are monitoring me very very closely, but still it's SCARY business.

On a positive note... My doctor is EPIC!!!! Right before my Leep procedure he was in Nepal with a bunch of other medical people teaching the doctors there how to do simple procedures and surgeries. What an awesome doctor! Seriously! This guy does these trips once a year to different countries. This amazing person is working on MY case to keep my healthy! I am blessed! GOD IS GOOD!

Another positive thing... I am done with my Christmas shopping. I am VERY excited to have Jamie coming home for Christmas with me. He is in for a BIG treat. He has no idea what goes down in my family when it comes to Christmas. This year I have a full dozen neices and nephews and it's going to be crazy fun! He claims to not like big families, but seems to love my family! Good news... My family is VERY excited to have him come. I went out and bought him stuff so he could have gifts to unwrap. I love him! This will be a Christmas to remember FOREVER!

Vacation

2011-12-18T01:52:00.000-08:00

I'm back from vacation!

I had a lot of fun and made some cool memories! I went to places I had never gone to the last time. We went to North Shore and saw HUGE waves. We went to the West side and watched the sun set. We hiked to a water fall. We hiked to the top of a volcano. We went paddle boarding on the East coast. We went snorkeling. I had so much fun.

One night I walked down to the beach and called Jamie. It was so weird to not have him there with me. I missed him like CRAZY! On my birthday he arranged to have flowers sent to my room. What an amazing boyfriend I have.

There is so much I want to say right now, but don't have the words to say what I want too.

Jamie is coming home with me for Christmas. I could not be more excited.

I will be going to meet his mother for the first time in January and am nervous and excited.

Ugh.

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. SERIOUSLY!

I have so much on my mind. It's a crazy place in there.

Anyways. I'm back. I had fun. I'm happy to be back though. I'm even more excited to be home for Christmas. We are even having family pictures taken before Christmas. I better pick out something cute to wear! We are gonna wear blue and yellow. I love my family. I wonder if they will let Roxy be in the pictures <3

I have laundry to do. Maybe I will get my crazy mind sorted out and I'll let you know what's going on in there!

Eh...

2011-12-07T01:52:00.001-08:00

Yesterday the doctor's office called with my results. The previous few nights I had been sleeping terribly and so I ended up waking up earlier on Monday than I had expected. I saw that I had a message from the doctor's office and my heart started to race and my hands became shaky.

I called them back.

"The margins are positive. However the endocervical canal is negative so that is good. The doctor would like to see you in March for another colposcopy, but we don't have the schedule that far so can you call back in January?" "Oh you have an appointment in January well you can make the appointment then."

*click*

Wait. What just happened. She sounded happy on the phone. But is this good or bad. I don't even know what to think.

*Breathe*

Okay so the margins are positive... that means that there are still bad cells left in there. They are high grade dysplasia and can grow faster than low grade dysplasia.

However... when they took out the bad cell pieces they burnt the area to make it stop bleeding. They are hoping that when they burnt the areas that the bad cells died. There is no way to check that until March when they redo the biopsies. They have to wait until then because my business needs time to heal. Also if they do it to soon it could result in a false positive or false negative.

The endocervical canal is negative. That is GOOD! That means the bad cells have not started growing up into my uterus.

I made the rounds calling and texting people to let them know.

Jamie and I went and got my emissions tested and oil changed. Then we attempted to go play tennis however in this HUGE city I live in there is no where with lights to play that you don't have to pay for. I was devastated. We decided to put up the tree.

There was one more person I needed to call and that was my dad. When I called I let him know and he just kept saying how sorry he was that I have to go through this. I was choking back the tears, but it's my daddy and all my walls broke down. I told him how disappointed I was. How scared and devastated I am. I could hear him getting choked up and quickly changed the subject to I was coming home for Christmas. I told him he could call my grandparents and let them know or I would tell them when I came down for Christmas. He said he would be calling them right now. I got off the phone and cried.

Yeah what I'm going through sucks. Just flat out sucks. I was so ready to move on. To never worry about this again. To move forward and passed all this. But here I am, pushing through the tears, building up a wall so know one knows and praying for strength to keep pushing.

We put up the Christmas tree. I cried a lot. Sara put up most of the decorations. Jamie's house looks like a Christmas explosion.

I must say that I really would rather go home and be with my family this week then go to Hawaii. I really just want to be with the ones I love and hold them close.

No I'm not flipping DYING, but it's still not easy news or an easy thing to do alone. Thank goodness I'm not alone and have a lot of people who are cheering me on!

Heaven's Touch

2011-12-04T19:15:00.001-08:00

This morning I went over to Jamie's house after work. I walked in and noticed first thing that there was candles lit. As I continued to walk in there was Christmas music playing. Jamie came peeking around the corner and I gave him a HUGE hug! While in the embrace he began to dance with me.

As we were dancing my favorite Christmas song came on and I began to cry. I was crying because this was the sweetest thing EVER and no one had ever done anything like this before. I also started crying because all my walls were breaking down and I had to acknowledge all my fears that I have been hiding about my sickness.

I was listening to the words of this song I started crying harder...

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy

Breath of Heaven

("Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant)

This song became my own person prayer. I was crying and singing all at the same time and it was a hot mess! Jamie just held me in a tight embrace until I gained my composer back and the next song came on where he sang to me and we laughed together.

What a special moment we shared together. It was a simple thing he did that made my day so much better. I must say I do love him.

As for my "prayer" to heaven, I really felt strengthened after breaking down those walls and admitting that I'm struggling. It was a moment where I realized Mary, although chosen for this large task, was scared, worried, alone, weak and struggling. If the mother of my Savior can have moments of weakness then I believe it is okay for me to have those moments too. She was a real women and had feelings just like me. Obviously our situations are a lot-a bit different, but she felt those feelings and that is a great strength to me.

That moment gave me a little glimpe of Heaven's touch on my life.

Taking it Easy

2011-11-29T08:53:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was THE day. I had my LEEP. I'm so glad I chose to be put to sleep during the procedure because there was just no way I could handle being awake for that.

When I was waking up from the procedure I of course started to cry. For some reason that is my reaction to the medicine that puts me to sleep. They tried to stand me up, but I almost fell. So then I had to get myself together so I could stand up and walk into the next room. My mom was in the next room waiting for me. I was still pretty out of it trying to talk to my mom and ask her what time it was. I was glad it was over and soon was hungry.

After my mom took me to Dairy Queen to get a cheeseburger and ice cream OF COURSE!!!! We then came to my house and just hung out.

Jamie came over later to check on me to make sure I was doing well. He is so sweet. He gave me the biggest hug ever and just was so happy to see me.

This morning I woke up earlier than normal, probably because my sleep schedule is messed up, but Jamie also came over this morning to see how I was before he headed off to bed.

Later today my mom and I are planning on going shopping for Christmas presents.

I'm feeling really good. I'm cramping and spotting, but I've been through a lot and I can totally handle this! I'm really trying to take it easy and keep myself from doing anything too crazy.

Although... In a little over a week I will be headed off to Hawaii for a lot of fun!!!!

Giving Thanks

2011-11-24T23:13:00.001-08:00

Today was a great day. I spent Wednesday night working so I knew my time would be limited on Thursday before I had to return again to work. Wednesday evening my brother that is just older than me text me and asked if I would be coming to play football for the annual family football game. I explained to him no that I would be working and so I wouldn't be able to come. He then asked where I would be eating turkey at. I told him that I had no plans because I was working and Jamie doesn't really do anything special for Thanksgiving. He told me that they would be coming to his in laws house and invited me to come eat at their house for dinner. I was thrilled!

I know my brother and I aren't that close, I could tell you thousands of stories about that, but he really cares about me and it's really the little things like this that matter in life ♥

After I ate I got to hold their baby and bounce her to sleep. Another moment that matters most in life ♥

I called my mom and we talked for the longest time about nonsense really. She cracks me up! A moment that matter most ♥

I went to Jamie's before work. Jamie and Sara were sitting in the living room watching a movie. I laid down my head on his lap and just took in the moment. It was a beautiful moment ♥

Now I'm at work surrounded by my work family and just having a good night. Yeah sure we are busy, but we are managing to make it a good night regardless of the patients that keep coming in.

Thanksgiving turned out nothing like I expected in my mind, but that just goes to show that our plans aren't always the ones that matter most.

Mostly today I'm thankful to be alive. I thankful for the body that I have and that I get to live here, now and I get to see all these little moments in life that mean the most to me. I'm thankful to have a body to rock these trials with class and elegance. Being alive is pretty much AWESOME!

EPIC!!!

2011-11-20T00:56:00.001-08:00

Saturday morning when I got off work I was getting gas and realized I missed a call. It was my older brother Ren. I checked my vm and he asked if I wanted to go to the ASU vs UA football game. I immediately called him back and went CRAZY!!!! Of course I wanted to go, but I had to work. I told him I would try to find someone to cover for me and I would let him know.

I frantically called my work to get numbers of people that could cover a few hours for me so I could at least go to half of the game if not all. I text everyone and their brother to see if they would work. Just as I was getting into bed a girl text back and said she would work for me until 11. That gave me a few hours to be at the game.

I honestly was so excited I couldn't even sleep. I have never been to an ASU game before. I have never even been to a real stadium to watch football before. This was going to be AWESOME!!!!!

I met my brother and we went to the game. We had great seats in the bottom section near the 50 yard line. We were close to the student section so we didn't look stupid cheering. We stood most of the game because it was so exciting and fun. There was a guy behind me who kept saying the strangest things. At one point I threw my hands in the air and I hit him. I turned around and apologized. He told me it was okay because I was a sun devil fan and I could do anything I want.

After the first quarter an older gentleman and his wife came in. They sat below us to the left. The old man was cursing and screaming at the team. I was laughing so hard. Then he was convinced there was a riot when he first walked in.

There were these younger boys standing in from of me. One was so short he couldn't see over all the people standing up. I felt so bad for him and was very concerned about the fact that he couldn't see. At some point he decided to stand on the bleacher so he could see. That was smart!

We stayed and watched half time and most of the 3rd quarter. It was so awesome to be there! I wish we could have stayed the whole time, but I have to make money somehow. After we left we ran to the car and listened to the rest on the radio on the way back to work. Sadly in the end ASU lost. MAJOR BUMMER!!!!

The good news... I crossed something off my bucket list! <3

EPIC NIGHT!

PS I'll post pictures as soon as I get them from my brother.

A Note

2011-11-16T23:25:00.000-08:00

Having the last 6 days off have been great I must say. I did have to go into work one morning to "update" my skills, but that was no biggee.

I have been sick 5 out of 6 days. Why do I work with a bunch of sick kids who sneeze, cough, hold my hand, and hug me. Oh because they are so DARN cute! I love those kids. Although they will probably never remember me again it's nice to be around those loving kids.

Today is kind of a bad day. *graphic details ahead* So as it goes women switch every month from which side the ovulate from and so on and so forth. When it comes to my right side it is brutal! Then when I'm supposed to have my period it is another round of uncomfortable pain and such. Last time i ended up in the ER from so much pain. Since I'm currently not able to move very well I'm sitting on the couch watching "The Notebook" which I will probably end up crying by the end. What I don't understand is why I can still be in so much pain, but I don't have periods because I'm on continuous birth control. I don't get it! I honestly have not had a period since my surgery because I am too scared to find out what will happen if I do.

I spent my days off working out at the gym which was a nice time. I really do like to go to the gym and burn off some of those extra calories. It makes me feel good about myself. Like I'm in control and I am doing something for me. I am always searching to be in control which lately I'm not in control of much.

I also spent hours upon hours cleaning. Jamie's house to be exact. I think it's all the medicine went to my head and made me a little crazy. I seriously deep cleaned 2 bathrooms and the kitchen.

What I seriously want right now is some cookie dough ice cream. If that could magically appear in my hand right now, THAT would be GREAT. I keep trying to tell Jamie to bring me some... He keeps saying he is looking for bad guys. PSH! like THAT is important or something!

Trying to Find the Blessing

2011-11-14T22:35:00.001-08:00

Trying to find a blessing in a trial, or in my case it feels like multiple trials, is like trying to find that last Easter egg that no one can remember where it's hidden, but we just know it's out there somewhere.

I know that there are blessings out there, but it's hard to locate them.

I had planned to turn in my nursing paper work for today, November 14. Last week when I was going through my last checks on my paperwork, I realized I was a week behind and that the paperwork was actually due in the morning. I happened to be at work and was extremely stressed about the fact that I still had an entrance exam to take which need to be done after work and I had to be back later that night for another shift. I went home, showered, and took my 3 hour long test. I totally aced it!!! I was so excited because now I was on my way to FREEDOM! I had to speak with a nursing counselor type person to make sure all my paperwork was in check. As she was going through it she informed me I had the wrong fingerprint card so I would not be allowed to turn in my paper work at that time. I swallowed hard. Said, "What do I need to do?" She explained I would need to be re fingerprinted and get a new card and it would be 65 dollars. I choked on my pride and maybe a few tears and simply replied, "Thank you." She was shocked. She said, "You are taking it quite well, I've seen many tears in that chair." I said, "It's all in God's hands." She muttered something that I don't remember and I left. I got in my car and drove home. I was completely deflated. My dreams had once again escaped my reach and I was left in the same place, doing the same things, with not even a glimmer of hope. I had been texting my mom all day updating her on the status. She was bummed out and said something along the lines of it's going to be okay and something good will happen.

Okay let's have a get real moment right now... Every single time this year I have gotten my hopes up about something good happening or it not being as bad as it seems, it ALWAYS comes back to bite me right in that big place called my BUM-BUM!!!!!! I was really hoping and praying that January would be the start of something new and fresh. That I would be doing something and moving forward.

Every time this year I have had something bad happen and I have hoped for something good it's been bad...

February 2011- I think I'm having surgery to have scar tissue removed. Nope. I have endometriosis.

July 2011- I think I'm having anxiety. Nope. I have a heart murmur and an arrhythmia.

September 2011- I think I have pain from a cyst. Jamie says I haven't had a pap in awhile. I think everything will be fine. Abnormal pap.

October 2011- I think the bad pap is just nothing big. Wrong. Precancer.

I can list at least 5 people just off the top of my head who have had this cervical crap and have ended up fine, but forgive me for being worried about my fate. Some may say so what you're just at a 2 you will be fine. Well how am I too be sure of that. The other cells died before they could do the biopsy. Is that good or bad? I don't even know. I'm having this serious procedure done that is used to get rid of cancer. Yes, I'm not the only one to ever go through this, but it's been a crazy year health wise and honestly I don't know what to expect anymore. I'm trying to stay positive and pray that it hasn't spread, but then something happens like I start spotting and completely lose my marbles all over again. (Abnormal spotting is never a good sign when it comes to cervical cancer.)

To be honest I wonder if I didn't get into the nursing program because something bad is going to happen. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's hard to be positive and happy all the time. I'm looking for the blessing that is hiding somewhere through out all this.

My dad told me that there is obviously something I need to learn and my family as well needs to learn from all of this.

I wish I could say I'm so sick of learning, but I'm not. I haven't given up. Nor will I ever. I am a survivor, a fighter (maybe a scrapper), and STUBBORN!

One blessing that happened today to remind me that God is GREAT... Jamie has been trying for over a year to get to be a motor officer. After being passed over multiple times for bogus reasons, he had almost given up on his dream. Today we got the call that they chose him to join the motor officer team. I could not be more proud of him. He of course is more nervous than ever, but I know that he will pass motor school and be AMAZING at it. I jumped around like a 5 year old on Christmas once I realized what was going on. I would have screamed, but he was on the phone and we were at the gym. Although I'm nervous about him being out there on a motorcycle all the time, I'm so excited and proud. I know that it was all in God's good time. I even told him this last time he went to his interview that if he didn't get the job it was God's way of saying he has other plans for you. I can't believe that it happened and he will be living out his dreams. He truly deserves it and I'm grateful to God that He allowed Jamie to have this opportunity.

I don't know what God has in store for me, but I sure hope it's great. I know the blessings will come in His good time. I will keep searching each day for the smallest of blessings to help remind me that I am alive and blessed.

God Gave Me You

2011-11-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

When I first heard this song I immediately thought of Jamie. He has been such a strength to me in my MANY hours of weakness. He has been there through so many tears and heart ache. I know that God gave me Jamie to be strength and to be my rock. He has been the strong one and has worked really hard to keep me positive.

I realized this song applies to a lot more people than just Jamie.

My parentals have been sent to me for SOOOO many reasons! My mom has been to so many doctors appointments and spent so many hours in the car just to spend maybe 2 hours with me. She has literally held my hand through so many scary appointments. I honestly don't know what I would do with out her in my life. She sends me sweet treats just to let me know that she is thinking about me and that she loves me. My Dad has been there to ask me all the hard questions. He knows me so well and knows when I'm hiding my true feelings. He has been there for me to have serious chats with and to laugh with. He lets me know I'm his princess and no matter what happens he will be there for me.

My sisters have been there for me to talk to at various times during the day. I can text my oldest sister any time during the day and she just chats with me and keeps me sane. My other sister is there to chat with and give me her perspective as an ob nurse. She has had so many good insights and has kept me from doing anything drastic with my health.

My grandparents have been so kind to me. I sat down with them and they were so worried about me. I could see how much they care for me. My grandparents shared so many positive stories and how much they love me. I'm so blessed to have them praying for me and caring so much about me.

There has been so many others in my life that have meant a lot to me. My long time best friend Randa. She makes me laugh no matter what is going on in my life! Emily who just randomly sends me cute messages so I know I'm loved and she is thinking of me. There are so many other people I can't even name them all. For all of you have leant a helping hand and extended out arms to hug me (even from a far distance) I will forever be thankful.

I know with out a doubt that God puts people in our life for a reason. It is up to us to figure out that reason. Sometimes we are to learn and grow from them. Sometimes we are to let them help us even though we are too stubborn sometimes to except it.

This has been the HARDEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!! AND.... it's not over yet.

Thank you all for your love and support through this!

PS. You can find the original, beautiful video here.

A Bit of Good News

2011-10-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

Friday I went my regular doctor. He got all my records from my GYN and so we were able to go over my biopsies. I'm so lucky to be in the care of some amazing doctors who really take the time to talk to me.

Lab results showed... High grade squamous intraepithelial lesion, cervical intraepithelial neoplasia level 2. Now let me explain what all this nonsense means. When a women gets a pap there are cells that they look at. Dysplasia is the term used when the cells are abnormal. So the levels are this...

*Normal pap
*ASCUS- Atypical cells of undermined significance- the most common abnormality. Usually caused by an infection but return to normal.
*LGSIL- Low grade squamous intraepithelial lesion- body takes care of abnormal cells usually within less than 2 years. These are early changes in the cell's shape and size.
*HGSIL-High grade squamous intraepithelial lesion- very different from the normal cells. Precancerous, more likely to lead to cervical cancer.
Under HGSIL comes 3 sub-levels. These levels are called CIN. CIN- Cervical intraepithelial neoplasia dysplasia seen on biopsies.
-CIN 1- mild dysplasia- The body can still take care of this stage, but has to be monitored closely.
-CIN 2- Moderate to marked dysplasia-
-CIN 3- severe dysplasia to carcinoma-
Both CIN 2 and CIN 3 are considered closely the same. The bad cells must be taken out.
*Cancer

I hope this makes some sense. It makes sense to me now.

I got the pass to go to nursing school!!!! That is probably the most scary and exciting thing that I'm doing for myself right now. I can't believe that I'm going to do this. I sure hope I'm smart enough to do this. The doctor told me that he knows that since I'm making it through all this I am capable of making it through nursing school.

It feels so right that I'm doing this. It feels like the right time in my life. I just have one more thing to pass and then turn in my paper work! I'm so excited!

Just to clarify... I'm actually doing the LPN program then LPN to RN so I don't have to wait anymore.

Rupunzel, Rupunzel let down your hair!

2011-10-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

I should be sleeping because I have a work meeting tomorrow and a lot of other ish going on tomorrow, but here I am. Awake. Watching Tangled. I'm like 5 right now! I actually like this movie. It is rather CUTE!!! I still can't believe I'm watching this right now!

I wish I knew a Rupunzel that could heal me with her hair!

I didn't go to Vegas with some of the girls from work. I'm rather bummed about it, but it was going to be more money than I have and it was going to be a long drive by myself. I didn't want to spend money to be alone in my car. I can do that any time I want.

Jamie is taking me to Sedona this weekend for some mental and emotional healing. I am excited to hike and see Sedona for the first time.

On Friday I'm going to see my normal doctor to get my referral for my procedure and to get my okay to go to nursing school. I'm pretty nervous about all this. I mean seriously right now! AH! I also should have my recent stuff available to talk to my doctor about. I don't really know what to even think right now. I can't wait to talk about all my results more in depth. Mostly I can't wait for that go ahead to start nursing school!

I'm ready to move forward. I have a TON to do in the next few weeks to make sure I'm ready for school.

Strange Sleep

2011-10-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

The last week since I've worked has been so weird. Usually I have no problems switching back to nights after going to see my family, but I have had some issues this time.

Sunday when I got home from my parents I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 3am. I went to church and went into work to help out. I then fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 3am again.

Monday, after waking up at 3, I fell back asleep at 11am and slept til 6pm. I then fell asleep AGAIN at midnight to noon on Tuesday.

Tuesday, it's noon, I wake up and fiddle around and do my usual stuff. I make it til 3am where I nap until 5am.

Wednesday I sleep like my night shift usual! YAY! I slept all day. I got up and went to the gym only to fall asleep around 10 and woke up at 5 this morning.

Here it is Thursday morning. I have to work tonight. I really need to sleep during the day today, but I've already slept all night (mostly.)

In other news... Jamie and I just booked tickets to go see his mom in Texas for his birthday!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm so excited and nervous and about 50 other things! I can't believe this! I hope is mom is accepting of this crazy American girl ♥

Pre C

2011-10-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

Thursday I was working an overtime shift partially during the day. On my way to work I saw that the Dr. had called. I called them back as I was driving. I asked to speak with the nurse that had called me. She got on the phone and said, "We got your results back. You have high risk cervical dysplasia. We need to have another procedure done to remove that."

I shut down. I stopped listening. All I could think of was MOTHER EFFFFFFFFF!!!! I knew right away the seriousness of what was going on. Precancerous cells growing inside of me with a high risk of evolving into... Cancer.

I remember her saying something about it needs to be done no later than 2-3 months. You have the option of being completely sedated or just having a local. I chose to be completely sedated. She said they would call me tomorrow and set up the appointment.

I'm pretty sure she said more, but I honestly can remember much. I don't remember getting off the freeway. I don't know how I didn't wreck.

I called Jamie because he had called while I was getting ready to call the dr's office back. I couldn't breathe. I was scared. He told me he would be there for me and I will get through this.

Next I called my mom, but she didn't have her phone. I called my dad and told him. I cried. I called my mom a little bit later because my dad had gotten a hold of her.

I went into work.

Numb.

Alone.

What do I even do next?

What happens from here?

Friday I scheduled my appointment for my procedure. It's called a LEEP procedure. (Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure) It's scheduled for November because the guy in charge of putting me to sleep is out of the country on a medical mission. Nice of him to just up and leave!

Like I said I chose to be sedated. Let me explain why. Although this procedure doesn't take long it is quite scary for me. I work in the lovely medical field where I will know if something goes wrong by a simple voice change. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to smell anything (they have to cauterize to stop the bleeding.) I just don't want to know what's going on until it's over. Some might think this is a little over the top, but I think it's perfect for me and that's all that matters.

I'm so over this year.

I'm so ready to be done with seeing my doctor on a monthly basis. Really!

I am going to stop by later today in hopes of getting my results so when I go to my regular dr she can talk to me about the results more in depth. I have to go to the regular dr anyways to get clearance to have the procedure done.

Friday night and Saturday were spent in P*town with Jamie and my family. It was so nice to talk to my grandparents and know of their support and love for me. It was such a blessing to have most of my family gather around. I did miss my oldest sister and her family, but I'm sure I will see them next time.

I'm trying not to take things for granted anymore. Not that I think I'm going to die, but more because I lucky. I know that it isn't my time to go no matter what comes of this. I know that I'm here for a reason. I also know that there is some reason I am going through this.

This whole year has been an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready to get off before I puke!

I'm praying my Pre C doesn't turn into the Big C.

If that's God's will, then I'll kick it's butt!

????

2011-10-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been waiting for eternity to get here as I wait for my test results. My father put things into perspective by saying that right now I just have a HUGE ? on my health.

That's just so true.

There are times I feel so crazy. There are times when I down play others pain because it couldn't possibly be worse than mine. There are times when I just want to yell at people because they think their life is so easy because they are worrying about what shoes to wear with their brand new dress. There are sometimes when I hear people complain about money, their living situation, or basically anything I just want to tell them to shove it because they could have it so much worse.

This all probably makes me a terrible person.

However, I am aware of my feelings and have been trying to work on them. Yes, my life is NOT TERRIBLE. It's not even mostly bad. True we all have our own trials and what is hard for one person is easy for another. I'm not bloody stupid. I'm actually quite smart beyond my years. I just get so frustrated because I can't seem to find answers and I have been dealing with this for quite some time. And just like I downplay other's pain, they in return do the same for me. "Oh it's not that bad." "Just take some meds and you will be fine." "You look healthy."

Really it's worse than just bad. I take the medicine I can, but I do need to be functional and be able to work. The medicine doesn't even work just FYI! I look healthy because on the outside I'm 22 on the inside I'm 72. My insides tell me I'm old. Maybe my "old soul" has taken over my body.

Things that give me hope:

Alma 11:44 Now, this restoration shall come to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, both the wicked and the righteous; and even there shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost; but every thing shall be ^arestored to its perfect frame, as it is now, or in the body, and shall be brought and be arraigned before the bar of Christ the Son, and God the ^bFather, and the Holy Spirit, which is ^cone Eternal God, to be ^djudged according to their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil.

I know the pain will go away, at some point, and never come back.

I know that at some point my life there will be more light than darkness.

I know that at some point this will all be a thing of the past.

This has indeed been the hardest year of my life so far.

Who knows what is next to come?

??????????

Positive

2011-10-10T02:47:00.000-07:00

I'm trying my hardest to remain positive as I wait for my results. It wasn't for sure going into the doctor's on Wednesday if I would for sure need a biopsy. I was hoping deep down that I wouldn't and that after he looked it would be clear and free of any abnormal cells. Unfortunatly, that was not the case. I had two places that had abnormal cells. He took biopsies from both of them. The first one I couldn't feel much, but the second I could. He then did another swab thingy to check where he couldn't see. I held back my tears when he said there was not one but 2 spots and they would need to be tested. Lucky for me my mom was there to hold my hand every step of the way. She even was reminding me to breath!

I thought the hard part was over until I soon realized I have to now wait for the results. That for me is the hardest part. Everyone keeps saying I will be fine and I'm trying to stay positive and believe that, but let's just be real right now... this situation, no matter the outcome, sucks. Like I have said a BAGILLION (that's a word) times before... Physically I can take on anything and I will make it through, but the emotional side of me will and has taken a beating. I should be finding the results out hopefully this week. I want it to be Monday (today), but I don't know if it will happen.

My pain has been really bad since the tests and such. Not only my endo pain, but also the pain and cramping coming from the biopsy sites. Last night was horrible and today I'm having the aftermath of a bad night. I know at some point everything will get better. Not today, this month, or maybe even this year, but at some point my pain WILL go away for good!

I managed to make it through my class yesterday with out dying or falling asleep. I learned more in that class than I thought I would. It mostly talked about babies dying in utero or shortly after. We don't see much of that in the pediatric er because if they are pregnant they are sent to adult er. However we do deal with death and so I can apply the things I learned to any death and my friends and family who have to suffer through this terrible trial. The teacher said something that really just made sense to me. She said, "It doesn't matter how far along she is when it happens, but the attachment she has to the child." I don't know why I have never thought of that before. It's so true. It's a beautiful truth. I learned that it was okay if the family sees you crying because that shows them you are human. In labor and delivery when there is a baby that dies in utero they take pics of the baby. It seems like such a nice gesture and very kind, but I'm still unsure whether I can fulfil that duty. I guess it's something I will have to work on if I get the opportunity to do so. We also learned that in Arizona we have very loose laws for when there is a death. Families can take the baby home and bury it on their own with a permit. This was quite a shock to me because down here when we have a death 9 times out of 10 they are a medical examiner case and so that is not even an option for us.

This week has been a very interesting one to say the least and I will keep praying for a good outcome. I know that it's all in the Lord's hands and he will never give me more than I can handle. I am ready for whatever happens and know that I am a strong woman. In the ER we have a saying... Plan for the worst... Hope for the best. I've got that down pretty much to a T.

Don't Judge

2011-10-05T01:23:00.000-07:00

To some people they can't quite understand why I lately I have been a little more grumpy or mean.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have a disease that is currently a MAJOR part of my life. I have more pain than you can ever imagine, yet here I am functioning because I have too. Here I am working like a normal human, not because I feel up to it, but because if I don't I won't have enough money to pay my bills and I'll lose my insurance, which is a HUGE deal to me right now. I don't have control over my pain. For the past year the pain has controlled my life. It gets to dictate what I do and do not do.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have a serious test coming up tomorrow that has me scared out of my MIND! I would love to say that it will be fine, but last time I thought everything was going to be fine I woke up with a disease that has yet to stop hurting me.

Hi my name is Stephanie. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years and yes it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, but dang it he has been by my side through all of this. NOT YOU! He has been my greatest strength and weakness. I do realize my mom has been there too. I'm not discrediting my mother in any way, shape, or form, or my family for that matter. However there are people out there in my life that are still confused as to why I am in my current situation. Well it's hard to be alone when you feel like everything is failing in your life.

I don't expect everyone to understand my life, but I do expect people to not judge me as I work through MY life. I don't expect people to pity me, but I do expect people to give me a little consideration. I'm not asking much here. I emotionally am at my breaking point with everything and everyone right now. I honestly am emotionally drained. You have not walked one step in my shoes. Not one. You don't know what is going on. I can almost promise y'all that if you had to deal with the pain I deal with you too would be upset and angry.

I feel guilty that my mom drives up here and goes to my appointments, but honestly I'm so thankful she does.
I feel bad that Jamie has to deal with a broken girlfriend.
I feel like a weight on every one's shoulders. (and by everyone I mean my family and Jamie)
I feel like Jamie deserves to have someone that is healthy.
I feel like my mom deserves to have a healthy daughter so she doesn't always have to worry about me.
I feel like I have no control over my life.
I feel like I have lost my beauty of being a woman.

Last week I was so upset with things going on I spent almost an entire time at the gym hitting the punching bag so hard that my hands were bleeding. No lies. Blood!

Now listen if you are in some way offended by this, that was not my intent, but if you are that just means that you are not innocent and maybe you are one of the people I am talking about. Guilty conscious much?

Looking Forward

2011-09-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

There are a few things coming up in my life I'm SERIOUSLY looking forward too (and a few I'm not)

-Next Wednesday Biopsies (Don't worry I'm sure it's nothing. Everything else is negative for a source so I'm sure this will be too.)

-Next Thursday I'm taking a class at work for babies that die in the uterus or shortly after. I'm really excited to expand my knowledge of helping others.

-Late October I'm going with my girl coworkers to Vegas. It will be interesting since I'm not into the Vegas scene. (Free hotel though!)

-November is not too special since I will be working through Thanksgiving. BOO!

-December I will be going to HAWAII for my birthday! I couldn't be more excited to spend my special day on the beach! It is going to be AWESOME to be surfing the waves is Hawaii's beautiful ocean.

I'm hoping to get into the LPN program in January. I have been filling out my paperwork all night and saying a lot of prayers! I turn in my paper work in November. I still have to retake a test from a few years ago so I can get into the program. I'm a little (a lot) nervous about the test because I feel like it's been so long! I will be doing some major studying!

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to show for my age, but then I realize that I have done a lot more than some BORING PEOPLE! Yeah so what, I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't have a college degree, but I do have a great job, a great boyfriend, and I'm traveling a lot.

Life IS good!

Always a Princess

2011-09-25T01:57:00.000-07:00

Friday night I worked until Saturday morning. Saturday morning I still had homework to do. (I am a terrible procrastinator.) So I stayed up late doing homework. I finally got to bed around 11:45. I woke up at 5 to the sweetest text from my father letting me know of his love and support.

Sometimes I feel forgotten about. Sometimes I feel alone, but then my parents do something that always lets me know of their love for me. I get packages from my mom with homemade cookies and a love note. I get random texts from my father letting me know he is thinking of me and he is proud of me. It is always amazing how quickly my day turns around when they let me know of their love. It is the GREATEST feeling in the world.

People may say I'm spoiled, but that's not the case. It's just......

Once a Princess... Always a Princess!

Quick Update

2011-09-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

Friday was the test to see if I have ulcers on my bladder. Well..... It's a negative.

Let us review...

*Endometriosis- Yes I have that.
*PCOS- I don't have a yes or no answer to that because they forgot to tell me to come off the birth control for taking the blood. On ultrasound they said I do have a lot of little cysts on my ovaries.
*Intersticial cystitis- Negative on that
*Abnormal pap results- Yes. Hopefully no cancer cells. I will find out in a few weeks.
*Heart murmur- Small but insignificant
*Heart palpitations- Yes, but I know how to fix it if my heart starts beating too quickly.
*Pain- OH YES I DO!

So what's next? Well in a few weeks I will have a procedure done along with some biopsies. I was told maybe I should see an G.I. (gastrointestinal) doctor to see if that could be causing the pain. I'm undecided about that. Maybe I'm just so caught up about the endo thing that I can't see past it to think of any other body parts being broken.

My 2 cents

2011-09-16T04:56:00.000-07:00

I care about health and truly want people to be healthy and happy with their body. The only "diet" that has with stood the times is simple EXERCISE and HEALTHY EATING! (This isn't a diet, but a way of living!) Our bodies are AMAZING creations. Seriously! They do so much for us every day. They can change what we eat into energy. If we do not use the energy we store it for use later on.

If we go back LESS than a hundred years ago we will see that food was not plentiful. There was no such thing as "Fast Food." People WORKED for every piece of food. They waited for the food to come in season before they could eat it. They WORKED in their fields doing MANUAL labor to be able to have a good harvest. If the harvest was good they ate it and continued to work in their fields for the next harvest. Now let us pretend that they got an early rain storm that flooded their fields and they lost all they had. They would only have a little bit of food to consume and it would have to last them all winter.

At this moment is when the AWESOMENESS of our body comes into play. Our body stores what we don't use just in case there is that flood in our lives when we are no longer able to provide for ourselves. When we have to WORK for our food we lose calories or we use energy. Energy is another word for calorie.

Now in 2011 we do not have to work for our food. No I do not think that makes us lazy. However we are consuming food and we are not using the energy from the food that we consume. We are eating a lot more than using causing us to be overweight. We are saving that food just in case there is a drought or flood or a freeze.

IN ORDER TO LOSE WEIGHT WE MUST be USING more calories than we are taking in. In saying that the way that we USE more than we take in is by EXERCISE! Just get in more activity than you did the day before. It doesn't need to be drastic, but it does need to be more than you are doing NOW! The reason I feel I can talk so bluntly about this situation is because I can learn from this as well. I need to get more exercise as well. I get that. I also get that people reading are probably ticked. Possibly some of my family members. *HI GUYS*

Lowering our intake by by 100-200 calories a day and then burning an extra 200-300 a day will show you weight loss. Sure it's not going to be drastic. It's not going to be 40lbs in 40 days. It's going to be maybe 1-2 lbs a week.

DIETS DO NOT WORK!

LIFESTYLE CHANGES DO!!!!

The USDA came out with the food pyramid a while back. This year they updated it. They updated it to myplate. Why did they update it? Because people did not understand how to read the pyramid. There are 5 food groups. Grains- Over half of your grains need to be whole grains. Yes this means wheat not white!
vegetable- Eat more of a variety. Fruit- They give you natural sugar and are healthy. Calcium- Healthy bones. You never think this is important until they start to fail you. Protein- Your body can not store LEAN protein. Therefore it is a good source of energy.

Why is the HCG diet not healthy? You ARE, in fact, STARVING your body of nutrition. You are not treating your body with enough respect to do what it needs. 500 calories is not enough for anyone. You are putting your body into starvation mode. Yes you will lose weight starving yourself. People that are anorexic do the same thing. They starve themselves. When you decide you have lost the weight you would like to lose, you WILL, in fact, GAIN it ALLLLLL back if not more. Why will this happen? Because you HAVE NOT made ANY lifestyle changes. You are not dieting in a healthy manner so your body will store anything it gets because it will be afraid of going into starvation. You are not doing anything to help get rid of energy or calories. You are still doing nothing. (Once again I need to step up my cardio as well.) If you do not believe me here is a double blind study. (double blind studies are one of the best ways to do studies.) In this study they took 40 obese women. 6 days a week for 6 weeks they either got placebo or HCG. They all went on the restricted diet. The ones that had the HCG had NO advantages over those who just starved themselves.

It's not HEALTHY. It's not safe. It can cause a ton of side effects. HCG can cover up cancer cells and tumors because they way they are tested for those are by testing HCG levels in the body.

I understand being overweight. I understand looking in the mirror and feeling ugly. I had a boyfriend that would grab my ribs, the thinnest part of me, and say look how skinny you COULD be. So what did I do? I stopped eating. Yes I starved myself. I was probably consuming that 500 calories a day. (which is less than half of what I should be consuming) Then I opened up and told my family. I began eating again. I gained it all back, but what changed? Nothing. Then over the next few years I did my research. I studied. I learned. I was able to lose weight in a HEALTHY way. None of this restricting crap. You have to love yourself enough to be healthy and lose weight the right way.

As of today I am sure I need to do more cardio and I could make excuses 'til the cows come home as to why I'm not, but I know that excuses and good intentions pave the way to HELL, or in this case a non healthy body which can be like living hell. (And I would know because my body has it's own issues, but I try my best to be heart healthy)

I believe that everyone CAN be healthy with out going to extremes. Doctors have come out and said how when extremes happen your body can fail because of too much stress. Extremes in any situation. Extreme temperature, hot or cold. Extreme pain. Extreme exhaustion...bla bla bla.

I wonder at this point how many people are still reading. I know this all seems so harsh, but you can be healthy in any situation. You just have to START. Each day you have to ask yourself what is important and if you are willing to really achieve that goal.

There is a website called Shape Up America where it gives some secrets to shaping up. This website is raising awareness about obesity in America and challenging each of us to be healthy and get moving.

When your new lifestyle takes control in your life is when you will see changes. YOU WILL BE HEALTHIER. I can promise you that. I had blood taken at the end of 2010 and when I got my blood levels checked again when I had my heart issues my good cholesterol level was so high the cardiologist was impressed. My triglycerides had gone down to a good level. My heart was healthy even though I didn't physically feel healthy.

Being healthy isn't just a diet. It's a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. That's my 2 cents. I do apologize for offending anyone because this blog was to inform and educate not to make you feel angry or guilty.

Too Much Too Soon

2011-09-13T05:39:00.000-07:00

This is now my THIRD attempt to write this post. I keep starting then I feel like I'm revealing too much. I want to be open and honest with myself on here and with others that read this. I want to be able to share my story in hopes that someone can benefit from it... However, since it is public I do need to keep some things on the D.L. until I am ready to share. I don't know why I need to even say all this. I probably feel a little guilty for hiding things because I've been so open.

I have an appointment on Friday with my Gyn and hope to have more answers for myself as to what is going on down there!!!! I am excited because my mom will be driving up here to be with me so I can have someone. She is such a blessing to me! What an AMAZING women she is. I know watching me go through all this has to be hard on her, but she stands strong and firm in helping me find answers.

I am thankful for your support as I go forward with fighting these rough weeks ahead.

Treading Water

2011-09-09T05:02:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling very positive about my situation lately, but today was not a good day. I feel like I'm living in this nightmare and I simply can NOT wake up. I was doing so well at being positive and accepting the things that have been happening, but I can't handle anything else. In this dream that I'm living I'm the only one that can fight. No one else can fight this for me. Just me.

I took my anger out on my bed. I punched it a few times (by a few I mean a lot.) I went to the gym. Ran and walked. Then I punched the stupid bag until my hands were red and hurt.

Why can't I wake up to my happy life? It's been a year and yet I still can't wake up.

I hope this is fake life. I want this to be fake life. I don't want this to be real.

I do not like it in a house.
I do not like it with a mouse.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like this mess I am.
I do not like it, Sir and Ma'am.

I was talking to Jamie and he said, "We will cross this bridge together."
I was talking to my mom and she said, "Everything will be okay."
I was talking to my sister and she said, "I will imagine you well."
I was talking to myself and I said, "Heavenly Father must think I'm really strong and stubborn to keep giving me these trials."

I know I have a lot of blessings in my life. I know that. And I want to be positive and look at all the blessings, but it's so hard sometimes. I had a glimmer of hope, but that tunnel of hope is now no smaller than this . Yeah, that dot right there. That is the size of my hope. All my hopes and dreams are changing. Now I only hope for a pain free and stress free day. Now I only dream of a day when I can no longer worry about 100 dr appointments and work to pay my bills (barely.)

I was doing pt yesterday and an older lady was talking to another older lady. The first one said to the second, "She looks healthy. She doesn't need to be here." The second said, "She looks healthy, but she could be in a lot of pain." I laughed and said thank you. Because yes, that is exactly it! I look healthy. I am 22. I should be in my prime of life, but instead I'm fighting to tread water. I'm fighting to keep my head up. I'm fighting so hard, but I'm getting tired. I'm getting worn out. I don't know how long I can keep fighting. (Okay, seriously, let's just be real, I'm going to keep fighting. I'm too dang stubborn to give up!!!) However, sometimes I do wish I wasn't so stubborn and could give up.

I need to throw myself into this nutrition class and forget for the next few weeks everything that is going on. I'm sure everyone is sick of me complaining, but I need to vent. I need to tell my story. I need to MAYBE give someone else hope to keep fighting!

-----Good News-----

My brother and sister in law had their baby girl!!!! I love to be an aunt! Best thing EVER!!!! Congratulations to them!

Ish

2011-09-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a Nutrition for Sports and Fitness class. I'm not really sure what I've gotten myself into. I went and rented my book by giving them one arm and leg. I started to read. BORING! Seriously why don't they make books more interesting?!

I went to the gym today knowing fully that I may not make it through my work out because I just had not been feeling well. I should have listened to my body, but it had been so long since I had been there I was craving a good leg work out. I should know better! I know that when I do legs and/or abs I sometimes have flare ups. I also know that I would be starting my period this week but because of my continuous birth control I don't have my period, but I still have everything that comes with it. I was pretty irritated by the fact that everyone was staring at me as I limped around and tried to find a spot to be alone. What a joke! It's a gym, you aren't even in the bathroom alone.

One thing that I have noticed lately is that when I sit directly upright, like sitting in a chair or on the ground, my side becomes a little irritated. It's kind of strange. I'm not really sure why it's like that.

I have been doing some research and I stumbled across a supplement that I would like to talk to my doctor about taking. The main ingredient is Nattokinase along with some strong anti oxidants. The sup is called Fibrovan. If the results are negative from this test next week I am going to talk to him about this. Also I will be REFUSING LUPRON! For those out there who are considering it... do your research. A group of woman is suing the makers of Lupron. I do not want to be involved with that drug or that company. I like looking for more natural ways of healing. I know that may make me sound like a hippie, but SERIOUSLY... IT'S MY BODY! I have to live with this body for ALLLLLLL of my life. If I screw it up by taking stupid drugs like Lupron I will regret it for... FOREVER!

I walked into the grocery store this evening because I wanted potatoes. Any for of potato. What did I come home with? PF Changs take home meals and stuff to make red velvet cupcakes. Why do I always go to the store when my tummy is growling. I know it never ends with just one thing.

I will be going back to work tomorrow. I'm not really sure how I feel about that to be honest. I feel like I need more time off. I'm not ready to be there with people. I'm not ready to go back to the real world where I fake it 'til I make it. Oh well. I guess I have to make money somehow.

Cruise

2011-09-03T23:34:00.000-07:00

What a FABULOUS week it has been. As I sit here at my parents watching football with my brother and Roxy I can't help, but feel so blessed.

On Monday morning Jamie and I flew out to Los Angeles where we caught a shuttle to go get on the boat for our cruise. The ship is of course HUGE and some how still floats on the water. Once we boarded the ship we ate lunch and looked around. We finally were allowed into our rooms so we checked that out and it was pretty small.

Our small room

We unpacked our luggage and hung out for a bit. After we walked around some more. We were up getting something to eat again around 6 when the boat set sail. I am scared of heights so I was really nervous getting close to the edge.

Us as we drifted out to sea!

That night we set up our adventures for the next days and Jamie realized he forgot his swim shorts so we had to buy some new ones. I am obsessed with Roxy and the store on the ship had roxy gear! I tried on all the hats, but I didn't buy a single one!

We went to our first dinner and met our table mates. There was a couple from Scotland, a couple from Australia, a couple from The Philippines, and a couple from Oregon. It was a fun experience getting to know everyone! I loved just listening to them all talk and compare stories about life.

On Tuesday we were in Catalina Island. We did a work out in the boat's gym first thing. That was AWESOME! I watched as people parasailed and went out boating. That afternoon we went to shore where we went snorkeling. We didn't bring our camera because we didn't want it to get stolen or wet. I enjoyed holding Jamie's hand and just floating with the waves. I did get pretty cold because the water is FREEZING. They did give us wet suits. Jamie got a special one because he didn't fit into the other ones. Even the instructor said he could be a wet suit model! DELISH!

Tuesday night we dressed up in nice clothes and had dinner. They whole boat was dressed in nice clothes. It's always nice to get dressed up and go to dinner. My favorite part about dinner every night was that I got a chocolate fudge cake with ice cream! YUMMMM!!!!

Wednesday we arrived in Ensenada, Mexico. First thing in the morning we went kayaking and saw the World's biggest blow hole! It was AWESOME!!!!!! The waves come in and because of the pressure the water shoots up between the rocks over 100 ft in the air!

As Jamie was taking some pictures an animal jumped out of the water and I FREAKED out! Later we saw some seals and I realized the animal I saw was a seal. Because of the kelp that is so dense in that area it's a good habitat for fish which is also great feeding grounds for the seals. It was so cool to be so close to seals in their natural habitat.

After the kayaking we went to the ship, got cleaned up, and went back out shopping. We ate at a great little taco place and enjoyed the environment and weather! I bought some natural vanilla for my mom and I and a shirt. Jamie bought some things for him and Sara. As we were walking back to the ship there was a young boy around 7 that was trying to get us to buy bracelets. His younger brother maybe was 3 was walking around with just a cup. It was a reality check for sure.

Once we got back on the boat Jamie went to the gym while I napped because I had pushed myself too hard and my body was PISSED at me. So I napped.

At dinner our table mates bought us presents from Mexico which included a flute. We did a little train line and I played my flute the whole way around the dining room. It was fun to just make fools of ourselves!

Thursday we spent all day at sea. Mostly it was for those people who drink, smoke, and gamble. Since we don't do any of those things we laid out and caught some sun rays! As we laid out we saw dolphins off in the distance. How beautiful! How amazing!!!! After lunch we went back and laid out some more! Later we went to the gym again and being able to see the ocean made working out not so boring. The ocean is so relaxing! We decided that it would be fun to watch the sun set. So that's exactly what we did!

Us watching the sun set!

Friday we left the ship and flew back to Arizona. I decided later that night to come and see my family. So that's what I did!

Saturday morning I played football with my family and I had a blast.

Here I sit with Roxy next to me feeling so blessed.

I AM BLESSED!!!!

I am thankful for Jamie and his love and devotion to me. I'm thankful for his strength that keeps me fighting. I'm thankful for my family and their love for me! I'm am blessed to have such amazing people in my life!

These are the memories that will never fade! ♥

Next Step

2011-08-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

I went to my Gyn today... Dr. M. I LOVE him. I more than love him. He is such an amazing doctor. I mostly like him because I feel like he listens to all my concerns and let's face it... I have a lot. Jamie was so sweet and met me up at the office. He kept me laughing so I wouldn't be nervous. There were a strange mix of people that came through the office. A lot of pregnant people. It's always awkward to be surrounded with pregnant people.

Dr. M came in and we talked about my recent trip to the ER. He seems actually concerned with my pain. He was concerned because I'm taking so much ibuprofen that he doesn't want me to make my body even more sick. He wants to help me at least that's how I feel. He thinks the pain is from a cyst that ruptured. He said the pain will be there possibly up to 10 days because there is fluid and the body has to absorb it all. So it will take time and patience as that happens. He really is pushing for this interstitial cystitis test which will be done on the 16th. He said, "We are searching for a zebra." He wants to rule it out and cover all the bases. (Interstitial cystitis is kind of like having ulcers, but in your bladder) I told him I'm frustrated and I'm almost to my breaking point and he said he wants to get this taken care of before that point. He answered my questions and Jamie's too. I love that Dr. M takes time to answer questions from the people that care about me the most. He has been so sweet to my mom and Jamie. It just makes me so happy.

Although my pain is still pretty rough and it doesn't go away with the meds I'm taking... I'm just glad to know that for the most part I have a plan and we are taking the next step. I know what is going to happen from here. I know that if I have this new disease I will do x, y, and z. I know that if I don't then we will continue to treat the endo and we will work to get the pain under control.

I was talking to Jamie tonight and I was talking to him about if I have this I will be on this new diet and how I'm not to excited and he said yeah I know I saw that. WOW! He took the time to look up the disease and ways to treat it. He took the time to see how to help me and keep me healthy. I cried. I just can't believe that someone would care that much about me to go out of his way to do that. Monday we leave to go on a 4 day cruise. I am SUPER DEE DUPER excited! We deserve this get away. We are both praying for a pain free week and no attacks (and no throwing up on the boat!)

****SIDE NOTE****
Isn't it amazing that EVERYONE knows the smell of popcorn and how the smell can flow all through a building!

What a WASTE

2011-08-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday started a day with new pain. I have never felt this pain before and I had been spotting earlier this week. I called the on call Dr. She (of course) told me to go into the ER. I (of course) held out for as long as possible. I took pain medicine and nothing happened. I took some more, still, nothing.

I went in.

Jamie came and picked me up because I wasn't able to drive.

It took over 2.5 hours to see a Provider. I was PISSED!

I don't care how busy you are, you could start orders on me and get me out of pain. When I first got in there I gave them a urine sample and they couldn't even take it by the time the orders came about because it had been sitting there for too LONG!

Once I finally got my IV they pulled out the big guns on me. They used one of the strongest pain meds for me. It's stronger than Morphine... I wish it took one dose and I felt better. Nope. Of course not. By the time I left I had 3 doses and I was still in pain.

They did blood tests, urine, pelvic exam, and an ultra sound. All they found was some free fluid in my pelvis which is possibly from a cyst that ruptured. Of course they had no other answers for me.

I am FURIOUS! I keep wasting time and money in the ER. I never want to see another ER (except the one I work in!) I'm so sick of the pain. I want to be pain free so bad. I'm trying so hard to be but can't find anything that works for me.

By some miracle I got a follow up appointment with MY own GYN. I'll be following up with him before my CRUISE! I can't wait to sail away from here with Jamie ♥

I am done wasting time and MONEY!

Consequences of Losing

2011-08-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Today as I was getting ready to work a day shift at work I put on my clothes and realized that my bra no longer was doing anything. It was hanging off of me like a christmas tree ornament. I'm not really sure how I really feel about this situation. Sure getting into better shape is good, but bras are EXPENSIVE. And let's just be real... I don't have money to buy new ones. I am bitter, but not braless.

Sorry about the absurd post, but I needed to vent. GR!

In Terms of the Heart

2011-08-22T02:15:00.000-07:00

Last week I FINALLY was able to follow up with my cardiologist. I got all my results back! Dr. S. said that everything looks good. I had a few times where my heart would race, but it always slowed back down. The highest it got was 167 and then it dropped to 47 when I was waking up or possibly still asleep. My echo (ultrasound of the heart) results were good. There were no signs of a bad murmur or even a murmur at all. He did say that racing heart it completely normal for the most part. He told me that if it is racing for over 5 min and then I should start to be a tad concerned. He gave me some tips to bring it down. If it continues to last then I should go to the ER. I'm sure it won't last and I'm so glad to know that for the most part my heart is FABULOUS and I'm cleared to go and do whatever my heart desires! He was shocked at how AMAZING my cholesterol is. My good cholesterol is really high and he got this strange look on his face when he was dictating about my chart into the computer.

I am looking at the current results and the results from blood work taken last year. My cholesterol has changed for the good and my triglycerides have gone down. I am grateful for the weight that I have lost. No I may not be the skinniest girl in town, but I am healthy. I have the blood work to PROVE IT!

It has come to my recent attention that I can take pain meds for my pain (which I NEVER do), but those don't even work. SWEET!!! I love it. I have a this fabulous heat pack that I warm up in the microwave and it smells good and that has been kind of my comfort blanket recently. Thank you Mom for letting me steal it from you!

Well at least I have some answers for the physical well being of my heart!

Review

2011-08-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

Last week I went and talked to my counselor and he told me a few things I thought were comical and good ideas actually. When I get mad I can do some of the following things...
Scream.
Turn up my music LOUD.
Punch a punching bag.
Tear up paper.
Write.
Paint.
Those are the ones I can remember. I like that he said I can turn up my music when I'm mad. I'm trying to work on figuring out my real emotions that come out through anger.

Saturday, after working Friday night, I went to my Great Uncle's funeral. It was really good. I know that seems strange to say, but when I left I was happy inside. It was so good to see all my family. I have this 2nd cousin named Michelle, it was her dad, and I was very excited to see her. I was also happy to see the rest of my family of course. I didn't go to the burial because it was in Pima and I needed to come back home since I had been up for almost 24 hours and I was driving! My uncle Wayne was/is a great man. He leaves behind a big legacy of love. He supported me in my Miss Arizona pageant and was one of my sponsors. I'm so glad that I knew him. I know I will see him again some day and that is great comfort to me.

Monday I went to a luau for FHE and there were hula dancers and a guy who twirled fire. There was a family who sang songs and played the guitar, ukulele, and sang. I was really impressed.

Today I'm back to work. I'm exhausted. We opened our new ER and it has been crazy. We are still getting the hang of everything and we are wishing things were different because it's so LOUD! My stress level is probably an 8 since we moved to the new ER. Oh well. I'll get used to it.

I want to start writing things that I'm thankful for....
Today I am thankful for my beautiful blonde hair. Sure it has a LOT of split ends and needs to be cut DESPERATELY, but I love it. I love the way it's blonde. I love the way it's not to long and not to short. I love the way I can flip it over my shoulder and put it in a pony tail. I love the way I can get out of the shower and go if I need to. I love the way I can rock a braid or whatever. I am thankful for my beautiful blonde hair!

Insignificant

2011-08-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm so mad I'm crying from anger!!!!!!!!

My life is stuck in this constant circle and I'm so frustrated.

One doctor needs approval from the other doctor. Well I can't get approval if the doctor changes my appointment. They gave me 2 option times of when I could switch it to. The times were 12:50 and 1:15. SERIOUSLY! That may as well be the same time! I have another doctor appointment at 1 so that's not going to work.

I can't legally get put back on birth control if I don't go to the cardiologist. I called them to send a note over to the gyn, but Heaven FORBID anything go smoothly for me! I know that I am still on my birth control, but I'm almost done with this pack and I was hoping to switch just in case it is causing the palpitations. Well I can't switch because I am not released. I called to have them write me a note, but apparently it's not that easy. Oh and the person on the phone let me know my problem was insignificant. LISTEN LADY!!!! This is actually a HUGE issue!

I would like to crawl under a rock currently.

I am pretty sure this post makes no sense because I'm so mad I can't see straight! So much for sleeping....

Frustration

2011-08-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

I was at Jamie's this evening laying down before the gym. I got up to go use the restroom and the pain it. It was that 10 on 10 pain that I started feeling about a year ago. I quickly crawled back into the fetal position and cried. Jamie helped me get some ibuprofen and a granola bar in hopes to calm my pain. So much for going to the gym...

I have had pain since my surgery, but nothing like this. I was angry because the pain is full blown back in gear apparently. The other night I was also in pain, but was able to just curl into a ball, cry, and go to sleep. I can't even imagine how bad my pain would be right now if I did follow my Dr's orders and go off birth control until I see my cardiologist. May pain has been between a 4 and 6 ever since the major pain earlier. I'm sore. I'm achey. I'm tired.

I am so frustrated!

I'm supposed to have my cardiologist appointment today, but they called yesterday afternoon saying they needed to reschedule. I didn't get their message until after 6 so I wasn't able to call them back. I'm glad they felt like they could just call the day before trying to change things when I've had this appointment for weeks. I have scheduled other appointments around them. Do they realize they are not the only ones!!!!

I am so annoyed!

My great uncle died Monday after losing his fight to cancer. My mom told me my grandma said he was at peace when he died and went out fighting. I HATE CANCER! I hate it!!!! Cancer has taken so many people in my life! Why can't cancer just kill it's self! Now that would be fabulous! I will be going to the funeral to pay tribute and see my family.

I am so angry!

I should know by now not to take the little things in life for granted. A pain free day, a kiss, a hug, and so much more.

Fabulous!

2011-08-08T06:28:00.000-07:00

I had a fabulous weekend! It was filled with friends, family and a lot of love!

Friday night my friend Meg had a birthday party. It was a blast! Jamie and I enjoyed spending time in the pool and talking to everyone. The cupcakes were delicious! I ate 3 of them and seriously considered eating more!

Saturday morning I met of with my 2 sisters, my mom, and my 2 oldest nieces and 1 nephew to go shopping. We walked a lot and it was hot every time we had to go to and from the car. It was fun to spend time with them and enjoy school clothes shopping. I love my fabulous family! I was telling my mom that I was sad because my new room doesn't feel like home so she helped me buy a few things to make my room a little happier!

After I went home and took a little nap Jamie decided that he wanted to take me out. Jamie decided to take me to a place to to country dance. I was a little shocked that he would want to go to a country place since he doesn't really like country music. We didn't really dance because everyone was 2 stepping and swing dancing, but Jamie doesn't know how to do that and I'm not the best teacher. I can dance if I have a good partner so I will have to teach Jamie so we can go back and dance. I got to put on my cowgirl boots and it was a blast!!! I was singing so loud to all the songs and I asked Jamie if he even know this side of me. He said he knew, but just had never seen it before. We laughed a lot and I was so happy!

Sunday morning was church in a new branch. It's interesting to say the least. Later, Erica, another friend, had her birthday dinner so I went to that. It's always fun to meet up with friends and laugh.

Laughter is the best medicine!

Meet My BEST Friend

2011-08-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

This is Jamie...

He has been apart of my life since November 19th 2009. We met late one night at a Quick Trip gas station because I knew there were cops there and I wanted to know if any of them were hot. Lucky for me there was one that was a real sexy piece of man! I, of course, immediately got my flirt on with him and batted my pretty little eyes. I then walked out and decided, at that moment, I needed to throw out trash from my car (because I was trying to stall for him to walk out!) He walked out and then I continued to flirt with him. Through conversation he figured out my name and found me later on Facebook! Late that night we were FB friends and were exchanging messages. The next night he sent me his number and I immediately text him. We met up later for our first date at the Ihop, he was at work and just happened to be hungry, so he invited me to tag along. The following night we had our first REAL date and went to Outback. From day one we were inseparable ♥

Our first picture

Jamie has been my best friend for the past year and a half and has been there through a lot of rough times. He was there when I didn't have a job and when I got my job now! He was there when I first had the crippling pain and we sat up together wondering what in the devil was that!!!! He was there to take me to the gym and get me excited about being healthy. He has helped me move twice. He is there every time I cry, which is A LOT!!!! (Seriously, I don't know anyone that cries more than me! I keep crying writing this. I have issues!!!) He was there when I went to school and dropped out of classes and retook some. He was there to take me to Sea World, Universal Studios, and Six Flags all for the first time!

He was there, after working a night shift, waiting with me before surgery (and he had to work again that night!) He was there when I got home from my parents and had random cravings in the middle of the night, he fed me. He was there to take me to California again to give my pain and worries over to the Lord and let them go with the waves of the ocean.

He is there to push me towards my goals. He is there to hold my hand through the pain. He has picked me up off the ground and put me on the couch, chair, or bed so many times I have lost count. He has been my main squeeze. He has been my pillow, blanket, hand and foot warmer (which he really dislikes my cold hands and feet! He once bought me pink fuzzy socks so I would stop putting my cold toes on him!) He is the one that makes me laugh no matter WHAT! He has been there every step of the way. He was there when I was to scared to go to the cardiologist by myself. He was there to help me stay positive in a whirlwind of bad. He gives me strength to fight for answers.

When Jamie and I first started dating we were open and honest with each other and knew each others goals, wants, wishes, and dreams. We knew that we wanted to be together and it was going to be a BLAST!!!! (which it has been!) We also knew that at some point there would be a fork in the road, but yet we can't ever seem to part ways.

I've had MANY people question me, "Why don't you just get over it?" "Just move on." "He doesn't want the same things as you so this should be easy." "You are just wasting your time."

It is not simple task for me to walk away from the man that has loved me through all my flaws. He has been there through the HARDEST time in my life. He loves me even though I'm "broken," and scarred. He has been the BEST "waste of time" in my entire life. (and no I don't consider him a waste of time, I was just being facetious.) He loves me for me!

I do understand that this may seem completely ridiculous to some, but for me this is very real. How do you convince yourself to leave an AMAZING person to risk a shot with someone else. Let's be real... Who wants to date a "broken" girl? Who wants to deal with some silly little girl that on occasion falls and can't get up? Who is going to be strong enough to pick me back up off the ground? Who wants to put up with strange diets, behaviors, and much much more? This guy does...

Yes, mostly I'm scared to leave him for something unknown. Yes, in my mind there are a lot of what if's like........ What if I do get married to some guy that wants a big family and then I can't even have a single child? What if he resents me because I can't give him a family? What if he decides I'm no longer good enough? Okay, Okay, I realize this sounds completely outrageous, but this is real life for me.

I am just being real with my feelings right now. I'm just letting everyone out there know about my true feelings. I want people, including Jamie and myself, to know how challenging this is. I love Jamie and there is not a switch to just turn that off. I never thought from the first time I met him that we would have made it this far, but we have and it has been an amazing journey. I am so thankful for his love and dedication to me. He has been a blessing in my life in so many ways and it's hard to imagine not spending the rest of my life with him.

We have gone through so much together and we are stuck like glue.

The Weekend is Over

2011-08-03T01:10:00.000-07:00

Here I am at working eating the most fattening thing in the history of man. I'm grossed out that I'm eating this to be honest. I mean it's Tatar tots and chicken strips. Maybe it's the fact that is was deep fried in a big huge thing of OIL! I'm grossed out and yet keep eating! (Just if you all wanted to know!)

My two days off of work were nice. Jamie and I went and saw Captain America. I was surprised by it. I liked it more than I thought I would. I wanted to go to the movies just so I could eat the popcorn. Jamie was talking about popcorn and how much it was and discussing if I really wanted to pay that much for popcorn. Me being the emotional WRECK that I am turned it into... You're fat and shouldn't eat popcorn. However none of that was ever even remotely said. I cried because I thought I was fat. Then we went to the movies and I ate popcorn! Jamie reassured me that he loves me and I'm not anywhere near fat and how he never once called me fat and that conversation had nothing to do with anything fat. HA!

I went back to the gym. I couldn't have been happier about going back. I was nervous, but I just decided to go for it! I told Jamie it was a good thing he was there because if I went down he would know all my medical history. It was so fabulous working out my legs again. Because of pt I have been having pains in one of the back of my legs. NOW I have pain in both my legs and cheeks, but it is a good burn. I did these amazing lunges with kicks and I could barely walk after. The kick was the real KICKER! (haha!) I also did a lot of step ups and squats and some other fun things. Every time my heart would get over 120 I would get really bad pain in my chest. I almost passed out, but I was happy to be there. It made me feel in control again of my body. It made me feel healthy.

This week I have a lot of stuff, but most of it is good stuff.... Massage, Hawaiian pool party for my friend Meg, and pt. I'm excited for the pool party because Meg is such a great person! I'm excited to celebrate with her for her birthday. Jamie is excited too because he really thinks and talks highly of her. She has been a great support to me and secretly follows my blog when she gets bored. She is a great coworker and a super-fabulous friend!

My goal for this week is to go back to the gym at least one more time. OOOOHHHH and my sisters and my mom are coming to go school clothes shopping. My 2 oldest nieces are coming. I'm rather excited about all this. We are going to lunch and Jamie will get to meet my sister Elizabeth for the first time. I'm so excited to have a girls shopping trip. Family is a blessing! ♥

Oh The Irony

2011-07-31T04:17:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning when I was driving home from work I pulled off the freeway at my exit and I realized I had a crack in my windshield. I didn't cry. I didn't even curse. I laughed. I laughed EXTREMELY loud! Then I called my mom and asked her what I should do. We decided that my insurance should cover it, but I just need to figure out when they can come and do it.

Now the irony of this story is this...

As I was walking to my car from work I was think about how much I love my car and how cute it is and how I'm so lucky to have such a great car. HAHAHAHA! I guess it's not happy to have me as an owner! It sure showed me exactly what it thought of me! Thank you car.

I will not breakdown. I will not give up. I will find the answers I need. I'm learning a lot of patience. I guess I had to learn it somehow. I will beat all this (if not in this lifetime... FOR SURE THE NEXT!!!!)

This is a Joke Right?

2011-07-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

Thursday...

I slept for a bit and went to the Dr's. I waited an hour to see him. I wasn't happy about the wait because I needed to go home and go back to sleep for my shift and it was a 30 min drive to his office. Clearly the visit started off with bad vibes and it didn't get any better from there....

We discussed my heart issues, my pain, my birth control, and my anger.
He told me...

Stop the birth control until I get cleared from the heart Dr.
He wants to test me for interstitial cystitis
Go to pain management therapy (Physical Therapy)
He understood why i was mad

Seriously stop my birth control. That's a joke right. I laughed out loud in his face. I told him I'm scared to have my period because I know the pain is going to be horrible. He said that his hands are tied until I can get cleared. He can't promise there isn't a clot and heart issues and so that's why I'm going to the cardiologist.

Being tested for interstitial cystitis... HA.. yeah let's just add one more chronic problem into the mix. Although I can almost swear on everything that I don't have that disease, I probably won't swear because who knows what will happen. Basically it's a problem with my bladder. I don't even know really. It doesn't make sense in my mind. To test for it they stick a catheter into my bladder and stick water in there and I rate my pain. Then they stick potassium in there and again I rate my pain. If there is significant pain with the potassium then I have that. I don't feel like I have any of the symptoms except the pelvic pain, which DUH I'm going to have because of my endometriosis.

He gave me a hand out for pain management therapy. I need to start it soon to see if it helps, but it's time consuming and I'm already going to pt at the chiropractor. Once I finish my paid for appointments with him I will stop going and start my therapy that I really need to do to help me feel better. Not that the therapy I'm doing isn't helping other places, but it's not my main focus, my pain is.

I wish is wasn't so long until I had my next appointment.

I talked to some of my coworkers about my birth control situation and they said they would honestly just stay on it until told by the cardiologist not to. For my first appointment with him I asked him and he said he highly doubted my pain was from the birth control. AAAANNNDDDD when I was in the ER the did tests to see if I had a clot and they came back back negative. After I get cleared I will call the GYN and ask to switch birth control.

Today (Friday) I'm just numb, annoyed, frustrated, and a mixing bowl of other emotions. There are some other things going on, but I am unable to discuss them at this time. I guess that's what happens when I have a public blog ;-)

I'm praying tonight I get through this night at work with serious events!

Pull Yourself Together

2011-07-28T04:39:00.000-07:00

After crying, eating a meal, ice cream, and sugar I feel better.

One of my friends was texting me and said some GREAT and uplifting things. I told her that usually I'm fighting against my own self and she said, "The real Stephanie would kick the negative's butt." That was the turn around moment. She is right. Thanks Syl!

I made my first endo friend recently. I have quoted her in some of my blogs. She goes by Warrior Woman. Since I have been reading her blogs I realized that there is a HUGE group of women out there on twitter that have joined together to uplift each other. They are a group called endosisters. Tonight I tweeted back and forth with Warrior Woman. I truly enjoyed talking to someone else that understands my frustrations and doesn't think bad of me for being so upset. She is going through a lot more than I am, but yet she took the time to listen to me. I really enjoyed her kind words. I wish I could give her a big hug and thank her for being so kind to me.

I really need to get a nap in before I go see the Dr. because this appointment is REALLY important. I'm nervous to go alone, but I think I can manage my fears because the Dr. is so nice to me. I just hope I remember all the important questions I want to ask!

I'm currently listening to CMT and let me quote this song which is my feelings to a T!!!!

Wishing I was knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there's a fire in the sky
Never been so happy
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

That song is called "Knee Deep" And that my friends, is where I want to be! And heck, I don't even need a chair just give me a towel!

I will sleep now. Hopefully.

Circle Effect

2011-07-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

Today I got my monitor taken off and I had my echo/ultra sound of my heart. The GREAT news is... they found a heart. Contrary to some people's beliefs I do have one and it beats and everything! The lady told me I have a beautiful aorta. Thank you? It was actually a relief to see my heart. Although I don't know what a normal heart looks like or the different sounds each valve makes, I was happy to see things working. I was glad I passed my anatomy class because I actually knew most of the things she was looking at. Sadly the results won't be given to me until my follow up appointment. BOO! Oh well. If it's something serious he will call. I'm sure it's nothing serious so I will find out in a week and a half.

I would like to currently crawl under a rock. I feel under appreciated. I don't have a penny to my name. I don't have anything to give anymore. I've given everything. I've seriously hit the lowest of low. How is this possible? HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?! (Sorry Mom) I am sitting here with my hood on to make me feel hidden from the world. I want it to rain. Mostly because then the sky will feel how I feel. I want to scream. I want to punch things. I want this all to go away. This isn't fair! This isn't funny anymore. This isn't anything, but depressing and hurtful. Just when things are looking up, I look around and realize I'm lower than low. I'm so mad.

I just can't get away from this. It always comes back to knock me down.

And there is this STUPID dog that keeps barking and if it doesn't shut up I might go kick it!

I think I'll go take a drive. I don't really have anywhere to go. I just know I need to be somewhere other than here. Although I guess I shouldn't go waste gas when I have no money to buy more. HA! This is a joke. My life is a big FAT joke!

I'm trying to get myself help, but of course that costs money. I can't effing win!!!!!!!

Irritated

2011-07-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

A walking EKG machine that is what I am. I'm wearing this monitor to see what my heart is up to. It's quite annoying and is not fashionable at all. Even with wearing a shirt you can see the tape sticking out over the top. I'm embarrassed by it, but luckily I'm currently in the protection of my own home where I'm the only one to judge. (and of course I could care less because it's myself!)

I accomplished my goals from last week. Minus the answers. I won't really get any answers about my heart until I finish up these tests. I have my follow up appointment in 2 weeks where we will go over everything. I decided on my own to go back to the gym but I'm only doing yoga until told other wise.

I'm not sure what goals to set this week to be honest. I'm in a strange mood. I don't really know what I can accomplish this week. I have 4 doctors appointments in 4 days and I need to schedule getting my blood drawn on day 5. Days 4-6 this week I work.

I'm really annoyed with some people's lack of wanting to help. It's little things that are annoying me. I'm fighting with the insurance right? Well they say that my current address is wrong so I ask them to please change it. They say the people at Human Resources has to change it. So I go in there today (to prove I'm a legal citizen after they lost my paperwork) and the lady says to do it on the computer. I get on the computer and the system is down. I call the insurance back asking them to correct it and they say no again! By this time human resources is closed and who knows what kind of bills I haven't been paying since I haven't gotten them. Seriously why are people so stupid! Can no one go out of their way to help another person these days? Do I not work in health care where we are supposed to help each other, but apparently my own company can't help me!

I'm irritated.

I guess the goals for this week could be...

Get my address changed.

DO NOT throw my phone while talking to the insurance company.

Get advice on pain control management.

Switch birth control.

Just Another Day

2011-07-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

Well I don't think the therapy from the chiropractor is working. I seem to always end up in more pain than when I came in. I am not sure how many more sessions I have and since I paid all up front I can't really quit. I was really hoping it would help with circulation and such, but no such luck. I should have asked for a massage this week, but I was just trying to be strong and fight through the pain. I was kind of irritated when I left today because I was saying something about taking ibuprofen for pain and one of the trainers said no that will just mask the pain... REALLY?! Well no kidding! It will hopefully help. I guess that some people just don't understand. My poor liver is probably dying from the amount of ibuprofen I take. I'm pretty sure I take more than what I need for my weight yet the pain still is there.

I guess I'm just upset about a few other things and the chiropractor was the last place I wanted to go today.

I got in a fight with my insurance company. Gotta love that.

I opened up a can of worms when I went and talked to the counselor.

I am annoyed by the fact that every day I'm in some sort of pain. Physical, Emotional, Spiritual. It's always something.

I guess it is just back to reality.

Tomorrow is going to be another long stressful day. I hope I'm up for the challenge of another doctors appointment and driving around town.

On a positive note... I did yoga tonight. It wasn't too bad. I like the teacher from Tuesday nights better so I will hopefully feel up to going tomorrow too.

I need to set goals for this week, but I don't have any right now. Maybe I'll think of some tomorrow.

Staycation

2011-07-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

What an AMAZING weekend I had!!! ♥

Friday evening Jamie and I ate like food was going out of style. We went and ate subs and then went to his coworkers house where they had cupcakes! It was like they KNEW I wanted cupcakes. The funny part about cupcakes is that I don't LOVE cupcakes, I like them. I have never craved a cupcake before, but going gluten free made me see cupcakes everywhere. (It doesn't help that I watch cupcake wars!) It was an enjoyable evening for sure! We then watched a movie and Jamie was having serious sugar cravings (from dieting) so we went on a sugar run. YUM! By the end of Friday I gained 3 pounds!!!!! I did have quite a bit of pain, but I'm positive it wasn't due to the gluten.

Saturday was the STAYCATION!!!! It was nice to relax in the pool and talk with my friends. I got to know things about people that I never knew before. Jamie and I went to get some water when some strange women was trying to take a picture of Jamie. I was rather shocked by this. I mean yes I know he is hot, but really you're going to take a picture? We went back to the pool and before long 2 ladies came up to us asking who was older between them. They were sisters and honestly I couldn't tell. At the same time we were talking to them the lady taking the picture swam up and asked if we were married? No. In a relationship. YES! She said, "Honestly, You guys are the hottest couple here!" She went on and on about how we compliment each other so well. It was rather sweet! Jamie and I immediately gave each other a high five! One of the older ladies flipped us off for being so cute. (Uh jealousy anyone?) Every time we saw someone from their group they would talk about us being hot. So here is a picture we took as evidence...

Yes, it's true we are hot!

We had so much fun goofing around and talking with people. It was a great way to take a break from the busy week I'll be having.

I am nervous about being back on gluten even though I don't know for sure if it was helping or not. I am nervous about all the tests coming up, but I know that's how I'm going to find answers. 4 doctors appointments in 4 days plus working and regular day to day things. I'm trying so hard to stay positive.

There is this new song that's out by Hot Chelle Ray called "Tonight, Tonight" in the song it says... "I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it." That is EXACTLY how I feel some days. Some days I don't know if I'll get through all this, but I can sure fake it. I fake a lot of the days away pretending to be pain free and happy. Oh the secret life I live.

I will keep on keepin on! I am blessed ♥

Randomness

2011-07-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep for to long last night. That would be why I'm going this early as opposed to late at night. I had so much to do today, but some of my plans have already fallen through. BOO! I wanted to get a spray tan for my staycation so I don't look completely ghostly white, but the lady only comes in at certain hours. Her hours today are 6:30-8. Seriously. SERIOUSLY!!!! I just want to punch someone because of course it would interfere with the rest of my life! Today was supposed to be fun and relaxing, but oh well. Maybe I'll attempt to go shopping, however I'm not feeling to skinny because I didn't sleep very long. Sleep helps you get skinny!

So now here I sit in bed with a heating pad to my right side, watching "Say Yes to the Dress", texting my sister and my long lost best friend, and blogging about nothing really.

Maybe I should nap since tonight and tomorrow are going to be BUSY BUSY! Tonight I will be eating gluten! It's been over 30 days of being 100% gluten free!!!! I was told after 30 days to try gluten to see if it is making a difference or not. I was REALLY thinking that it was working. I thought oh I feel so much better, but then it came time for that special time that happens once a month. Although I'm on meds so I don't ACTUALLY HAVE my period, I definitely still feel like I am. We will see after today that if my pain is more during the rest of the month or not.

Being GF (gluten free) was actually A LOT easier than I thought. What a good feeling it is to have completed 30 days + and I didn't even give in to all the tempting food at work. I think it was easy because I'm hoping it helped. The Jury is still out though.

Okay. I'm going to attempt to nap. This blog was full of randomness. That's ME!

Blessings

2011-07-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

I figured that most people are starting to think that I'm negative all the time, but in all seriousness I'm actually quite comical and positive. It's been "raining" a lot on me lately, but I have on my rain boots and I'm playing in it.

I am very blessed in my life. I have a family that loves me! They would do anything for me any day of the week. Heavenly Father must have known what he was doing giving me them. Although they may not always love my choices, they love me and support me and NEVER EVER give up on me. What a blessing it is to have them all so close to me (except Aaron and Carrie who live in Colorado.) I enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews. They can bring a tear to my eye by just saying they love me. They have this pure everlasting love that blesses my life. They are my little angels. It is an amazing feeling to have them close to me. I recall a time after I had surgery and went to my parents and we had a family crisis. We all stepped into high gear and took care of each other. We decided to have a family prayer. We each went around and we each prayed. Hearing children pray for their brother and cousin really touches your heart. How could I not cry? How could I not believe in Heavenly Father? How could I not believe that he hears those small children just as much as he hears me? I'm pretty sure those small children's prayers had more faith than mine. They are so pure. They are such a blessing!

I'm so blessed! I'm blessed to have AMAZING parents. They do so much for me. My mom and dad go out of their way to make sure I'm okay through all of this nonsense! They recently came to pick me and my car up after my er experience. They spent all day with me waiting for my surgery. (I'm pretty sure after the surgery they got a good laugh at me.) Then, the next day, they managed to get me and my car back to their house all in one piece. My mom buys me gluten free flour and we make gluten free meals together. She is the only brave one who will try the new foods with me. She has driven countless hours to and from here to go to doctors appointments with me so I wouldn't be scared and she could ask questions. My Dad has given me so much. (Great, now I'm crying at work writing this!) One day I was having a hard time. My dad must have just known. He sent me a text with a song title saying to you from me. I listened to the song and cried. Whenever I am sad I listen to the song over and over again to make me feel a little closer to home. My dad makes ice cream for me or anyone else for that matter. He likes to pretend he doesn't love my dog Roxy, but I know he takes special care of her since I'm not there. Both my parents support me and love me. When I need something they will always be there. I am not the best child they ever had, but I'm the one that is the most different. I'm not married and they are totally excepting of that. They never push me. They gently guide.

Blessed am I! I am blessed to have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. They are all married and we make up a GREAT big family. Both my sisters are available for phone calls for any hours of the night. My brothers love to goof around with me and play football! My sisters listen and cry with me. They lead me by great examples. They make me laugh. Celissa sends me random packages in the mail. Elizabeth was up here and took me to lunch with her family. Ren often comes up here as well and usually tries to make a point to hang out with me. We are always goofing off and causing mischief. We love to play pranks on each other. Aaron lives a billion miles away it seems, but is always just a text away. I was out camping with some friends and I needed some help and he text back right away and let me know what I should do to get the food ready.

My life is blessed! I am so blessed to have Jamie in my life. He has been by my side through some of the worst things in my life. He was there when my pain first started up until today almost a year later when I still struggle with the pain. He has been in my life for over a year and a half and has been through a lot. Seriously I am not exaggerating. He deals with my yelling, crying, laughing, and so much more. I take a lot out on him and usually I realize it and say sorry. Even the times I don't say sorry he just takes it. He has worked so hard to understand everything that's going on. The minute I found out I have endo he googled it and started learning. He is always searching for answers. He is constantly trying to help me. What an amazing SELFLESS man. He gives so much of himself. He is truly a blessing in my life. I don't know how I could have come so far with out him. He has helped me become healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually. I remember a time when we sat down to dinner and he bowed his head quickly before he ate. I said, "Did you just pray?" He said, "Yeah." I was so shocked. I have never had a boyfriend to pray before every meal. What a great example that was to me. When I was in the ER he was at work and so he couldn't stay for long. Just before he hit the streets he took my hand, bowed his head, and told me to close my eyes. I of course peaked my eyes open to see him mouthing words. He was praying for me. Wow! What faith this man has!

I'm blessed to have friends who support me and worry about me!
I'm blessed to have a job.
I'm blessed to have a car.
I'm blessed to have a house.
I'm blessed to have food (well not currently... I've been working too much.)
I'm blessed to have clothes.
I'm blessed to have so many blessings!

I AM SO BLESSED to know I have a Father in Heaven who loves me so much. He knows my pain. He knows my joy. Sometimes it's very hard to remember this because the pain overcomes me and I feel empty and alone. But I'm not. NEVER EVER! I'm a daughter of God and he knows my name. He will never leave me alone. Never. Not once. I often feel his love in my life. When I look at my blessings how can I not see his love. He sends guardian angels to watch over me and give me lots of hugs. ****Thanks Tim and Aunt Norma and who ever else is out there watching over me**** I know with all my heart that He thinks I'm strong enough to handle, but I'm having a hard time trusting myself to be strong. Thank you for the blessings!!!

♥ ♥ ♥

Cardiologist

2011-07-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I worked. I was supposed to work until 7 am, but they had to send someone home and it was my turn. I wasn't too excited about that, but I went to Jamie's and we watched "Letters to God." It was a great movie. I cried of course and asked Jamie what he was thinking making me watch that, but it was a great movie.

When I was at work I was talking to a friend about me being scared about going alone to this appointment. She asked why I hadn't asked Jamie to come with me. I told her because I bet he will say no because he works Tuesday night and needs sleep. I figured what do I have to lose and I asked him. He said he would go. I started crying. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't as scared anymore and I knew I could do this.

The appointment was at 8 and of course I didn't get back until 8:30. I was strange. I had to do an EKG (which shows my heart rhythm). Then I was taken into Dr. S.'s office where it was covered in plaques and recognitions. We waited for him for about 10 min. His desk was wooden and beautiful with a cup of coffee in a U of A cup (-1 point for him for liking U of A) He had pictures of his daughters behind him which I thought was awesome. I knew Dr. S. was an older man and when he walked in I was right. I had seen a head shot of him and I thought he would be a short man with a gut.... I was SO wrong. Yes he was older, but he was TALL and slender.

He asked me some basic information about my family and about my lifestyle. I told him about my weight loss and about going to the gym. I told him about my family and all that jazz.

We went back into the exam room. I don't understand why they make the rooms so bloody cold and then they want you to change into this stupid paper gown! My toes were turning purple it was so cold and I was shivering. Finally he made his way into the room. He did his voice charting in front of me which I thought was actually pretty cool. He even said I was a pleasant 22 year old. (thank you for noticing my awesomeness!) He then asked me again about my weight loss and I told him I'm done losing weight and I'm okay where I am now. He told me, "You are the skinniest person I will see all month. You my dear, don't need to lose anymore weight. You are at 21 BMI. Do you know how many people that are at that? 1% that's how many!" I told him thank you and I confirmed again I was happy. I was really thinking... I've gained 2 pounds in a week. What would he said a few weeks ago when I weighed 120 instead of now 123. I hate weight gain. I'm so irritated.

I digress.... He listened to my heart. Heard the murmur. Said we would do a ECG (an ultrasound to see the murmur), a holter monitor (I wear a heart monitor for 24 hours), and blood work. This makes for an EXTREMELY busy next week. 4 Dr's appointments in 4 days. I might go crazy, just so you know, but I will make it through all this and get some answers. Oh by the way. He said he doesn't think my birth control has anything to do with it, but I think I would feel more comfortable with switching it just in case.

By the end of the day my body was "attacking" me. My endo is pissed at me because it's supposed to by my period. My heart keeps doing strange things too. My poor body needs a rest.

Staycation this weekend. (although by this weekend I'll probably weight 130!) (Sorry I'm just angry. I know 130 is fine, but I've done so much work it would be nice to STAY where I'm at for a month at least!!!!!!!!!!) It will be nice to relax and hang out for a bit.

Okay I have to get ready for work... Actually wait... I have one more thing on my mind. People... I didn't lose my weight by being anorexic or bulimic, I worked extremely hard at the gym and watched diligently to my food. Stop asking me if I'm anorexic. It's not funny anymore. I eat. I ate A LOT, I just eat things that are better than pizza and donuts. And I'm gaining it back because I haven't gone to the gym in a while. I forgot to ask the Dr. about that. He did ask about my activity level. I told him I am pretty active. Jamie said he thinks that the Dr. thinks I've still been going to the gym. I guess I should have specified.

Now I'm going to work.

xoxo

Too Scared

2011-07-17T04:45:00.000-07:00

My oldest sister Celissa was talking to me today about my blog. I told her I didn't have anything to say because I said it all yesterday. Well I lied.

I just realized that currently my life revolves around me being too scared.

I'm scared to get stressed out or excercise for fear my heart will hurt me.
I'm scared I'll gain all the weight I lost because I can't excersice and I have low thyroid.
I'm scared to have my period because I know it will hurt me.
I'm scared to go to the Dr because they may not have all the answers.
I'm scared of the dark because that means I'm alone.
I'm scared to wake up because that means it's another day of being scared and not knowing how the day will be health wise.
I'm scared to keep taking my birth control because it could be reaking havoc on my heart and hormones.
I'm scared that my endo is growing inside of me.
I'm scared that I will never have a baby to hold and call my own.
I'm scared of the thought of moving on from Jamie.
I'm scared that this sounds completely crazy to every normal person out there.
I'm scared that the Drs will tell me I'm fine when I don't feel fine.
I'm scared to go to the Cardiologist alone because what if I forget something or I don't remember everything.
I'm scared to be single because how do I deal with everything with no one to lean on (literally)

I feel alone with my own emotions. I mean seriously how am I even supposed to convey my feelings to people when I have things wrong that are not seen by phycially looking at me. I feel like a nut case. I'm not though. I SWEAR. Okay just a little, but isn't everyone. When I tell people about my heart they try and tell me that it is just anxiety, but I don't feel anxious. I feel like it's beating out of my CHEST! I feel like I can't breathe and that I want to pass out. When I tell people about my endo they just shut off because they don't want to hear about that. It's awkward. HELLO! I deal with it every day how awkward is that? You want to know awkward... When you are at the gym and all the sudden you are bent over crying. Now THAT IS awkward. Or how about when you are at dinner and you have to tell your date (Jamie) not to get up from the table because you're not ready to move. Or this is the best when you are at work and you go sheet white and have sit down in the middle of a prodecure because either your heart hurts or your side. I mean take your pick.

I have good days and bad days. And then in each day I have bad moments and good. It's like an emotional rollercoaster. A physical yo-yo. A mental round-a-bout.

I am trying to be strong and everyone just keeps saying to be strong. How would you like me to be strong? How can I be stronger? I'm dealing with all this aren't I?! I'm still working, going to Dr's appointments, sleeping, and such all by myself. I don't ask for help. I do it all by myself. I do my best every DAY. I want to be better. I do. Clearly I am trying to be better and work through these hard times. I know I can do it, but cut me some slack. I try my best to just not cry every day. Sometimes I just think this is way to much for me. But I don't give up. I keep fighting. I keep searching for answers or new ways that might help me. Each day is a challenge for me to cope and to be positive.

My only wish right now is that I wasn't basing my day-to-day things around being scared of EVERYTHING. It's trapped me in.

My Goals for this week include...
Cardiologist appointment. GET ANSWERS!!!! (heart murmur, palpitations, pain, short of breath)
Going back to the gym. (please let me back be able to go back!)
STAYCATION ♥ (I need to relax. I need a time out.)
Supporting Jamie in his show (keep your fingers crossed he can push through and come in tight)

3 posts in one night...

2011-07-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

Seriously... I currently have an addiction. I might need a recovery program. I do have about 10 other programs I'm in so why not add one to recover from blogging addiction.

I've been reading blogs from AMAZING women that suffer from Endometriosis. Both of the blogs I've been reading within the last 2 hours are women who are married. One is pregnant for the 2nd time. The first was born at 18 weeks and was needed in Heaven more than Earth. She is due with her second in just a few weeks. This is her blog. The next blog I've been reading is a women who since March has been dealing with everything that endo throws at here. This is her blog.

I wish I knew her real name, but Warrior Women, the writer of blog #2, put this in her blog and I TOTALLY agree with her. I seriously almost jumped out of my chair screaming!!!!
"But the thing is, with endometriosis comes this amazing superpower. I think Marvel comics should really think about including this into their collection. When absolutely necessary, those of us with endo can find this incredible strength in us to be as normal as possible. So much so that if you didn't know, there was no way to tell that something was wrong." She was talking about a wedding she went to for a friend in this post. That's just so true. I love knowing that someone else out there gets it. Not that you guys reading this don't get it.... She just understands it more.
In some of her other posts she talks about the Dr's urgency for her to hurry and get pregnant which is really stressful. As I read that I wonder if my Dr really wants me to get pregnant too. I mean yes both GYNs I've been too have brought it up, but do they mean business? Getting pregnant seems so crazy to me right now. I'm not even ANYWHERE near marriage much less kids. I have so much I want to do before then. I don't want to rush into a marriage just so I can pop out some kids. That is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard of or thought of in my entire life of living!

So here I am at 4 am Saturday, July 16, 2011 eating strawberries and bananas wondering what the Dr is going to tell me at the end of the month. OOOOHHHH I need to tell you guys something...

I've been going to the chiropractor. I am doing physical therapy and have had a massage the past 2 weeks. However deciding to do this came at a bad time. July looks like this for me...

16-work
17-off
18-Pt then work
19-8 am cardiologist appointment right after work then I work that night
20-Pt then work
21-work meeting after working the night before then I come back at 3 to work some OT (can you say no SLEEP)
22- pt and catch up on sleep
23-staycation and bodybuilding show
24-sleep (YAY!)
25-appointment with a counselor to see if I can find different ways of coping
26 & 27- 2 days of nothing besides Pt!!!!
28-GYN appointment followed by work
29-Pt and Work
30-Work
31-Wow the month is OVER!

Okay so when I write it out day to day it doesn't seem THAT bad to me. Pt 3 times a week. 3 different Dr's. I'm sure that the Cardiologist will want to schedule some testing on my heart because that's the whole point of going! So that will have to be fit in somewhere. Hopefully by the end of the month I will have a lot more answers than I have now.

I don't know if I've said this before or not, but I'm concerned that the birth control that I'm taking is causing my heart to do silly things. If I come off the birth control it will cause me to have issues with my endometriosis. I am having a lot more issues with my endo than I'm willing to admit on this blog. Just like Warrior Women said... You become strong to hide the truth. No one REALLY wants to hear the truth. People don't like to talk about endo because well HELLO it deals with women parts, periods, and sex.

Another thing I know for SURE I haven't been talking much about it me being GLUTEN FREE FOR 30 DAYS!!!!!! Yes I did it! I did eat red vines one day with out checking and of course those are made with wheat flour. Oh and... these veggie chips have wheat in them too. I'm going to continue to be GF until the 23rd when Jamie comes off his diet so we can go to dinner after and seriously PIG OUT! (okay not pig out, but kind of pig out) I really want that DANG piece of bread with butter on it that has been dancing around in my head for the last month! Oh and pizza and a sub sandwich from Fire House Subs!!!!

Apparently at 4 am I feel inclined to share EVERYTHING about me... One more thing... Since my heart issues I haven't been seriously working out. I went to Yoga on Tuesday, but I'm SERIOUSLY itching to get back into the gym. How am I even supposed to maintain my weight if I can't go to the gym? I'm eating healthy still, but I have a low thyroid level (found out in the ER) and that means my body doesn't metabolize fat as easily. The ER Dr. that I LOVE told me he sees that a lot in women with endo. Hmmm that is interesting to me.

I think I've shared enough. I better stop blogging for tonight. I'm sure if I think of something else I'll just blog again! HA!

Thanks again for all the support. I need it now more than ever.

Family Renion/ FHE Eternal Families

2011-07-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

Last week we had a "family reunion" that wasn't really because Aaron and Carrie live in Colorado and Elizabeth and Andrew were with their family with Josiah (my nephew) who was having surgery to get his tonsils out.

We had a fun weekend. I planned to camp out on the mountain, but it was closed due to the weather. So I was going to camp in my parents yard, but that was closed due to my heart issues. (my parents didn't want me to have added stress over staying with the kids in the tent with no other adults.)

Saturday morning we had breakfast together. It was breakfast burritos, pancakes, and fruit. It was delicious! When my nieces and nephews came in they each gave me the biggest hugs and of course the wettest kisses on the cheek! Some of them even told me how much they missed me. They make me feel so loved.
Later we had a slip-n-slide and water wars in the back yard and dinner. It was fun to watch the young kids learn how to slip-n-slide. I did play because I wasn't going to miss the fun on what I helped plan! The poor dogs wouldn't come near us for fear we would spray them... I guess that was smart of them.

Sunday the Turley's (Elizabeth and Andrew) came home. I was so excited to see little Josiah doing well. I hated that I wasn't right there. I want to know first hand what is going on with my nieces and nephews. Avery and Josiah followed suit and gave me lots of love and were excited to see me as well. We all talked to my parents for a bit and then we all departed to get ready for church.
After church we ate ice cream on behalf of Josiah. Poor Josiah... He wanted some, but he just stirred it because it hurt to bad to swallow it. We even let him sit on grandma's new couches to tempt him to eat it, but nothing. I did share my ice cream with my niece that is almost 2 because that's what the favorite aunt does!

Monday I went to Elizabeth's house (she lives like 50-75 yards away from my parents) to see how the little Josiah was doing. I convinced him to drink some root beer out of a syringe (he loved to do it all by himself. That was the only way my sister was getting him to drink) and to take some licks of a green Popsicle because green is the fav color among Bryce grand kids. (John Deere green mind you!) I went shopping with my sister and bought a cute dress to wear over my swim suit.

Family Home Evening (FHE).... I was really nervous for this. I decided I wanted to plan a big family home evening including all the families. I talked to my mom and dad about my ideas and they helped me make them come to life.
We started by singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" (is that the real name... I don't know)
Then for the activity... Each family was given a card with a location outside and a color. They were to follow each cards instructions and go on a "scavenger" hunt. The cards were life choices. One said "You had family prayers move on to the_____ (another location).) The next one said "Oh no someone hit their brother or sister. You are now off track, but move on to _____.) Next said something along the lines of repent and go back to get back on track. Next, " You said sorry and said your prayers. Go to _____." Last "Heavenly Father is happy when we do what is right. When we make good choices we can go to the Celestial Kingdom. Go to ___ to enter into the Celestial Kingdom." Our "Heaven" included ice cream (OF COURSE) and family! Once we came back inside we talked about how we all go down different paths and how it is important to make good choices so we can be with our families forever!
Refreshments, of course, included ice cream and various toppings. I considered making brownies, but because of my gluten free status, I didn't want to be tempted.

Overall it turned out pretty much fabulous. It was fun to have most of my family there. It did feel weird not to have Aaron and Carrie there, but that's the part of the lesson where everyone goes down different paths in different directions, but we all will end up together in the end!

I am blessed to have a family here on Earth that loves me for who I am and holds me close, but gives me enough space to spread my wings. Heavenly Father knew I couldn't do it with out family so he made sure I came from a big one! Each member of my family is so different. Sure we have things in common, but wow we are different. I love my family! I love being an aunt of the cutest kids in the PLANET!!!! 10 plus 2 on the way!

Bryce Family = AMAZING!

An OMG Moment in Blogging

2011-07-16T00:21:00.000-07:00

I was recently looking at how many views I had on my blog. In June 373 people looked at my blog! OH MY GOSH!!!!!

I do realize that mostly that is because I reel them in with clever sayings on facebook to get them to read it. Only 5 people currently follow my blog which is kind of sad, but I realize that a lot of people, like my mother, don't have a blog therefore can't "follow" me.

I do realize that I don't have an interesting life filled with cute kids and I don't really have clever ideas on life. I just talk about my life. I do suppose my life is kind of interesting and well I do have some fun.

For those of you who read my blog... THANK YOU! Whether you're stocking me secretly or openly following along YOU ROCK!!!!!

Thank you all for your support and just seeing that people read about me makes me feel loved and not so alone.

The Point Game

2011-07-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

So with the recent attempts to make healthier lifestyle choice I developed this little game for my sisters that live in AZ and my mom to play with me. It's not really anything too hard, but believe me it's harder for me than it looks!

It's played like this...

1 point for saying your prayers
1 point for reading your scriptures or the Ensign
1 point for drinking 2 liters or more water a day
1 point for exercising over 20 min
1 point for eating healthy

-1 point for sugary substances and/or anything you feel you shouldn't be eating

You can only get 5 points in a day, but you can lose as many as you want.

Seriously the sugary one gets me EVERY TIME!

When you get 15 points you can get a milkshake or a special treat with no -1
First person to 100 lets everyone know. We total our points and the person with the least buys the person at 100 lunch or dinner.

I need to devise a better way to track my points. I made calenders, but since I have a Mac it doesn't open... It could be because I don't have the proper agent to open with. <<

This game is a way to get people thinking a little healthier. Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally.

When I first was saying the rules everyone was going CRAZY because there wasn't set in stone you must do this to get a point. If you feel you deserve that point then by all means you get that point. Everyone is at different places in life so if you feel like you get the point for reading 10 chapters in the scriptures then by all means have it. If you feel like opening up the book gets you the point then there you go. It's not really meant to be a competition with others, but with yourself.

Just thought I would share the fun. Maybe you want to start playing it with people around you. I wish I knew a way to incorporate all the girls in my family, but they don't all live in the same state.

PS... I'm writing this mostly because I'm about to fall asleep at work and I need something to keep my mind working!

xoxo!

PSS. Staycation on the 23rd!!!! yahoo!

PSSSSSSSSSSS. I am not doing the show, but Jamie is still training. It's on the 23rd as well. I hope his hard work pays off. He has worked so hard and looks great!

A Million Emotions in a Day

2011-07-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, I came back to real life in the city. When I woke up I was not thrilled about coming back to my house. I was not thrilled at all. I considered never coming back, but then I knew I had too. I think Heavenly Father definitely knows us for sure. As I started my drive back I was very angry at him. I know that I'm strong enough to handle all this crap I'm going through, but let me tell you something... I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG. Why can't someone else be strong? Can someone else be the strong one?

As I started to cry I began to have this overwhelming feeling of love!

I decided that I needed to turn on a cd to help me feel better.

Now it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain’t no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain’t no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don’t go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens

Thank you Sugarland - "It happens"

So I need to work on letting go laughing. Yes, I do have a ton of stress, but I need to laugh. I need to laugh a lot.
Next I decided to put in a cd I hadn't listened to in a couple of years. This is what I heard...

When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Thank you Rascal Flatts- "Unstoppable"

I can do impossible things when the Lord is on my side. I need to have more faith that I can be healed emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I do need to take back the things that have been taken away from me. I can do this.

I went to my primary doctor today to get a referral to the cardiologist. I saw the PA and just as I thought they had no answers for me. Which is very frustrating, but I know I have 2 specialty Dr's that do have answers.

I went to Yoga because I wanted to go to the gym so bad, but knew until I get things sorted out I shouldn't be elevating my heart rate.

Today, Wednesday, (sorry I wrote this in two days) I am working some over time which is great since I could use the extra money for all my lovely bills. I woke up happy and blessed. I know there are plenty of people that have it worse and I pray for them. It's hard to have trials because it's hard to be strong especially when you you're family lives a few hours away and you often feel alone. THINGS WILL GET BETTER. I just need to not believe they will, but KNOW they will.

Next Wednesday I have an appointment with the cardiologist. And the following week with 2 more people. What a great time I'm having. I guess it's just practice for when I'm a mom!

xoxo!

Only the good die young, I'm not good, so I'm not dying!

2011-07-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

I've probably said that phrase like a million times in the past 2 days.

For a few months now I have been having heart palpitations. I always just blamed it on stress and ignored it. I never had pain with the palpitations so Thursday when I had pain I got scared. Not only pain, but a racing heart. So fast I couldn't count, but by the time I went to my room to look at a clock it had stopped. I continued through my day and I could feel it keep racing and pain. I called my Dr. around 6:30 and she told me she was concerned about a PE (no not the gym class) Pulmonary embolism or also known as a blood clot in my lungs, and or heart. I just ignored her and went to work. Yes I went to work. Hello I work in an ER. Best place to be if something happens! I kept having pain and couldn't convince myself that I needed to go in. In fact when I did check in around 11:30 pm I felt pretty stupid about it. I was able to see a Dr. that I know and he is so sweet to me. They did the usual of ekg (to see if my heart is okay) iv (for blood work and easy access for meds), blood work(check all kinds of levels to see if maybe it was my electrolytes), maintenance fluids(just a good measure), and hooked me up to the monitor(to keep me on watch.)

The Dr. told me he heard a murmur and that could cause palpitations and pain, and that if the blood work came back negative for a clot then no ct scan would be necessary. So later after the blood work came back and said it's negative, but we will do a chest x ray to see the size of your heart. Away to x ray I went. Which, may I just say, is always awkward when you are barely clothed and you know the people working with you! The Dr. came in said everything was good. Was going to have me follow up with the cardiologist out patient and I was about to be home free just in time to eat. As the Dr. is writing up discharge paper work it happens again. The pain and elevated rate. It didn't get to high thankfully, but the pain was a lot and I my heart rate had doubled. I didn't want to press the call button, in fact I didn't for a bit, but finally I did. The nurse and Dr responded pretty quick and assessed the situation. They did another ekg and gave me some meds to help me calm down because I was pretty scared too. The meds helped to calm me down, but I still had the pain on and off and because of all this i had the ct scan done just for good measures. Everything came back fabulous of course. However... the Dr had me stay for a while because he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again and if it did he wanted to catch it better on the monitor. He called the cardiologist and talked about a treatment plan. Lucky for me they decided NOT to keep me to have some more tests done, but I do have to follow up next week. My biggest fear in all this was that I would miss my family reunion that I had planned. I wasn't going to let that happen! They finally let me go at about 6:45. Oh did I mention that I didn't call my parents until about 5 am. I'm not sure if they were happy or upset about that. My coworkers and Jamie all came in to check on me ever so often. They were my family that night.

My parents came to my house around 10:30 and picked me and my car up and took me back home so I could be safe and take it easy. So here I am. At my parents, Roxy at my feet, a blanket around me, and I couldn't be happier. Yes, I am okay. I do keep having random pains, but it must be nothing since they didn't find anything. I will just wait to see what the Cardiologist says next week. Plenty of people live with murmurs and they are fine, oh and did I mention that sometimes birth control could be the cause of palpitations. HA! Sweet one disease is trying to kill me off with it's way of keeping my endo under control.

Like I said... Only the good die young, I'm not good, so I'm not dying! I love you all and it's great to be home!!!!

Small room+a lot of stuff= A BIG HEADACHE

2011-07-05T03:09:00.000-07:00

Dear new house, new room, and new bathroom,

House, I like you so far. You give me a space in the garage. You give me a big kitchen to cook in. You give me a place that is not to hot and not to cold. Oh and you give me a roof over my head.

Bathroom, I like you so far too! You have a lovely tub that I have yet to sit in. HOWEVER, You have space for me to store my things except under the sink. BOO! OH and... I do LOVE the high counters!!!!

Room, I DISLIKE YOU! You need to grow about 2 feet on each wall possible. Seriously right now!!!! I'm about to punch a hole in one of your walls because I can not handle the smallness of you. I do not even have room to walk around my bed comfortably. BOO!!!!!!

Thanks,

ME!

Moving and such

2011-07-02T04:49:00.000-07:00

On Monday I was supposed to start my move, but ended up sleeping the entire day away. After the gym I did go take a look at the new house though. I was a little bummed out that I had a smaller room, but my bathroom is nicer and I'm hoping I can move the Roxy dog in with me!!!!

Tuesday, I talked Jamie's daughter, Sara, into coming to help me move my clothes over to my new house. (Mostly because there are stairs in both houses and that's pain to try and walk up and down them a billion times.) I then went to work and had an enjoyable time..

Wednesday, Jenica, Sara, and I moved our entire kitchen. All the pantry and dishes went away. After we moved them we started to set up house. This was fun, but not so much fun. It was fun to set up house and get to decide where things go and set up things, but it was time consuming and exhausting (especially after all the dang stairs!) I was scheduled to go into work, but I managed to bribe my manager into cookies and rice krispies for not making me come in. She said okay (really we were just slow so whatever.) I fell asleep at 7:30 pm because I was so tired.

Thursday, I woke up at 2:30 am! Yes, that's right! (Oh the joys of night shift!) After watching an episode of "Cupcake Wars"I went to breakfast at Ihop with Jamie and then decided I should start packing and cleaning. I then text and called my mom. She said she would come and help me. Sure enough a few hours later my FABULOUS mom was there helping us pack and move and walk the stairs in the blazing heat! She helped clean and pack and do all kinds of things. We went to get lunch and move some stuff over and I saw some smoke and figured a house was on fire. When we got to the house I heard some water leaking from the washer that just was put in and I shut off that water. The landlords ended up shutting off all the water because it was still leaking. At around 2 my mom made me take a nap (Okay not so much made because I was tired and had to work later) At around 2:30 the fans shut off and I just figured maybe there was a little break before they turned it on. It wasn't until I woke up did I realize that electricity was out all throughout town and both houses were now with out AC. HORRIBLE! It was JUNE/JULY and 110 out and there was no AC or ANYTHING! At this point I hated life. I hated everything. At 5 we met at the old place to move furniture and such. This was interesting. A bunch of sweaty men moving our stuff... Sweet! I ended up being late for work (such is life.) My mom stayed to direct the men on where to put my stuff and to help. She is AMAZING!!!!

I ended up getting off work early Friday morning and went back to the old place to clean up so Jenica didn't have to do it all on her own. When I walked into our new house it was crazy! It was like a bomb went off. It was only because they were running out of day light and couldn't see because the electricity was off until 11 pm. I changed and went to the old house, cleaned, and said my farewells. I ended up having to stay else where because the water was still off, but oh well. Life happens!

Today, Saturday, I plan to sleep and then come back to work.

I think I've given up on this "diet." I did a HORRIBLE, and when I say that I mean it, job eating this week because of all the work, moving, and stress that has been happening. Through it all I remained gluten free which is awesome, however I did not stay sugar or carb free.

Oh well... LIFE HAPPENS! I cant' wait to get the new house set up and get back into the swing of the gym and such. I will be calling the landlords today to find out about the Roxy dog! Everyone cross your fingers because this will be a dream come true. I love her and miss her so much. It is going to be a lot of responsibility to have her 24-7 with no one to rely on for help me, but I'm excited to try it out. When I go on vacation she will have to go back to my parents because I don't want her to be scared or lonely. I love her!!!! She is always there when I need her. Never talks back. Always cuddles, gives kisses, and makes me giggle. I can't wait to have her in my life FULL TIME!

Plateau

2011-06-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well It's official... I've hit a plateau. I'm currently stuck at 120 pounds.

I don't mind being 120, but I did set a goal to do a bikini show on July 23rd. If I can't shake these last 10 pounds I'm going to have to give up on that goal.

This week is going to be a CRAZY week. Today, Monday, is my only day off. That's right I'm working to pay off those tires I bought. Oh and did I mention we are moving this week. Yeah we are moving across the freeway, but man it feels like 150 miles away.

I however need to set up some goals right now. So here it goes.....

-GOALS-

No sugar

Cardio 2 times a day

BREAK THIS STUPID PLATEAU!!!!

I keep giving myself pep talks because I only have a month more to go! AHHHH! You can do anything for a month right?!

GO! LOSE! WIN!

Stupid Men at the Gym

2011-06-26T01:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (Friday) while I was at the gym the strangest thing happened. I showed up with Jamie, but however we parted ways once we got there because there was work to be done. I was in between sets when Jamie caught my eye. He ended up on a machine across from me. He didn't talk to me just went to work. All of the sudden a man in his 30's RUNS, seriously, up to him and starts talking to him. I could hear part of what he was saying and he the man gesturing in my direction. I figured it was one of Jamie's coworkers or friends. I moved to my next exercise and thought nothing of it.

Later, I needed help with one of my lifts so I asked Jamie if he could help me. He said yes and came over. I then asked him who that running man was. He said, "Oh he was playing racquet ball with a friend and they were staring at you. He apologized for staring at you and said he didn't know you were with me. I told him, "it's okay she is something nice to look at."

SERIOUSLY! WHO DOES THAT! Who admits they were staring at someone. I clearly didn't know they were staring at me or else I would have given them dirty looks. So WHY would you admit that?! AND WHY did he RUN up to Jamie?! If only I was exaggerating the fact that he ran.... but I'm not. He for sure RAN!

Next, I was at the free weights and there were these stupid guys in their 20's. The guys work out and then the girlfriend sits there and reads a book. They kept picking up the weights and then dropping them. It was getting annoying. It was so loud every time they dropped they weights! They weren't even picking up the weights with the correct form. So... in my loudest quietest voice I said, "Maybe if they could read they could see that sign that says DO NOT DROP THE WEIGHTS!" Well the girlfriend started laughing and told the guys. They waited until I moved back to the machines to start up again. Just because I'm across the gym doesn't mean your weights are any quieter! I seriously considered getting them kicked out. I would have said something to them directly, but stupid guys don't listen to women.

Today when I went all the crazy guys were not there so I was able to enjoy my work in peace.

How to Cure a BAD Day

2011-06-24T02:04:00.000-07:00

I promised I would post some of the things that help me get through my bad days....

- Ice cream (I like Breyer's because it's gluten free!)

- Laffy Taffy's (I eat the big cherry ones from "Circle K")

-"All Things Work Together for Good" (talk by James B. Martino)

- "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" (I listened to this song at least 10 times if not more)

- THIS blog (This is a blog about a woman who was in an airplane crash and burned 80% of her body)

- "Moments That Matter Most" (video that puts life into perspective)

- Calling my mommy! (sorry no link to my mom on here)

- Texting or calling my sisters (again no link to my sisters)

- Inviting over my best friend Jamie (He is easy on the eyes and he gives excellent hugs)

- Gymmy gym, gym (Endorphins make you happy and pumping weights burns steam)

So next time you are having a bad day check out some of the things listed above. Let me know if they help!

What a day Moday was!

2011-06-23T03:10:00.000-07:00

Monday was a real doozie!!!

I put on my new favorite pair of shorts, a tank, and even put a bow in my hair and went to the mall with Jamie and his daughter Sara. I was looking for a shirt for an upcoming photo shoot with one of my friends. As I walked through the mall I realized the following things...

ONE- My favorite shorts are now to big because of my recent goals

TWO- I really wanted Panda Express but EVERYTHING contains wheat...

THREE- Why can't I just design my own clothes because I have cute ideas that no store has!

After discovering number 2 the day sorta went down hill from there. I cried the entire way home, a couple hours at home, and then I finally called my mommy! Mommy's make everything better. I cried and told her I hated everything because at that moment I surely did hate EVERYTHING! Wouldn't you know that my mom told me the best advice ever... "Go and eat a bowl of ice cream." YES!!! Mom you are so right! Ice cream makes everything better. She also said I should call the doctor and make an appointment to see what else could be done with out risking it all on the Lupron. After I finished crying to my mother I went to the gym.

BUT AFTER THE GYM... I hate a big bowl of ice cream and cried some more. If you can't tell by now... I cry a lot! (It runs in my family.) I kept texting Jamie while I was throwing myself a pity party in my bed.

During this pity party I called on the Lord for strength and he sent my guardian angels to hold me tight. As I cried and pleaded I could feel arms wrapped around me holding me tight. I kept asking why me, WHY ME! I read some talks from the general authorities and watched some Mormon ads. (I will try and post them later.) After hours of asking why me I finally decided, welp being sad and asking why me isn't getting me anywhere, so I better try something new.

My something new... Jamie came over with comfort food... LAFFY TAFFYS!!!! He surprised me and showed up and even brought my favorite snacky snack for me to eat to heal my heart since the ice cream had only partially healed it. With Jamie there I got to talk out my feelings and talk about Heavenly Father and Jesus. He reminded me that they know who I am and my pain. He reminded me they hear my prayers and know my pain.

I had to go through all the tears and such to be reminded again that some trials may never go away, but the Lord will give you strength EVERY DAY to get through them. I may not like my trails.... In fact I was wishing I had other trials instead of the ones I have because they are hard. I was reminded that I am a strong woman and my trials are because I am so strong and can handle it. (I'm not sure if it's I'm strong or stubborn!)

May the Lord bless us to learn and grow from the things he sees fit to send us!

10 Things That Make Me Go... AHHHHH!!!

2011-06-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

ONE- meeting my weight goal for the week...

TWO- so many people at the gym I can't do the machines or exercises I want, nor find the proper weights...

THREE- drinking a strawberry smoothie...

FOUR- not getting my rebate after a month...

FIVE- 3 days 100% gluten free (including oats)...

SIX- cravings (sometimes I see dancing bread with butter!)...

SEVEN- buying myself purple daisies...

EIGHT- doing laundry...

NINE- bubble baths!!!

TEN- preparing meals for 4 days at work...

For my next goal I just want to manage my eating during my work week. That means I have to go get my meals ready, which I HATE left overs so this should be interesting....

Week in Review

2011-06-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

This Friday was my niece's birthday. They just happened to be down here on their way to vacation back East. It was very sweet of them to invite me to a breakfast lunch at Ihop. After lunch they came to my house and I showed them where I live so the kids could understand I don't live at Grandma and Grandpa's house anymore. I showed them my new computer and we took silly pictures to entertain ourselves because I don't have any "kid" toys. They stayed for about an hour and then left to run a few more last minute errands before they flew out.

On Saturday I met my parents in Globe and we drove up to Snow Flake for my cousin's wedding. It was fun to be there when she got out of the temple. She looked absolutely beautiful and was so happy!

This is us. See absolutely BEAUTIFUL!

My dad and I drove back to Globe after the lunch-in after the wedding. I went to a graduation party for some of Jamie's friends later that night.

At this party I met a woman who has Celiac disease and is gluten free along with a dozen other intolerances to food. Kirstin Carey took her business knowledge and her food knowledge, she built the restaurant "Nourish." (if you click on that it goes to the restaurant site!) She was very VERY helpful and gave me a lot of encouragement. She told me some things I should change and work on and let me know it's okay to take it one day, week, and month at a time. In the future I will be blogging my challenge of finally going 110% gluten free for 30 days!!!!

As for my dieting goals... I never saw 122, but I am maintaining around 124, which is exciting!!!! I plan on this week seeing that 122. I have been doing AMAZING at getting to the gym even through work, but as I've said before... Work kills me. It's so hard to diet at work. It's a work in progress.

Have a GREAT week!

Bored and Cold

2011-06-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

Well besides the fact that I think the police just knocked loudly on my neighbors door, I'm pretty bored. I was supposed to go to work today, but Banner called and asked if I wanted the night off because we were over staffed on techs. I hesitated because of my tires, but I have PTO and needed a mental health day anyways. SOOOOOO....

Here I am sitting on the computer blogging. I love to blog. Not that I think people ACTUALLY read this, but because why not write down my thoughts somewhere.

This morning when I was coming home from work I realized my alignment is now off on my car. I was so annoyed I was almost in tears. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!! I think I said some bad words (Sorry Mom), but then I got over it. I mean it's not THAT bad, Right???

After I came home I quickly changed and went to the gym for a quick arm work out and some cardio. While I was doing my arm work I could actually see some definition in my arms. I was really excited!!!! Even though the weight isn't coming off as easily as I had hoped I am seeing some results. I then proceeded to the locker room where I changed and went for a swim. It was really nice to swim as always. I'm pretty sure I was a fish in another life (Can that even happen?!) I did see the most hideous this EVER though... an older man wearing a speedo. WHAT THE HECK! I know right! My eyes have been scarred for life. And to make matter worse... He can swim faster than me. Okay I wasn't actually racing him, but if we did race he would totally win! How does that even happen? I need to step up my game. Granted I'm not training for speed, just a fun cardio work out that is a change of pace from the normal treadmill.

I came home. Showered. Slept. And when I woke up and was getting ready, that is when I was informed that I could have the night off! YAHOOOOO!!!!

I went to the gym again. No fun stories really. Just a bunch of dumb teenage boys that don't know how to put their weights away after using them! STUPID!!!!

Before I depart I would like to share with you this yummy salad I ate for Easter and now I can't get enough of it. I add chicken to it to get more protein.

Baby spinach
Cut Strawberries
Cut glazed pecans
Chicken

That's it! So easy and fast! I love that it's so fast to make. For Easter we had Poppy Seed dressing, but I've been using a Roasted Sweet Pepper and Garlic Vinaigrette. Yes I eat this as a meal because I add in chicken. You could use this as a side salad with out chicken if you want.

Welp, that's all folks!

XOXO

PS The "cops" are gone.

This Week's Goals

2011-06-06T23:19:00.002-07:00

As I continue to work for my goal of being ready for July 23rd's Bikini and Bodybuilding contest I'm definitely working very hard. Last week I saw on the scale 124 lbs! I haven't seen that for years!!!!! I was very very VERY excited to see that!!!!! After I saw that weight though I had to go back to work. At work I always end up ruining myself and the progress I've made. I managed to keep my weight at around 125-126 for the remainder of the week. This week I hope that I can see 122 or less and manage to keep my weight around 124.

I do go to work tomorrow so I better get to thinking of things to eat that will keep me on track with my goals.

On a side note... my worst fear has come true.... I have to get new tires. I went to get my tire fixed and they said that because the nail was on the outside tread they couldn't fix it so I would have to get a new tire. Well I need new back tires all together so I sadly forked over the money to buy new tires. I felt like crying! So tomorrow I go in to get them put on. At least all my tires will now be under warranty and so if this ever happens again I won't have to put money down to fix it!

I'm going to have to work A LOT of overtime if I ever plan on going to Hawaii this year. (I was planning on going sometime in October.) I will also have to be doing my own pedicures and manicures for awhile! (The reason I bring this up is because I need a pedicure BADLY!!!)

I am moving soon. Not very far. Just across the freeway. I will still be living with my fabulous room mate. THANK GOODNESS!!!!!!!

Okay that's all my rants and raves for tonight.

XOXO!

-ME

The Good, The Bad, and The Funny

2011-06-03T02:13:00.000-07:00

THE GOOD

So Basically I live off popcorn. Yes, I said I LIVE off it and I'm not even over
exaggerating on that.
Santa brought me a popcorn maker for Christmas and boy am I happy for this gift. It's like the gift that keeps on giving and GIVING and GIVING!!!! Every time I eat popcorn it's like a special present in my mouth! Oh how I love popcorn! The best part is 3 cups of AIR popped popcorn is only 100 calories. Yeah so maybe it's "empty" or "simple" carbs, but it considered healthy. It is also high in fiber which is a big plus!

The BAD

Well you remember a few posts back about the flat tire... here is the issue! That is a lovely nail. It's not even painted a cool color like pink. Just a plain 'ol silver nail. I JUST
found this nail maybe an hour ago. So I guess tomorrow/today I will be waking up early to take my tire in before I go to work. Hopefully it's not tooooo much money, but it should be just a nice patch (I hope.)

THE FUNNY

NEED. I. SAY...........

MORE!!!!!!!

I love my new computer! ;)

Just Being a Girl

2011-05-31T02:47:00.000-07:00

Well I need to just talk about things going through my head and since it's 2:48 am I figured I will just write on here instead of waking up my mom to cry to her.

Let me just start off saying that I've been doing so well at accepting the things that have come into my life. I am grateful for my struggles because yes, they have made me a stronger woman and have shaped and sculpted me. At this very moment though I'm angry. Yes, I'm mad and want to just curl up in a ball and cry.

Let's be real, I know there are people out there going through worse than me. A family friend lost her house in one of the many tornadoes that have been hitting our Country. I have seen families lose their children to drownings here at work. I have seen people lose their loved ones to Cancer. I have seen people lose their jobs. I am very blessed for the things that I have. YES I AM BLESSED!

Right now however... I do not feel so blessed. Like I said I'm angry. I'm angry at my lovely little body. I'm angry at the Doctors. I'm angry at my pain. I'm just angry. I just want there to be a cure. I just want there to be an answer. I want there to be something I can do. I am sick of just trying things with out really knowing if they are going to work or not. Nothing is more irritating than knowing you're in so much pain, but no one can do anything about it. You can take medicine, but most of the time it doesn't even work. You can go to the ER but they won't do anything because it is a chronic disease. Everyone just wants to give you things to cover up the pain for a few hours, but I know that in a few hours it will be back (if it even went away to begin with.)

I recently read this article here... http://endometriosis.org/resources/articles/family-and-partners/ that said, "It can be very difficult to understand pain or fatigue in another person, but if you know someone with endometriosis the biggest favour you can do to her is to learn about her disease. You need to understand that the woman you care about is dealing with a condition for which there is – for most – no cure. She has to come to terms with living with a chronic disease, sometimes in severe pain, with extreme exhaustion, and for some accepting that she will never have children. She may not have a visible handicap, but she may still be in pain both physically and emotionally."

Maybe I'm writing this because in this moment I feel alone. I feel vulnerable. Or maybe I just have so many bottled up feelings I finally just needed them out. Most likely I just want people to understand the emotional and physical things I'm going through so I don't have to feel alone or crazy or broken.

Here is a list of things I can be grateful for today...
*I did not miss work this week
*I have a house to live in
*I have enough money for food
*I have a car
*I have gaurdian angels that won't let me feel alone for too long
*I have a Mom and Dad and family that loves me more than I know
*I am stubborn enough to work through pain
*I am strong enough to keep moving forward
*I have the Roxy dog that no matter what loves me
*I have a great room mate!
*I have a job that I love
*I have my best friend, Jamie, that has been there for me through everything (and thankfully he is strong because he has had to pick me up off the floor more than once and put me on my bed!)
*I LOVE my nieces and nephews and they think I'm amazing
*I know how to bake
*I know how to help save a life
*I can count backwards from 20 (on good days)
*I can work under stress
*I laugh a lot
*I am beautiful
*I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father

I know I have more to be grateful for, but those are just a few I could think of, silly and serious. I'm just having a hard day, but I do know tomorrow will be better. PS I don't have to work tomorrow so that means I get to just sit around and take care of me! (That includes doing laundry and watching Grey's Anatomy!!!!)

I'll try and be a little bit more positive next time I post. Thankfully this is my blog and I get to post whatever I want =)

XOXO!

Cookies

2011-05-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

Okay so I promised I would put up some stuff on here about how I'm doing with my gluten free and such diet. Some days are better than others (I feel like I've said that a thousand times, but it's true.) I have a hard time when I go to work because I don't have very many options and I HATE, HATE, HATE left overs so that too is limiting. However it has been a fun learning experience.

Last month when I went home to visit my fabulous family my mom bought me this flour that was organic and not regular flour. Rice flour to be exact. She also bought me some pancake mix and some other all purpose gluten free flour which has different flours from things beans, rice, basically everything but wheat. The pancakes were heavy. Not the normal light and fluffy, I could eat 17 of these things, kind. They weren't to terribly bad....

From there I came home to my lovely apartment and I went to the store and found this...

Which made these....

They were actually better than the pancakes! The cookie dough however was GROSSSSS!!! I told myself that if the cookies were that bad I would throw them out. Luckily they tasted really good. I even brought them to work the next day and people were shocked at how good they were. They were soft and just perfect.

Although these are gluten free they are not sugar free so I only ate 2, okay 3 and that's why my work peeps got the rest.

The major purpose of doing this crazy diet is to help reduce the pain. I will have pain for the rest of my life and I'm still working on coming to terms with that, but hopefully doing the diet will reduce the pain enough that I will not have to go on these horrible meds that make me go through menopause.

Yes people I still have bad days. Doing all these things isn't going to work 100% of the times, but if it works 80% I can work on coping the other 20% of the time!

-Me-

PS I LOVE popcorn! 100% gluten free!

Oh yeah!

2011-05-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

I finally bought myself a computer this past week and that means I get to blog more because

I don't have to depend on someone else. I love to be independent!!! There is no better feeling of paying for something by yourself with no help from anyone else.

Although I bought my computer and then a few days later when I was out to eat with my parents we came out and they let me know my back tire was low.... AH CRAP! I just bought a computer and now how am I going to pay for a tire. Thankfully the air is holding so far. I should probably get that looked at soon since I'm going to be going camping this next weekend.

I missed a week of the gym because I went to my parents house and I do not feel bad at all!!! I love love LOVE my family. They are amazing! I got to spend longer than usual with them and watched at strep spread through my nieces and nephews like water. It was comical only because I didn't get sick! A skunk ate my sisters baby chicks so they became real trappers and after a few days caught the skunk. I was hoping they would catch it when I was there, but unfortunately they caught it the morning after I left.

Now after working 3 days in a row I'm back for 3 days then I'm going to get a crown on my tooth and then go camping. I am quite tempted to start doing 2 a day work outs, but then I come to senses and realize that is the craziest idea I've ever had!!! I'll stick to my lovely beautiful body. I love myself no matter if I hit the gym 20 times a day or 20 times a year!

Have a fabulous day everyone!!!!!

Warrior Dash

2011-05-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sooooooo HAPPY! I did it!

I DID IT! I FINISHED THE RACE!

I think I could cry because I am so happy!

Saturday night I stayed up late with some friends for a birthday. I finally fell asleep, but in the middle of my few hours of sleep I kept waking up with my heart pounding in my chest and I would have to look at the clock to make sure I didn't miss my alarm. I did this probably 10 times.

We all met at a co worker's house, Leslie and her husband Tate. From there we carpooled to Florence where we would be greeted with this sign...

To this I firmly replied out loud, "NO! I'm a princess! I'm the one they come to save." Of course everyone thought that was funny because, well let's face it, I think I am a princess. The name on the back of my shirt was Warrior Barbie! Enough said!

Well I continued to have anxiety up until the race. I was not sure what I was even thinking putting myself through this. All I knew was I made a promise to myself to do this and I was going to finish. I was not going to back down now! I was here I was ready to run... Kind of.

As you can see we wore plaid skirts to show how warrior we were. (PS the paper makes me look fat boo) Meg, Kristin and I are the ones in this picture. We all had the nurse skull and cross bones on the front and some kind of name on the back.

Thanks to my nerves I had to use the restroom... Well that is just a row of Porto potties. Not very classy!

So finally it was 1 and we were lined up at the start line. I was super nervous. I kept dancing around because I was scared.

The flame went of and that was the signal to RUN!
We ran and ran and ran and ran some more. We basically split off into 3 groups. Straight walkers. Walkers with a little running. and Running with a little walking. I was proud to be in the Running with a little walking club! It was so much fun!

There were all kinds of obstacles. Jumping over fire, army crawl through mud, walls to climb, running through a creek, and many MANY more.

When I was done I felt so FABULOUS! I was covered head to toe with mud, but I felt like a million dollars. So what I wasn't the fastest, but I finished strong. I proved to myself I can do things! I needed that!

That's me in the front left. Covered in mud, but beautiful as ever INSIDE!

Shoes, Recipes, and Running

2011-04-14T02:07:00.000-07:00

I told myself I wasn't going to post until I had a chance to take a picture of my cute new wedges, but I am just tooooooooooooooo excited!!!!

Let me tell you about my new summer wedges... They are white and have sequins lace and just plain white on them. I can not do justice to their beauty! Love at first SIGHT!!!

It's been 2 weeks now that I have been trying REALLY REALLY hard to eat gluten free. I've been all kinds of google searches on recipes and ideas. I have talked to people I know that are gluten free for their ideas as well. I knew some ideas of what I could eat, but I'm not a bunny so for me to eat my weight in veggies didn't sound appealing. I soon learned two things, this is one of the hardest things EVER! and Wait this is a little easier than I thought!

When I first went to the store I had Jamie by my side. We just went to the Bashas that was on the corner. I almost cried the entire time and ended up purchasing corn tortillas, blue corn chips, and potatoes. So that is basically what I've been eating along with rice that I had at my house.

One morning, I kid you not, I had no idea what to eat so I ate brown rice with cinnamon. It wasn't too bad actually.

The hardest thing is reading the label on EVERYTHING!!!! The terryaki sauce I was using had wheat in it so I can no longer use that.
Another hard thing is taking the time to prepare meals. Working nights is not easy when it comes to making lifestyle changes.

Just a little while ago I found this blog with all kinds of recipes that are gluten free. I am excited to try them. I have given up dairy and that means my favorite food, ice cream, is now a no go. I found this recipe for strawberry chocolate chip sherbet! I'm super excited to try it out!

I also found a recipe for lime chicken tacos. Sounds DELISH!

I know that living gluten free may sound completely crazy, okay it is, but gluten isn't actually all that healthy. Gluten or wheat is used in things like wall paper glue... SERIOUSLY! It's because it's a sticky substance hence why it's used for GLUE!Now that you know it is sticky and used for glue maybe it will be easier to understand what is going on in many MANY people's tummy's. The gluten is sticking to bowels and who knows what else. This is why I have chosen to cut it out of my diet.
It was suggested to me to cut out many foods and after 2 months maybe add one thing back at a time to see if certain foods create more pain for me. I figured I may as well try!

I know you all are DYING to know how I'm doing with my running routine. Well I can do a lot better. Last Monday I went to the gym with my partner in crime and took his advice to lift first then to do my run. I DIED!!! Seriously let me tell you I could barely walk much less run! Jamie was telling me on the way to the gym that I should lift as hard as I can and so that's exactly what I did, but man oh man I'm still paying for that day at the gym.

As of today 17 more days until the run!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

One more thing... the site I found the recipes is http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com/ GO THERE!!!!

A Punch in the Face

2011-04-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

Don't laugh too hard at my fingers. It seems that I may have forgotten a few things from my ballet teacher, but EVERY time I look at this picture I can't help but laugh.

Jamie and I spent the weekend it California. It was a much needed break from things going on in life that just seemed too much to handle at the time.

Going to California was just the thing I needed to let go of all the hurt and pain that I have been feeling about my endometriosis. I was able to feel my Heavenly Father's love through the beautiful Earth He has given us. I felt like He knew me and knew my pain and that is what I needed.

As I was doing my laundry today I received an email from someone who I will keep anonymous that brought back my hurt. I want to share with you part of the letter to help people out there reading this blog what we women of endometriosis deal with. The context is me saying I needed to take this trip to California to take a break from the disease that now controls my life.

"Please consider next time you say you have “a disease that controls your life,” think of my sister and those millions of others that truly have a life changing disease. You can still have kids. You don’t have to change your life to accommodate doctor visits and treatments. You don’t have to have a special diet. You aren’t going to lose your job because of endometriosis. You are lucky. I am not saying any of this to make you mad or offend you or make you feel like I don’t care about the fact that you do have endometriosis. I am saying it to make you think."

To me this is a PUNCH IN THE FACE!!!!

Dear readers let me clear some things up...

One Endometriosis controls my life in the following ways
- I have pain.
- My pain strikes at any given time
- When the pain is bad enough I can not move for quite some time.
- I have been in the middle of saving a child's life when the pain came on and that was a very critical moment.

Two The doctor does not know if I can have children. There is a strong chance that I can yes, but I will not know until I try. Every period I have lowers the chances of ever having a child.

Three I work nights. So going to the doctor is a struggle because they are only open at certain times. If I do not get my pain under control with birth control I will be getting a monthly shot which will put me in to Menopause.

Four I do have a diet. GLUTEN FREE!!! oh and with that no sugar. No Caffeine. No Milk products (which includes my fav ICE CREAM.) No Red Meat.

Five I have missed days of work because I am in so much pain. I'm sure my team doesn't appreciate it when I don't show up for work. Especially when we run short staffed almost every night.

Six Sure I'm lucky that I am not dying, but I live with pain every day and there is no CURE!!! Not even the treatments take the pain away or the endo away. Surgery doesn't fix everything. Oh and if by the grace of God I do have a daughter the chances of her going through the same things I am is GREAT!

I once again encourage everyone to go and read about endometriosis and learn the facts before saying something that will hurt someone.

Learning

2011-03-26T03:11:00.000-07:00

I love to learn. I really do. I don't like learning in a class room, but I do love to learn from hands on experiences. I believe that we should continue to learn every day. Well I'm learning alright. Here are some things I'm learning...

Endometriosis hurts and it is not very much fun.
ENDOMETRIOSIS IS A DISEASE!
How to cope.
People will not always understand and that is okay.
Watching someone you love going through something hard is tough.
To say thank you when people say little things that mean a lot to me like, "I wish you didn't have this disease," or "I wish I could take it away."
It's okay to cry.
I will get through this!
I need to work on patience because all this takes a while.

I ran Friday morning when I got off work I completed my first week of running. (at least my first week according to the program. I actually am trying to run 5 days instead of just 3) I should feel proud of myself, but I didn't feel so well when I finished so I just kind of collapsed on the floor instead. I thought training for the warrior dash would be easy. I thought that I could do these runs with no effect on my body, but that has proven to be untrue. I'm in this though and I'm going to run this dash. It may hurt some days, but I need to feel like I can do things.

For you people out there that can run and jump and do all these things I can't do with out causing myself pain CONGRATS to you! But know that for people like me we have another obstacle to over come. It's not easy for me to get out of bed some days. It's not easy for me to run. Running bounces my insides. Running causes my bowels to move which sometimes hurts. To complete this run to me is like showing endo that I'm not going to stand for the pain. I'm showing myself that I'm worth more than pain!

I'm taking a stand.

Who else will take a stand against endometriosis and (at least) LEARN about the disease?!

-ME-

Obesity

2011-03-25T00:57:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I went with my friend Jess to a nutrition store because we had a card for free smoothies and body analysis. I was excited because I'm trying to be more health conscious and figured this would be fun. We go and it was this place where everyone knew everyone, there was chill music, and just a laid back atmosphere. We give them out card and they start talking to us about the nutrition program they are running. First we drink aloe vera mango water. That was delish!!!! It felt clean and pure. Next we had some tea. I'm not a fan of tea, but it was okay. Last we had a protein shake that was supposed to taste like cake batter. Forget that! I can only say it tasted like protein. It was not very good at all. They sat us down and we started to do our body analysis. Then began to go over the results. The boy that was doing the results was probably around 19ish and didn't know very much about nutrition and health. He was showing us a chart with body fat percentages and tells me I'm obese. I told him, "Um excuse me I don't think I'm obese. Look at me I'm not obese!" My friend Jess said, "Um yeah I don't think that is right." He said, "Um I don't know I guess we will just say you're at risk." I seriously almost punched that guy in the face! Sorry that's just my aggressive side coming out! But seriously! Jess told me that we will have to go back in a few weeks and see if there is a drastic change in those numbers.

I told Jamie and he said that maybe I should do a dunk tank because that is the most accurate. Those hand held devices at the gym (or nutrition store) are not always correct. OBVIOUSLY!

I'm trying to figure out when I should run with work. Should I run before work or after. It's such a major decision to make!

Jamie will soon start dieting down for his next show and I plan to do the show and diet with him. I am SUPER excited!!!! We get to be back stage together and it will be easier to diet when he is doing the same. We are also have a contest of who is sexier.

Run Away!

2011-03-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

GREAT news I started my first run on Sunday! I am doing the couch to 5k and I did my first official run on Sunday. I was so proud of myself! I would have jumped in the air, but honestly I was a little tired and could barely make it down the stairs to leave. Monday I finished my second run! I just feel so accomplished. Okay, okay, I know it's only been two runs, but that's amazing for me. I'm not a runner. I don't like running, but I'm doing it because I set a goal! I bought these running skirts so I don't have to fuss with shorts and all the pulling and awkwardness of them if they ride up. These skirts rock my world! I also bought new running shoes because I felt like I deserved them! I will put up pictures shortly I promise.

Today I didn't go running. Today I went to the Dr. I spent the last month thinking that they removed the endometriosis off my right side where I had been feeling the pain only to realize that they found it on my left! I am still having pain on the right which is SOOOOOO annoying I cant even stand it. Thankfully I have a great Dr. who is working with me to find the best possible treatment. Unfortunately this disease is very very painful and that will never go away. He said my right side is clear of scar tissue and did not see any endometriosis, but it could be there just not visible with the naked eye. Unfortunately the only way to completely get rid of the pain is to take all my girly parts away and I'm not doing that because I hope to still have a baby one day!

I'm worried that me working out again is causing the pain, but I'm going to push through it and work for my goals that I have. I am not going to let the pain control me! I refuse to become a victim of the pain. I will "RUN AWAY" the pain!

-Me

Here's the truth

2011-03-11T00:53:00.000-08:00

Well the truth is I've been avoiding the blog on purpose. I feel like I've let you all down and importantly myself down.

Here is what happened...

Since September I had been experiencing pain in my lower right side. It was random and would hit me so hard I would just cry. Then after 10 min it would go away. I went to my GYNO Dr. She worked me up for a few months. I had an ultra sound and blood work, but they couldn't figure it out. I went to the ER one morning in hopes they could figure out the pain, but no such luck. I went back to the Dr and she said that maybe I had scar tissue in my abdomen from getting my appendix out in 2007. In January I went to see the surgeon. I did another ultra sound and nothing was visual. The only way to figure out the pain was to have surgery. I was not too thrilled about this. I was scared out of my MIND!!!! The pain was getting more frequent and it was ruining my life. I had to stop going to the gym because it hurt me. I scheduled the surgery and gave up on my hopes to do the bikini show on March 12 and finish the body transformation by the end of March.

The weeks leading up to surgery I did attempt to go back to the gym and just ended up crying and asking Jamie to please hurry and take me home. I went again because I'm stubborn and I cried because I couldn't do the things I wanted to so I went into the empty class room and danced. I did ballet to the music in my head and made my experience more enjoyable.

I had surgery on February 17th. It was scheduled for 10:30, but I didn't go back into surgery until 3! It was a long day, not to mention I was at work the night before doing a bowel prep. That was fun.... NOT!!!!!

When I was going to sleep they asked me where I work nights and I told them and they said, "oh we will take extra good care of you." (I had surgery at the same hospital I work for.) I woke up an hour and a half later. I was being yelled at to breathe and then after I was more aware of what was going on I started to cry. I was scared and didn't know the people around me. I held my hand out to one of the nurses and asked him to hold my hand. This guy was skinny and had a mustache, but he held my hand and when he left the other nurse held my hand. I was put into some rolling recliner thing and taken to another area where my parents were finally able to come back. My dad informed me they talked to the Surgeon and he told them they had found endometriosis attached to my bowel and were able to safely remove all of it. They did not see any signs of it anywhere else. I started crying again and asked if I could still have babies. I remember my dad chuckling under his breath and saying yes you can still have kids. At some point I started crying again because there was no food at my house for my mom to eat. I was really stressed about that apparently, but I have no recollection about that. I had an abrasive nurse that kept saying things that on a normal day would have made me yell, but I was drugged. She brought me some Vicoden and let me get dressed as my dad went to get the car. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. There was something wrong with my FACE!!!!!! I was so mad! I had patiki eye!!!! I had a bunch of broken blood vessels all over my face. I had red dots all over my face, neck and chest. This probably happened at some point when I was having a hard time breathing. Not breathing, choking, coughing hard or even throwing up violently are some of the causes. I asked the nurse about it and she had no clue. She thought it was an allergic reaction at which point I tried to explain what it was and how it could have possibly been caused, but I'm sure in my head it sounded WAYYYY better than what came out of my mouth. When I got in the car with my dad I said there was something wrong with my face and my hair looked hideous and not to tell anyone I looked like that!

We made it back to my apartment. I tried to eat, but felt sick so I slept. My dad drove home to Pima and my mom stayed with me. The next day she drove me and my car down to Pima so I could be with my family as I recovered. I'm so glad I went home to recover because I needed the laughs and smiles of nieces and nephews to make me laugh and smile. We even had an ice cream party on my behalf because that's all I wanted to eat.

I'm glad the surgery is over and done with. I go back to the surgeon on the 22 for a follow up. I have some pain on and off, but nothing like before. I attempted to go back to work after a week of recovery, but after a few hours I was driven home by a great coworker that could see the pain in my eyes. I took another week off and I feel a TON better.

I am truly blessed to have such amazing people in my life to take care of me. My whole family made sure I didn't do to much although I did get in trouble a few times for picking up my 2 year old nephew! Jamie took care of me here and made sure I was eating and resting. I never wanted to eat, but when I had a craving he made sure that I could get whatever food I wanted quickly! My coworker Shari is an angel for taking me all the way out east to take me home because there was no chance in heck I could drive.

I start back on a work out schedule the 23rd assuming the Dr gives me the OKAY!!!! I'm doing a 3.4 mile obstacle course run. It's called the warrior dash and I'm doing it with about 10 of my coworkers. I'm really excited to get back out there and start seeing results again in a HEALTHY WAY!!!!! My name for the dash is going to be BARBIE WARRIOR PRINCESS!!!!!

Thanks for reading my blog! I did miss blogging! Now I'm moving forward with life and accepting the lemons and making AMAZING LEMONADE and creating memories that will last me a life time!

-ME-

Day 15- My rants about the gym.

2011-01-26T23:40:00.000-08:00

Some people say that when you are stressed you are to go to the gym and let it all out on a rack of weights or run it off on the treadmill, well apparently those people don't go to my gym and have always been in perfect shape and they must be beautiful. So maybe lately I've been stressed out, but hey that's all apart of being an adult. I was kind of excited to go to the gym today, I got there and it was like ants on a piece of sugary candy. (hey I want a piece of sugary candy. Resist the urge!!!!) There were swarms of people covering each machine. Instantly my blood pressure went up a few point. I received a pep talk from Jamie of some ideas of which machines to do and went straight to work. In the next 10-15 min I realized that half of these "ants" aren't here to transform themselves or make themselves better. They are here because this is their social hour. This is an adult play ground where you can talk and talk. Well if you want to talk, how about you get off the flipping machine I want to use, but wait you are to busy talking to realize I'm standing there waiting! I finished my back routine and went to biceps. I walked over did a set on some machine. I don't even know what it was called, all I know is I'm to short for it so I have to sit on my legs. After, I went and grabbed some dumbells, I'm not very strong, so I started out with 10 lbs each hand. As I started, some stupid college aged boy walks over stands DIRECTLY in front of me in the mirror so I could no longer watch my form. I said loudly with no regrets, "Are you kidding me right now!" I moved over to the side and continued. He finished his set and walked off. So I put my 10's back and waited a moment to rest. As I was to grab some 15's some other IDIOT walked directly in front of me and took them. It was the last pair. Maybe I could have waited patiently, but I was done caring at that point. I walked off. I talked to Jamie and went back to work on some other machines. When I was done I realized that if you don't look a certain way, lift a certain amount, and weigh a certain amount people at the gym look at you like "why are you even here?" I swear I can hear it seaping out of their airheads. Think to yourself for a moment... Have you ever thought or heard someone say, "Oh they are fat why do they even bother coming to the gym?" Well you know what? Let me just tell you that it's good they are there! They are putting forth some kind of effort into trying to make themselves better! They probably quit trying because all the rude people in the gym make them feel unwanted. So instead of the gym being a place to transform yourself and be better, it becomes a place of riducule and hurt. I'm not saying I'm fat, nor am I saying I'm not pretty, but I am saying that because I don't look like a "bodybuilder's girlfriend" I am disrespected at the gym.
Obviously I have something going on since if I wear semi-tight pants every man in the gym goes out of their way to stare at me! LISTEN TO ME... I. DO. NOT. LIKE. IT!!!!! I'm not a piece of meat. Just let me do my work out and get out. Who knows maybe they aren't looking at me like I'm a piece of meat but rather a marshmellow because I don't fit the "gym" mold. Who knew that the gym was playground for adults and that you can still be bullied as adults!

In diet news... I thought it would be SUPER easy to drop the weight once I stopped eating things with sugar and high carbs. No. No it's not. I guess I should step up my cardio to make sure I meet my Tuesday's goal. I hope I have a secret fan club out there cheering me on.

I do like the gym. Only on weekends and late at night when no one is there.

End of week 2. Starting week 3.

2011-01-25T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well last week was rough... I got busy with work so I didn't get to post every day which I had wanted to. Let me tell you about last week!

Work was INSANE! I'm talking we saw a record number of kids for our emergency room every single day I worked. Apparently it's the "RSV" season as we call it. Because of the business of the season we rarely get to eat in the cafeteria (not like it's really that healthy, but it's better than nothing.) Some of the staff, usually the doctors and once a nurse, buys pizza on busy days. So last week I ate pizza 2 or 3 times... oh and once I left early for work and picked up some dairy queen. (Jamie, I hope you don't read this!) I've also had a few smoothies (2) and probably way more carbs than I should have. After the busy work week I went to see my family because my sister had her baby <3 I ate "Casa Manana" (a bean burro enchilada style.) I also had french toast, homemade pizza and a rootbeer float.

Some how... I managed to lose 4 pounds. It might be because I've really stepped it up at the gym. I've been doing more cardio, which I'm not fond of, and I've been lifting heavy.

GYM STORY-
Yesterday at the gym I was lifting a heavy set for a chest work out. I was already having a bad day and didn't really want to be at the gym, but I went. Jamie was spotting me and he knows everyone at the gym. Well as I'm doing my last set (heaviest) I may have grunted a few times. Some guy started grunting along with me. I let the weights down and lunged for him. It was a good thing Jamie was there because this guy would have been a goner! I was so embarrassed that someone was making fun of me I ran out of the gym. 15 min later I came back and told Jamie I hate the gym and I never want to come back because I'm so embarrassed. He explained the guy was playing with me and teasing me. I didn't care. It was disrespectful because I didn't even know the guy. I told him to take me home or to let me have the keys. He just kept saying are you serious. I then started to cry again and ran into the bathroom. I sat in the steam room for another 15 min. Then some girl came in there and was texting. I was annoyed by that so I left. I went out of the bathroom and the guy came up and appologized. I told him it was okay but I didn't like it because it made me feel awkward and embarrassed. I told him I didn't want to come back to the gym. He felt really bad and kept saying sorry. In the end I asked him his name and we called it "cool." His name is Brian. I did kind of felt bad later for making a big deal out of nothing, but I have a complex about the gym and was so embarrassed that people were paying attention to me!

Today at the gym was better.. I pushed myself that is for sure! I'm not sure if I will be able to walk in the morning!!!!

Hopefully next Tuesday I will be down to 127, but that means I need to get serious about this eating right stuff!

Day 2

2011-01-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

I'm super exhausted today. I didn't eat like I should have. I ate a half a piece of chicken some skittles a protein shake and some roast that I made. Not a good start to this body transformation!!! I did lift today with Jamie but everyone and their mother was at the gym because it's a new year so everyone wants to get slim and sexy!!! After I lifted I swam. That was a nice touch to the day! I'm going to bed now. I need to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow because I work tomorrow. Sigh. Work. Gotta love it.

Body Transformation DAY 1

2011-01-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

Okay so I'm on this diet... well I don't want to call it a diet... I'm doing this "BODY TRANSFORMATION" and I figured I should blog about it because it might be pretty comical for you people reading this (Emily that's you!)

So Jamie found this 12 week body transformation thing where you could win a bunch of money at the end and he said I should do it. I figured why not....

Today is day one... I woke up... I snuck and ate left over sour skittles from the airport last night. My sister gave me a glass jar with cookie mix inside and I took a nap cuddled up to it because I wanted to make it and it them so bad. Later I did go to the gym and did the eliptical for a good 30 min. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but you know whatever! I then came home and ate. I decided to go back to the gym and do yoga. Which I have fallen in love with. Yoga is my safe zone. You may look like a complete idiot and some of these names ie DOWNWARD DOG?! like who comes up with these?! But you know it seems to relieve my stress... at least in my mind it does. While I was doing one of the poses I realized... How does the teacher not laugh right now? We look like idiots. I started to giggle which made my bum that was sticking up in the air start to bounce around. Oh man it was a mess. I finished out yoga and feel great.

Well this concludes day one so far... this is bound to become quite comical.

PS I'm hungry!

Sorry it's been so long!

2010-08-27T04:36:00.000-07:00

Lately on my days off I've been taking up cooking! One night at 10pm I called my mom to ask her how to make roast (I needed to know!) Today, while watching Nip/Tuck the best show EVER, I made... meatballs and guacamole.

The meatballs are yummy and I've yet to try the guac because I was so mad at it. I basically don't know how to pick the right avocados so I had a rough time. I was to mad so I could even eat it! I'll show that stupid side dish!!!! Let me just tell you all that kraft.com has become my life! It gives you an option to list 3 ingredients you have in the house and it will tell you how to make yummy stuff. One night I baked some tortillas and had tostadas.

Just so everyone is aware no I'm not getting fat from all this because I make it and then it goes in Jamie's fridge where he and Sara (his daughter) eat it. I just enjoy the cooking part! I still love to bake, but let's face it that does make you fat so I've been making healthy food, well kinda healthy food.

Super Barbie and Superman. Yes I realize Jamie isn't looking at the camera, but I look cute! I made those capes and the shirts. Mine has the outline of barbie's head in glitter along with pink jewels. Jamie couldn't figure out what he wanted to be so seriously 10 min before we left he ironed that superman on his shirt! If you are wondering why we were wearing this it was for my friend/coworker's birthday party! We had a blast pretending to have super powers. My super power was to blink and every guy would fall in love with me. That power idea came from Kassie my friend and old roomie. She said that when I moved down here that all the boys fell in love with me every time I would blink.

I hope to keep up posting better!

XOXO

Ketching-up

2010-01-29T17:06:00.000-08:00

*November 19, 2009- I met Jamie. He is BEAUTIFUL!!!! I was a the QT getting what else, a Dr. Pepper. We made small talk and he found me on facebook later. I had spent 30 min trying to find him on fb first, but had no success. I was so excited to see and new friend request!

*November 20, 2009- met for dinner

*November 21, 2009- First OFFICIAL date to outback.

*The rest is history!

*Just ask him he will tell you we are inseperable, whether he actually likes it or not!

*November something- Started this diet with Jamie.

*December something- I got a job at Banner Desert's Cardon Children's medical center in the ER!!!!

*December 14, 2009- BIG 2.1. BABY!!!!! Jamie, Tamara, Kade and I went to Dave and Buster's which I like to call a grown up version of chucky cheese!

*Christmas '09- My ENTIRE family was down at my parents. I love my family. Traditional football game. I totally won. I even made a great catch and scored!!!! I got a pink blender and pink hand mixer. BEST SANTA EVER!!!!!!

*December late- I realize I suck at this diet crap!

*January 11, 2010- I made my way through the doors of the new hospital to start my job.

*January 19, 2010- Started MCC. Oh man I still hate math.

*January 29, 2010- God is great. <3 He brought my officer home safe. Thank you God!

Things to come----

-Feb 5-7, 2010- Jamie's Fitness show!

-ME-

SHHHHH!!!! Don't tell my mom!

2009-11-16T15:26:00.000-08:00

Friday night we had Big B's birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It was a blast. We had fun laughing away. We had about 13 people there total in our group. PERFECT! The food was delish and the waitress was fun. Big B had to sit on the saddle with his pink balloon gun and wave his napkin over his head. (to see pictures look on my FB)

After the dinner we went to this HUGE YSA activity. We tend to find out about the parties and invite ourselves... so that's what we did. There was so many people it became a fire code issue so we all had to go outside and wait our turn to bowl for FREEE!!!! None of my friends wanted to wait so they all ended up leaving. I met up with some friends from Pima and when they finally called my name they came and went bowling with me. We grabbed some random people and we had some fun. Random people included cute boys of course. At some point earlier I had exchanged numbers with... we shall name him..... uhhhh... North. (random) anyways. N.'s friend came with me to bowl. N. invited me to go to Ihop after bowling. well... at Ihop I was then invited to go camping with N. and his friend "Burt." Of course being the crazy 20 year old that I am... I went. We slept in the bed of the truck on a mattress. It started raining. I was EXTREMELY scared. I woke up to people shooting guns and 4 wheelers. I heard scary animal noises through-out the night granted we didn't get out there till 3 am. haha! Needless to say I made it back alive!!!!!!

I have been looking for new apartments with Olivia. oh and I made a chore chart. How childish but we needed it for all 3 of us.

Alright I have 8 minutes left to post this so I gotta go. PEACE RANDOM READERS!

Did you miss me?!

2009-11-11T00:00:00.001-08:00

Okay...

October 12th...

Trip to Scottsdale with Olivia. PHOTO SHOOT!!!!!!!!

Later in October...

Camping trip with Kassie, Kayum, and Big B (Bentley)

So we went to my grandparents cabin. We went on a grand tour and we went upstairs and looked in the attic because it reminded us of the grudge... but so we climbed the ladder to get upstairs.

We looked around. Kayum was about to walk down the stairs when I told him he should probably turn around he took a step and fell down the stairs!!!!!! We laughed so hard. He basically skied down them untill the end when his foot got caught on the pipe rails. We had a really long laugh. Still every day we bring up the funny story ever chance we get =)

It came time to start the fire...

I'm very independent and HAD to start it on my own. I didn't want any help. In fact I yelled at B and Kayum when they tried to help. They got kinda frustrated with me. Typical me! So instead of my crown I have my matches!!!!

Speaking of crowns...

I always carry my name badge and crown pin in my "Black Box." To me this is that special box that GOES everywhere and should be indestructable... anyways...

Kassie found this and wanted to be a princess too so she put in on and the crown on her head. Way to go Kassie!

We went on a hike in the morning and some how Kayum became our fearless leader. We hiked to the bear caves. On our hike Kayum found this oversized stick to be his walking stick. We convinced him to break it down. He continued to carry this stick for quite a ways.

Yes here we all are in the bear cave. No there was no bear. Just a little stream. Kayum decided to hike down the stream. here is the tree that we were SUPPOSED to climb down to get there...

Here is Kayum... he just "fairied" his way down this tree. Here is Bentley vs the tree...

The tree ended up breaking on him and he had a pretty nasty gash in his side from it. Kassie and I were extremely scared to go down now because the tree was broke. Kassie went down before me and just decided to slide down on her bum. Remember how I said it was a stream... yeah... it was a little wet. I went next and didn't want my whole bum wet so I was one cheekin' it if you know what I mean! End results...

There you have it. Big B. Me. Kassie.

Kayum took the picture because he walked away with out on drop of water on him. GRRRRR!

The hike became into more of an episode of "Man vs Wild" it was awesome. I would just randomly fall, but always gracefully. They made fun of me because it. B had an experience with him vs a rock.... to bad we didn't get pictures of that. He was playing super man. Seriously he was flying through the air!

Needless to say, we made it back safely. We came home with some great memories!

A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy named Jacob. He picked me up on his motorcycle. We went to a shooting range and I shot 3 different guns. Talk about over coming fear! I had a BLAST!!!! (oh bad joke!)

I was actually a decent shot with the .22 hand gun. I want one for my birthday. I don't think my parents will approve.

In other news- I am jobless. haha! I was Marilyn Monroe for Halloween. I'm looking for a new place to live. Life is fearless and fun!

PS there are a TON more pictures from both these events. To see more visit my Facebook!

Whole Life in Shambles

2009-10-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

About a week ago my car was having problems starting. I was at work and it wouldn't start. With some major prayers and some patiences it finally started. Well... Yesterday I was going to head out to the library because I had an email that I needed to write... my car wouldn't start. This time the prayers and the patience wasn't working. I ended up walking to the library. I called Bentley on the way and was so upset. I told him the only thing that could go more wrong right now is if I got hit by a car. I got to the library and Olivia called and said she was coming to the library so I asked her for a ride home. She of course said yes. So I finished up and we left. When I got home I called my dad and told him my car troubles. He asked me if I even had money for a new battery I bursted into tears and said no. He was like what's wrong and that's when I said, "My whole life is in shambles!" He kinda laughed and was like, "don't worry we will take care of it. I'll call you back." So I waited for him to call me back and he did and said, "We are coming to see you. We will leave in about 30 min and we will take you out to dinner." It was at this point when I started to cry even more because I knew the Lord has blessed me with a great family who will do anything for me.

They arrived and he replaced my battery. I was super excited and happy. Finally something was looking up. We got to Olive Garden and there was a long line. I said well we can go somewhere else, but they didn't seem to mind. So my dad put his name on the list and they said about 30 min. We took the buzzer and went outside. As we walked outside my dad says, "Okay Steph you have 20 min to tell my how your life is in shambles." I told him I could tell him because I would start to cry. To this my wise father said, "You have 10 min to tell me and 10 min to dry your tears." I began and so did the tears. I didn't really say much. I just talked about my past with Jake and how it still hurts and I don't have closure. He said how can you get closure and I shook my head and said I don't know, I just don't know.

I think my parents were sad and worried because now I'm out of the house and they aren't there all the time for me to go lay on their bed and pour my heart out to them. It's been a rough week that is for sure. I always manage to pull through though. I've done this before and got through it last time... I'm to strong willed to let something get me down.

Tonight I'm off to Scottsdale to party PARTY! GO TEAM!

Popping the seal on blogging

2009-09-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

Hello all you FABULOUS people. My name is Stephanie just if you didn't know. I decided to pop my seal and go ahead and become a "blogger." I'm new to this so please be patient as I learn.

Why did I start this blog?!
Well because I thought it would be fun to let my friends and family know what I'm up to.

I just recently moved and am having fun starting a life here. I'm making friends in the singles ward and am having a BLAST living with my best friend Olivia and our other roomie Sylvia. We dont even have much in our house. It's just a town house, but we don't have a tv or anything special. Both the roomies have boyfriends so I find myself either alone or leaving. haha. They do make special Stephanie time so I can feel special. I LOVE THEM! Especially our photo shoots.

For some odd reason a few weeks ago I thought it would be a BRILLIANT idea to run a half marathon.... well... I'm not so sure it's a good idea, but I do know I want to do it before I die so it's now or never. Needless to say I'm in the works of training for this lovely marathon that is in January. I'm really scared because I'm not a real big runner, but whatevs it will still be fun. My friend Becca will be running it with me and it should be rather entertaining because we are 2 funny people =)

about 4:30ish I realized that I just had so much on my mind about work, school, life and all sorts of things. So I went to the temple. I watched the sunrise. It was the most peaceful morning ever! Sure there was a guy blowing the sidewalks off and sure there was a lawnmower guy, but I was at peace with myself. I loved watching the people go inside. Everyone always said good morning or something like unto it. I would whisper Hello and smile. I took some pictures while I was there and said a few prayers haha =)

I called my dad while I was leaving to tell him he was missing a beautiful sunrise. He told me he loved me and asked if I needed anything. Of course being the girl I am just said no and let it be. I told him I loved him and we hung up. I went home and fell fast asleep.

As I was getting ready for the gym my dad called to just say whats up. So I told him how I usually sleep longer, but I didn't today... his response?... Don't pass out on the treadmill!!!! Oh how I LOVE my family.

Well my time is about to run out as I sit here in the library all sweaty and smelly... GO ME! I'll try and get this thing looking a little better when I return to the parentals house on Thursday.

-ME-